Princeton Jct Station – Wed 12 Feb 80
Trying hard not to be depressed. Must jockey myself into a blithe, competent mood for seeing my agent but these phone calls with T are awful. He accused me of “punishing” him for being “honest” about my book. I said isn’t he punishing me for being honest about Newport? That’s different! He says he might not “take me back” if I’m going to be a “martyr”. I think he’s afraid of what I’ll say to people and when he catches himself being the bad guy he just gets worse. I cried for an hour. I asked to not speak n the phone any more. Let’s write. He & his family hang on the phones arguing for HOURS. I really can’t afford the bill. Grovers Mill NJ; Thurs.13 Mar 80 Wow! Healed! Wonderful meeting with Liddy. She took care of my feelings, understood the best things about the book – I had been afraid I would have a breakdown right in front of her but it didn’t come to pass. She was interested in T’s coal story too and thinks she can sell it if he writes a proposal. She said we need more plot and gave some intelligent suggestions. Joy! I called T right away and we had an hour’s wonderful conversation he didn’t misinterpret in the least. He said he can leave Tues night! God I love that man. Snow was promised and that’s what it’s doing. T’s mother Lois not coming in this weather. So I can put off vacuuming till tomorrow – otherwise house is ”done”. Queens’ Chapel Rd -15 Mar 80 – Sat If I survived to this point I can survive ANYTHING. Snow melting fast in brilliant sunshine. Will finish the rewrite today and see what Liddy thinks. Thank God for my writing fluency (T thinks its “too easy.”) ANY money would be good – it’s this period of NOTHING that’s so hard. Many plans to convert the smallest room to my study. T called feeling romantic from a restaurant where we’d had a wonderful dinner. But he was with Larry West so he couldn’t talk. (He said all he talked about at dinner was me. Also I have letter from Devon!) Avril arrives home about midnight. (Late shift) 11 PM – 16 Mar 80 What a day! Avril home in an hour and we can have a drink and talk. I was surprised this AM to wake in enough time for Unit service but I enjoyed it thoroughly. Their ”information” desk has a lot of counseling info .Good place to find therapist. Happy drive to MD – no “hallucinations” as I had driving to NJ from KY (those damned tunnels.) Driving Riggs Rd I had the craziest desire to look up Ryder! I remembered he was on Fox St – nobody knew where that was so I had to waste $5 on a map at the 7-11. Of course it was 2 blocks away! Right outside the apt bld there was his car! (Ghee in back seat) . I looked up his number on the mailboxes and knocked on his door! My heart was fluttering like mad but I knew I looked good. And there he was! He’s DYED his hair brown (too many comments on his girlish beauty?) and he was festooned with crosses like he’s scared of vampires. He’s married and his wife (a nurse) was coming in later. Ho ho ho. W had a great talk. I told him the wedding is Sept because I didn’t think he would take it seriously if he knew we haven’t set a date. Wifey looked at me and said “THE Alysse?” Har hard. She is sweet, intelligent and ROUND. So much for his ruthless attacks on my physical imperfections! T. angry that I spent $104 on a tuneup. I was “robbed.” Newport KY - 24 Mar 80 Slicing tomatoes for our dinner. I can get through the next 6 weeks – after all 6 wks ago was Valentine’s Day. Read Portrait of a Marriage for the 3rdtime. The best books are different every time you read them. Reporting on one’s life even more difficult than living it. In 10 mins I can call my angel. Was I lucky to find him! Horrible period – a solid week so far. Staying on the pill till our wedding. Trying to get to the point where I can face the novel again. Oh, to be Edith Wharton and just cast the handwritten pages to the floor for “someone else” to pick up and type! Thu 27 Mar 80 First morning in the garden clutching Letters of Joseph Conrad. I’d like to outline a mystery story – think it would be fun. It would be a gothic: The Bride & the Wolves. T and I “off” temp – I try to bleed the stress out of my life – he deliberately ramps up his. He doesn’t think he’d accomplish anything if he wasn’t suffering and shrieking under pressure. I keep explaining I cant live like that! I think we can relax and be happy and enjoy the moment – don’t have to live for the future. He thinks I’m lazy. He literally screams about money. I’m used to this – my parents were secretive and angry about money – figuring if we ever found out how rich they are we would somehow manage to “spend” it all (which NONE of us did.) T. says he’s spent $24,000 since last June – implication – on ME. It does seem like a lot. I didn’t make that much dancing and I know I’m living more cheaply than I did then. Later on he admitted he’d made a math mistake - $7,000 went to pay margin debt. (Not mine.) Now he’s proposing to buy an expensive raincoat I don’t want. I LIKE thrift shop clothes. I can’t create good work in an atmosphere of hysteria and panic. Marcia Davenport’s Too Strong for Fantasyright on point. 31 mar – MON -80 Thinking in the bathtub about elitism. Dancing separated me from my parents’ world. It didn’t bother me but it bothers EVERYONE else. Avril researching her past with therapist says all her childhood memories are negative! Parents wanted “unthinking docility.” And these were GOOD parents.
0 Comments
|
Alysse Aallyn
Archives
September 2022
Categories |