2 PM – 9 June 76
Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner. Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined. Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long. Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car. Tempted to risk it. 11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through in their whites. They are very polite. Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM - Things could hardly be worse. Got my hair cut the other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me. It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it. I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just completely in their hands. Plus I got another piercing in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?” She would call and cancel if he had a phone. On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like – which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my ego won’t allow too much relaxation. Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic! Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service. Fri. 18 June 76 ll:00 Am A’s friend a complete bozo. Fortunately he has other places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver. DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her money too small, gas costs, etc. A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t read fiction any more. Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: “Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously – and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster. I got 2 standing ovations today. The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as I learn the ins and outs. Avril loves her new job – thank God – they want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin) and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city. She’s always yelling at the to “Look out the car window and tell me what you see.” Met the most charming little man – a TV director at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre. His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading Meyer’s Ibsen.
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Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach. Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going to class as she Mom thinks! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of this apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts, hedges, futures. S O DULL. Raining outside. Isn’t life rotten? 10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76 Answered an ad for “go-go girl”. You wear fringed bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous. She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns in Minnesota!) DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow. Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live (Mom refuses to live here.) Dad says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what a painful ugly duckling story! Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after rockstar husband Bruce. Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the money.) Would be reading The Place at Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open. 11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76 No word from Devon, but speaking of attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering at the young desk when this young man with dark curly hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and what I was up to. I was wearing my outfit plus military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband around his head and was all set for running but his plans changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead. His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to the dark Hideaway and watched me the whole time – playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side. I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful. We shall see. Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank. Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right. Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him if I wanted to. I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings to help me with my ghost stories. 2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76 Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death, Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money. Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76 Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage. Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle – 2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack. Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up, but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon – boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not “available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap. Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”. He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!” But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me. Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend. She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else. Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in the family begging us to intervene. Tues. 13 Apr 76
Same thing happened to Life as happened to Academe. The “story” simply disappears. She “presents” characters then cops out. Every chapter would make a good first chapter for some other novel. D. and I drove to the beach in Plymouth and lay in the sand. Now I lie naked in a field beside a cranberry bog across the road from 80 Main St – well sheltered by trees. The sun is hot and redeeming. Rebirth seems possible. Turning failure into success always a possibility. 4:30 PM Finding two ticks on myself I had to search my body more carefully than any lover. Wouldn’t do to have the Hope of American Literature felled by Rocky Spotty Fever. Now on the stoop, I dry my hair after bath and drinking coffee. Last night Devon brought back a pizza and triple sec. I was excited as a kid – haven’t had pizza in 6 months. We discussed his desire to enter seminary. I said I could definitely see it but shouldn’t he explore more religions? Unitarianism for example. Said his Mom would never accept that. Maybe counseling? Girls would flock. But he seems to have made up his mind. Relieved that I accepted it. (Angela wouldn’t.) I said his life is up to him. We have to go where we have to go – it’s hard explaining it even to ourselves. Then the sex. Simply glorious. I was going to give it another night before going for his penis, but he was all over me so I “went for” it. I was a little bothered by all the clothes. I still refuse to come with him – I explained we’re doing “process” so forget about “product”. He was intrigued. Says he “admires” my “discipline.” The difference in our sexualities I guess. 9:00 pm – Sitting on the sofa slightly bombed. Colin made a roast and I made salad; we talked and when I mentioned Devon’s “gentleness” – Colin said he’s the “angriest tennis player” he’s ever seen. I guess he saves his rage for sports! Strawberries for dessert. Colin produces a magnum of champagne. 8:20 AM – Fri 16 Apr 76 Sitting in McDonalds’ waiting for my train. Eating small fries and knocking back an orange drink - probably shouldn’t because my stomach’s in a state of collapse but what the hell. Devon and I had a Farewell steak and wine dinner and saw Wertmuller’s Seven Beauties. Followed by the best sex ever – he played with my asshole and vagina at the same time until I was delirious. Came all over the place (to his great satisfaction.) This had its usual result – my feeling that we exchanged souls. I’m in love and it was murder saying goodbye. What a mess I am. My nightgown came off entirely – his penis seemed to want to be sucked – goodness knows I wanted to suck it – I asked Is this OK and he moaned – Yes, I’m weak! Afterwards I said, I can imagine us making love and he said, we just can’t – I couldn’t apply to seminary. It would plunge me into the abyss. I agreed we don’t want that! He introduced me around the bus stop as his “woman”. It is always one step forward two steps back with this guy. When we said goodbye I’m afraid my eyes filled with tears, poor guy. I can’t even remember whether I gave him my Washington address. And now I want to cry on someone’s chest for about three days but whose? Dad’s new buddy/friend/entrepreneur Marc Kramer who lives in Boston and told me to Call Him Anytime does NOT seem like a good candidate. He’s all business. I wonder how my sister Genevieve can stand New York after Boston. Boston is such a cool place. Men shout out of cars at me, “You’re beautiful!” And I love it! Maybe this is what happens when you dress like a bird of paradise. Think I saw Sylvia Plath sitting on a park bench in the Common. Thinking about suicide, no doubt. I’m thinking about sex. This coffee is terrible. 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My gothic hero is hopeless too (he’s 63.) Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School. 11:30 PM April 9 – 1976 - Zevin Towers, Wash DC
In honor of spring (and a letter from my old ski coach Devon) I quit my drudge job as architect’s Girl Friday, break up with Kyro who seems determined to torment me with “the other woman” (and to torment her with me) and flee my pointless Baltimore existence for Mom & Dad’s empty skyscraper pad in Washington DC. Dad was supposed to “consult” while Mom “bonsai-ed” everything that couldn’t get away. When she started on herself, he took her up to Maine (where she wanted to go all along.) She takes cortisone for bursitis; the doctor says a side effect is depression. Now they tell us. Anyway, sister Avril and I have a lush pad to ourselves. Devon finally answers the letter I sent him when my marriage was breaking up, talks about the dreamy Winter Carnival we enjoyed together (mostly in his bed.) Suddenly says he’s ready to commit to a “relationship”. Not clear if it’s with me. Apologizes for his long strange silence - he’s had so many “incomprehensible” experiences in S. America his personality became “dislocated.” Grateful to be back among God’s sacred snows & pines. I read that he both adores and fears my sexuality. That’s probably all that letters can accomplish. Soundtrack: “Funny…you been there…and I been here…” (America) Plympton, Mass. 3:45 AM – Sun 11 Apr 76 Devon drove all the way to DC just to pick me up – brought me up here where he has an apt. with his ski & tennis pro friends. He is still the most startling beautiful man I’ve ever seen and completely unaware of the fact. Called Winter Carnival “our fatal week”. We told each other the things we hadn’t said; I told him how all his friends took me aside to say how much they admired his “separateness”, “apartness”; spirituality. That’s why they elected him fraternity president. He said what they “admired” are actually his problems with people. Suffers from a strange amnesia about what we did, as if he’s afraid to use both sides of his brain at once. Told me he was such a carnal monster I was better off without him. Tears in his eyes as he asked, “Was I cruel to you? I can’t remember.” I said no, although taking my ski poles away to teach me better slalom technique might rank as cruelty. I should have said children are always cruel to one another. Returning he fell in with a stewardess named Angela – same girl he’s dated ever since I married Bruce. They came to Stone Orchard in response to my letter but when she realized he had to get drunk before seeing me she turned the car around. (Or was it Bruce he feared to meet?) Angela, who did all the heavy lifting I’m too proud for gave up on him. Says he regards me as ”rare and precious”; wonders aloud if I exist to “work out” his conflicts. I control myself to let him reach out. Sex will be better. New strategy; keep quiet and get him naked. But he’s so gorgeous I slap my hand every 15 mins. It does creep me out when he talks about “the Godhead”. Poor Angela. All I want is stay in flow with life, be honest and try not to explode from greed. He wants me to be a creature in his magic terrarium. Just woke up on sofa covered with down sleeping bag. Devon and I and his two friends Colin and Janet had the most gorgeous feast of scallops and wine – sherry before and B & B after – I got entirely bombed and passed out. Think I’ll go upstairs, wake D and see what happens. 8:30 AM – 12 Apr 76 What a night! So glad it happened though. Went upstairs and blundered around looking for Devon’s room – Colin came out naked with a giant erection and put his arms around me and hugged me. He kept patting my hair while I tried to get him to understand I was looking for Devon. He sent me in the right direction and I sent him back to Janet. Crawled in with Devon who seemed delighted – he was wearing only a t-shirt. He got up, put on a pair of underpants, got us an extra blanket, crawled back under the covers and held me. I knew Mother Nature was on my side – “Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air? Says America). We cuddled. 7:00 pm – Emotional breakthrough. Devon finally tells me the “problem”; he wants to be a minister. Took me to church; horrifically alienating. Mumble sans meaning and hilarious fumbling with tiny, tiny cups of grape juice that do not even aspire to be wine. I felt banished from touching him: we weren’t a couple. When we got home I told him exactly what was on my mind – do we have to be drunk to have sex? Who is the one requiring vaginal ejaculation? This mysterious pressure to push our sexuality onto me is not only hurtful, it’s impossible. He loosened up beautifully, relaxed, and we had a great talk. Says celibacy, hard as it’s been, is actually preferable to some of his traumatic experiences. (Some of which I actually know about because he talks in his sleep.) He says I’m the “continuity” in his life but that makes me “family” and he hates family. He said he most admires the way I “hold out” so casually against parents, school, life requirements – nobody affects me. Told him it’s not quite true; describe my year as an architect’s skivvy in Baltimore. I started with high hopes (and such a wardrobe) but I do all work, partners make all money. I said I want a real relationship but we have to keep forgiving each other. He said, he loves me and sky’s the limit. Right now he’s teaching tennis. Gone till 8. Nothing’s a disaster if I get a good poem out of it. Cloverleaf Alas I’ve lost the courage to show poems. Bruce argued every point as if it broke unwritten law. So I work on my novel instead; about hidden sex becoming hidden love. To be called, Secrets. Since secrets breed secrets there should be one on every page. 8 PM – Colin came in to say The Story of O is playing in the neighborhood – I said I know too much about it to want to see it and Devon would hate it. Colin says this religion thing is fucking Devon royally. Into which steps Devon. I’ve had nothing to eat today (only coffee) in an effort to purify my body. But I’m hungry now. |
Alysse Aallyn
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