Fri. 18 Apr 80
Living in the 20’s reading Holroyd’s Augustus John. Very pleasant. T’s house sold! $22,500! (He bought it for $9,000.) We can’t spend it, he says sorrowfully, eyes raised heavenwards. But he laughed when I laughed at him! Out to dinner tonight with the Wests at Les Palmiers (Larry always calls it “Les Palmer’s”). Thinking out a good ghost story. Uncharitable thoughts about Ts buddy Larry – who I can clearly see is jealous of me. Loves T more than he loves his wife! 20 Apr 80 Novel going horribly. Can’t conquer my absolute distaste for what I’ve set myself to do. Obviously gone wrong somewhere. But where? Wishing to give my life the proportion of myth? Should just make things up like everybody else. Fortunately the mystery is still fun. A little too crazy perhaps Will Lois recognize herself as Immortelle? Re-reading Mes Apprentissages in a very bad translation reminiscent of Constance Garnett’s weirdly Bertie Wooster take on Dostoevsky. Americans don’t really like Colette – Gide of all people called her “contaminated.” Maybe that’s why they don’t like me. Letter from Merrill lectures me about pills – says Mom’s varicose veins shows we are susceptible to clotting. Says she’s sending me her old maternity clothes. 5PM Tues 22 Ap 80 In one hour have to dress for Goodbye Kentucky Post party at downtown Cincinnati German restaurant. Spent 1 ½ hrs smoking in the sun in baby oil, then bathed. Wrote 8 p. Good? Not really. Sending it to Liddy with my commentary. Maybe she has good ideas. Hideous Ann Beattie work in NY Rev of Books very discouraging. I am out of step with THOSE times. Reading Colette’s Vagabond. The Crosland bio does not do her justice. She is encouragingly honest about her slow maturation, the humiliations of the music halls etc. She had a lot of recognition, though, from the very beginning. Still, one would not wish to BE Colette (contrary to what I’m sure my mother thinks.) Trying to imagine what it would be like if T supported what I’m trying to do instead of acting like I’m attempting to “score” off him. I am not writing for him thank God. Publication vital. But recognition? It is the life that matters. 23 Ap 80 Reading Heartsounds which I want to give to Daddy I realize how barren life is without mysticism. If you put “self” first it turns out there is no “self” there. Brain damage from anesthesia the most horrifying detail – maybe Daddy can’t take it. His god is Science. Lovely evening at the restaurant. Afterwards T “critiqued” me. I talked a bit too much! When people ask questions, you don’t have to answer! Feels I “interrupted” him. I am aghast. I think he wants us to speak as a “unit” which is him. But we are not there yet I point out. We don’t agree about everything. But he thinks we should disguise that! Mysterious bleedings. Just want to continue the pills FOR A FEW MONTHS. Then no nasty pills ever again! Maybe IUD between kids. Toss moans and groans about the summer like he will NEVER EVER GET A JOB EVER AGAIN. Weird. He seems so intelligent and desirable to me (and everybody else.) Put down Heartsounds for Celibate Passion which I am thoroughly enjoying. Novel going splendidly – E Bowen’s Heat of the Day confirming all my choices (though the Louie subplot was a mistake.) Today my wedding dress came. Fit perfect. T. dizzy with desire. Oh this summer will be so exquisite! Only 3 more weeks! 11:40 PM 27 Apr 80 Blew up last night at T. We went to the movies with Larry and Suzy (saw Norma Rae) and I got another “critique.” Told him he can no longer criticize me on the basis of my behavior but only on his feelings. In the middle of our pitched battle brother Seth called from Colorado to read a 5 p letter he sent special delivery denouncing their mother. He is jealous of her “better” treatment of me, she is nice to me, never nice to his fiancé Sue. (She’s not that nice to me but I don’t point it out. I don’t think she knows how to be nice to people. It’s almost funny. But she is offering us the house no one else can live in.) I ask T why Seth has to attack his Mom six weeks before his wedding? What good can THAT do? It’s crazy! I think he’s hoping to be publicly disowned. It all ended with T & me sobbing and kissing in each other’s arms. Suddenly get the idea for a second ghost story. Sitting peaceably over blonde chartreuse while T reads bulb catalogues and I skim Anais Nin diaries (NG.)
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7:15 PM – Wed 9 Apr 80
No sun today – sweater & jeans. T & I spent 2 hours at hospital trying to figure out pain in my gut. Right ovary “tender”. Must be psychosomatic – that I can get only 11 p n Blood. Curing myself with Jane Austen’s Persuasion. Sun 13 Apr 80 Wretched novel! What he hell’s it about? Answer came there none. T & I saw Coalminer’s Daughterthen went to the symphony for Svoboda’s Seasons. Movie not as good as the music. Life, as VW used to say, is not like that. T. doing his taxes. $9,900 he can’t find. He says I’ll have to get a job over the summer! Finished After Leaving Mr McKenzie” Superb! (Rhys.) Fatuous intro by Ford Madox Ford. 11:30 Am 14 Ap 80 MON Sitting to my typewriter trying to persuade myself that good things can be written by people paralyzed with boredom. T thinks not eating and not sleeping and banging your head against walls is the best way to accomplish something. Suddenly got a good poem last night. Surprised myself. Advice I’d give my son A swan’s wing shows the universe. No surprise to me From this small window I can see Plenty more than understand. Still I cast my nets And still I’m sinking; restless; forced to move This unfriendly virus IS my blood I see it in my son thirty years and Not much done. It never quite meets Attempt and reach. I see it in his eyes Introduce him to the dead And yet protect him from the hive. Wrap Him tightly in a web of Earthly light; Pray for mystery Glory; thought & sight. Sickened by poor S Plath’s competitiveness in Johnny Panic & Bible of Dreams so reading KM’s stories. Very interesting. The moment she died V Woolf started writing like her. T. bought his cap & gown. 11 AM Tues 15 Apr 80 T says we have to stay tell we sell this house. I said, YOU have to. He’s so worried I’ll go back to dancing. I think my body’s probably marshmallow by now. Feeling totally beaten down. I tried to tell him last night about SP beating herself up because she couldn’t write Lady’s Home Journal serials – he thought I was trying to say I’m Sylvia Plath and I got ½ hr on the dignified hard work of writing for mags. Missed my point!!! SP couldn’t do it but WOULD HAVE LOVED TO. Got a good first draft of Bride & Wolves. Feeling a little better. Chest doesn’t ache. My AMBITION - my ULTIMATE AMBITION – would be to write a novel in ONE DRAFT. Did my taxes. Refreshed myself with Bloomsbury Portraits. T thinks I’m trying to LEARN to be suicidal, broke out of fashion and unsuccessful. But I like what I like. Very depressing April weather. Eliot was right. T finds perfect off the shoulder Mary McFadden wedding dress for me in keeping with our Greek theme. He orders it for immediate delivery. |
Alysse Aallyn
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