2 April 77
Crisis at work sending my first cablegram to France – Keith showed up looking extremely handsome. Terrible suspicions novel is bad. Gave Divina a hysterectomy to please Nicky. Not sure it works. Then off to splendiferous bash – literary party. Met Chuck Kornowitz, Susan Shreve’s editor from Athenaeum. Acted interested in my work – where can we have dinner? Took him to the Serbian Crown. He is NOT interested in my work he is interested in me. Damn. Told me the most erotic encounter he has ever had was with a stranger in an elevator! Feels sex with complete strangers has not yet been fully explored!!! Not by me that’s for sure. He drove me home, insisted on walking dogs with me, holding my hand! Weird but I don’t want to turn him off entirely. (He’s old and ugly - looks like a Gila monster.) Fighting the impulse to call R and yell at him. Boy am I sick. Poor Keith does not know I need him for a rabies shot. Against hair of the dog? Fri. 8 Apr 77 Agency offers me over-time while files are reorganized. More cash. We celebrate A‘s new job as fake nurse at urology office. She has to buy a nursing uniform so patients won’t know. (Doctor not willing to pay over minimum wage.) Still, it looks classy. Went to Black Tahiti where I had sweet & sour shrimp. Turns out I need to stay away from booze because called You Know Who came right over and we indulged in mad passionate sex all night long. R was delicate and gentle – brought me to the edge several times before finally pushing me off cliff. The showoff. Talked about me like he’d read my work. (Praising it. Thought I’d be pleased.) Then told me he’d “busy” this weekend. Steeerike three! Tragically I need a guardian, conservator AND a bodyguard. (Keith doesn’t have the build.) Chloe apologized for bad writing workshop with dinner after at Armand’s. My advice to writers – learn what kind of writer you need to be and get on with it. Found myself getting defensive about Devlyn – if I don’t want to write “that way” again it must mean there was “something wrong” with it!!! Bad advice from Ted Hughes : “When you find yourself using someone else’s voice, stop at once.” Nothing ventured nothing gained under that theory. This is not making me eager to hit the “literary events” as Chloe advised. The “noise” interferes with my work. Hostile questioning from Mom and Dad who don’t know why I don’t move closer to Devon!!! All this “playing the field” is cheapening my brand. Reading Mrs. Starr Lives Alone. Sat 9 Apr 77 Mason & A moving out. I wash and de-flea dogs – take them for a long run. Check Rolfe books out of library to incorporate into Father Vespula’s act. Supposed to see Black Sunday w/Keith tonight. I like Robt Shaw and there’s nothing else around. Had a chance to sell Bruce’s stereo for $100 so jumped at it. Sun 10 Apr Terrifying evening with Keith. We were at Gallagher’s (ran into Shoulders & Garrett & Opal.) Keith invited me to go to NJ conference with him! I am not willing to step from “dating” to “involved”. I have to face ugly truth I’m dating him to make myself feel better about an abusive ex boyfriend who refuses to become an ex (because I keep inviting him back in.) Behind each mask is another mask. Shoulders said I can store “anything” in his basement if I want to take off for the summer (that would be nice.) Read Voices in an Empty Room by Phil Lorraine – just TERRIBLE. Every bad book sets me back another month. Received copy of Plumly Alumni Directory in mail. Reed dies in a climbing accident! He wasn’t wearing climbing shoes! He was always purposely careless. Challenging God I think. But it is very sad. Toss Sheffield “my bloodmate” is unmarried! Woo hoo! Wrote a poem about it. Met an attaché of the Trinidad-Tobago embassy at the library. He invited me to dinner. I said yes. Do I really need “big scenes” in Secaire? Can’t I use “psychic brushes?” Fear it’s a non-commercial mishmash. I want it to be unique – but they don’t like that. R. says I’m a beginner who is trying to take control. Probably true. Despising myself for wanting to tell him I’ve decided to take up dancing again. I don’t owe him anything. He wants me to make a big glamorous financial splash WITHOUT writing genre, taking money from Mom or Dad or dancing!!! Who’s the beginner trying to take control?
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Alysse Aallyn
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