8PM Thurs 11 Nov 82
Nancy asked me to keep Shane home tomorrow – she had a hard day with him today – his genital rash really not clearing up. Desitin seems to cope the best. 1 hr of cleaning and I only scraped off the top layer of dirt! Open house at Marycliff College – the type of place that used to suit my fancy – does it still? Very baroque – a robber baron house with green marble fireplaces. The last chatelaine killed herself by crawling painfully into a “slimming” rubber suit – positional asphyxia! Then they filmed a scene from The Amityville Horror there – starring Richard Burton no less – now the Sisters of Mercy are frantically exorcising the place and I get to be a part of it. I was somewhat intimidated by all the 17 year olds with their mothers. Library had no listing for Monica Dickens! And she was a Catholic! Beautiful handmade signs everywhere: “Life is Fragile” & lovely quiet study & prayer rooms. Fr 12 Nov 82 Poor Shane cutting teeth on top of his rash – bad day. Very nervewracking. Silhouette rejected Dishonored Virgin- they don’t care for the abusive husband. Too bad – he’s the funnest part of the book. Still have high hopes for the English – they might think I’m snazzy. Back to my amorphous, powerless, resourceless life! 8 AM – Sat 13 Nov 82 Another sad, restless day. Sore eye from a chipped contact lens – felt bad about not seeing Granma since her stroke so dressed up to go and this is what I get for it. Now I need a new lens and no money to get it with. S fussy and cranky – me & T feeling “separate” – can’t get close. He didn’t get home till 10 – woke me up with lovemaking. Mmmmmmm… Worried about trust issues however. How can you “trust” the other’s reflexes when they are automatically paranoid/hostile/disturbing? I trust his SECOND THOUGHT. Not his automatic self. He has been dreaming lately that I balk or frustrate his efforts – I dream he lets me down! We soldier on while the baby screams. Rocked S to sleep. FINALLY. Speaking of dreams, Lois is very resentful of others “meddling” in her life but her strongest desire is to control the lives of others! Some kind of Freudian thing, presumably. DEFINITELY time to move on, but nowhere to get to. I’m beginning to realize that “constant forward motion” is actually my most impressive talent. I thought it was rough when I had to be strong for the dogs!!! Finishing Koch’s Rose, Where’d you get that Red? Lovely book. Poor S screaming – better give him some Tylenol. 5:30 PM – Sun 14 Nov 82 Feel fragile, like I’m recovering from some long illness. Sitting in front of the TV wtching Two for the Road, a perfectly awful movie I liked way back when I was trying to learn about Life. Finney plays a pig and Audrey plays a “nothing” – pretty depressing. Spent yesterday walking S around the Beaver College campus feeling like a heroine in a sad novel. Seems I do everything late & in the wrong order. Why? Only when looked at through the prism of a disordered society – which I want to find more about. I keep trying to turn into another person but it hasn’t happened for 33 yrs. The problem of my “earning power.” How to fit into the world. I should get some “marketable skill” like audiologist or reading specialist but those aren’t the things I want to study! I want all the most useless subjects like poetry & mysticism. Reading Agatha Christie my usual recipe for shock and thinking abut parental ideologies. They didn’twant to talk about the way the world REALLY WAS but how they wanted me TO THINK IT WAS. In the meantime, evil moves behind the scenes. Sex, rage, adultery, hypocrisy, redemption – my 11 yr old brain goggled at the Strange Old World. It’s what I want to write about and I can’t see how it’s going to make me popular. 11:30 AM Mon 15 Nov 82 Another record in awfulness days. Growing theory of mine that women’s depression sets in when their powerlessness is brought home to them. Men fight for their families, women have to BE their families. Genevieve says not – she and Brett are out in the world both swinging while their children are raised by the least expensive born again Christian they could find. (She’s agnostic, he’s ex-Jewish.) Hmm. My dilemma is I’d rather be poor. Unless somebody wants to buy Dishonored Virgin or Tarnished Vows for at least $5000 which is what it cost to write them! And in the future it would cost more BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO DO IT AGAIN! SO ACTUALLY THEY GUESSED RIGHT – I’M NOT GOING TO BE THEIR LAYER EVEN OF BRASS EGGS. Sitting here worrying about housework because Women’s Work Is Never Done. It starts unraveling immediately. But I’d rather start my new novel scary as that is…Why be afraid of unlocking the soul? Feel like a singer who has been operating in falsetto. Good name for a novel, by the way… Maybe being poor is like being thin, or young. You just feel more intensely what’s around you. Letting my Psych Today sub lapse. Just doesn’t make sense to me anymore. Interestingly, exactly the same emotional/psychological/financial waves are breaking over T’s head. Should feel like a double whammy but in fact it makes things easier. 5PM– wrote 5 p sick with fright. Just forced myself to do it. They’re not any good of course so is that worthwhile? Feels like a skier walking down the hill. Pictures back – S adorable, T handsome, I look like a bloated corpse. The Return of Starr Faithfull. Obviously my idea of hiding till rebirth is a good one. Unwilling to leave the house because I have conceived a phobia of being Yelled At. Accused.
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Thurs 4 Nov 82
Just wrote a $44 QED ad for Moneysworth that will supposedly be seen by 5 million people. I’d settle for 1 million. I have no idea what will happen and I don’t think anyone else does either. Torrents of mail pouring into my “bad publishing experiences query!” Hard to see how I can get a book out of this, though – who would publish it? Still, shows me I’m not alone. We all feel like girls who have been “strung along” by a bunch of married men; i.e. do this work and SOMEDAY… Power thru division & exclusivity seems to be the Great Secret. 45 mins every AM to take S to his playschool at a house T goes RIGHT BY but he’s too busy to stop and insulted that I would expect it. The famous double standard! Women know how to ALLOW OTHERS TO BE FREE – men cannot IMAGINE such a state!!! Lewis asks – would you really want a woman in charge? YUP! If you wanted to see fairness… T. has stopped listening to me. Literally pushes my words forcefully back in my mouth. I think all his pain is self-caused and he doesn’t want to hear it! Do I comply to his wishes because of his pain or his threats? Does it matter? At least the stock market is going up – may get some relief there. Fr 5 Nov 82 Can literally HEAR a page turning in my life! Got a large typing job – tried working on novel first –(Ballantine says it wants “good psychological novels”) Couldn’t. Just like eating a 3 day old salad. So…type first. Last night was a good night for us but still I feel the separations of sexism. Think I have one more “romance” attempt left in me. Poor T struggling with Lois’ weird mythology. Her very hungry ego. Sat 6 Nov 82 What a week it’s been! Now I have a whole day with S ahead of me…Last night T late after driving the workers home – 8:15 – I think L loves making him late. She thinks if she uses a sweet voice no one will notice the pleasure she takes in subduing, humiliating & frustrating others. For dinner I cooked liver & rigatoni & yogurt stroganoff. But he had to go right to Amnesty Int phone-a-thon, said he’d be home by 10 so I could deliver Princeton thesis. Drove myself in a rage leaving Bug alone – when I got back he was here. We’ve been considering buying Dom’s Volkswagen so we’ve been driving it – it broke down! I sat in bathtub he sat on closed john with his head in is hands – we agreed we’re in this together. SOMEONE needs to “stay home” and we need to agree to not punish that person as ‘last through the door.” COOPERATION not COMPETITION. This demand for “pretense” brings out the worst in me and I think I am getting him to see it isn’t helping. We need to make plans & set goals & deadlines. Jane Macdonald called to say her grandson died last night. Horrible searing pain – T & I clutch each other & cry. Making love when L called – T talked to her while I “played through.” 7 Nov 82 Almost 33 years old! Does seem like I should have arrived…somewhere! Applied to Sears for temp work…just in case. But to get the first year of Shane’s life behind us is quite an achievement! I wanted it but it's difficult & exhausting – like first time sex! Enjoying Andrew Greeley’s Death & Beyond. I covet freedom but it certainly does not exclude loneliness. Really makes me want to study theology! Reminds me of discovering the planets & solar system when I was about 5 – that same awestruck sensation of lonely vastness. Exciting too. Yesterday gave up officially on writing the romance. It wants to be a thriller. Period. Told T if I have to do all the childcare we will have no more children. 5:30 PM – perfect happiness – if only I can preserve this joy! Baby & I walked all around Princeton. Didn’t really eat today – only snacked on healthy things. S crawled & climbed – he’s in “gymnastic” mode – so I crawled & climbed with him! M & D sending a little money so I’m ordering a Daytimer. T late again last night! This time he ran out of gas! Called Lois to see where he was got a long story about how Granma used to torture her about Sutton’s schedule – where he was and what he was doing! But Granma didn’t WORK with Sutton! I honestly don’t think L knows what conversation is FOR much less how to do it. Fortunately I’ve learned how to argue with her – don’t answer the sense answer the TONE. Strip those motives bare. Trying to get Shane to rest – no dice. Lambertville, NJ 9:50 AM Tues – 9 Nov 82 Stopping for coffee and checking out the real estate – it’s nice & cheap and closer to PA. Feeling close to V Woolf as I drive towards New Hope on this golden autumn day! Wonderful eve with T last night – great talk. Men expect wives to identify with their aims but we marry with inarticulate aims! Feeling our way! 3:45 PM – took phone off hook I spite of typing jobs – S desperately needs this nap. New resolve: housework ONLY between 6-7! Joan Carnahan has me judging a fiction contest for the Baldwin School – it is pretty discouraging – the authors intrude where they should be absent and are nowhere to be found at the heart of the story! Wish I hadn’t taken this on. Want to send them all cards offering my services but fear it wouldn’t be “professional” – much as they need it!! Uh oh – Shane throwing toys… 27 Oct 82– Meant to go bike riding but S suddenly falls asleep! Oh well. Can fit into yet a new pair of pants! The problem is I have lost all self-confidence. Cleaning our bedroom I was suddenly struck with a delicious thought: this can’t go on forever! T calls to say he’ll be late tonight – had to fix a gate where vandals broke in.
Baby and I read today – he seemed really interested! 28 Oct 82 So jubilant this AM not even rejections can interfere. Feel like all the troubles & traumas of the past few years have been inevitable. Necessary. It’s awful, but we are almost through. Trying to get back into a beauty regimen. T was very taken with the Kabuki aspects of my self-presentation but also started to sabotage them immediately like he can’t help himself. Suddenly wants me to turn into a vigorous outdoorsy LL Bean type. Applied for a Bamberger’s job – just to see. Four hours at a time close by, 20 hrs a week sounds interesting and doable but as I walked in wearing black jacket and skirt I saw myself in s many mirrors looking OLD OLD OLD. Pores huge. Now I’m having delusions that I wrote down the wrong phone no. Oh well. S muttering to himself in his bed but not calling. Yet. He keeps rising up like Dracula. T has date with ex-girlfriend Cindy who’s staying in the city! I THINK I can trust him. Gotta get my house in order. Sat 30 Oct 82 S cranky but not insisting on rescue. Yesterday S & I went to Phila with T just to have something to do. He pointed out ex-girlfriend’s hotel – she invited him up but he didn’t go – they stayed down in the bar. She was fishing for an affair but gave up when she saw he wasn’t interested. I thanked him, he said, “I hope you’d do the same for me.” I told him he can BANK ON IT. Lois’ house not baby-proofed in the least. T frustrated with his mothers constant (and idiotic) rejection of his ideas “That’s not appropriate.” Forced to guess what she might consider “appropriate.” Not a happy task. Takes it out on me as the one “flexible” element. I resolve to “stop struggling” and cultivate the “inner life”. Cheered up reading Conrads Life. He produced great work under worse torture than I have to contend with. Most women report coming close to “breakdown” over caring for first child – I’m just a statistic. Add that to the money situation, carer situation & T’s withdrawal and you get “unbearable.” If I can only make it to Jan… Be kind to myself. Accomplished:
5:50 PM – Mon 1 Nov 82 Bad perm. It’s not helping. Last night another bad party – I am getting to hate them. Thought I could cultivate friends but it turns out I really don’t like the “back and forth” (i.e. give and take.) Let’s say I’m in an “ungiving” stage of my life what with all the giving I do at home (which makes sense to me) while “yielding the floor gracefully at parties DOES NOT. T drove so stupidly on the way home we almost had a wreck. Why let anger take the wheel? Makes no sense to me – the road doesn’t care – you can’t “intimidate” it! Mr. “I’ll never lie to you” flat out said it is my job to pretend I’m happy so he can soldier on. Then they criticize us for being sly doublecrossing whores! NOT enjoying the similarity of my slow disillusion in Marriage #1. But I don’t see a way out, frankly. If I want to raise Shane the way I want to raise him I won’t be the breadwinner –that’s what the editors are telling me. Considerably heartened by Lewis’ Mere Christianity. 12:30 PM – 13 Oct 82
Lying in bed frustrated enraged and sick. Dammit! Good morning shopping for wood stoves with T – buying 7 of them – 5 for the apts & 2 for here – coming up with a future vision of myself poor but chic and swathed in sweaters. Too fluey – came home and had a bowl of hot cereal & went to bed. Had a good idea for a Graham Greenian mystery with feminine twist but I can write it! Mixed identities. Discouraged by genre. Learn to keep that excitement going… 10:45 PM 14 Oct 82 Spent the AM quarrelling with myself until I’m completely exhausted. I know why schizophrenic parents happen – parent invaded by own childhood. (See Life of Robt Lowell.) Feeling faint hope however from talking to a psychologist who offered me work. I hate lack of power combined with increased responsibility. Seth calls to say the bottom has dropped out of Sykes. I just hope when the smoke clears, assets equal debts. We’ve had a good run – we’ll be better off out of the market. What would it mean to put ourselves in God’s hands? Every day a new start. T comes home immediately starts criticizing me for wearing his shirt. I called him on it – he said OK the place looks good too. I’m a little worried about his adoption of his Mom’s theory that an “acceptable” façade is BETTER than the real thing. He doesn’t like that I don’t care what strangers think of me. Shouldn’t even write here – but no matter how much sleep I get it isn’t enough. (S making noises – he sleeps at Nancy’s!) Good dinner with Dom but I drank too much anisette after. Meals go on too long for dieters and that’s for sure. I get bored. At least yesterday I was able to fit into my old jeans & feel sexy again. We discussed – as usual – the Family. Granma’s crazy situation, etc. I think about m novel turning into something else – the mask of horror keeps peeking out. Should I put Bettina away and write the other one or let this one evolve? The hell with forever: I’m going to live my life now and if it means shutting out the world then “I should” waits upon “I must.” I think one needs to “conscientiously dare.” Resolve to confine cleaning to 1-2 hrs a day because IT ISN’T THAT IMPORTANT. 10:15 PM – Fri 15 Oct 82 Fire walking. Paradoxically reading Tamsin’s Olwyn The Witch is making my spirits soar even though everything about it is wrong. I happen t know she has been working on this book for 12 years – definitive proof that sweat alone won’t make things grow. Makes me feel a little less of a nothing. Time is on my side if I can just hold out… Trying to phase out the typing biz. No point making gas money and exhausting my creativity in the process! When I try to transition into editing my advice is rejected. Need to keep looking. I love starting COMPLETELY OVER! Best feeling in the world! Jacobus came this M to give me work and I was too distraught to face him so left a note and took off on my bike. Shane’s yelling…he wouldn’t eat and now he won’t sleep. Too fried to make T dinner and feared his punishing rage but he calmly made himself a sandwich and suggested we don’t pay his insurance so we can afford Christmas cards! Bad idea, I said. There is a “talk gap.” He still talks about getting rich (“buy everything from Brookstone, S will go to private school”) but it seems we have to skimp on the basics. Starting to feel we don’t have the same American dream. Sun 17 Oct 82 Long days with Shane very hard to get through. Yearn for Mon when he’s at playschool in the AM. Shane socked me in the face so hard (by accident) I feared for my vision but it seems to be clearing up. Has also loosened a few of my teeth with his strong skull. Take a couple aspirin and keep going. Asked T if apts will be ready in spring he says no but Lois won’t let us move there anyway. Seems we HAVE to stay here while she makes clear her displeasure about out inadequate tenancy. Weird double bind. I would welcome a fire if it would free us of this murk. Meditation, bowl of soup. Nap. Woman in Lansdale –friend of a friend – sent my MSS back. To others my advice would be: don’t write anything that isn’t 100% of yourself. |
Alysse Aallyn
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