Sun, 11 Jun 67 – Wyriga, MN
Back for more with the Theatre Nuns! What is it I like so much about the Sisters of St. Hilarious? Is it that fierce battle of Inner vs. Outer? Must be. The students on the other hand, give me the creeps. Long skirts, weirdly puffed hair and old fashioned makeup makes me feel they’ve stepped out of the pages of Little House on the Prairie. In fact we are putting on Giraudoux’s Madwoman of Chaillot – too modern for them if anything. They are worried whether the audience will “get” it. How can they miss it? I hate finding out I’m such a snob but I might as well be honest. Picked up at the airport by Dr. Magnus and driven to the just completed dorms –smells like the mortar is still drying – where the other students claim to “adore” my “accent”. Didn’t know I had one but presumably they can’t hear their own nasal twang. Fortunately I have my own room – the senior I was supposed to room with – Josephine – has taken an apt! Yay! Now I can stay up all night if I want to. First class is Ballet (!!!) where I am forced to admit I am starting from rock bottom. Imitating a leaf in Miss Pleverer’s modern dance class when I was six has apparently not helped me at all. (She was another Misbegotten Wretch Mom wanted to support.) The only direction I have to go is Up. After that, Voice. Stress makes me screech – we are trying to lower my high whine. After that, casting for our play – I got cast as The Spanish Dancer because the director (with whom all the girls are in love) did not see me in Ballet. He selected me to lead the mazurka! Uh oh! Here’s hoping I pick it up. There’s a very good actor named Robin (didn’t get his last name) blond hair, long nose, tall and thin, poor posture but a terrific actor. He can imitate anyone – he is electric onstage! He’s also charming and funny and seems to like me. I’m trying out for one of the leads in The Mousetrap. I wouldn’t have the nerve if the others weren’t so hopeless. Tried calling home – was feeling homesick which Mom cured by lecturing e. The office chose that moment to cut us off. When I finally got her back I discovered she thought I hung up on her. I don’t think she really believes that I didn’t. Wish we were closer but she is going through a Bad Period. She is very angry that Genevieve wants to leave Radcliffe and go to Boston College with the rest of the rabble. She thinks she’s doing it for “some boy” and even if she were I don’t see why that invalidates her dislike of Radcliffe. It is a snooty, stupid place. I think she’s really upset because every time we talk about Africa, I cry! It’s automatic at this point and she thinks I’m doing it just to make her feel bad. “Mom, you took me to a war.” Neither Mom nor Dad want to know what we REALLY think which is especially awkward since all our friends praise them for their Honesty and Involvement in our lives! Our job now seems to be to tell them over and over again, You’ve Been Perfect but they raised us to be honest, analyze Problems and Problem-Solve. But only for the Benighted , apparently, which by definition our parents can’t be. For example, they are furious at Merrill’s husband for joining the Air Force. But if he JOINS as opposed to being drafted, he gets to take Merrill with him to Meteorology School in Athens, Greece! This sounds better to them than the jungles of Vietnam and I concur! (Wish I was there.) I HAVE to defend my sisters. Cried fiercely in my room afterwards – a girl came to be nice but I was old and proud. Slept till one PM Sunday. So great not having a roommate. Napoleon says “a man needs six hours of sleep, a woman seven and a fool eight”. A theatre student needs nine! I keep missing meals so bought lemonade and cottage cheese with pineapple and just got full on that. The lemonade I keep in my room, and there’s a kitchen with a fridge down the hall for my cottage cheese. LOVE that stuff! Rehearsals lasted till ten pm! My part is insignificant so I sit in the audience reading. Finished Genet’s The Maids (love it!!) starting Deathwatch. Almost completed Markham’s Napoleon and Dostoevsky’s The Idiot but left them in my room. Love Prince Myshkin and Jacques Louis David. Robin offered me a ride to the Black Hawk – the local night club. My high hopes were dashed. Sleazy dive with a juke box. Made me even MORE homesick. Missing Shawn. Tues 13 June 67 Finished the Idiot, then speed-read The Blight on the Ivy by “The Gordons”. I was hoping to sound well informed on student suicide rates in my next argument. But what a terrible book! Authors condescending to their readers fall between three stools: lurid Sat. Eve Post article, useful survey or Ma Gordon’s Common Sense Advice. No opportunity for Nat Moralizing was missed. They told me to read their other book entitled The Split Level Trap. No thank you! I saw the movie (No Down Payment.) Really didn’t understand Deathwatch. Trying to read Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey – to my surprise, I haven’t read her before but I enjoy it.
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Thurs 20 Apr 67
Interesting conversation with Shawn Kobler who walked me back from dinner. About mercy killing. I have a soft sport for it since Aallyns live forever, leaving their brains far, far behind. He used to be ugly ugly now he’s ugly interesting. Plus smart. He’s class pres, I’m VP so we have many excuses to meet. Hmmm. Negatives: Religious Life Committee, friends with Reed. Positives: Interesting athlete. He gets a lot of injuries ( hidden conflicts.) And he has curly blond hair and big shoulders. He plans to be Student Body Pres next year. Me – the Notorious Scofflaw – going out with SBP? It has a certain appeal. Wed 26 Apr 67 Dammit, flunked another math quiz. Had to ask what R stood for (radius). If this keeps up will need a tutor. Who ever heard of the radius of a SQUARE? It is wrong that it should have one, but it does. If I fail I have to retake as a senior and that WILL NOT HAPPEN> Will memorize the damn textbook if that’s what it takes. Coming up: Gertrude spouts equations in Hamlet death scene. “To fail or not to fail…” Fri 28 Apr 67 They show Rashomon after dinner and Reed and I got into a stupid argument about it. He blames the whole thing on the poor woman, which is not the filmmaker’s point at all. I really think he is going to force me to break up with him and his beestung mouth. Sat 29 Apr 67 I hate everybody. Miss Wienand had the nerve to tell me I would never be a writer because I have “no feel for literature.” She did not like my Wordless Play. Hideous struggles with CP Snow and Isak Dinesen. Trying to write a poem in French that is a takeoff on Rimbaud – reflections of sweaty men in a wineglass by firelight. The soul heaves! You know the sort of thing. The tap dancing of an amputee. Having my mother show up for Parents Day a VERY good thing however. She is so gracious and beautiful I am raised in everyone’s estimation. I sit in the East Room eating 2,000 macaroons while she is making lifelong friends. She did sleep through the lecture on careers! Then she took me & Aynsley to lunch at the Media Inn saying she is thinking of buying Pewter Hill, Aynsley’s grandmother’s beautiful house. That would be lovely. Avril and I would get a whole floor. Unfortunately Auntie Beulah would have to come live with us. I ate prime rib, fondue and Cherries jubilee. I really am a fire-eater. Now I have to write a paper about whether Lincoln could have avoided the Civil War. (NO!) Paper doomed unfortunately. Miss Cluny said Lincoln’s letter was the model sympathy letter and I said it was a disgrace to humanity. Mon 1 May 67 Brice came up to me after lunch to break up with me! From Aiken! Due to Differences in Lifestyle & Libido, blah blah blah (the nerve!) He OBVIOUSLY expected me to fall sobbing into his arms, which I refused to do. Said it was a pity Aiken was such an Old Man while still in his twenties! I like my generation! Not One Tear will I shed on or for either of Those Men. There is NO PLANET in the stratosphere where this mess of a Cyrano breakup would be OK. I was so annoyed I broke up with Reed! Not very nicely either. I do feel guilty but new horizons, etc. New horizons may be Shawn Kobler. He keeps casting me Unfathomable Glances. Getting the distinct impression I represent Bad Girls to him – don’t like that at all. Didn’t know if he would “forgive” me for Reed – fortunately he doesn’t approve of drugs either. He usually doesn’t date – he is too busy running the school. Did invite me to put in an appearance at a dance he will be “working”. That’s not quite good enough for me. Reed’s KOBS (he’s still sending them) are poems as-screechy-violin-psycho music; Shawn’s complicated screeds fear “stuffy domesticity” and wonder if the “call of the wild” is dead. I can answer that: No. Mon 13 Mar 67
Developed a whole new theory during German class. Possibly my exam suffered (I rushed through it) but what are classes for but to provide intellectual stimulation? I’m thinking Aiken’s too domesticated. Am I mistaking youth for originality? (That I think would be his argument.) That everybody “gets over this” and romance is a function of youth. But history and literature prove that its not. Since, however, I’m “the kid” and he’s the “PhD” I will NEVER win an argument with him. Never! And I am accustomed to winning my arguments! Trying to write a story in which I construct the Perfect Man. Anyone over twenty’s too old. He’s tall and thin and golden and had most of his toes taken off my a lawnmower. Sadly the story races away from me - my heroine isn’t good enough for him – so I’m having her run off with someone else. Not quite halfway though Queen Victoria – Born to Succeed. Ugly period – the women in their heavy clothes look very depressed. Thurs 30 Mar 67 Left a note at Aiken’s he wasn’t there (being satisfied by a glamorous – yet elderly brunette? No – working hard at the library to “gain a place in life”) and took the train to the new Penn St house. (It’s haunted!) The place was all lit up and Avril was playing the piano. The third floor has the most beautiful windows flush with the floor. Sending sunlight across the ancient, uneven boards. Delicious. Daddy not home so off to Bookbinder’s for dinner where I ordered soft shell crab. I got annoyed with Mom’s questions about Aiken so said he was a Mau0Mau with a bad case of cradle cap. She laughed so hard she wept. Our phone not yet installed so I put a jackknife in my pocket and went out to the public booth. Aiken was in – sounded cranky but surprised me by inviting me to a party. I was certain I was going to be dismissed for being too “jejeune”. He seemed completely unimpressed y the risk I’d taken to call him – probably thinking if I got raped it might clear up some of his problems. Borrowing a blue velvet dress from Avril – it so short!! A classic baby doll! But she is a champion blabbermouth and told Mom who absolutely FORBIDS IT. We WILL BUY A DRESS! Uh oh. Madras and whalebone, mark my words. I bought a man’s shirt from the man who sells used clothes at the corner of Chelten & Chew. Pink chiffon with balloony sleeves! Indescribably flattering. Tight through the body. I already have a perfect black velvet skirt. Tues. 4 Apr 67 My hand is shaking because I just left a heavy make-out session with Reed Hambro. I want to write about the awful party but the wonderful evening . I got out of the house without a problem because Mom wasn’t there. I showed Aiken all around the house – I could tell by his eyebrows he was confounded by the mixture of splendeurs et misères. I told him it was temporary and showed him my beautiful third floor where I sleep on a mattress on the floor so I can look out the windows but he was unimpressed. Oriental artifacts everywhere but they are shabby. Still he admitted OI looked beautiful. Horrible university party full of pregnant wives. Didn’t like the way they looked at me – decided to drink coke and say nothing. They seemed so doglike and uncomfortable. But I did get into a long discussion with a Prof Wylie who has a system of “personal anarchy” that sounds a lot like my own. He was drunk but funny. He kept saying “What this party needs is a little audience participation.” But everyone had to be on their best behavior because it was more like work. Strange Danish Oldern house with peek-a-boo architecture – how can you climb stairs – in a dress – that are only slats? When we got back to Penn St my mother was there. She said nothing about my clothes but she really gave poor Aiken the business while I made Earl Grey tea. She is the only person I have ever known who can lower the temperature of a room to freezing in seconds. At least she didn’t ask him his intentions. He behaved very well, just as if she was normal. He got her on the subject of Southeast Asia while I roll my eyes. Finally she had to go upstairs to get Avril to sleep. Avril’s afraid of Phila because of all the stabbing news and who can blame her? So Aiken and I were left alone…on the oriental rug in front of the fire. “I wish I could take you back to my place,” he muttered. “Why don’t we do it right here?” I suggested. To be funny. He said seriously, “Because you might bleed and we need some form of birth control.” Let’s go straight to the hospital and do it on a gurney! “I really have to go” he said. We could hear Mom creaking about upstairs. He gave me one last kiss – lifted me up completely! Bliss. When I got upstairs I saw my shirt was all torn and I had to throw it away. But it was definitely worth $9 even for only one evening. Mon 10 Apr 67 Pretty sure the Aiken thing is shot to hell. Called him Sun morning but he had a woman with him! He really made me feel about twelve. Guess it’s finally time to stop waltzing with fire. At least I have a new interest. Trying to deepen my voice for Gertrude; Hamlet rehearsals starting in earnest. Wish I didn’t loathe Stukey (who plays Hamlet) so much. He spits when he declaims! At least Toss Sheffield plays my husband…Toss of the long blond hair. Unfortunately he is knee deep with Beth Donoghue. Coffee & Conversation VERY dull. D. H. Lawrence; “It makes me ill having people constantly stuff my ears with bits of chewed newspaper.” Mon 17 Apr 67 To be or not to be? Chaste, I mean. Casey’s and my sole topic of conversation. Reading The Slender Reed about James K. Polk. I consider him the last president of any note at all. In Eng we are reading John Brown’s Body, which is surprisingly good. Anyone whose “favorite writers” are Emerson, Bret Harte and Melville the way Roach Face’s are is “colordeaf” in the matter of literature. But they’re not as bad as Steinbeck. Asked Reed if I was the first girl he ever kissed and he nodded. Brave to tell the truth! If it was me I’d lie! Tues. 4 Apr 67
My hand is shaking because I just left a heavy make-out session with Reed Hambro. I want to write about the awful party but the wonderful evening . I got out of the house without a problem because Mom wasn’t there. I showed Aiken all around the house – I could tell by his eyebrows he was confounded by the mixture of splendeurs et misères. I told him it was temporary and showed him my beautiful third floor where I sleep on a mattress on the floor so I can look out the windows but he was unimpressed. Oriental artifacts everywhere but they are shabby. Still he admitted OI looked beautiful. Horrible university party full of pregnant wives. Didn’t like the way they looked at me – decided to drink coke and say nothing. They seemed so doglike and uncomfortable. But I did get into a long discussion with a Prof Wylie who has a system of “personal anarchy” that sounds a lot like my own. He was drunk but funny. He kept saying “What this party needs is a little audience participation.” But everyone had to be on their best behavior because it was more like work. Strange Danish Oldern house with peek-a-boo architecture – how can you climb stairs – in a dress – that are only slats? When we got back to Penn St my mother was there. She said nothing about my clothes but she really gave poor Aiken the business while I made Earl Grey tea. She is the only person I have ever known who can lower the temperature of a room to freezing in seconds. At least she didn’t ask him his intentions. He behaved very well, just as if she was normal. He got her on the subject of Southeast Asia while I roll my eyes. Finally she had to go upstairs to get Avril to sleep. Avril’s afraid of Phila because of all the stabbing news and who can blame her? So Aiken and I were left alone…on the oriental rug in front of the fire. “I wish I could take you back to my place,” he muttered. “Why don’t we do it right here?” I suggested. To be funny. He said seriously, “Because you might bleed and we need some form of birth control.” Let’s go straight to the hospital and do it on a gurney! “I really have to go” he said. We could hear Mom creaking about upstairs. He gave me one last kiss – lifted me up completely! Bliss. When I got upstairs I saw my shirt was all torn and I had to throw it away. But it was definitely worth $9 even for only one evening. Mon 10 Apr 67 Pretty sure the Aiken thing is shot to hell. Called him Sun morning but he had a woman with him! He really made me feel about twelve. Guess it’s finally time to stop waltzing with fire. At least I have a new interest. Trying to deepen my voice for Gertrude; Hamlet rehearsals starting in earnest. Wish I didn’t loathe Stukey (who plays Hamlet) so much. He spits when he declaims! At least Toss Sheffield plays my husband…Toss of the long blond hair. Unfortunately he is knee deep with Beth Donoghue. Coffee & Conversation VERY dull. D. H. Lawrence; “It makes me ill having people constantly stuff my ears with bits of chewed newspaper.” Mon 17 Apr 67 To be or not to be? Chaste, I mean. Casey’s and my sole topic of conversation. Reading The Slender Reed about James K. Polk. I consider him the last president of any note at all. In Eng we are reading John Brown’s Body, which is surprisingly good. Anyone whose “favorite writers” are Emerson, Bret Harte and Melville the way Roach Face’s are is “colordeaf” in the matter of literature. But they’re not as bad as Steinbeck. Asked Reed if I was the first girl he ever kissed and he nodded. Brave to tell the truth! If it was me I’d lie! |
Alysse Aallyn
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