Sun 18 May 69
Skip gone – probably driving thru CT now. I gave him a gold multi-colored silk shirt as a gift – he said “If you think I’m going to wear this – “ I said I was no likelier to use the chess set he gave me. Scene of a thousand humiliations. And so we each wish the other finds the person they WANTED to have. Discussion with Casey about Skip – she said sleeping with too many people will make me too hard to satisfy! Thanks a lot! No confidences, please. Finished Austen’s Persuasion – the best so far. Passed the eve watching Chabrol’s delicate Les Biches. “Marci’s faucet needs a plumber, Marci’s soul needs a man” (Joni Mitchell) 8:30 PM Trying to update Winding Sheet. This piece works against me more than for me. I put it aside t string beads & listen to music – the last glitter of a dying culture. “What a field day for the heat…” Funny that THIS activity refreshes me and returns my confidence! Everything is astonishing – nothing goes the way you think it would. 2:30 AM – Wed 21 May 69 Fear if I go to the West Coast I’ll never see Devon again. We won’t even run into each other. If we do, I will recapture him. I also want something that’s less of a college and more of a temporary fix. The Martha Graham school in NY seems to take anybody. Plus expense could trigger The Guilts if I can’t make use of things. Scared of regimentation. Discuss with M & D: I have to send out acceptance letters – things have to be decided. 11:30 PM – Spent the day working thru Geo Bernard Shaw: Misalliance, the Millionairess & Fanny’s First Play. ALL TERRIBLE!!!! They are so bad I’m astonished he let them get out. I guess I should feel good that an obvious genius is capable of such mistakes. 1:30 AM – Major Barbara better but ending AWFUL. So dangerous when The Artist becomes The Moralist. I bet you right now in 100 years Shaw will be as little read as Bulwer-Lytton. How can Devon ever lose me? The question that torments my nights. 2:00 AM – Sun 25 May 69 Hesitate to answer Skip’s letter. I feel like Annie Sullivan spelling into Helen Keller’s hand. “Young girls they do get weary…” Early Tues – 27 May 69 Alysse still awake, thinking & writing. Difficult year but on the whole satisfying, a conclusion I can explain to no one. He greatest problem is to be free. Think I can finish Pierre van Paasen’s Days of Our Years by four. Just can’t interrupt my working hours with sleep. Wrote Skip what I hope was a long, true letter. Marlys, MD Chevenix College, Fr. Nov 20, 1970. I finished Knut Hamsun’s Victoria while Armon reads As I Lay Dying. Unsatisfying, yet niggling. Johannes did not love Victoria; it was Victoria who loved. Dropped Armon at the Wilde Lake Library, bought collars for Sasha and Kolya and two boxes olive green stationery, which I decorate with green ink. Paz asks, Are you hoping they’ll come out the same? I say I’m hoping they’ll come out differently. Maybe someday the machine will imitate me. Armon bakes cookies from his mother’s recipe. Admired Hamsun’s Hunger – tried to write a little but I can’t be so unselfconscious. Armon seeking a plot, we go over his past which he insists has been incident free. Very loving day. We read de Maupassant’s The Ghost, which inspired me (through disappointment) to write Rope of Hair. Dad hates my ghost stories – but why should any subject be closed? He likes his “freedom” rigid. Finished the evening with Rebecca West’s Court & Castle. Pleased to see we utterly agree about Ophelia (I saw Hamlet last week.)
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Alysse Aallyn
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