Tues 18 July 67
There is a serious drawback to having a roommate – I never get anything done! Mom and Dad called from Cape Cod I started crying and then we got cut off! I am ashamed of myself – they are never going to know I’m not miserable. I can’t explain about Robin obviously (Mom would take HIS side!!!) I get so homesick when I hear their voices! Avril was telling me about all the “psychedelic” boutiques on the shore. Thurs 20 July 67 “Is the world a lunatic asylum then? Are we all courteous maniacs discreetly making allowances for everyone else’s derangement?” This from Muriel Spark’s wonderful The Comforters which I just this moment finished reading. So fabulous. So satisfying. Didn’t understand the title until I read that sentence! Halfway through I doubted I could survive the chaos (or the self-conscious writing. “Joe was feeling tired. “I’m feeling tired, said Joe.” There’s only so much of that you can stand.) The book jacket prints a nice quote from Evelyn Waugh and I will follow that man through thick and thin. It turned out to be worth it. Words blown out of context, motives ignored, manipulations misconstrued while people automatically say the opposite of whatever they really feel. Spark is enchanting. I will get all her other novels to read, but my next project is Waugh’s son Auberon’s Foxglove Saga. Sat with Chris Cahill during dinner. He is only 14 but painfully smart. No one can stand him but me – he wants to argue about art and/or history at every possible moment. With a male Alysse Aallyn on the loose how can I help but lend a hand. Spark backs me up that we are kinder toward those whose madness we recognize! Last night’s preview VERY successful – the nuns loved it. They are as sentimental as whores (according to Giraudoux!! ) Sister Mary Rosycheeks said the cancan girls have such cute bottoms! Our dancing was certainly the high point! Must get over to the theatre now in fact – it’s only ten to seven but I need ages making up. 1:50 AM Fri 21 July 67 Fierce rainstorm this afternoon – Jodi and I were DRENCHED! Had to dry my hair under the bathroom blower. Too much to eat! Jodi & I celebrating opening night with clove tea & orange peel (Alysse’s special recipe) chocolate cookies, apple and the rest of the orange. Who needs the dining hall? I’d better stay up while the tea takes its course – I hate being wakened in the middle of the night three feet off the bed on my bladder. Jodi looks so sweet over there – sleeping clutching her Kleenex box! Finished part I of Foxglove. Auberon’s nowhere near as biting as his father – but he is witty and entertaining. He’s certainly a lot more organized than Muriel! He’s also not a fatalist but maybe he’s too young (cover portrait handsome young man.) Hmmm. Don’t think I could ever marry a novelist. How would you ever know who was plagiarizing who? Opening night audience was packed. At first NOTHING could amuse them but by the beginning of the second act they were thawed and started applauding EVERYTHING!! Loved the cancan! Such a letdown when it’s over! I’m ecstatic when I’m dancing – sweat didn’t ruin my makeup - not a curl out of place – lost no feathers – not even an earring! Did not forget Sasha’s gloves or tights! Triumph! I am learning. (It was the first time I was EVER in the Green Room on time.) Some of these costume changes are TOO MUCH – once again Carrie forgot to double knot my bodice and it started to unravel! Called the travel agent - booked a flight for Wed. Get out of here 9:30 AM making only one change at Minneapolis. Get into Kennedy 3:30 PM their time. Then a train to Montauk. I wish Mom would meet me – I’d like to talk to her and it would do her good to get away. I’m sure she is afraid to talk honestly about Genevieve, but she’ll never feel better if she doesn’t. Her impulse is always to pretend it isn’t happening – I remember her stepping over dead drunk men in the street and being goosed by parking lot attendants in Morocco. All with regal hauteur. I bought her a green paisley cigarette case as a mark of a new Tolerance to let her know I love her – she knows I hate her smoking. At some point we have to step past all the frozen tears and kisses. Before the second act curtain when Robin and I were frozen in our places, him touching my bare back he begged me to go to the Black Hawk with him after the play. I said No. I said, ‘:Do you hate me Robin” and he said no but I can see he does. After the play I ran up the iron stairs to the dressing room, smeared cold cream on my face & eyelashes, put on my dress without a bra and rushed out before anyone could speak to me. Sweet, seven page letter from Genevieve July 15 – “This is a shamefully overdue letter and I apologize but all sorts of phenomena are happening in my life – I’m sorry I haven’t included you sooner..” Then she sprung her big surprise – she’s marrying Kent Winokur! Said she loves him because he’s like Daddy! Hmmm… Said she’s probably get married next weekend and I could come visit them! I wrote back saying I thought marriage was a hell of a contract and nineteen’s awfully young but I know she won’t listen to me! Enclosed penny candy as a wedding present! I do disapprove. It’s not Mom and Dad – I don’t think she can help feeling trapped because she WILL be trapped! I wouldn’t give up the excitement of independence so easily, that wild exhilaration. You never want to think you’ve missed the action. And what if she wants to be alone? I want to know that somewhere there is a single bed I can always return to. On the other hand, I haven’t met anyone who makes me want to give that up. I suppose it’s possible he exists. Sings Barbra: “I want to find my true love like all the lovesongs say I want to do what I want, I want to get my way. Wild dreams grow wise when sweet childhood flies Time waved her hand and the breeze Blew sand from my eyes…” But I may be making a mistake thinking what revolts me revolts her. Maybe she is the wife type. I better go to bed – Jodi and I have to clean the paint room tomorrow and I will look like Living Death. Is there no rest for the wicked?
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Tues 18 July 67
There is a serious drawback to having a roommate – I never get anything done! Mom and Dad called from Cape Cod I started crying and then we got cut off! I am ashamed of myself – they are never going to know I’m not miserable. I can’t explain about Robin obviously (Mom would take HIS side!!!) I get so homesick when I hear their voices! Avril was telling me about all the “psychedelic” boutiques on the shore. Thurs 20 July 67 “Is the world a lunatic asylum then? Are we all courteous maniacs discreetly making allowances for everyone else’s derangement?” This from Muriel Spark’s wonderful The Comforters which I just this moment finished reading. So fabulous. So satisfying. Didn’t understand the title until I read that sentence! Halfway through I doubted I could survive the chaos (or the self-conscious writing. “Joe was feeling tired. “I’m feeling tired, said Joe.” There’s only so much of that you can stand.) The book jacket prints a nice quote from Evelyn Waugh and I will follow that man through thick and thin. It turned out to be worth it. Words blown out of context, motives ignored, manipulations misconstrued while people automatically say the opposite of whatever they really feel. Spark is enchanting. I will get all her other novels to read, but my next project is Waugh’s son Auberon’s Foxglove Saga. Sat with Chris Cahill during dinner. He is only 14 but painfully smart. No one can stand him but me – he wants to argue about art and/or history at every possible moment. With a male Alysse Aallyn on the loose how can I help but lend a hand. Spark backs me up that we are kinder toward those whose madness we recognize! Last night’s preview VERY successful – the nuns loved it. They are as sentimental as whores (according to Giraudoux!! ) Sister Mary Rosycheeks said the cancan girls have such cute bottoms! Our dancing was certainly the high point! Must get over to the theatre now in fact – it’s only ten to seven but I need ages making up. 1:50 AM Fri 21 July 67 Fierce rainstorm this afternoon – Jodi and I were DRENCHED! Had to dry my hair under the bathroom blower. Too much to eat! Jodi & I celebrating opening night with clove tea & orange peel (Alysse’s special recipe) chocolate cookies, apple and the rest of the orange. Who needs the dining hall? I’d better stay up while the tea takes its course – I hate being wakened in the middle of the night three feet off the bed on my bladder. Jodi looks so sweet over there – sleeping clutching her Kleenex box! Finished part I of Foxglove. Auberon’s nowhere near as biting as his father – but he is witty and entertaining. He’s certainly a lot more organized than Muriel! He’s also not a fatalist but maybe he’s too young (cover portrait handsome young man.) Hmmm. Don’t think I could ever marry a novelist. How would you ever know who was plagiarizing who? Opening night audience was packed. At first NOTHING could amuse them but by the beginning of the second act they were thawed and started applauding EVERYTHING!! Loved the cancan! Such a letdown when it’s over! I’m ecstatic when I’m dancing – sweat didn’t ruin my makeup - not a curl out of place – lost no feathers – not even an earring! Did not forget Sasha’s gloves or tights! Triumph! I am learning. (It was the first time I was EVER in the Green Room on time.) Some of these costume changes are TOO MUCH – once again Carrie forgot to double knot my bodice and it started to unravel! Called the travel agent - booked a flight for Wed. Get out of here 9:30 AM making only one change at Minneapolis. Get into Kennedy 3:30 PM their time. Then a train to Montauk. I wish Mom would meet me – I’d like to talk to her and it would do her good to get away. I’m sure she is afraid to talk honestly about Genevieve, but she’ll never feel better if she doesn’t. Her impulse is always to pretend it isn’t happening – I remember her stepping over dead drunk men in the street and being goosed by parking lot attendants in Morocco. All with regal hauteur. I bought her a green paisley cigarette case as a mark of a new Tolerance to let her know I love her – she knows I hate her smoking. At some point we have to step past all the frozen tears and kisses. Before the second act curtain when Robin and I were frozen in our places, him touching my bare back he begged me to go to the Black Hawk with him after the play. I said No. I said, ‘:Do you hate me Robin” and he said no but I can see he does. After the play I ran up the iron stairs to the dressing room, smeared cold cream on my face & eyelashes, put on my dress without a bra and rushed out before anyone could speak to me. Sweet, seven page letter from Genevieve July 15 – “This is a shamefully overdue letter and I apologize but all sorts of phenomena are happening in my life – I’m sorry I haven’t included you sooner..” Then she sprung her big surprise – she’s marrying Kent Winokur! Said she loves him because he’s like Daddy! Hmmm… Said she’s probably get married next weekend and I could come visit them! I wrote back saying I thought marriage was a hell of a contract and nineteen’s awfully young but I know she won’t listen to me! Enclosed penny candy as a wedding present! I do disapprove. It’s not Mom and Dad – I don’t think she can help feeling trapped because she WILL be trapped! I wouldn’t give up the excitement of independence so easily, that wild exhilaration. You never want to think you’ve missed the action. And what if she wants to be alone? I want to know that somewhere there is a single bed I can always return to. On the other hand, I haven’t met anyone who makes me want to give that up. I suppose it’s possible he exists. Sings Barbra: “I want to find my true love like all the lovesongs say I want to do what I want, I want to get my way. Wild dreams grow wise when sweet childhood flies Time waved her hand and the breeze Blew sand from my eyes…” But I may be making a mistake thinking what revolts me revolts her. Maybe she is the wife type. I better go to bed – Jodi and I have to clean the paint room tomorrow and I will look like Living Death. Is there no rest for the wicked? Sat 15 July 67
I should be so lucky. Robin grabbed my arm on the theatre steps and told me he’s going crazy. I said I have bad dreams too. He asked me to “fake it” for a week! I was blind with rage. I asked him to never touch me again. He asked if I’m going to write him off as “another mistake”. I shouldn’t have told him about my boyfriends – they aren’t “mistakes” even if we don’t end up together. (Beales was a little bit of a mistake.) I don’t accept what Miss Cluny says, that its what OTHER people think of you that makes you what you are! How could you become yourself? Robin quiet during rehearsal – I just got the “reproachful stare”. It bothers me WORST OF ALL that he thinks GUILT is the way to get to me. Whatever I’m doing, I SHOULD be doing something else! This is the end. I don’t want to waste valuable notebook paper on Robin. Shawn’s the kind of man I would THINK I’d want but Reed’s the type I REALLY do. Artistic. Uh oh. Pawed my way through Those Who Love. Much too slick and glib. But at least he’s reassuring me I’ve made the right decision! Finished O’Faolain – he’s not Mansfield but he does have something. Struggling with Mary Renault but I’m tired of homosexuality. Sun 16 July 67 Just a year ago I was leaving MN, assessing my theatre summer and its value! Tis was a better theatre experience but I’m not sure I can remain in the theatre if I dislike routine so much. Robin says I’m spoiled and lazy but I like surprises. Constant astonishment would be perfect. Robin says that is film acting but I photograph so horribly I could only play witches. I have a jaw like a boxing glove. I do feel more sure of myself and more determined in my philosophy. I’d consider dancing if every dancer alive weren’t better than me – I am not a “natural dancer” at ALL. But it’s fun! I learned to respect Catholicism but see it’s danger: putting men in charge. They have crazy ideas! Robin for example, thinks I’m a “whore” because I WON’T have sex! I think my moral philosophy is pure and untainted but he says if I like passion without penises I must be a lesbian! (I better not tell him about Fleur. I’ve had my chance! ) Love is NOWHERE in this equation. He grabbed me backstage as I was going on for Act III and said I broke his heart. I told him to write a radio serial – I don’t think his heart ever came out to play. He was very insulted but Jodi and I have discussed this. She agrees his deepest feelings are not involved – this is a volcano of selfishness and anger and I should stay away. She says he wants to talk badly about me to everyone but they will see it for what it is. Jodi moved in a few days ago – I am liking having a roommate better than I thought I would. Looking forward to seeing Mom & Dad and cruising a new area. Play with my thirteen-year-old sister and catch up on my sleep. Mon 17 July 67 Rehearsal bad this evening. I am gobbling aspirin. Whenever I see Robin talking to someone I know its about me. The orchestra is so pathetic there isn’t a beat to dance to! We get our counts mixed up. Left my black ballet slippers at the dorm and Mr. Johnson wouldn’t let me wear my pink ones – had to wear a pair that didn’t fit. The second act is definitely the worst – they put the summerhouse where I am supposed to be standing! I am literally dancing against a wall. I nearly killed Carrie in the cartwheel and then my bodice started to unlace. The only fun I have is in the cancan. And in the final act I have to waltz with Robin! That means I am wearing my ugliest costume for the meaningless finale. Miss Whalen delivered an ill-timed lecture. All those considering suicide will go ahead now and do it and the orchestra will be even smaller. Tea and sticky buns with Sister Mary Rosycheeks back at the dorm provide some relief. In a week I’ll be on the boat! Sun 9 July 67
Long mosquito-slapping talk with Robin on the way to Denny’s party. He looked really good in a gold-buttoned vest. I couldn’t believe what a long walk it was until I realized he was going around and around the block! He says he is going through a stage and he wouldn’t have admired me if I’d said Yes! So it seems to be a game and he’s angry at me because I wouldn’t lose! Now that he knows I’m a fine person it’s time for me to lose! I was so upset I had to look away. This was supposed to make our future easier? Merry Widow such a failure of a play. Dippy and trite. Between rehearsals Robin walked me to Lourdes Hall for dinner. We were relaxed like people no longer wary of each other. Or maybe I am exhausted. We were drinking coffee and eating dessert when I was paged – ship to shore call from “the yacht Gryphon”! Mom and Dad are not coming to the play. Last weekend Genevieve brought her boyfriend Kent Winokur to meet them and Mom had a meltdown. She says he’s a bearded hippie, Genevieve says he’s a law student and Dad has a beard. Mom made Dad shave off his beard! They already knew Gen & Kent were living together so I don’t quite understand. Dad said they want to go to VISTA together and VISTA won’t accept them together unless they’re married so they’re getting married! Mom wants a family wedding and they don’t. Dad’s loyalties are torn. Genevieve has always been his favorite daughter – I am barely “also ran”. Avril wanted to talk about her cat Morgan (his name means “seafarer but they have to keep rescuing him with the net because he thinks he can swim.) She did say Kent has “long hair”. Dad felt bad they canceled their flights – he knows I’ve been homesick but I reassured him that I’m having a marvelous time. I remember Genevieve making so much fun of Merrill’s wedding, also the idea of marriage – “How can she be sure?” I told Robin all about it – he sides with Mom! Gave me a lecture on “social responsibility” that degenerated into a paen to noble pioneer women of the soil. He is hopeless! I told him to read Giants in the Earth and get disabused. He seems to look at life as having a “traveler” and a “wayside – who feels free enough to leave who. What if I refuse this wayside? He assures me somberly that Women who Forage will Be Foraged. I usually feel confident I can land on my feet in a conversation but with him bliss keeps turning to despair. I told him he’s a perfectionist but it’s not really the word I want. Another depressing letter from Casey – I am getting afraid to open them. She says Brian Nydahl “gave” Marnie to Reed because Reed “loved” her more. Boil! I’m furious at the lot of them. Tues 11 July 67 What a glorious day this has been – the change of directors makes an enormous difference! Mr. & Ms. Sullivan relaxed and cheerful, use Persuasion instead of Terror. I think my body is beginning to listen to me. Mr. Johnson gave a ballet lecture to the nuns and we Dancing Girls demonstrated the moves. After the demonstration Sister Mary Rosycheeks plied us with sticky buns and cake. She told me my hair is the color of sunlight. She is so darling. These nuns are the best people. Robin took 100 pictures of me (I warned him they’d all turn out bad) then rewarded me with lunch at the drugstore where we could relax in the airconditioning. When he bought me penny candy I said he was too lavish – he said I’m the only person who listens to him. Actually I’m the only person “expecting more” from him – every one else takes each other at “face value”. All the interesting stuff is underneath. Jodi said we weren’t needed till 3 so we went over to Tempo and had a leisurely shop. Then time for bath! Hot water has the power to reshape me as if I were wax – white sundress – tied my hair back with a white satin ribbon. You look like Twiggy! Said the doorman and I felt complimented! I love the walk to the theatre, the old stone buildings, the greenery, the arches – this is a sort of paradise. Robin was waiting for me on the steps – rushed up and put his arm around me possessively. He said I looked like a tall cool glass of milk! Then he tried to talk me into staying an extra day. I said my parents need me. When rehearsal started my joyous mood returned. Rehearsal ended at ten fifteen so we could pile into cars for Mr. Johnson’s Mousetrap party in Wisconsin. Robin and I ended up walking on a country road beneath a sky ablaze with stars. I thought, this is not my place but it reminds me of my place. A satisfactory make-out session devolves into an argument about city people vs. country people. He says you can’t be both. If forced to pick I will choose the country just because it’s quieter but why choose? I said if you feel controlled by circumstances you will always choose the wrong things thinking you aren’t choosing at all; that’s why people should feel free. He got mad thinking I meant him (which in a way I did.) At Tiplady’s party we listened to the entire score of The Fantasticks (which I saw for my sixteenth birthday.) Back at the dorm reading Irving Stone’s Those Who Love. Thurs 13 July 67 Everyone released from rehearsals at 10:30 except Maxim’s Girls – we kept at it till 11:10! Steve walked me back to the dorm – said all my freedom makes people think I am a “loose liver”. I said why can’t we just be friends and got the Victorian line: “It’s IMPOSSIBLE for MEN & WOMEN etc etc etc.” I’d be willing to kiss him if in the midst of it he’s not talking about hating me and hating himself. We ended up wrestling against a wall – I kicked him with my newly hardened legs, trying to say he’s making me not trust him. He turned into an animal! He really scared me. I never imagined getting raped before but I see how it could happen. I’ve come unscathed through some pretty tight spots. I think I knocked his head against the wall. I said I’m sorry, He said, “Don’t apologize. It’s my fault.” But I can’t help berating myself. I shouldn’t even walk with him much less make out with him but I’m so hungry too! For passion and love and anything I can get. I kept talking as we walked back – I can cheer myself up with the sound of my own voice. “I can’t figure you out,” he said, “You want sex and you don’t want it.” “I like pleasure and I don’t like pain,” I told him but he still doesn’t get it. He thinks I don’t “do it” because he would despise me as he told me he would. But if we really aren’t going to see each other again, would that matter? (I’ve got a lot of boys despising me already; Beales, Reed, Shawn too, now, apparently.) I have to feel sex will be worth doing and I’ve almost felt it with other boys – just not with Robin. Am I “using him”? He says No! I flippantly said I didn’t think I’d find the “right guy” before age 30. He said he thinks I’ll find him sooner than that. It definitely felt like a goodbye speech. I had to go around to the smoker to rap on the window to find someone to let me in. He thought the reason he was getting nowhere with me was he wasn’t “forceful” enough! I’m praying he leaves me the hell alone after this. I think he will. Wed 5 July 67
There are those (psychiatrists) who say Environment is All. I will raise my children with stimulation & excitement. I say routine’s the modern curse; we’re always hanging about like goldfish with our mouths open awaiting the next bell. Who lives more fully, a tiger or Walter Mitty? I say Mitty because imagination IS a life but no one agrees! In fact last night’s party turned into a “company meeting” where we all complained they work us too hard, yell at us too much and are too insulting in their criticisms. (Lucky they haven’t had a suicide.) They’ve turned us into a heap of Pavlov dogs and no one has the nerve to tell them this however. Found my own personal philosophy perfectly expressed in the explanatory paragraph before Browning’s Soliloquy of the Spanish Cloister (a most awkward poem in my opinion.) I abhor the Victorians. Ugliness refined to an art. Anyway, “Life is a moral testing ground and the call t the individual to realize his (or her) potentialities is also a call to meet the moral demands of his (her) world! So true! I wonder how many people I’ve influenced to start diaries! JoAnn is starting one. She’s thinking of becoming a nun! Thurs. 6 July 67 In the smoker listening to Jefferson Airplane. Fran says Grace Slick is bad for her voice but she’s attracted anyway. Jodi wants The Chad Mitchell Trio which is all western and warbly. I say there must be something in between – how about Night on Bald Mountain? Fran says there’s no singing, I say yes there is. I’m pretty sure the demons howl at the end. No different from Grace Slick really. Mousetrap opening tonight. Robin gave me a charming ring made from a silver spoon. We went to a thrift store so I could buy new jeans (and corduroys) – my old ones won’t stay up! Sat. 8 July 67 Why is Robin such a small mind? BUT HE’S SO BRIGHT AND AFFECTIONATE AND WHO ELSE IS THERE? He’s grabby and pawy and the word No is against his religion. I dressed up for the Hawk because Michael Steele the MN reviewer would be there. Robin said we had to stop at his apt first but he wouldn’t leave. I got so mad I smacked him across the face as hard as I could. He was hurt, I apologized so he started up again! He produced condoms! I was insulted, he was angry. I told him Anything but That. We did manage some pleasure – I had several seizures. But men don’t like it if they’re not impregnating you, which is A Problem. I’m willing to grapple with birth control but not for this guy. He thinks never seeing each other again is a plus! I kind of hate myself now. Feel like Lady Ellenborough – “too much trouble to say No.” Feeling emotionally stomped. |
Alysse Aallyn
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