Thurs 4 Nov 82
Just wrote a $44 QED ad for Moneysworth that will supposedly be seen by 5 million people. I’d settle for 1 million. I have no idea what will happen and I don’t think anyone else does either. Torrents of mail pouring into my “bad publishing experiences query!” Hard to see how I can get a book out of this, though – who would publish it? Still, shows me I’m not alone. We all feel like girls who have been “strung along” by a bunch of married men; i.e. do this work and SOMEDAY… Power thru division & exclusivity seems to be the Great Secret. 45 mins every AM to take S to his playschool at a house T goes RIGHT BY but he’s too busy to stop and insulted that I would expect it. The famous double standard! Women know how to ALLOW OTHERS TO BE FREE – men cannot IMAGINE such a state!!! Lewis asks – would you really want a woman in charge? YUP! If you wanted to see fairness… T. has stopped listening to me. Literally pushes my words forcefully back in my mouth. I think all his pain is self-caused and he doesn’t want to hear it! Do I comply to his wishes because of his pain or his threats? Does it matter? At least the stock market is going up – may get some relief there. Fr 5 Nov 82 Can literally HEAR a page turning in my life! Got a large typing job – tried working on novel first –(Ballantine says it wants “good psychological novels”) Couldn’t. Just like eating a 3 day old salad. So…type first. Last night was a good night for us but still I feel the separations of sexism. Think I have one more “romance” attempt left in me. Poor T struggling with Lois’ weird mythology. Her very hungry ego. Sat 6 Nov 82 What a week it’s been! Now I have a whole day with S ahead of me…Last night T late after driving the workers home – 8:15 – I think L loves making him late. She thinks if she uses a sweet voice no one will notice the pleasure she takes in subduing, humiliating & frustrating others. For dinner I cooked liver & rigatoni & yogurt stroganoff. But he had to go right to Amnesty Int phone-a-thon, said he’d be home by 10 so I could deliver Princeton thesis. Drove myself in a rage leaving Bug alone – when I got back he was here. We’ve been considering buying Dom’s Volkswagen so we’ve been driving it – it broke down! I sat in bathtub he sat on closed john with his head in is hands – we agreed we’re in this together. SOMEONE needs to “stay home” and we need to agree to not punish that person as ‘last through the door.” COOPERATION not COMPETITION. This demand for “pretense” brings out the worst in me and I think I am getting him to see it isn’t helping. We need to make plans & set goals & deadlines. Jane Macdonald called to say her grandson died last night. Horrible searing pain – T & I clutch each other & cry. Making love when L called – T talked to her while I “played through.” 7 Nov 82 Almost 33 years old! Does seem like I should have arrived…somewhere! Applied to Sears for temp work…just in case. But to get the first year of Shane’s life behind us is quite an achievement! I wanted it but it's difficult & exhausting – like first time sex! Enjoying Andrew Greeley’s Death & Beyond. I covet freedom but it certainly does not exclude loneliness. Really makes me want to study theology! Reminds me of discovering the planets & solar system when I was about 5 – that same awestruck sensation of lonely vastness. Exciting too. Yesterday gave up officially on writing the romance. It wants to be a thriller. Period. Told T if I have to do all the childcare we will have no more children. 5:30 PM – perfect happiness – if only I can preserve this joy! Baby & I walked all around Princeton. Didn’t really eat today – only snacked on healthy things. S crawled & climbed – he’s in “gymnastic” mode – so I crawled & climbed with him! M & D sending a little money so I’m ordering a Daytimer. T late again last night! This time he ran out of gas! Called Lois to see where he was got a long story about how Granma used to torture her about Sutton’s schedule – where he was and what he was doing! But Granma didn’t WORK with Sutton! I honestly don’t think L knows what conversation is FOR much less how to do it. Fortunately I’ve learned how to argue with her – don’t answer the sense answer the TONE. Strip those motives bare. Trying to get Shane to rest – no dice. Lambertville, NJ 9:50 AM Tues – 9 Nov 82 Stopping for coffee and checking out the real estate – it’s nice & cheap and closer to PA. Feeling close to V Woolf as I drive towards New Hope on this golden autumn day! Wonderful eve with T last night – great talk. Men expect wives to identify with their aims but we marry with inarticulate aims! Feeling our way! 3:45 PM – took phone off hook I spite of typing jobs – S desperately needs this nap. New resolve: housework ONLY between 6-7! Joan Carnahan has me judging a fiction contest for the Baldwin School – it is pretty discouraging – the authors intrude where they should be absent and are nowhere to be found at the heart of the story! Wish I hadn’t taken this on. Want to send them all cards offering my services but fear it wouldn’t be “professional” – much as they need it!! Uh oh – Shane throwing toys…
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Alysse Aallyn
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