Mon 21 Feb 83
More reasons not to diet. Every task undertaken requires immense energy. Beat. But got 9 p of Falsetto. T. slamming around the house angry about pond business. Seems to be my fault he isn’t practicing law. V. Sackville-West’s Dark Island one of the stupidest books ever written. Impressive, even awe inspiring in its stupidity. Yet I can get a copy here, thousands of miles and decades away. 11 PM What a difference sex makes! Don’t think we’ve made love for 10 days then WHAM! T had been complaining about my hair, glasses, expenditures, EVERYTHING – then suddenly rolls me over like a hungry teenager. Glorious! Now he’s reading Mechanic’s Illustrated. Sat 26 Feb 83 My press arrived! We had fun playing with it. After insisting I couldn’t keep it in the house T fell in love with it. We made “Compliment of the Author” cards – they look very snazzy. S fell asleep at 6 and we made love explosively & satisfyingly. I ate with S at 4:30 then had a salad with T later. I WILL overcome. My beloved promised to seek municipal court work in the evenings. Some sensitive part of him afraid to reach for what he wants. T.is my heart. I love him so much. I’m reading Cherry Boone’s Starving for Attention. While eating ice cream. Sun 6 Mar 83 Long weekend with Paul & new girl I’d been dreading boiled down to 4 meals – 2 long walks – enjoyable, really. Went to the movies saw The Verdictin Princeton. Strange dinner with Dom & Lois – her usual inexplicable pools of cool & warm. I just ignore it. I think she wants us to play guessing games about her emotions. Tues 8 Mar 83 Crise de nerfs at the hairdresser’s. Don’t want to be looked at really but I have to be beautiful for T. Don’t belong to myself, really. Studying existential philosophy teaches me what I am is not “depressed”. Alienated. T. very critical – unquestionably in love with me but in his family the closer people get the more desperate the criticism! Self-hared probably. Wonder what we will make of this in 20 years? In 5? I’d like to remodel this man. Give him a complete re-build. Thurs 10 Mar 83 Peaceful before a raging fire. Don’t need to get S for another hour. Discussed “mourning a dream” in class when teacher asked me what I was thinking (to explain the expression on my face.) . Married to a person as weak and needy as I am is what I was really thinking! God may know of the sparrow’s fall but he lets it drop anyway! But I feel healed. A good comparison is between childhood faith & adult faith. First you come to the conclusion that you aren’t worthy. But really you’ve had to adopt the other’s demons. Big shock at first. Fri 11 Mar 83 T rejected me sexually last night TWICE so I was happy to later reject HIM. Grateful to be “angry” instead of hurt he stormed downstairs and cleaned the kitchen! Ran the vacuum till it sounded like cannon fire (sucking up nails) till I went down to protest. I refuse to just ooze non-stop love: I get pissed off too. Reading Greenberg’s beautiful I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. Summers coming – S getting older – hope returns. Sat 12 mar 83 Baking in that inimitable atmosphere of Monica Dickens – indescribable sharp/sour tang - a lovely almost Oriental sadness. All is quicksand – one can never really get started – suddenly it’s over! Time perpetually out of joint. Whereas I am given endless chances. T and I having a very happy weekend – good fight about GC this AM - I agreed not to go this summer but take 3 classes next fall. Spend summer at the farm. Printing my book will probably take all summer. 7 PM Bad dinner party – trying to smile – no confidence. T keeps saying “We’re sitting on a million dollars.” Pretend we have no difficulties. He tells me later it’s “mind over matter.” I tell him I can’t trust Lois and he shouldn’t either – power makes her meaner. He bought $90,000 of the $110,000 purchase price for 1738 and I only see him listed as “half partner.” He acted very shocked though I’m sure I’ve said this before.
0 Comments
|
Alysse Aallyn
Archives
September 2022
Categories |