11PM FRI 4 Apr 69
Not bad. He’s got the body. Poor me, lusting away in the bucket seat of his tiny car. He’s acceptably intelligent, unparanoid, likes my hair. Is he my spring thing? Solid. Not tall. We would fit. He invited me to Skimmer Weekend – mad parties and races. Tried to teach me how to play cribbage but it’s confusing. “Do you don’t you want me to love you? I’m coming down fast but I’m miles above you: (Beatles) Drove through Plumly with Skip to see if it looks better from a sportscar. (Since we were so close anyway.) It looked tawdry & awful: Home for Incurables. Lost my $6 sunglasses at the diner; or somebody stole them. Theft is a tax on the rich, my father says. I must say I’m a difficult, impossible person. He dropped me off at Pewter Hill at 10:00 – marched up to my bedroom to write hard porn. Hungry, hungry, hungry. 1:10 AM Easter Sunday 6 April 69 Downstairs drinking a Tab & Lemon, memorizing audition pieces, but my thoughts are far away. Seems Devon’s rarity has ruined me for other people. Said he would send his address but did NOT. (His last words were: “I’ll never forget you.” Echoing less pleasantly now.) Am I desperate enough to contact his mother? NO. Tried kissing Skip – didn’t work. Sex is out. Alysse, you recalcitrant nun you. He lives in a fustian row house with business majors, engineers & architects. It is a complete disgusting mess all the time in spite of pier glasses and Victorian paneling. The kitchen looks like Vietnam; they have yet to cook one thing without burning it to the pan. They have a toilet that fills the room with flushing waters; above it is a sign “Flush & Run.” “To discourage guests” says Skip. Tomorrow dancing all day, next Sat New York, then the 18th is Skimmer weekend. Then there’s that book you were planning to write Alysse… Trying to read Thomas Merton but he only makes me want to write in my diary MORE. Looks like Skip and I are in for a Plumly-type relationship. He is Beales Redux. He does not like my wispy side curls nor my thumb ring. He asked for a back rub but refused to take off his shirt. He says if we are still seeing each other in two years we’ll be married! What did I eat to bring on these nightmares? I told him he was a medieval fascist and I was afraid to introduce him to my father. Kipseley’s Coffee Shop – 7 April 69 – Mon NOON Isn’t “Guest Check a contradiction in terms? Plus ça change, plus ça reste! A gorgeous spring day. Lovely creatures in caps, moustaches and striped t-shirts are out warming up their Jaguars. I was thinking of buying a record but I think I will renounce he world with Father Merton and window shop around Rittenhouse Square instead. It’s cheaper. Dancing ends May 17. Hoping to be a different person then. As Janis Joplin says, you just have to be that righteous. 12:40 AM 8 Apr 69 So nauseated by something I just read I can’t stand it. Jean Adams (“Teen Forum”) advises against parked cars & stolen kisses. She says if Miss Scranton granted these privileges, boyfriend would be Gone. The only way to keep him is to deny him! My mother totally agrees! Let’s say you marry this guy and then what? Who knows he’s worth having? Puritans! 1:45 AM – The only thing that matters to me is my writing and I don’t seem to give it the right priority! It matters more than dancing or even audition pieces. Anyway I don’t do it. Nobody’s ever going to think I’m a artist unless I think so first. Anxious, unstable, nervous – trouble sleeping - how close to a smashup am I? If I could only relax I feel I could create. 4:13 PM – Wed 9 Apr 69 Bill Green called. I keep putting him off, putting him off. Mom has 2 tickets to The Living Arts for me & Skip – but he doesn’t call! Told Bill I was working on my auditions. Mom asked for my help and I told her I was working. Felt guilty!
0 Comments
11:10 PM Tues 25 Mar 69
Watson not so hard to resist. I recall Devon too well. He said Devon was “surrendering his claim.” I doubt it! Mom put him in Avril’s room and I was completely asleep when he crawled in with me! I just left and went to sleep downstairs only to hear Mom scream when walked in to see her daughter had a red beard. I explained but I’m not sure she believed me. Fortunately Watson left. I think it’s very discouraging when a woman married 25 yrs can have such a simplistic view of sex. God I have got to get out of this house. Unfortunately book is not going well. Concentration is the key. Chestnut & 16th Horn & Hardart 12:50 AM 26 Mar 69 Why do I keep this damn diary. It’s interfering with my personality. Getting mad at Marya Mannes and her Sophisticated Man but nowhere to write about it except here. Had to take a trolley to get our car out of repairs – SPTA strike. Going home to make brandy snaps. Certainly isn’t healthy for a 19 yr old girl to be so totally without sexual outlets. Horrible argument with Mom about “love”. I couldn’t have been in love with Toss because we’re not together now, she says snipily. I know too much to even bring up Devon. Sat 29 Mar 69 It may be the springtime of my life -- I’m avoiding it but mercilessly it pursues me. I run everywhere – schools, stores; write letters, take trains, but what am I left with. Devon is Love but what did it get me? One mediocre poem. Laura and Casey are The Past. I am left alone. Finally, with my imagination. Last night Summerfield slipped into my room and I was Lacey. I imagined it exactly but in the morning when I tried to write it melted away like smoke. Alysse, don’t betray me. I wonder if Devon really knows who I am – I almost think he does. 1 April 69 Good old H & H I descend into the materialistic world. Bought 2 scarves, sunglasses, barrettes and a dress. Where did I get all this money? I’m sure my bank would like to know. What does all this do for me? Simply makes me want more. People divide into at least two categories – am I crawling or walking? Casey is amazed that I don’t care more about my appearance. I do care, I just wan to be comfortable, that’s all. The “put-together look” she’s mistress of – curled eyelashes and silk ascot/leather gloves – falls apart in 20 minutes. I mean, inevitably. This is my first new dress since Sept. Plan to give the rest of my money to the AFSC & LaMama theatre – maybe save enough to buy a woods to run away to. Now that Casey’s gone our differences jump out at me. I didn’t say anything about her values but who am I to lecture? She says I am turning into the cliché of the “absent minded professor” NOT a compliment. Trying not to drift completely into the world of the cerebrum. Skip Kearns called – making five people who have called through that Match thing. He invited me to go kite-flying in Valley Forge. He has a 1967 Austin Healey, blond hair and a brother in the Green Berets. Lives with 5 other boys in a house on 47th St. Told him I’m an anti-war dancer who likes parties. He values logic and goes to UPenn for math – not abhorrent so far. Cancerous thing on my vagina? 11:38 PM Thurs 3 Apr 69 Dr. Braun says the thing on my vagina is a pimple! “Squeeze it in the bathtub!” I had all these other questions to ask him but I am so intimidated by those examination rooms – I think they do that on purpose to make it fast. There’s an old woman in the room and you’re dressed in paper. Spoke to Skip tonight – giving directions on how to find Pewter Hill. Slowly he truth about him emerges: he wears glasses and plays the trumpet. I didn’t have the nerve to ask if he’s fat. He reads science fiction! Not good. I’m very angry at myself for being hopeful about him. Shows an unpleasant level of desperation. 11:10 PM Tues 25 Mar 69
Watson not so hard to resist. I recall Devon too well. He said Devon was “surrendering his claim.” I doubt it! Mom put him in Avril’s room and I was completely asleep when he crawled in with me! I just left and went to sleep downstairs only to hear Mom scream when walked in to see her daughter had a red beard. I explained but I’m not sure she believed me. Fortunately Watson left. I think it’s very discouraging when a woman married 25 yrs can have such a simplistic view of sex. God I have got to get out of this house. Unfortunately book is not going well. Concentration is the key. Chestnut & 16th Horn & Hardart 12:50 AM 26 Mar 69 Why do I keep this damn diary. It’s interfering with my personality. Getting mad at Marya Mannes and her Sophisticated Man but nowhere to write about it except here. Had to take a trolley to get our car out of repairs – SPTA strike. Going home to make brandy snaps. Certainly isn’t healthy for a 19 yr old girl to be so totally without sexual outlets. Horrible argument with Mom about “love”. I couldn’t have been in love with Toss because we’re not together now, she says snipily. I know too much to even bring up Devon. Sat 29 Mar 69 It may be the springtime of my life -- I’m avoiding it but mercilessly it pursues me. I run everywhere – schools, stores; write letters, take trains, but what am I left with. Devon is Love but what did it get me? One mediocre poem. Laura and Casey are The Past. I am left alone. Finally, with my imagination. Last night Summerfield slipped into my room and I was Lacey. I imagined it exactly but in the morning when I tried to write it melted away like smoke. Alysse, don’t betray me. I wonder if Devon really knows who I am – I almost think he does. 1 April 69 Good old H & H I descend into the materialistic world. Bought 2 scarves, sunglasses, barrettes and a dress. Where did I get all this money? I’m sure my bank would like to know. What does all this do for me? Simply makes me want more. People divide into at least two categories – am I crawling or walking? Casey is amazed that I don’t care more about my appearance. I do care, I just wan to be comfortable, that’s all. The “put-together look” she’s mistress of – curled eyelashes and silk ascot/leather gloves – falls apart in 20 minutes. I mean, inevitably. This is my first new dress since Sept. Plan to give the rest of my money to the AFSC & LaMama theatre – maybe save enough to buy a woods to run away to. Now that Casey’s gone our differences jump out at me. I didn’t say anything about her values but who am I to lecture? She says I am turning into the cliché of the “absent minded professor” NOT a compliment. Trying not to drift completely into the world of the cerebrum. Skip Kearns called – making five people who have called through that Match thing. He invited me to go kite-flying in Valley Forge. He has a 1967 Austin Healey, blond hair and a brother in the Green Berets. Lives with 5 other boys in a house on 47th St. Told him I’m an anti-war dancer who likes parties. He values logic and goes to UPenn for math – not abhorrent so far. Cancerous thing on my vagina? 11:38 PM Thurs 3 Apr 69 Dr. Braun says the thing on my vagina is a pimple! “Squeeze it in the bathtub!” I had all these other questions to ask him but I am so intimidated by those examination rooms – I think they do that on purpose to make it fast. There’s an old woman in the room and you’re dressed in paper. Spoke to Skip tonight – giving directions on how to find Pewter Hill. Slowly he truth about him emerges: he wears glasses and plays the trumpet. I didn’t have the nerve to ask if he’s fat. He reads science fiction! Not good. I’m very angry at myself for being hopeful about him. Shows an unpleasant level of desperation. Home – 12:30 AM
Thanking God Devon’s going to Guatemala – or wherever - and I CAN’T follow. Missing him already. Giving up on Champagne. It’s a TERRIBLE story. Financial independence now my main concern. Mon. 17 Mar 69 Every girl using coitus interruptus, even if she has six signed statements from doctors swearing that she’s sterile, wonders what she’d do if she got pregnant. That’s what I think about while doing the dishes. Would I even tell Devon? Well, the coitus was VERY interruptus. Tomorrow I’m going out to Villanova for a date with Rob Fountains whom I met through Operation Match. He sounded nice. 5:30 PM Wed 19 Mar 69 What a depressing day this has been. Up early after sleepless night to take M & D to airport. Came back home and slept for 2 hrs. Couldn’t face dancing class so made lunch for a pair of spinster librarians Mom dragged in out of the cold. “Lost souls” my father says. Peering out of my disordered, confusing and flaming life into their prim emptiness is a strange sensation. One of them – Varghiz? Borghese? Is assembling a book of quotes. Reading Portrait of a Lady. Very soothing. 11:00 am Sat 22 Mar 69 Read Mom, Dad and Zoe Varghiz my good poem and humiliated myself by bursting out sobbing. Dad was embarrassed, Mom wanted to call for a stretcher. Just awful. Tried to explain I’ve been a bit “on edge” but Mom wanted to argue about the metaphors. “How can you be scalded by morning dew?” Laura phoned to say she “lost” her virginity. “Where the hell did I put it?” I told her she “gained” her womanhood. Ripped up latest Lord Noone pages – this gothic writing not so easy. Goddamit. I basically want to rite a 90 p sex scene. Finished James, now we’re on to Richard Feverel. 23 Mar 69 WHO should call but Tom Watson!!! Devon gave him my number!! He’s coming to visit tomorrow. So annoying… 11:10 PM Tues 25 Mar 69 Watson not so hard to resist. I recall Devon too well. He said Devon was “surrendering his claim.” I doubt it! Mom put him in Avril’s room and I was completely asleep when he crawled in with me! I just left and went to sleep downstairs only to hear Mom scream when walked in to see her daughter had a red beard. I explained but I’m not sure she believed me. Fortunately Watson left. I think it’s very discouraging when a woman married 25 yrs can have such a simplistic view of sex. God I have got to get out of this house. Unfortunately book is not going well. Concentration is the key. Chestnut & 16th Horn & Hardart 12:50 AM 26 Mar 69 Why do I keep this damn diary. It’s interfering with my personality. Getting mad at Marya Mannes and her Sophisticated Man but nowhere to write about it except here. Had to take a trolley to get our car out of repairs – SPTA strike. Going home to make brandy snaps. Certainly isn’t healthy for a 19 yr old girl to be so totally without sexual outlets. Horrible argument with Mom about “love”. I couldn’t have been in love with Toss because we’re not together now, she says snipily. I know too much to even bring up Devon. 10 Mar 69 – Lisle Hall
On Devon’s bed AGAIN – feeling like I’ve never left – slugging down tea & aspirin. Deathly ill. How come I was in the pink of health with Mick and sick as a dog with Devon? Life itself is a form of masochism. I was afraid my sore throat came from smoking grass with Mick in the gondolas but no –I have some sort of bug. (Mick wanted to smoke the peace pipe on agreeing to just be friends.) Didn’t need to call Devon from the station – got a ride with Amherstians. Right to Lisle Hall. Able to tiptoe upstairs and right into Devon’s bed. Aaah. Devon said, “I was so afraid you wouldn’t come. I’ve been so lonely.” Now he’s refusing to kiss me because I’m poisoned. He’s right of course, but I despise his self-control. He’ll be back in an hour. Trying not to be jealous. (Remember how jealous I was with Toss? And he loved it.) Maybe a long hot shower will clear this head but there’s someone in the hall (I can hear them out there dropping money.) “face facts… we’re nuts and easy to crack let me straighten out your head without each other baby we’re dead…” (Jesse Colin Young) 12 Mar Wed 69 Bullshitting in Watson’s room (I think his first name is Tom.) That’s what they call it. Red headed, red bearded jovial boy. Watson’s flirting but his pants are the wrong size. I’m thinking of holding Devon entire in my arms, like a lightly sprung shell. Whole and entire. I can hold everything of him. He could slaloming those hips around a gate while I’m cradling them in mine… Now if only he’d get naked… A girl has to be pretty inept if she can’t de-pants the average American boy. Coitus interruptus, that time-honored tradition. 13 Mar Thurs 69 Took a walk with Watson who got me lost on purpose – when I got to Lisle Hall I was freezing. Devon eating doughnuts with Ricardo, so worried, so angry with Watson, who made things worse by suggesting we all have sex. Devon – deeply shocked – said no. I saw him looking at me as if this whole thing was my fault. Funny how he doesn’t care about money – just gave Tom $45. So different from Toss whom I used to annoy by telling him he’d be a bank president someday. Where Toss was clinical Devon is emotional… 14 Mar Fri 69 What a great night, good God! We were completely naked – long shivering shudders of passion – he was completely mine. Words fail me so I wrote a poem. “How Did You Meet?” “Wasn’t it great,” said Devon, “The way we were standing there arguing and the minute we got into bed…” Yes. It was great. Devon teased me about how when I came up for Winter Carnival I thought I was going to have to room with “some gum-chewing Bennington freshman.” “I can’t imagine you at Bennington,” he said thoughtfully. Devon and I were lying on his bed reading when who should walk in but two of hi old girlfriends from Green Mt Junior College… Physical love must bring hidden stores of energy. We snapped to attention and gave them the rest of the doughnuts. They were not happy to see me, but I haven’t much to fear from them. Traveling two by two defeats their purpose. |
Alysse Aallyn
Archives
September 2022
Categories |