22 Nov 70
Stayed up late watching Raisin in the Sun – slept late. Armon wanted to make love – I didn’t but did it any way – naturally couldn’t come. Armon had to pull me out of my depression. Depressed by all this Hamsun (Growth of the Soil next.) Read Wodehouse and instantly cheered. Casey called – invited me skiing in Colorado without Armon. Maybe. Gordo Baird called – with Meg – girl named Tollie, Oliver dropped by to talk about Tues class. Do I want to be friends with all these people? Strange feeling. I’m supposed to want to but I don’t. Cleaning, washing, ironing all afternoon like an ancient housewife. My turn to make dinner – scalloped eggplant (big hit.) Allowed Armon read my writing – he said it was too “self-conscious and remembered.” He is probably right but he never likes anything of mine because it reminds him too much of me. Reading R West’s Train of Powder. For some reason I especially enjoy the reading that is NOT assigned. Why is that? Dance exercises till my legs were like rubber bands while Armon was at acting class – then poured myself into bath. Lynne came over – we served her eggnog while A made us read short Tennessee Wms plays. Good Property, bad Rain. 23 Nov 70 Car not working. Rode my bicycle in such a strong wind it would have been faster walking. Arrived at The Manor all red & puffing to talk to Farley Plage about directing The Maids. He doesn’t want to do it. I could see he wanted me to beg him. Offered me a yellow rose, very sly. He really is a dirty old man. He says he’s slept with Leonora, which is really sad. She must be desperate. I said, “I’ll direct it.” He said he can’t help me, I said I’ll figure it out. Tamsin’s class ran 1 hour over as usual. Everyone worked up about Tolkien except me, I talk James Barrie. Out of step as usual. “It is for you to discover for yourself, within yourself – within the silent green groves of an inner world where, alone and free, you may dream the possible dream that the wondrous is real, because you feel it to be. That is how you wish it to be and you will it into being…” Vogue 25 Nov 70 – Pewter Hill Depressing family Thanksgiving. Gen & Kent very snide and cynical about everyone & everything. I said their views are just as “tribal” – different tribe. Kent says animals don’t feel or think and any relation we think we’re having is a fantasy in our own heads. How can any human being be so unobservant? I pity him. He doesn’t actually believe it – he just parrots someone else’s view. Spent the eve searching the house for my defunct gothica, which I’m sure I destroyed. Armon says “don’t write it” which is enough to make me want to. I remember it was good. Armon says I’m looking for the “easy way out” but Tamsin says they’re getting contracts on the basis of a chapter or two. Armon wants me to be like Beckett. Reading Marek’s awful bio of Beethoven. Barbara Banniard coming over.
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Sun 18 May 69
Skip gone – probably driving thru CT now. I gave him a gold multi-colored silk shirt as a gift – he said “If you think I’m going to wear this – “ I said I was no likelier to use the chess set he gave me. Scene of a thousand humiliations. And so we each wish the other finds the person they WANTED to have. Discussion with Casey about Skip – she said sleeping with too many people will make me too hard to satisfy! Thanks a lot! No confidences, please. Finished Austen’s Persuasion – the best so far. Passed the eve watching Chabrol’s delicate Les Biches. “Marci’s faucet needs a plumber, Marci’s soul needs a man” (Joni Mitchell) 8:30 PM Trying to update Winding Sheet. This piece works against me more than for me. I put it aside t string beads & listen to music – the last glitter of a dying culture. “What a field day for the heat…” Funny that THIS activity refreshes me and returns my confidence! Everything is astonishing – nothing goes the way you think it would. 2:30 AM – Wed 21 May 69 Fear if I go to the West Coast I’ll never see Devon again. We won’t even run into each other. If we do, I will recapture him. I also want something that’s less of a college and more of a temporary fix. The Martha Graham school in NY seems to take anybody. Plus expense could trigger The Guilts if I can’t make use of things. Scared of regimentation. Discuss with M & D: I have to send out acceptance letters – things have to be decided. 11:30 PM – Spent the day working thru Geo Bernard Shaw: Misalliance, the Millionairess & Fanny’s First Play. ALL TERRIBLE!!!! They are so bad I’m astonished he let them get out. I guess I should feel good that an obvious genius is capable of such mistakes. 1:30 AM – Major Barbara better but ending AWFUL. So dangerous when The Artist becomes The Moralist. I bet you right now in 100 years Shaw will be as little read as Bulwer-Lytton. How can Devon ever lose me? The question that torments my nights. 2:00 AM – Sun 25 May 69 Hesitate to answer Skip’s letter. I feel like Annie Sullivan spelling into Helen Keller’s hand. “Young girls they do get weary…” Early Tues – 27 May 69 Alysse still awake, thinking & writing. Difficult year but on the whole satisfying, a conclusion I can explain to no one. He greatest problem is to be free. Think I can finish Pierre van Paasen’s Days of Our Years by four. Just can’t interrupt my working hours with sleep. Wrote Skip what I hope was a long, true letter. Marlys, MD Chevenix College, Fr. Nov 20, 1970. I finished Knut Hamsun’s Victoria while Armon reads As I Lay Dying. Unsatisfying, yet niggling. Johannes did not love Victoria; it was Victoria who loved. Dropped Armon at the Wilde Lake Library, bought collars for Sasha and Kolya and two boxes olive green stationery, which I decorate with green ink. Paz asks, Are you hoping they’ll come out the same? I say I’m hoping they’ll come out differently. Maybe someday the machine will imitate me. Armon bakes cookies from his mother’s recipe. Admired Hamsun’s Hunger – tried to write a little but I can’t be so unselfconscious. Armon seeking a plot, we go over his past which he insists has been incident free. Very loving day. We read de Maupassant’s The Ghost, which inspired me (through disappointment) to write Rope of Hair. Dad hates my ghost stories – but why should any subject be closed? He likes his “freedom” rigid. Finished the evening with Rebecca West’s Court & Castle. Pleased to see we utterly agree about Ophelia (I saw Hamlet last week.) On the Gryphon, Sassafras River, MD Sat 10 May 69
So cold I HAVE to write. I’d rather sunbathe but there’s no sun. Vicious wind so I’m down below! Wearing wildly flowered bellbottoms and navy jacket, hair in a messy bun. Sore from another bad night with Skip. He’s hopeless, alas. I tried to deny it to myself. Mistake. It’s so different when you love them. Skip says he “worries” about me. But the better we know each other the less we can discuss. Chewing off my nails. 10PM - Furious at Mom & Dad. They wanted to go to bed at nine and screamed at us for staying up later! So I write by flashlight. Dad’s personal violence is at considerable odds with his philosophical stance. Turgenev says everyone’s happiness is dependent on someone else’s unhappiness. So enjoying Kafka’s run on sentences. Sun AM 11 May 69 Finally hot sun, bare feet, maneuvering boat to moor against Count Crespi’s yacht. 11:30 PM Pewter Hill –Mon 12 May 69 Mom sends Dad to tell me my late hours are having a “bad effect” on Avril. I can tell he thinks its bogus. Se trembles with disgust for fear people are Seeking Out Sex. She just can’t shake it. What a curse. Dad says, “What’s going to happen to Skip when you unload him? He’ll go into shock.” I explain about Dartmouth: means nothing about Dad whose generation used Absence to grow Fonder. Not working for any of us so far. Then since I hadn’t turned off the TV he said he “couldn’t compete” and vanished. I wish I could explain about Devon but they consider him Not to Be Thought of (because of Bizarre Religious Background.) It would take too much work all to convince them I’ve been dumped by someone worthless. It’s funny that Dad takes Skip’s side when Skip represents everything he loathes. Long letter from Watson declaring his love. Absence makes his heart grow fonder! Unfortunately he’s off his rocker. I wrote back that NO MATTER WHAT Devon says I consider his friends off limits. Saw Virgin Spring tonight. Magnificent. Thurs 15 May 69 Cancelled Montreal. It just seemed crazy. Haven’t written anything in so long, can’t even seem to get my papers organized. Finally some decent sex with Skip – we made out – he wanted to go home – I accused him of being afraid of my parents – he said, “That’s it” stomped upstairs and stripped naked! I shouldn’t have gotten into this but now that I have – let’s breathe some life into it. He’s actually more fun angry than tender. Finished Beardsley’s Venus & Tannhauser – boring. The Real Sarah Bernhardt somewhat better. |
Alysse Aallyn
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