6 Dec 80-
Lying I bed with a glass of vermouth while Toss in long underwear plays on the floor with Weasel. Soon he’ll take a shower – then delicious sex. A wasted day – cooking, housework, letters – making social engagements over Xmas. T read my story Kisses in the Dark though and liked it. Made love last night after movie It’s My Turn (not very good) partially clothed on the living room floor! I prefer the bed! 9:30 PM 8 Dec 80 Lying in bed with a beer – there is no wine – feeling very bad tempered. Fordham very dissatisfied with Chevenix transcript – they need some sort of “evaluation.” Oh, the horror. Rough time today Christmas shopping. T thinks its an insult to buy inexpensive presents – he wants to follow the rich people’s “codes” on the other hand we’re broke! Conundrum. The bar exam’s the end of Feb. Can we make it till then? 1 Jan 81 Resolution; keep better track of my life in this diary but wish I had a better life to keep track of. Particularly grim holidays while Lois repeatedly attacked Ricardo in front of everyone – everyone afraid to intervene because she’ll attack THEM (my ideas called “foolish” and “romantic.”) I tried teasing her by accusing her of “escort beating” while Ricardo murmurs from the corner of the room “I forgive her - She’s been so hurt.” Guess what? Lois has no sense of humor. This is my landlady. She wants to rent the Little House at highest dollar – since that’s where our washer/dryer is we need a washer/dryer here. No. Just no. She’s a weird one. When I suggested taking down a mirror so blotchy you can’t see yourself in it (it needs to be resilvered) she burst into tears and T attacked ME. She said she was willing however to rebind the first editions - I had to point out that destroys their Value! So there’s nothing I can say. My job is to clean (and then be criticized for it.) Toss has taken over cleaning the silver because I can’t be bothered to do it “properly”. To NYC for preview of Frankenstein – awful – we missed dinner because our train stalled in snow. Playwright overly wedded to novel – death after ludicrous death – not even rescued by special effects. Off to empty little bar Vintages for late supper ruined by Seth who teases T mercilessly. It’s the apparent goal of this family to get a scapegoat and ride them to death. Starting to see why Sutton got the hell out – who would stick around for this abuse? Ricardo, it seems. And Lois doesn’t respect him one bit for it. Avril wants to open a bar in Hallowell called “So’s The Governor’s Sister.” Funny. Boring New Year’s Eve party in Merion – I had high hopes (they were all psychiatrists) but all they talked about was heating bills. Got rid of Seth & Susie 4 pm – pizza and wine dinner – delicious lovemaking. Read The Poet– most poems shockingly bad – but there was one poet I liked – Katherine Hanley – so I wrote her a fan letter. On the good side: almost finished Pinch of Death. T. is my soul – so good & calm & not provoked at all by S who raged against L. Ugh. Exams next week. Read and was bored to shriek point by Trent’s Last Case. 4 Jan 81 Weather so cold it’s hard to breathe. T’s Reed roommate to dinner – watched Murder Once Removed over chestnuts roasted in the hibachi & 2 bots white wine. Struggling with Life & Letters of John Galsworthy. 5 Jan 81 To Princeton to do laundry. Bought life of Dorothy Kilgallen and have been glued to it all day. Wretched woman. Hypnotic erosion of all her values. T. confides out checking acct down to $200. Fortunately I’m expecting $120 this week. NJ Bar prep starts 12th– not soon enough for me. 6 Jan 81 Taught my class for the last time. I hate review – it’s hell. Sweating so hard I was afraid to lift my arms. Maria asked good questions – James said he didn’t know anything about writing before – now he does. Had to rush to the Whitney to meet T & Sutton. Met Sutton’s new flame, widow Pansy Burke – seems nice. She does drop a lot of names. Sutton dislikes Hopper. W had an uproarious dinner at The Palms – nothing “mignon” about my filet – it weighed at least 11 lbs. Wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t at it. Then brandy at Dom’s. Get into Princeton 3 AM and our car won’t start. Wrecker (“Mother’s Recovery”) comes at 3;45. Sleep till 1 then have to rush to catch the 3:05. Did a good story in Writer’s class. I am despised for my “upbeat ending” – feel mistaken for Aurelia Plath: “Keep a song in your heart.” Prof says there are NO happy endings in Great Literature? I say what abou Shakespeare’s comedies. He says comedy is not drama by definition. I say what about Jane Austen? Hi face tells me what he thinks of HER. On the train home I reflect on the mysteries of talent. At least 4 in class VERY talented – what will become of us? Possibly: nothing. I have an idea for a feminist lit mag when I get home; tell T. If we want to BE published we must publish others. My title is “The Feathered Violin” his is “The Burning Bush.”
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Sun 9 Nov 80
Thrashed it out and fell into each other’s arms. One must insist on justice but not too much. Love requires acceptance and we both are suffering. He envies me having someplace to go and I wish SOMEONE ELSE was going there! I have to give up this 50/50 thing – our definitions are just too different. If you want it done your way you really have to do it yourself. He applied for a job in Princeton – relief. Hope he gets it. Still reeling from nightmarish election results. T. telling me I threw my vote (for Anderson) away. Vet Day 11 Nov 80 Toss out sleeping in his study. Poor man. He promised he wouldn’t but the next 2 weeks will be a nightmare for him so I hate waking him. The house is at last tidy which is something that’s frustrated me for a long time. I think I talked T into my plan to paint the wicker furniture dark blue. We can use my study as the baby’s room for the first year. Just finished Sackville-West’s Challenge– the whole course of the Violet Vita affair laid out there. 15 Nov 80 – 4:30 Toss and Lois’ boyfriend Ricardo roofing the barn – but it’s getting dark and they’ll have to be in soon. My nerves are snapping with exciting revelation about my writing. Cut my teeth on other people’s writing – sharpened my tools – now its time to do my own thing. A bit frustrating that my Fict class so stuck in Stage 1. 17 Nov 80 Bad times for us worser and worser. Intense nostalgia for my dancing days washes over me – makes me feel alienated from my own body! Part of the “psychology” of “giving it up” to get pregnant I know. Need to find a dance class for fatties. T. and I had a terrible argument about child pornography – he says acts can be censored, ideas never. I totally disagree! One bad idea leads to another one – you have to cut SOME of them – bad social ones – off at the pass. They’re taking up brain space you could use to think other thoughts – it becomes a race to the bottom. He said I was trying to “control” him which surprised me. Doesn’t he try to change MY thinking? Ae we trying to control – or influence each other? Fri. 21 Nov 80 T read my diary – said, “I want to save you from this ogre but it’s me.” I said I have to write what I think is happening and how I feel about it! He thinks I DON’T – why aren’t I controlling my own thoughts the way I recommend others do? I say I’m trying. But we have to figure out what reality is first and if you’re a writer you REALLY do. I found and read him some good parts where he’s the hero! Really enjoying Fat is a Feminist Issue. I’ve definitely been eating my anger! 1 Dec 80 Easier holiday than usual for everyone except Avril. She’s gained weight during the scary move, then the frightening job search then the threatening days of a new job surrounded by traumatized women. “I don’t even want to THINK of anyone touching me now,” she says. I get it! I am contemplating swelling up to blimp size on purpose! Will my husband still love me? Will the honeymoon be over forever or will I be able to get back to normal? Stay tuned. I lend her Fat is a Feminist Issue which I think is a big help but she never likes those books as much as I do. Thought of a good ending for Pinch of Death. Hate myself for compromising all the way along trying to get Fic class to like me. Fri 17 Oct 80 – On the train
Just finished May Sinclair’s 3 Sisters. Fascinating & beautiful feminist plot. Can’t think why she’s so forgotten - probably because she didn’t make a fuss of herself. Managed to forget a teacher’s meeting this AM – another sign I’m trying to fit the round peg of my life into a square hole. 20 Oct 80 Staying home with an awful cold finishing Prelude so I can write my Wordsworth paper. Type tomorrow AM. Difficult weekend with friends. Don’t know how to handle T’s anger in front of other people. Fri night was his night to cook – he made a wonderful boeuf bourguignon. But on my night (Sat) he was so interfering I just let him do it. He’s moved everything around in the kitchen so I can’t find anything – embarrassing. He seems to be reproducing his mother’s ploys and tensions. Wish he had a little more of his laid-back father in him! Read Jean Rhys’ Quartetand Smile, Please. What a writer! Such purity! I am really envious. Don’t agree she’s beyond self-pity however – the books pulsate with it. What a pity respect & love aren’t joined in the male as they are in the female. Now reading Janeway’s Powers of the Weak. There’s a chapter missing! Interpersonal power politics between husband and wife! Avril called tonight to say she got the Maine job – (domestic abuse shelter) $11,000 the first year! Bravo! 22 Oct 80 – Train Creature from the Black Lagoon in Eng class. Too stupid to contribute. Brent criticized my story Travel Fever– bad ending – (fair enough) but he also said he was surprised at the cruelty in the family! (Katrina the scapegoat.) This from a man who admires Flannery O’Connor. Better off working on novel and NOT short stories. Don’t think I have the art. 26 Oct 80 Horrible fight with T began with my criticism of his old newspaper and rusty tobacco tin collections – do we really have to save all this moldering junk? He blames me for the “bad move” from KY in which he lost so much stuff. But I moved, too (TWICE.) He also had the nerve to say we “live like slobs” when he was supposed to clean the living room 2 days ago. (He’s doing it now.) 6:30 PM– He came upstairs and apologized – very sweetly. Lovingly, courageously and open-heartedly. So we did go for walk – gathering branches & berries to decorate house. Saw a beautiful did bird with a black ruff around its neck – feathers green and black. Blissfully happy reading Rose MacCaulay’s Letters. News that Commonweal will publish my poem Life of the Virgin! 30 Oct 80 Very interesting discussion with T – he cooked a fabulous leg of lamb (but still refuses to vacuum.) He said Henriette Wyeth not worth the ink she’s getting for her show – I said art is really lacking in feminine emotion (Rothko Pollock & de Kooning masculinity reduction ad absurdum) and woman painter raised in a family of male painters is a “test” case. Whats the missing element? Supernaturalism! Since we borrow our bodies from earth our souls are our only true individuality. 1 Nov 80. T. so angry when I criticized his procrastination ( he keeps saying he’s going to look for a job and not doing it) he pushed me into the bathtub! He denies that housework is humiliating but he doesn’t do it because he doesn’t want anyone to see him doing it. When I was having coffee in bed he pulled all the sheets off as if he was going to wash them but when I got home they were still on the floor. Guests to dinner – in the middle of the meal he would suddenly turn and glower at me hostilely. Horrible day at school – EVERYONE IN THE CLASS got an F on their Prelude paper! We all had the “wrong” reaction because we had the nerve to react personally. I immediately bought my first set of Cliff’s Notes. If there’s a “right” response I’m going to give it – don’t want another F. (We all get one more chance.) K. Mansfield’s Letters unbearably sad. She would envy T’s & my life together so much. 22 Sept 80
Lie in bed satisfied our entertaining’s over. It’s a “test” of our relationship to be around third parties. T always more critical of me in his anxiety that things go well – I am dreamy & slapdash by nature. Ended up watching the debate after all – much more fiery and vituperative than I expected – John Andersen an old-time preacher and Reagan sweetly vague and never finishing his sentences. 24 Sept 80–Waiting to counsel Rose Love (!) but looks like she isn’t going to show. Lots of them don’t. I’m not the only one having trouble with this system. Horrors! I was “observed” in class – trying to teach probationary “backward” students (I.e. unprepared) to write an essay and feel I made an idiot of myself. I sweat & tremble – am I only “a pack of cards” or are THEY only “a pack of cards!” Basic feeling of inadequacy – these kids deserve better than me! How did I ever think I could DO this! Well if Rose isn’t showing up I can read Sackville-West’s magnificent Eagle & Dove. Very depressing meeting with advisor Ezra Brent about my novel – asked how long I’d been working on it – I said 7 years and he was HORRIFIED. WAY too long for a project so short! But I am evolving as its evolving I splutter. Better write about your childhood instead, he counsels. Of course I can’t do that! Blah! Resolve to write a novel specially for his class – chapter a week. What interests me? Murder & nuns at present. Do I know anything about those? I admit I don’t but need to follow this trail. His obvious expression of disbelief is all the goad I need. Call it “Pinch of Death” from Shakespeare quote long in search of tale to headline. Train to NY 1 Oct 80 Observer gave me a rave review! Made 4,000 copies because frankly, no one would believe it. I don’t believe it myself. Good meetings with students. Asked Brent what to do about lack of a BA – he said Do nothing yet. You are a “promising” student. I still feel uncomfortable – don’t even feel like a STUDENT. Feel bolstered up. Unfortunately no one in fict class likes my novel – they all think I’m “anti-modern”. I don’t like theirs either. I fire back by advising they read Krafft-Ebing – no “modernity” without him. I should have taken Carberry’s modern poetry – enjoying romantic poetry VERY much. Fellow student Charlene Clark is teacher at a Catholic college (working on her SECOND masters) can give me lots of advice about nuns. I got a letter saying I am a member of the faculty so I get a 10% discount at the bookstore!!! Thy also have a very respectable library. Reading CS Lewis’s Letters to an American Lady. I CHERISHED his Letters to Malcolm. But 4 Loves very rough going. His anti-feminism somewhat mitigated by his late marriage. He was dragged into that the same way he was dragged into Christianity – kicking and screaming – “the sorriest convert you ever saw.” Interested in his “shameful” relationship with Mrs. Moore. Krafft-Ebing anyone? Experimenting with prayer but it feels very unnatural. I like the mystic’s stillness – make yourself empty and “fill up.” Any kind of “intellectual direction” feels wrong. 2 Oct 80 Not pregnant, alas. Period came two weeks late but it came. Hard to keep up with this level of disappointment. BA crisis solved – I can keep teaching as long as I’m WORKING toward BA which is all right with me. Investigating Fordham discover they have a “Math for Poets” class that gets me out of science requirement! That’s the school for me! Been having good meetings with students lately – finally getting through to some of them. If they pass the essay they can stay in the school – they’re on trial, just like me. 5 Oct 80 - Lois upset with me because I want to sell the piano - I even found a buyer. We could really use the space. But she says she doesn’t want to sell - it’s a boring unspecial upright piano. But a reminder whose house this is. She also told me not to get pregnant before we have health insurance! I smiled and said it seemed my body IS waiting! Did not enjoy the evening so overdrank. Not too badly – just enough to be annoyed at myself. Finished Marge Bacons Lucretia Mott. A charmed, serene life. More laundry, more writing. 6 Oct 80– A good day – much accomplished. Ordered the most beautiful stationery in Princeton – had to pay extra for colored ink but its worth it. Asked Toss over after dinner cigars if he thinks this house will ever be his. He said he thought it was an excellent chance. After all, a farmer farms the land and the whole place desperately needs updating which his mother doesn’t want to pay for. I rhapsodized about adding a stone tower like the Brandywine Museum – he said we’re more likely to be cooking over a sterno pot in a field! Not very confident of his chances for passing the bar apparently! He needs a job because he’s driving me crazy. He spent the afternoon rewiring the garage so it can be lit from the house. Anything rather than basic housework which he considers low on thrills. He doesn’t seem to understand how insulting that is to me! However he’s fine with hiring a cleaning lady which I’ll do the minute I can afford it. Read Love & Work: The Crucial Balance. Distinguishes between “love” oriented people who want to love their work and task oriented people. Wed 8 Oct 80– All my emotional eggs are in one basket! Overwhelmed with love for T – don’t want anybody else. People come – and then they go – and I’m overjoyed to see the back of them. I’m not sure I even need friends. Disgusted by the world weariness of James’ Black Tower. I’ve given up on her. Pity. Everyone else likes her. Sat 10 Oct 80 – StormFall Farm Absolutely exhausted. Next time T suggests coming here I’ll have to tell him my idea of isn’t rest & recuperation cleaning a 7 bedroom mansion! Toss is frenzied about the place. When I asked him who put him in charge he admits he just took over. He lashes himself with imaginary humiliating words he assumes “everyone” is saying. Right now he’s yelling downstairs – some kind of breakthrough with the water system. I’m so tired I could just fall over. 5:30 PM – Thurs 15 Oct – 80 Can still be thrown by a bad day. Got so absorbed counseling a student I was 15 mins late to class – now I’m hiding in the library calming myself down with Mary Daly’s Beyond God the Father. Very interesting but kind of naive. Don’t reject airplanes because you hate bombers! How would most men score on the Sermon on the Mount test? But I certainly understand the hopelessness of “institutionalizing” emotionality. Supernature gets us off the gerbil wheel. Too much gerbilling here. Don’t see how I can handle more than a year of this place. At least T & I see eye to eye about the housework. I got him to see everyone wants to do “executive” functions, no one wants to do grunt work so we have to share that out. An hour a day would be plenty! Grover’s Mill – 7 Sept 80
A week since our wedding so this must be our honeymoon. I feel perfectly balanced on a tightrope hung between 2 poles – drinking vodka & lime while studying V. Woolf’s Books & Portraits, Sayers’ Mind of the Maker. T. struggling with additions to a pile of thank you notes. Tomorrow off to Guilders’ College for a “teachers organizational meeting” so they must be sufficiently desperate they don’t mind my lack of a degree. Should be interesting. Chaotic summer swallowed up by wedding – ended up costing $7000 total. Facing winter with confidence – pregnant in 2 months! If Guilders doesn’t work out enroll in Marymount get my degree 1 class at a time. Last night we had bridesmaid Trish Lambert to dinner – husb Noah coming to lunch today – their marriage breaking up so we counsel. Looks hopeless – Noah chooses his pride over Trish every time – she says she’s not going back to a situation where she was so physically ill. What was she allergic to all the doctors wanted to know? Turned out to be him. Try to write here more regularly. These pages are a bank acct. Save, save save. Mon Sept 8 – 80 – Train from NYC – 4 pm What I thought would be a “teachers meeting” turns into a disgusting “registration” process – running from one building to another, paying fees, filling out forms – I am seriously allergic to bureaucracy and the tears are starting to leak. Feel like a person wearing an ill-fitting disguise. However I believe I carried it off. Just act like you’re entitled and no one questions you. I just don’t want to live in this world. I doubt poor T caught in the maw of Beginning Law can provide much sympathy. He is dotting I’s and crossing t’s with a vengeance. Financial pressures create time pressures. Try to look for the meaning in all this. 2:30 AM Sept 9– Worry and 2 double whiskies wake me at one and I can’t get back to sleep. Tried bath & reading, nada. Toss has been magnificent. I was able to present my worries without sounding like an idiot and he was able to identify with them without being dismissive. He says his uncle Avery gives Masters to people without BAs in Environmental Studies all the time. I say I really don’t need the degree it’s the experience I want and blame Plumly. And Chevenix. They ruined me for “degrees”. He always says Plumly was “not so bad” – and of course he loved Reed but they wouldn’t even let him see his grades! (They show everyone else) – but he seems to accept my Kafkaesque emotions. Sat 20 Sept 80– Fortunately our weekend guest (T’s Reed roommate) not here yet. Cleaned & garnished house for 4 solid hours. Went shopping bought 14 meals for $60 – T went to Trenton then discovered he didn’t need to go. (Getting out of housework? Hmmm.) Put a bookcase together and filled it with books (which helped) now he’s making peach butter. How point out to him that him doing all the work he LIKES and me doing all the work BOTH OF US DISLIKE is not a fair division of labor? Cowardice. Then there’s the problem that this is his grandparents place filled with his grandparents furniture and he doesn’t want anything “changed.” My only satisfaction if making my study a feminine as possible ( painting my file cabinets yellow.) Reading Krumm’s Why I am an Episcopalian (he’s pro women’s ministry and Hans Kung’s Signposts for the Future and struggling with what God I believe in. Not a subject for dinner party conversation. He will watch Presidential debate and I can opt out of that. StormFall - 4 Aug 80
Familiar feeling of depression. More wedding invitations – Granma’s list and Sutton’s list. Poor Sutton – I feel so sorry for him even though he jokes about missing Val: “I got rid of the last gardener I had.” The only bad night was Ghislaine’s party – Mom and Dad chose a reel of slides and I sat there stunned at the genesis of all my stories. Ocean, lake, dolls cottage – happy healthy smiling people – whence comes all this pain? Dad looks at pictures of the Gryphon tooling through Europe and says, “I’d do it all again.” Would he? I wouldn’t! That pain comes from somewhere deep, deep inside me. Makes me feel like they’ve been right all along – there’s something wrong with ME. Luckily T backs me up – he says he “feels 13 yrs old” around them. Fortunately I had one “flying high” day on Shadowe – with Gretchen Fuchs, the poet. Oh, her library! We soared together in a conversational ecstasy. I saw us deep in the future, two old ladies in an Eng garden. Lovely woman. Champagne & steamers with Sutton – then home. Grover’s Mill – 10 Aug 80 Unpleasant shock in the mail today – Guilders demanding transcripts. Naïve me – I thought only the writing sample mattered for the writing program! Wait till they cock a snook at my record! Will I be exposed as an unqualified adventuress? Would it be so bad if they withdrew their offer Then I could go someplace else – Marymount maybe. How I long to be pregnant! StormFall – Tues 19 Aug 80 My last entry? I absent myself from family discussions saying I’ll go to bed to read – really want to write here. Just taken my last BC pill maybe EVER – only 13 pills into the packet. Feeling amorphous. Borderless. The aspirations of adolescence fading. What were the aspirations of adolescence? I can barely remember. To be admired, chiefly. By “others”. And now I’ve ditched the “others” and I’m alone on a vast plain – trying to steady a tipping world. Listening. Are inner imperatives enough for a whole self? What about love. But love is a term like “weather” – describes infinite mutability. Need to finish the goddam wedding maps & walk them to PO. 2:15 PM – Thurs 21 Aug 80 Period started! Shouldn’t be surprised – been having a brief period in the middle of my cycle since I started these damned pills – probably making me sick. Thinking about the relationships between parents & children – how avoid the miseries? Poor Mom! She always felt she’d “lose”. Dangerous not believing in an “eternal force” because then all there is is YOU. To BLAME. Poor Mom! Preferred to housekeep alone – but wanted us to “help” when she wasn’t there – “her way.” Fated to disappointment! Wedding programs – copy the service in a book for T’s friend Brackett – the gay Baptist preacher – to use. Weirdly dark cold day. Shakespeare play at Edith Wharton’s tonight is open air – I just hope it doesn’t rain! Tom’s out driving around with Cousin Wolf in the ancient Chevy II they resurrected. Studying the Marymount catalogue and reading Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet– hadn’t realized he was so young when he wrote them! Should be called Letters FROM a Young Poet! May have to switch to Christie – sugar taken for “shock”. Sat 19 July 80
Housework not finished – unfortunately. We have a guest interrupting my dreaming hours – Ghislaine -elderly cousin of T’s whom I politely asked to be my matron of honor takes it as an invitation to move in. Fortunately she sleeps late. Horror stories about how her husband beats her – she used to flee her home to sleep in the church. They’re divorced thank God. Have to wash Weasel AGAIN – she tangled with a skunk and is stiff and pink from tomato juice. Toss leaves Mon for 5 days in KY studying with Boone Macafee. In 5 days alone can’t I get 75 pages? We’ll see. 9:15 PM – 21 July 80 Light spatter of rain can’t break the heat – still in the high 90’s though it’s dark outside. Perfect half-moon burns a hole though the cloud cover. Strange gunpowder noises could be thunder or carnival a mile away. Dixie very worked up. Inside myself I grapple. Reading theology a help. I feel people come into the world not blank but as coded entities. Trying to figure out the code. Reading Rosamond Lehmann – Swan in the Eve & short stories sends me into a Woolf frenzy. My psyche knows the vitamin it needs. Can’t write so I address wedding announcements – it’s like a dinner party – the more you can do in advance the better. 9:30 PM – 23 July 80 Excellent days I’ve had. Wise waiting to write till things fall into place inside. Thoroughly enjoyed (and mostly agreed with) Garr Wills’ Bare Ruined Choirs. Shouted & cheered my way thru the sex chapters. He was good, too on the Jesus freaks. It hit me – here’s my Secaire. It’s my religious novel. I was dumb, I was slow but feel I’ve got it. Up most of the night reading Greeley’s Making of the Pope 1978– NOT an edifying story. We are all made in each other’s image. Housework. Avril’s train 10:30. Barnacle – Shadow Is ME – 11:30 AM – Mon 28 July 80 Argument with Avril – can M & D change She is hostile to the idea: don’t EVEN TRY!!! But last night at dinner I pointed out how Mom interrupts – won’t let us get a word out – she was flabbergasted!! Completely unaware of it. And it goes against her philosophy etc. So there’s a change. Genevieve did give me some support. Agreed Plumly made a mockery of religion for the students (which M & D did NOT want to hear). Merrill very threatening and formidable – will not allow her schedule with Baby Barney to be interrupted. PERIOD. Whew! When I asked what time I could come to the Periwinkle and make coffee she said NEVER. Barnacle needs hotplate! Merrill NOT a good ad for pregnancy – her body looks collapsed like a beanbag chair. I have to remind myself – this is were all the gins & tons are tending. Genevieve on the other hand looking particularly gorgeous – very challenging about my desire to go to Fordham; says “It’s CATHOLIC” the way you’d say “It’s fascist.” Wish I could have explained my emotional feeling that mysticism is “beyond all that.” Barnacle – midnight July 30-31 – 80 Talked to my sweetie and he read me some mail. Cindy thanks me for my note but “can’t face” the wedding. What did I say? Can’t remember. He had a good day on his exams - felt excited and competent. Feeling utterly unprepared for tomorrow’s NJ exam. Finished Jean Love’s VW – Sources of Madness & Art which I adored – can’t wait for the next vol. Esp interesting to read it “in the bosom of family” so to speak. Love points out family members development is complementary to all others’ (family mem) development. Mom & Dad less “challenging” this time – they must be starting to think this wedding will really come off. Sat 12 July 80 – Grover’s Mill
A week since Val’s funeral. Toss made me buy horrible clothes – I thought since it was all his and his family’s affair I’d give him his head – results shocking. Khaki, stripes, constricting belts: Yuck! So much for his “You have no taste Alysse.” Now we know what he thinks taste is: BEIGE. Comfort not only NOT a consideration, It’s an affront - to the universe apparently. Never again. Saw Val in her coffin – touched her rock-hard chest, her frozen face. Nothing more shocking than a dead person – it’s like any object. God. Finished wedding invites, immediately invaded by terror. Why? Wish the wedding was tomorrow – wish I was pregnant – Is it because now I have to write? Probably. Other people don’t seek out electric jolts. Invaded by hunger which I tried to ignore by biking to PO. While I rode, I thought. Sun 13 July 80 5:35 Finished sewing pearls on my wedding veil. A peaceful activity. Yesterday Seth (T’s bro) and fiancé Sue to dinner. Talk about Lois who is struggling to write a “You deserve it” letter to Sutton. Found pix to show of Sutton & Lois’ courting phase. Even when he’s smiling down at her (1949) he’s holding his body in an attitude of withdrawal. They married 2 months before Toss’ birth! But Lois looks happy. When he failed to respond up to what she considered his romantic potential she began the punishments, the denigration, and when he turned away she acted so shocked! Her power, her charm, her luck – rushed out of her like air from a punctured balloon. What did she expect! “He’s so awful he doesn’t deserve to leave me?” Where’s THAT work? Doesn’t even work with kids! They flee at the first opportunity! She received all God’s gifts – except…the one everybody wants. It’s more like a curse. 16 July 80 – 11:30 PM Retire with the rum, hot milk & honey I promised myself – this will do more for my headache than aspirin. Been stupid all day. Wrote a few pages on Prisoner– hope it goes better when I get to Labarraz. Tried unsuccessfully to read Straub’s Ghost Story. How can something so coarse-fibred be so praised? Someday we’ll look back on him the way we look back on Ms Humphrey Ward. Clueless in Paradise. Avril called – Daddy gets a million and a quarter from Corning or $55,000 year for the next 30 years. Says he hopes we won’t mind if he “squanders” it. Inzar kids get a million each. I admit it –I’m jealous. What would I do with it? Philos degree from Fordham? 11:AM – 3 July 80- StormFall Farm
Toss’s father Sutton’s third wife Val died suddenly yesterday morning at 2:30 AM. T. was on the phone with his father about 11 PM when Sutton suddenly said – “there’s something wrong with Val.” And dropped the phone. When he came back on he said they were calling Rescue. Toss and I jumped into the car and drove up arriving at the hospital where they said, “She expired.” Like a library card! Couldn’t understand at first. She was 46! Back at Sutton’s house he was cold and grey still in a state of shock; “They couldn’t start her heart.” No one knew she had anything wrong with her heart! I don’t know who suggested birth control pills as the culprit - or smoking? She had decided to break her diet for a dish of ice cream and that was it. T Is with his father, I should be washing my hair; instead I write a poem I can’t share but like better than anything since Alyssum. At this rate I’ll have a vol in 20 yrs! I woke to die From the darkness Into which we’re poured I woke; To die; like Gravebait screamed About in dreams; Soul’s sheath scorned Me, threw me Off Strangling in the cough The lava ran from groin to brain My very bones were rearranged. On my heart’s arc They carve their names The clones enraged By Passion’s claim; Tunneling up My sinews unashamed. Scars remain For philosophical discussion: Life? Or simulacrum? For still I live; condition unknown Owed not to chemistry; Nor to moan. Whose corpse is this? Am I not she? Her grimace Not a bit like me. In darkness see the Mirror people move Left to right And speak their love. But why exchange My glitter for their grief? Assent; Ascend; My mercury’s released. Sutton’s Place Everybody crying, Sutton on the phone with his sister Cressida, Granma’s plane just landing, Dom will be here within the hour. Minister came over to lead prayer service –did quite well –we discussed immortality & warmed to each other – I was stupid enough to say I’d written a poem – he said I could read it at the service Uh oh. Better come up with something. 4pm 4 July 80 I most mind the separation from Toss; our “togetherness” and “affront” to his father’s loss. But it gives me more time for writing. I come up with this: She Died Young The whirlwind starts Without me – I am sucked I am scuttled like a leaf. I loose your hands My words come fire the Blood bursts forth Push push push Into that darkness From which we all were poured comes What? What Fierce sonnets? What unicorn, what Madrigal? God commands us push and Push and Then relax. In the torpor the Bees bud into butterflies The trees devour Their own roots. My lips Become ceremonies My hips Are burial grounds. We push and Silence rushes in to bear me up Collapse my burdens in A house of cards I soar; I flirt My strength is limitless My life my soul An infinite Caress Today was the worst day – no, yesterday was pretty bad too. Long ordeal of preparing food and sitting around waiting for somebody to eat it. Awful. Toss keeps trying to take away jobs his poor father really wants to do – everyone wants the man to sit there stunned and feel his loss. Subtle struggle for power between Lew’s brother Avery & Toss. Toss wants to do everything and he’s physically angry with other people’s efforts; locking his jaw, snapping his head and waving his fists. This makes ME angry! Current thinking is its “good” to let your anger out but since anger is infectious this is a stupid idea. I’m sure Toss is angry because he was raised by a really angry woman. Reminds me of my father’s anger – my mother’s response was to drift away, humming. It’s impossible to love a really angry person – anger is a rejection. Granma doesn’t help – tries to goad people into activities; sorting, cleaning fussing projects; busywork. Really annoying. We contemplatives get short shrift around her. Sat 7 Jun 80
We’ve been here a little over 2 wks and the place is beginning to look like ours. Sitting in the garden under holly, maple, lilacs and cypress – an Eng garden gone to seed. I see Tom’s light in the Little House where he is studying. Tomorrow drive to Phila to celebrate T’s birthday then on Mon I plan to plunge into my study & redo Secaire. M & D called – I told them about Gilders College Writing Fellowship. They told me ForOptics merged with Corning Glass – up to 24 from 8. This would be good news for me if I could ever get hold of my stock but “trustee” won’t let me have it. He is considering a disbursement. He’d better since Gilders’ stipend is $60/wk!. T & I had usual fight last night but I am learning from them. He goes “negative” & combative very fast. I have to grit my teeth not to mushily give in – I don’t want to fight but APPARENTLY HE DOES – the trick is to get him to see it. He thinks I’m just “resistant” and “demanding.” Resolved to bring his unconscious processes into consciousness. Dinner = trout grilled in spinach. Melon & cold veg salad. Reading PD James’ Innocent Blood – just awful. What bone does she have to pick, that’s the curiosity. Feels like she hates females. Probably feels se has to go “male” to write – how can female “fluidity” direct a story? Thurs 12 Jun 80 Rode my bike to Evening Prayer in Princeton. Perfect length (1/2 hr) 2 hills of equal since so neither direction is “harder”. Ordered more wedding invites, then discovered it was 5:23 had to rush to intimidatingly big church. 7 people arranged around a side altar – my plan to go unnoticed conks out. What is my obsession with invisibility? Because parents were so agonized whenever I launched forward? Minister female, short, stocky. Daphne? Turned out to be a healing ceremony! Quite beautiful! Lots of rising and standing. At some point I just burst into tears. Awful. Everyone sking if they could help but I don’t know what’s wrong so just slobbered away. I think now I was feeling “expulsion”, exclusion – “The gifts of God for the people of God” but I don’t really know. I may just be emotional as parents said “we won’t let your peculiarities interfere with your health” direct quote. I was so embarrassed leaving – apologized but the minister grabbed my hand and looked piercingly into my eyes. GOD IT WAS POWERFUL! Said, “I’m Daphne Hawkes!” Wow! She insisted she “knew me” and “recognized my name” (Reader of Devlyn? Impossible.) She said she had time to talk, I said I DIDN’T and blundered away. She said, “You’re in my prayers, Alysse!” I stagger off, exalted & terrified. Bike conked out, I walked home. On the Palmetto from Washington – Princeton Jct 10 PM Tues 17 Jun 80 I love trains. I like Arthur Conan Doyle because he loved them too. All his fuss over timing, carriages & tickets delicious to me. Feeling bad about Avril – she says her life is suddenly empty. Her heart membrane as thin as a racehorse’s ankle. We got her a cat and set the house sale in motion – best way to free her I can think of. Bought my wedding lingerie, tried on the veil Maureen is making for me –STUNNING! Avril & I saw 2 classics – The Empire Strikes Back and The Shining. Missing my angelic male half. House sale should net $5,000 – M & D giving me $3000 stock Nov 1. Relief to have SOME money coming in. Thurs June 19 – 80 Letter from agent – Devlyn sold to Germans for $1000! (One edition – rights revert to me.) Der Todestrank or some such thing. “The Death Drink.” Maybe I don’t have to take a job this summer (fellowship starts Sept.) Late again to Daphne’s service –this is awful but I had to drive T to pick up his car. Forgot Kleenex – so sure I wouldn’t need it! Wrong!!! Trying Zen breathing to control the sobs – zilch. Total humiliation. Daphne hugged me said she was glad I’d come – I took the oil & communion although I’m “unbaptized.” Daphne said a different prayer for each of us. Lovely woman. The wine was real! (Unlike at Devon’s church.) Nice touch! I think I’m crying about “losing control.” Thurs 26 June 80 Writing wedding invites not as much fun as I thought it would be – can’t use my fountain pen (paper too absorbent) can’t get as good an effect with a felt tip. Oh well! I’m up to 90. Can only do 20 per sitting because I become paralyzed with boredom. Last weekend on Cape first time I felt I was “myself” around T’s family. Having a book out nobody read is not much to establish an identity. T’s aunt Cressida staying with us now – up late arguing with her about Katey. She argues – weirdly I think – against adopted children finding their bio parents! If they could just accept a Beneficial Social Fiction as reality wouldn’t we all be Fine? Where have I heard that before! I was so relieved Toss saw all the issues immediately – the biggest one being TIMES CHANGE. (Often in ways we can’t imagine but since we know they do, why pretend? ”We’re gonna fix this for you kids right before we die and you’ll never have to address that problem again.”) He really is a superior intellect. (He does have a flaw; sees abortion and adoption as similar! Typical male!) Mon 30 Jun 80 Lethargy – extreme, prolonged, profound – the key to my personality these days. Fallow. Torpid. A little Teresa of Avila goes a long way – Elinor Wylie fascinating & sad. Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s latest vol. of diaries. She’s an irritant I WANT to identify with but she’s oppressively DIFFERENT. Jonathan Valin’s Lime Pit ho hum, Eliz Cadell’s latest empty. A Marriage of True Minds had some interesting data. Not finding what I want I reread Nancy Drew with an eye to a Modern Version. What would that look like? I sketch out a Mystery at Mirror Lake- trying to help a friend – becomes Last Year at Marienbad pretty quickly. Want to rewrite Prisoner of St Secaire & getting some good ideas. I don’t want the heroine to be “unsure”, that’s Nancy’s appeal in a nutshell. She’s always being accused of being a spy and a snoop and it doesn’t faze her. Yes, she is! So there ! No problem pocketing evidence and keeping it to herself. Probably why Mason (?) condemned her as “cold” and “calculating” in The Girl Sleuth. She NEVER solicits male help! (Asks Dad for a favor once in blue moon.) “Unfeminine” ? But why then is she popular WITH GIRLS? She represents an absent vitamin? Obviously. We’ll suck tree bark to get it if we have to (and you DO have to to read ND.) A direction for Fawn in Demon Roused? |
Alysse Aallyn
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