Sun 9 Nov 80
Thrashed it out and fell into each other’s arms. One must insist on justice but not too much. Love requires acceptance and we both are suffering. He envies me having someplace to go and I wish SOMEONE ELSE was going there! I have to give up this 50/50 thing – our definitions are just too different. If you want it done your way you really have to do it yourself. He applied for a job in Princeton – relief. Hope he gets it. Still reeling from nightmarish election results. T. telling me I threw my vote (for Anderson) away. Vet Day 11 Nov 80 Toss out sleeping in his study. Poor man. He promised he wouldn’t but the next 2 weeks will be a nightmare for him so I hate waking him. The house is at last tidy which is something that’s frustrated me for a long time. I think I talked T into my plan to paint the wicker furniture dark blue. We can use my study as the baby’s room for the first year. Just finished Sackville-West’s Challenge– the whole course of the Violet Vita affair laid out there. 15 Nov 80 – 4:30 Toss and Lois’ boyfriend Ricardo roofing the barn – but it’s getting dark and they’ll have to be in soon. My nerves are snapping with exciting revelation about my writing. Cut my teeth on other people’s writing – sharpened my tools – now its time to do my own thing. A bit frustrating that my Fict class so stuck in Stage 1. 17 Nov 80 Bad times for us worser and worser. Intense nostalgia for my dancing days washes over me – makes me feel alienated from my own body! Part of the “psychology” of “giving it up” to get pregnant I know. Need to find a dance class for fatties. T. and I had a terrible argument about child pornography – he says acts can be censored, ideas never. I totally disagree! One bad idea leads to another one – you have to cut SOME of them – bad social ones – off at the pass. They’re taking up brain space you could use to think other thoughts – it becomes a race to the bottom. He said I was trying to “control” him which surprised me. Doesn’t he try to change MY thinking? Ae we trying to control – or influence each other? Fri. 21 Nov 80 T read my diary – said, “I want to save you from this ogre but it’s me.” I said I have to write what I think is happening and how I feel about it! He thinks I DON’T – why aren’t I controlling my own thoughts the way I recommend others do? I say I’m trying. But we have to figure out what reality is first and if you’re a writer you REALLY do. I found and read him some good parts where he’s the hero! Really enjoying Fat is a Feminist Issue. I’ve definitely been eating my anger! 1 Dec 80 Easier holiday than usual for everyone except Avril. She’s gained weight during the scary move, then the frightening job search then the threatening days of a new job surrounded by traumatized women. “I don’t even want to THINK of anyone touching me now,” she says. I get it! I am contemplating swelling up to blimp size on purpose! Will my husband still love me? Will the honeymoon be over forever or will I be able to get back to normal? Stay tuned. I lend her Fat is a Feminist Issue which I think is a big help but she never likes those books as much as I do. Thought of a good ending for Pinch of Death. Hate myself for compromising all the way along trying to get Fic class to like me.
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Alysse Aallyn
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