Sat 16 Apr 77
Told R no more phone conversations. They are not good for me. (He told me he cannot “allow” me to go to a male gyno!!! Just evil.) He countered, What if I need you? And I just started shivering. His seeming “tenderness” while he makes his attacks fools my brain (and heart) but not my body. I said let’s give it a month. Please. See what happens. I didn’t want to say why I’m trying so hard to live without him – but it’s because he makes me feel impotent. Pretty sure he hasn’t guessed. So I can still hold up my head a little bit. But he’ll figure it out fast if this goes on. He asked can he break the silence if he can’t bear it? I said yes. He wrote down the date of the reunion and that was it. Trying to read a disgusting student novel for Chloe – called her needing reassurance I don’t have to read the whole thing. It is AWFUL. Sex among art students. Bad sex, bad art. Out with Keith I got contact dislodged and started muttering about the fact that makeup and contacts don’t mix. I said to him, “You don’t wear much makeup do you?’ He said, “Just some base and a little color.” Funny. Mon 18 Apr 77 Feel like I’m recovering from some awful disease. The slightest effort depletes me. Thinking about Keith; I don’t want a relationship without sex. It’s the staff of life. Going without is like dieting - attending parties where you watch everyone else partake. But I don’t want to have sex with him, and I don’t want a relationship that’s only sex, which appears to be what’s on offer from the attaché of Trinidad-Tobago. He invited me to the International Hotel for dinner – turned out to be in his room!! Room service! No thank you! I said. He says, “Nobody thinks anything of it on the “Continent” (which is ridiculous.) He is married, used a false name, please. I said No thank you. He had the grace to apologize mightily, take me to my favorite restaurant L’Escargot, and gave me a case of bitters from the trunk of his car ! How “break up” with Keith when we are not an item? I guess I just have to start turning him down. Chloe sicced some horrible poet on me who wants me to read her memoir. I don’t think I like the “literary life”. Tues 19 Apr 77 Forcing myself not to call R. Starting to suffer sexually. Gotta have something. But I don’t want to see what lies beneath Keith’s suit. Wed 20 Apr 77 Beginning the novel AGAIN in accordance with my latest idea. Reading Shelley at work. Chloe’s latest find, Erika is lesbian poet with a fetish for black girls. She picks them up at clubs. Kicks them out without breakfast. Ryder called. He doesn’t want to wait until the twenty-second because he will be in Boston for a job interview! I was polite but distant, listening to his tales of “growth”. Said he’s been “comforting” his friend Sherry who sounds like a poor wretch. I know I was supposed to get jealous but she sounded sexually unborn; “No one has ever really “touched” her. I know I was supposed to ask if he’d assumed the job. Refused. Did get kind of excited about Boston, however, telling him how wonderful it is. Bliss to shed all of this and just start over. 23 Apr 77 Mason and Avril borrowing $500 from Dad so they can move to Calif! Sounds definite. I’m sad. Don’t think he’s good for her but in my experience there’s only one way to find that out. If she goes I inherit a quantity of very nice furniture (including cute little rolltop desk.) Got 3 free bottles of wine from Amis des Vins so invited Shoulders over to celebrate. He is beautiful but has far too roving an eye for my comfort. (The Master of One Night Stands.) I need to rely on knowing where my next sexual/emotional meal is coming from. Or you can blame my compulsive need to be worshipped. Broadcast Agency – Wash DC – 21 Apr 77 4:55PM Peaceful job bordering on narcosis. Sitting in my own little office, feet up on windowsill till something happens – staff places most of their calls themselves. Switching over to newer system means my recently acquired talents soon will be obsolete and I am so backward in my thinking that this is just fine with me as long as they leave me alone for now. Reading more Woolf; her interesting artist/critic fusion. Avril called asking about R: Am I kicking and screaming sufficiently against my fate? No. I want him to show his real self to me in all its horror so I know where I am. Seems like he is good at saying he loves me and wants me when I am not around. No use to me. I demand constant growth & rebirth and he doesn’t like that. So, not a healthy state of affairs. Endless diet of vegetables & yogurt, yogurt & vegetables. To think I used to believe “being published” made all the difference! Instead, screaming madness is just a shot away. How can you trust anyone who doesn’t know who they are (much less care who you are!) Walk myself to exhaustion at night through darkened Chevy Chase, remembering the old days when A. & I used to slip into people’s pools. Ah youth. Bus – 12:25 PM Fri 22 Apr 77 Hot day, dreamy and content. Secaire at 40,000 words coming along just fine. Reading Rosalind Ashe’s Moths. 100 degrees out.
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2 April 77
Crisis at work sending my first cablegram to France – Keith showed up looking extremely handsome. Terrible suspicions novel is bad. Gave Divina a hysterectomy to please Nicky. Not sure it works. Then off to splendiferous bash – literary party. Met Chuck Kornowitz, Susan Shreve’s editor from Athenaeum. Acted interested in my work – where can we have dinner? Took him to the Serbian Crown. He is NOT interested in my work he is interested in me. Damn. Told me the most erotic encounter he has ever had was with a stranger in an elevator! Feels sex with complete strangers has not yet been fully explored!!! Not by me that’s for sure. He drove me home, insisted on walking dogs with me, holding my hand! Weird but I don’t want to turn him off entirely. (He’s old and ugly - looks like a Gila monster.) Fighting the impulse to call R and yell at him. Boy am I sick. Poor Keith does not know I need him for a rabies shot. Against hair of the dog? Fri. 8 Apr 77 Agency offers me over-time while files are reorganized. More cash. We celebrate A‘s new job as fake nurse at urology office. She has to buy a nursing uniform so patients won’t know. (Doctor not willing to pay over minimum wage.) Still, it looks classy. Went to Black Tahiti where I had sweet & sour shrimp. Turns out I need to stay away from booze because called You Know Who came right over and we indulged in mad passionate sex all night long. R was delicate and gentle – brought me to the edge several times before finally pushing me off cliff. The showoff. Talked about me like he’d read my work. (Praising it. Thought I’d be pleased.) Then told me he’d “busy” this weekend. Steeerike three! Tragically I need a guardian, conservator AND a bodyguard. (Keith doesn’t have the build.) Chloe apologized for bad writing workshop with dinner after at Armand’s. My advice to writers – learn what kind of writer you need to be and get on with it. Found myself getting defensive about Devlyn – if I don’t want to write “that way” again it must mean there was “something wrong” with it!!! Bad advice from Ted Hughes : “When you find yourself using someone else’s voice, stop at once.” Nothing ventured nothing gained under that theory. This is not making me eager to hit the “literary events” as Chloe advised. The “noise” interferes with my work. Hostile questioning from Mom and Dad who don’t know why I don’t move closer to Devon!!! All this “playing the field” is cheapening my brand. Reading Mrs. Starr Lives Alone. Sat 9 Apr 77 Mason & A moving out. I wash and de-flea dogs – take them for a long run. Check Rolfe books out of library to incorporate into Father Vespula’s act. Supposed to see Black Sunday w/Keith tonight. I like Robt Shaw and there’s nothing else around. Had a chance to sell Bruce’s stereo for $100 so jumped at it. Sun 10 Apr Terrifying evening with Keith. We were at Gallagher’s (ran into Shoulders & Garrett & Opal.) Keith invited me to go to NJ conference with him! I am not willing to step from “dating” to “involved”. I have to face ugly truth I’m dating him to make myself feel better about an abusive ex boyfriend who refuses to become an ex (because I keep inviting him back in.) Behind each mask is another mask. Shoulders said I can store “anything” in his basement if I want to take off for the summer (that would be nice.) Read Voices in an Empty Room by Phil Lorraine – just TERRIBLE. Every bad book sets me back another month. Received copy of Plumly Alumni Directory in mail. Reed dies in a climbing accident! He wasn’t wearing climbing shoes! He was always purposely careless. Challenging God I think. But it is very sad. Toss Sheffield “my bloodmate” is unmarried! Woo hoo! Wrote a poem about it. Met an attaché of the Trinidad-Tobago embassy at the library. He invited me to dinner. I said yes. Do I really need “big scenes” in Secaire? Can’t I use “psychic brushes?” Fear it’s a non-commercial mishmash. I want it to be unique – but they don’t like that. R. says I’m a beginner who is trying to take control. Probably true. Despising myself for wanting to tell him I’ve decided to take up dancing again. I don’t owe him anything. He wants me to make a big glamorous financial splash WITHOUT writing genre, taking money from Mom or Dad or dancing!!! Who’s the beginner trying to take control? 11 Mar 77
Sent home 3:30 because B’Nai B’rith under siege by terrorists (3 blocks away). Police will tell us when to come back. Real estate agent leads inspector thru house. Bad letter from my agent telling me not to try to sell “old” stuff, write in “new” vein – but she means “like Devlyn”. No more historicals for me!!!! Got to get out of this stalemated “love” relationship – when I tax R with things he’s said, he claims he “doesn’t remember” so we never advance and I feel diminished. Had to tell him sex is over – I can see he doesn’t believe me. Must ask for his key back, that should do it. Dragged A protesting to Freaky Friday – it was worth it. Barbara Harris Chaplinesque. Told Broadcast I will work only one full day per week – must go back to dancing. Read Ellen Glasgow’s The Woman Within. Trying to rewrite Secaire in third person. Not working. Dreaming about houses with deep, cool porches but tax people giving me only $112. A crying over Mason’s “hideous brutality” but she won’t break up with him. Ugh. (Feel my relationship mirrored.) 13 Mar 77 Made love with R for what I hope was last time (he brought lubricant.) His body no longer a key to mine. Think I’m started on Secaire Final Draft. God I hope so. R will sulk for a while, then we’ll “talk”. Prayed for the first time, to the “life source”. Pray away panic and disorder, pray for clarity, purity, calm. Beautiful long walk. Heat like July. Storm burst 4:30. Coffee, orange slices, do my nails. Reread Great Gatsby, pitying Fitzgerald the while. Someone should write this novel from Daisy’s point of view. Exciting way to get back into Courtney – but I don’t want to put it in the ‘20’s. Told R I’m dating so had to invite Keith to All Night Strut – he was pleased. Says he’s not hung up on men paying for everything. 17 Mar 77 Everyone fussing about Scenes from a Marriage. It is excellent. Reading good bio Dorothy Thompson. Novel going swimmingly – suddenly feel fearless. Sex scene perfect. Why elaborate? Why elucidate? Need to be out of this house June 1 – can do, but should I return to dancing or take summer off? Undecided. Incorporeal now Mon. 21 Mar 77 Wish I hadn’t called Ryder but I did. He was very injured by my sex comments. I said I was very injured by the sex. (He says he fears me.) Goddamit feel like turning in my phone if this is how I am going to behave. Watched Upstairs Downstairs, Monty Python. Felt better. All Night Strut amusing – Keith invited me to Voyage of the Damned. (He pronounces it Dam – NED. In a class by himself after all?) Unfortunately not feeling the chemistry. Trying to take what pleasure I can in high heels and see through blouses. Could we just date? Secaire solid, beautiful, disturbing. Avril says its very exciting. Found a shack in Virginia for $200/month. But maybe I have to flee this state to eradicate R from my soul. 23 Mar 77 Voyage classically awful. Majestically, stupendously awful. Bad date. I talked too much. Goddamit dating’s awful. Like those endless “teas” we suffered through in Girl Scouts. Sex is less work (not that I indulged. He has a repellently gooey corpus.) He took me to Alfio’s for dinner! Scene of R’s & my first date! Couldn’t resist telling him I used to dance at Shalimar next door. Keith invited me to his house in Potomac. I said nix. Dumped on doorstep with closed mouth kiss. Shudders of relief. Walked in on Mason in a rage over my “betrayal” of Ryder!! I said he’s dating other people. Mason said but he loves you! I didn’t say his love is a septic condition. (Because Mason’s love is also a septic condition. Poor Avril.) Happily to bed with Becker’s Escape from Evil. |
Alysse Aallyn
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