8 JAN 81
I wake up early to study – making love luxuriously with T when he says “Could you tolerate coitus interruptus for once? I have to call my broker.” I rush into class 20 mins late to administer my own exam. Kids not punished for that – what they ARE punished for is me being their teacher – graded by the one supervisor who dislikes me. She flunks all my doubtfuls and Maria who should have gotten by. Requesting retest for Maria. Long argument over dinner about language requirements in schools. He says I am “hostile” to his ideas. I say women are supposed to empathize & sympathize and HE doesn’t do that to MY ideas so why not say what I really think? Tis evolves into criticism that I expect him to pay for my education. Take out student loans. He can’t borrow on margin for me. I say I’m paying with the money Mom & Dad gave me, feeling he really wants me to see that I’m not actually “making” money (incontestable.) Now he is rattling dishes angrily downstairs – his turn to wash them. 13 JAN 81 Off to Phila where T will request variance so he can have law office in his mother’s house. Says this will make him feel better and I am all for it. Lois shows off a property she is longing to develop into an Italianate palace for herself. Warns me to SAY NOTHING about it – she is always worried people are gossiping about her. Came home to crisis – frozen water pipe dumps water into living room. T takes a steak knife to the hall ceiling to see where the backup is and finds it. Afraid my class is right and novel is hopeless and can never be shown to anyone: I wrote it “too fast” for it to be any good. 7 yrs bad, 3 months worse. Depression. 18 Sun Jan 81 Up early to take Granma to Quaker Meeting. Very boring. Elder from my first wedding came up and spoke to me – I didn’t recognize her! It was Grandmother Day – spent the afternoon with Mother Louise who forgets who everyone is after 20 mins. Eve long ecstatic phone gossip with Avril. Mon 19 Jan 81 Jam packed day – filed grades at Guilders, Financial Aid lecture at Fordham then drinks at World Trade Center with T & Old roommate. Tues depressing orientation at Fordham – can’t get “life experience” credits till you have 20 Fordham credits! Decided to apply for guaranteed student loan – T will be happy. Considering Study Abroad in Eng! After I get pregnant that’s no longer possible. Letter from Book Forum asking me to come in – they might have something for me to do! That would be the first thing I haven’t had to claw for – its welcome. Set up apt for next Wed. Bad thriller by Stanton Forbes & good one by Anne Morice.
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6 Dec 80-
Lying I bed with a glass of vermouth while Toss in long underwear plays on the floor with Weasel. Soon he’ll take a shower – then delicious sex. A wasted day – cooking, housework, letters – making social engagements over Xmas. T read my story Kisses in the Dark though and liked it. Made love last night after movie It’s My Turn (not very good) partially clothed on the living room floor! I prefer the bed! 9:30 PM 8 Dec 80 Lying in bed with a beer – there is no wine – feeling very bad tempered. Fordham very dissatisfied with Chevenix transcript – they need some sort of “evaluation.” Oh, the horror. Rough time today Christmas shopping. T thinks its an insult to buy inexpensive presents – he wants to follow the rich people’s “codes” on the other hand we’re broke! Conundrum. The bar exam’s the end of Feb. Can we make it till then? 1 Jan 81 Resolution; keep better track of my life in this diary but wish I had a better life to keep track of. Particularly grim holidays while Lois repeatedly attacked Ricardo in front of everyone – everyone afraid to intervene because she’ll attack THEM (my ideas called “foolish” and “romantic.”) I tried teasing her by accusing her of “escort beating” while Ricardo murmurs from the corner of the room “I forgive her - She’s been so hurt.” Guess what? Lois has no sense of humor. This is my landlady. She wants to rent the Little House at highest dollar – since that’s where our washer/dryer is we need a washer/dryer here. No. Just no. She’s a weird one. When I suggested taking down a mirror so blotchy you can’t see yourself in it (it needs to be resilvered) she burst into tears and T attacked ME. She said she was willing however to rebind the first editions - I had to point out that destroys their Value! So there’s nothing I can say. My job is to clean (and then be criticized for it.) Toss has taken over cleaning the silver because I can’t be bothered to do it “properly”. To NYC for preview of Frankenstein – awful – we missed dinner because our train stalled in snow. Playwright overly wedded to novel – death after ludicrous death – not even rescued by special effects. Off to empty little bar Vintages for late supper ruined by Seth who teases T mercilessly. It’s the apparent goal of this family to get a scapegoat and ride them to death. Starting to see why Sutton got the hell out – who would stick around for this abuse? Ricardo, it seems. And Lois doesn’t respect him one bit for it. Avril wants to open a bar in Hallowell called “So’s The Governor’s Sister.” Funny. Boring New Year’s Eve party in Merion – I had high hopes (they were all psychiatrists) but all they talked about was heating bills. Got rid of Seth & Susie 4 pm – pizza and wine dinner – delicious lovemaking. Read The Poet– most poems shockingly bad – but there was one poet I liked – Katherine Hanley – so I wrote her a fan letter. On the good side: almost finished Pinch of Death. T. is my soul – so good & calm & not provoked at all by S who raged against L. Ugh. Exams next week. Read and was bored to shriek point by Trent’s Last Case. 4 Jan 81 Weather so cold it’s hard to breathe. T’s Reed roommate to dinner – watched Murder Once Removed over chestnuts roasted in the hibachi & 2 bots white wine. Struggling with Life & Letters of John Galsworthy. 5 Jan 81 To Princeton to do laundry. Bought life of Dorothy Kilgallen and have been glued to it all day. Wretched woman. Hypnotic erosion of all her values. T. confides out checking acct down to $200. Fortunately I’m expecting $120 this week. NJ Bar prep starts 12th– not soon enough for me. 6 Jan 81 Taught my class for the last time. I hate review – it’s hell. Sweating so hard I was afraid to lift my arms. Maria asked good questions – James said he didn’t know anything about writing before – now he does. Had to rush to the Whitney to meet T & Sutton. Met Sutton’s new flame, widow Pansy Burke – seems nice. She does drop a lot of names. Sutton dislikes Hopper. W had an uproarious dinner at The Palms – nothing “mignon” about my filet – it weighed at least 11 lbs. Wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t at it. Then brandy at Dom’s. Get into Princeton 3 AM and our car won’t start. Wrecker (“Mother’s Recovery”) comes at 3;45. Sleep till 1 then have to rush to catch the 3:05. Did a good story in Writer’s class. I am despised for my “upbeat ending” – feel mistaken for Aurelia Plath: “Keep a song in your heart.” Prof says there are NO happy endings in Great Literature? I say what abou Shakespeare’s comedies. He says comedy is not drama by definition. I say what about Jane Austen? Hi face tells me what he thinks of HER. On the train home I reflect on the mysteries of talent. At least 4 in class VERY talented – what will become of us? Possibly: nothing. I have an idea for a feminist lit mag when I get home; tell T. If we want to BE published we must publish others. My title is “The Feathered Violin” his is “The Burning Bush.” Sun 9 Nov 80
Thrashed it out and fell into each other’s arms. One must insist on justice but not too much. Love requires acceptance and we both are suffering. He envies me having someplace to go and I wish SOMEONE ELSE was going there! I have to give up this 50/50 thing – our definitions are just too different. If you want it done your way you really have to do it yourself. He applied for a job in Princeton – relief. Hope he gets it. Still reeling from nightmarish election results. T. telling me I threw my vote (for Anderson) away. Vet Day 11 Nov 80 Toss out sleeping in his study. Poor man. He promised he wouldn’t but the next 2 weeks will be a nightmare for him so I hate waking him. The house is at last tidy which is something that’s frustrated me for a long time. I think I talked T into my plan to paint the wicker furniture dark blue. We can use my study as the baby’s room for the first year. Just finished Sackville-West’s Challenge– the whole course of the Violet Vita affair laid out there. 15 Nov 80 – 4:30 Toss and Lois’ boyfriend Ricardo roofing the barn – but it’s getting dark and they’ll have to be in soon. My nerves are snapping with exciting revelation about my writing. Cut my teeth on other people’s writing – sharpened my tools – now its time to do my own thing. A bit frustrating that my Fict class so stuck in Stage 1. 17 Nov 80 Bad times for us worser and worser. Intense nostalgia for my dancing days washes over me – makes me feel alienated from my own body! Part of the “psychology” of “giving it up” to get pregnant I know. Need to find a dance class for fatties. T. and I had a terrible argument about child pornography – he says acts can be censored, ideas never. I totally disagree! One bad idea leads to another one – you have to cut SOME of them – bad social ones – off at the pass. They’re taking up brain space you could use to think other thoughts – it becomes a race to the bottom. He said I was trying to “control” him which surprised me. Doesn’t he try to change MY thinking? Ae we trying to control – or influence each other? Fri. 21 Nov 80 T read my diary – said, “I want to save you from this ogre but it’s me.” I said I have to write what I think is happening and how I feel about it! He thinks I DON’T – why aren’t I controlling my own thoughts the way I recommend others do? I say I’m trying. But we have to figure out what reality is first and if you’re a writer you REALLY do. I found and read him some good parts where he’s the hero! Really enjoying Fat is a Feminist Issue. I’ve definitely been eating my anger! 1 Dec 80 Easier holiday than usual for everyone except Avril. She’s gained weight during the scary move, then the frightening job search then the threatening days of a new job surrounded by traumatized women. “I don’t even want to THINK of anyone touching me now,” she says. I get it! I am contemplating swelling up to blimp size on purpose! Will my husband still love me? Will the honeymoon be over forever or will I be able to get back to normal? Stay tuned. I lend her Fat is a Feminist Issue which I think is a big help but she never likes those books as much as I do. Thought of a good ending for Pinch of Death. Hate myself for compromising all the way along trying to get Fic class to like me. |
Alysse Aallyn
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