Mon 8 Feb 71
Armon moved out today. First Armon confessed he made love with his acting coach Lila. She told him he had to, otherwise he’d be “putting up walls,” and he kept it a secret because I “was acting so strange.” I said, Fine, we’re done. He said, why suddenly so uptight? I refused to explain; we no longer know each other well enough. Told him he could buy the car for $400 but cats & apt are mine. Lila called me later “Let’s be friends.” Stuttering. (The other woman.) Asked me if I knew anyone she could stay with in New York City! (I suggested Armon’s Park Ave grandmother! Ho ho Ho.) Taken by surprise but I handled it well. (Barbara said it was an insult.) Bruce Vill obviously courting me but I remain aloof. Barbara says she’d take him if she could (but Eric’s coming.) I want to learn how to work alone. 22 Feb 71 I’m in love with Bruce Vill! How the hell did that happen? Went to a party where we crawled through a white cloth series of tubes, a labyrinth. Bruce coming the other way, so laughing and beautiful I was instantly smitten like someone in a Shakespeare play. Just when I was feeling so free! I can’t write, though. I told Lynne, I need to know where my next sexual and emotional meal is coming from. She said, “Beats being a sex object up for grabs.” Really made me laugh. Now how to put a spell on Bruce… He seems to respond to just the right amount of coldness. Lynne says I don’t have to do anything. Feel bad about this ending with Armon. We knew each other so well. Too well, maybe. Tamsin gave me her book to read. Embarrassed because it’s dull & cliché ridden. Filled with loveless screwing. Friction with Barbara. Nothing obvious, just under the surface. Time for her to move out. A brand new love affair is exactly what I need. 2 Sept 71 – Thurs – Chevenix College, Marlys, MD Summer appears to be over. Responsibilities piling up. Soon I’ll be an employee of the college (Downstairs Theatre) and all my rhythms will have changed. I concocted a long speech of Len’s, which I will mix with one of Pete’s (from The Dwarfs) to perform for theatre bash Sept 24. Bruce and his band (Bad Heart) will play as usual. They rehearse nonstop and I have to pretend I am not listening to them or I am “trying to interfere”. They’re just jealous. I can feel so much work beginning. So many ideas & plannings. Re-start my gothic. Wrote a long letter to M & D in China laying out my plans. I feel the closer I get to my ambitions the more Mom dislikes me. No wonder in literature the heroine’s mother is always dead. She has to be if said heroine is going to get out of the house. Reading D. Eden’s The Pretty Ones. Ick, ick, ick. She has a husband and wife sleeping together in pajamas four days after marriage. I suppose it does happen. Turns out the murderer isn’t one of the “nice people”. Reminds me of a line from that great film Sleeping Car to Trieste: “I shall bear your theory in mind.” “What theory, Inspector?” “That murderers are never found among one’s friends.” Band rehearsing their opening number: Hello Stranger. (I call it Hello Strangler.) Much time wasted arguing about who’s “off”. Each accuses the other. But they’re all “off”, what with Judd’s constant lateness, Dillon’s perpetual persnickitiness, Buster’s out and out slobbishness and Bruce’s refusal ever to accept blame for anything. I love Bruce, so I excuse him. I gaze at him rapturously, thinking he has The Sixty Year Face – the face that can only get better looking. And it is so beautiful already, huge smoldering dark eyes, huge curly lips, strong Roman nose. He has broken my mold for good. Wed. Sept 8 - 1971 I am being sick right now, which lends a feeling of Ultimate Futility. Bruce very bad with sick people. Need to talk to Chloe about what she is teaching in Writing but I am paralyzed. Miss having Tamsin (teacher) to advise me. But she is in Ireland visiting family. Feeling depressed over the band’s absolute confusion of drugs with sex. To them, it’s all the same thing, and I can’t help but worry that Bruce will alter to their society. Reading Henry James’ What Maisie Knew. Really, Henry, there’s just so much punishment we can take! I am relying n his preface that she will somehow triumph over all this vulgarity in the end. But I still prefer Edith Wharton. Sat. 18 Sept - 71 Finished E. Bowen’s Death of the Heart. Definitely moved me in some places. Better than Ivy Gripped the Steps. But her descriptive writing is too consciously pretty and I can’t help thinking “heartbreak” is all in how we define it and this heroine is a limp sister and gave up way too soon. Bowen’s work always finishes before it’s over. A problem. Have to think how to explain this to my writing class. Bruce and I get into an argument about education vs. “enlightenment”. I think this is a strange rationale for an atheist. He says some things are just “intrinsically right” about art and people should be forced to kowtow whereas he would never say this about government, morals, etc. I should never listen to Chicago (cheap and derivative) only to Ry Cooder (whom I loathe.) I say one can be educated to appreciate anything but this is where he drags “enlightenment” in. Annoying. Bruce’s manager Coco (he’s a he) and I are starting a Chain the Children foundation to protest fines I have to pay for dogs never being on-leash. Our theory is, children need leashing worse.
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Fri 8 Jan 71
Painfully stupid letter from Devon. I refused to let Armon read it but not for the reasons he thinks. It puts D in such a bad light I am embarrassed for him. It is disrespectful to our past & both of us. A furious insisting this breaks all our “deals”. But I still won’t let him read it. Hours of lovemaking improves the situation slightly. Barbara and I calling around for free clinics – I need my BC prescrip renewed. Terrific dinner with steak & wine. Sat 9 Jan 71 Horrifying “Leadership conference.” Students want to “take” everything that is not nailed down because “life has cheated them”. Life has cheated them because of a war they are not fighting. I said we need more women’s writer classes they answered Teach it yourself. Somehow I agreed to it – so didn’t go back after lunch because God knows what I would agree to. Worked instead on my Julian the Hospitaler story. So intense during the tiger scene I was shivering. Let A read it – he said my “animals had great humanity.” Best compliment I’ve gotten from him so far. Got Barbara reading Turn of the Screw. I’m reading Ellman’s Joyce. Tues 12 Jan 71 Last night rushed to get to Tamsin’s Children’s Lit but it was just the two of us! Very uncomfortable but we talked about everything; Turn of the Screw, my story, etc. Her past, coming from England as a war bride to a hopeless husband but her only way to get to America. Barbara asked me afterwards if I thought Tamsin’s interest in me “lesbian”. I said no: “vampiric”. Theatre class today so much fun – we played “statues” which is my favorite game. Completely free from “narrative”. Wed 13 Jan 71 A now jealous of my relationship with Barbara! I talk to her, fix snacks for her, play scrabble with her. All the tings I used to do with him! He is hopeless. I cried from sheer inadequacy – we both cried - feel like it is the first time we have been sad together. I yearn for a stone monastery muffled by snows where I would be ALONE but I can’t say that! Nightmare: I was on the boat – in my bunk looking out porthole into darkness rushing past – except it was a plane and I knew it was going to crash. Trying to reconcile myself to death – woke up so relieved! Trying Vol 1 of Dorothy Richardson’s Pilgrimage. A Neglected Female Novelist for my putative class. Not as good as Villette, alas. I think the autobiographical framework is getting her down. Too reminiscent of Voyage Out, which I never could get through. Given the job of interviewing students for the handbook. Sun 31 Jan 71 Rough days. A and I split up. I go to the Rideout’s new Washington house expecting balm but am made to feel like a spot on the furniture. One good thing: Rita has a complete collection of Dorothy Sayers (which I am borrowing.) Now I am at the Library of Congress waiting for Montague Summers’ books on demonology. Horrible experience at clinic – doc said sneeringly, “Didn’t your mother teach you how to douche?” But all the books say douching’s bad so he’s the douche. I demand another doctor. Barbara and I saw Winter Light & The Silence. (Last one best.) Bruce Vill comes over to play scrabble with us. He is strikingly beautiful. Wrote a sad letter to Devon, which I regretted – too late (of course) and one to M & D to tell them about Armon leavng. Dad called me a “camp follower” for going to Armon’s college – then Armon transferred to my college (he needs the deferment) now he says he wants to go to Bennington (where his acting coach is.) Who’s the camp follower now ? Mom at least liked Armon because he used to garden with her. But they’ll be relieved to be free of his Mom (who used to call them in the middle of the night to complain about me.) She won’t like A’s acting coach any better heh heh heh (older & married.) Sat 26 Dec 70
This diary getting stupider and stupider. Definitely needs a lock as I change my mind about everything every 5 mins. Tried to tell Gen about A but the competitive spirit dies hard. I’m looking forward to seeing him again and G doesn’t think it’s women’s lib. Jen & Kent gave Dad Howard Zinns Politics of History for Christmas – I’ve been dipping into it – pretty interesting. Larchmont (A’s house) Mon Dec 28 - 70 Went to a party full of Larchmont High alumni so boring and stupid I had A’s brother drive me back here. Desperate for something to read picked up Simone de Beauvoir’s 2nd Sex and I really dislike it. Maybe it’s a bad translation – the French sentence structure sounds stupid in Eng. Her chapter on the lesbian was a complete waste of time. I quit there. Armon came home and we had beautiful sex very loving & giving. He says Polly makes him appreciate me more. This is an awful house and I’m an inadequate guest. I guess I never realized what a private person I am. Possibly I just don’t like people. I think Armon’s mom is acting crazy but he says, “She’s always like that.” I think they are insensitive to her calls for help. Armon’s father asked me how I approach a writing project and I said a few things. Armon later told me it was rude to speak to an important New York editor like that since we are not equals. But he asked me! Quakerism gets in the way – the modern equivalent of “thee & thou.” Tues. 29 Dec 70 I can’t stand it in this house another day. Armon’s asleep so I guess he’s not coming with me. Big scene last night. A’s parents say Chevenix bad school, A only going there because of my dad. He neds to leave and seek some status. I said he neds to buy out my half of the car. Mr. S. told Mrs. S I said her mother is horrible. Tactless of him. Maybe dishonesty IS the best policy. Mrs. S said she’s tired of doing everything I her house – Mr. S not sympathetic. I call Barbara B who says she’s willing to take A’s room for a month and see how it goes. Sun 3 Jan 71 – Pewter Hill NY Times article about encounter groups totally backs me up – they are “emotional fascism”. Want to call Armon to tell him. He was so difficult about my rejection of group experiences – pot, alcohol, sex. He says I’m beyond “old-fashioned” I’m “antique”. I say I’m “baroque”. Told him he needs to learn to distinguish between “true & false” experiences – quoting Hemingway but he was unimpressed. Not happy about returning to college which I think is one long encounter group but I can’t complain to Dad since he’s paying for it and I moved heaven & earth to get there. I wanted the “Summerfield” experience so I am stuck! Marlys – Wed 6 Jan 71 Wish I liked Turn of the Screw better. Get sick of the shilly-shallying & endless innuendo. Most disturbing thing about it is the emphasis on the children’s “great beauty”. Makes you think they were unnatural. Hmmm. Bad acting class with Fionnula Flannigan. She says the audience doesn’t care anything about you! “They’re only interested in the character.” Yes, but they are looking at you. You have to know what you have got. Fionnula says “assume” any guise you wish – this makes actors happy, not me. I guess I want to be a writer/director. I want to uncover. Armon working with a private acting coach in “secret sessions.” He’s all for “assuming any guise.” Talked Barbara into trying out Leonora’s playwriting class – it was a good introduction to Chevenix College. Maybe she will stay. Then saw Truffaut’s excellent L’Enfant Sauvage – healthy antidote to commercial poison. Mon 30 Nov 1970
I called Armon Sun & he told me he spent part of Sat night with Polly B – kissed and made out. The only reason they didn’t go all the way is she lacked contraceptives and didn’t want to do it in her husband’s house. First it was a shock, then I figured I should have known. Avril & I took Gen & husb to bus station. I am embarrassed to be in this situation. I am a confirmed monogamist but agree Armon & I are too young to make such a pact which probably waits for marriage. I called Armon back and said we probably shouldn’t be “faithful.” He said he’d think it over. Enjoying Schoenberg’s Passover Plot. Like the idea that the resurrected Jesus was somebody else carrying the resurrected message – I felt that way last spring, thinking I could EMBODY Shelley if I wanted to and that’s true immortality. It seems odd that Mary thought Jesus was the gardener. Met Armon this AM at “Hill Hall” , a dismal fortress t Walnut & 33rd. He got a ride from his brother’s girlfriend. I was standoffish and he was angry – this shouldn’t change things especially since I gave “permission.” But it does change things and I didn’t “give” anything, acknowledging we were too close and must have some distance. He doesn’t get it and accused me of being a “Catholic.” Didn’t feel I knew him well enough to argue with him. Armon says he doesn’t even LIKE Polly. NO ONE likes Polly. He says she’s “messed up.” I was a little hurt that he discussed this with his parents. Who needs them? They said he should move out. He won’t though, we have 2 bedrooms. I said he should buy out my half of the Volvo so we don’t have to depend on each other. What I really want to do is write Devon a letter. There’s an unfinished relationship! Genevieve said he’s been trying to get in touch with me. Made great love twice with Armon – I think he felt he hadn’t satisfied me enough. Came two times. Wed. 2 Dec 70 – Still Pewter Hill Ten mins to write – A & I have to get up early so I can take him to the train and I want to write about The Ordeal of Mark Twain which I just finished. His wife rewrote his books! But why did he let her? Lots I have to face abut Armon. He says he really loves me, probably because I’m his first. Isn’t that just a “habit”? But there’s so much he needs to find out about himself. We need to separate but I must help him as affectionately as I can. We need to make love less often – it’ very confusing. Sometimes I think I want Devon, other times I recognize a delusion when I see one. I think I’d be setting myself up for a fall – with Devon I can’t take the initiative or he’s scared off. Can’t even send a Christmas card. Mon 14 Dec 70 – Marlys Feeling lonely right now – A asleep in the next room. This is how you feel when splitting up. We drove in from NYC today. I got along all right with his parents but his grandmother tried to talk him into going to Yale, ignoring his awful grades. Her grande dame routine not working on me. A didn’t say anything as part of his “never trust anyone over 30” policy. Reading Marck’s Beethoven. Tues. 15 Dec 70 Sometimes I just want to hurt Armon so badly. We went to a really decent party tonight – people think we are together - I was surprised by how much rage I feel. I thought he would do something but he hasn’t so we’re in an intolerable position. This separate rooms thing is not working – it just means he doesn’t have to THINK. We have to separate. I hope I’ll feel saner when the time comes. I feel like Armon’s a bomb in my life. Tues. 22 Dec 70 – Pewter Hill Demeaned myself going into Armon’ s room and crying and saying I feel mutilated. Horrible. Had to come home right after that. Now when we talk on the phone we both croak – we’re sick. Makes things easier. He doesn’t want to go home but says he might go to Wis to work under Richard. I said that is a better plan than that “encounter group” he is interested in. I said I think what upsets me is that he’s deliberately looking for somebody he DOESN’T CARE ANYTHING ABOUT to have sex with. This seems pointless and doesn’t attract me. I would have to care SOMETHING by definition. Preston Pugh & his parents came to dinner. I know I could have him. Here’s a guy I went to bed with and I feel absolutely nothing for him. Further demeaned myself by sending Devon a card. No answer of course. Merrill & Julio already here, Gen & Kent due tomorrow night. Snowing and the place looks pretty. My brain begins to fill. Writing a werewolf story. |
Alysse Aallyn
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