Mon 17 Jan 83
Irritated resentful & crabby. Everything at Marycliff boded well at first – Philosophy class looks rewarding – Intro to Psych slow & dull but there’s no way around if this is my major. Have to listen to ridiculousness about letting people express their anger – when has reinforcing hostility ever worked It isn’t working for poor Ricardo who needs to tell Lois off. She’s especially savage because he won’t fight back. Chased out of the laundry room by a crabby old nun – went to the senior dorm and talked the door watcher into letting me do a load. What can it hurt? Stood in line at the bookstore but had to leave without my book because time to pick up the Bug. He insisted on stories in the car - 1:30 PM when we got home and he wouldn’t nap. My Beloved Angel home at 3:30 so I had an adult to talk to ! Bug went to sleep 5:30 PM. Reading a HORRIBLE book called Mind Over Weight that says if you just relax and accept yourself you’ll become thin! What sense does THAT make? I guess we were all “meant” to be the same size and we keep interfering with that by being “different." All we have to do is stop! How about problems with the whole idea of “perfection” which seems to be a constantly moving goalpost anyway. How about thinking of oneself being “enviably thin” as incredibly threatening? Sacrifice and giving up your freedom ALWAYS hurts, period. If I just relaxed and accepted myself I’d have TWO glasses of wine with Dan Rather (maybe 3.) Frustration makes me hungry. Makes me gnash my teeth. Have discovered the most delicious zucchini pizza. For the most part things between me & T are better than ever. Save my arguments for my philosophy prof who shudders when he sees me coming. Tues 18 Jan 83 Tackling my last typing job – yet another client who lied to me about how much work was required. Out of sequence – confusingly written – had to type one page twice. Took phone off hook – hot bath – lunch at 10:30 AM! Then took a nap! Who the hell cares what time it is? T critical of my poetry book operation every chance he gets – he’s only limited by his disorganization and procrastination. I feel I am VERY MUCH on the path toward being the person I want to be. At least I have what I most value in life: contemplative privacy. Imagine if I’d gotten that Bamberger’s job!! Bibliography then I’m done. Fri 21 Jan 83 Sitting up in my study abuzz with joy & love of life. Yes it happened – DONE with typing! Car conflicts this am so I regretfully cut Phil class which I will NEVER do again unless weather excruciating. Amnesty day = HEAVEN – drove Bug to the sitter then bath while finishing Glendinning’s Edith Sitwell. Superb. Next: Wallace Stevens. 1,000 words – great fun – on Tamsin’s novel The Color of Love all of which takes place in Ireland which I know NOTHING about! Only quit so early because I want to wallow in T’s presence. 22 Jan 83 Still hypnotized by the spell of Dorothy Eden’s Afternoon Walk. You have to admire someone who gets her effects so simply. This template could be applied to endless other stories. Pity there’s no such excitement in Color, only the usual jealousy and miscommunication. Ho hum. Weird day with mysterious churning beneath the surface. Inability to diet. 3 bowls of veg soup at lunch hardly a binge but very strange. Contraindicated. Baby trying to nap because he’ll be up late tonight at dinner party. Muttered sang & threw his bottle. Now he’s silent & so am I. Wed 26 Jan 83 Goddamit had to stop my food journal. Too anxiety-producing. Does this have something to do with Color? I think it might. A lot of eating in that book. And in my life pizza, wine, tuna casserole. Crackers. Ugh. Cooking should not be part of my life right now. How to arrange for a smooth & constant flow of power? Enjoyed Brownstein’s On Becoming a Heroine but it’s a big vague. How do these things gt published? Can’t help but assume she’s the editor’s friend. Her choices too arbitrary. Where’s Trollope, Yonge, Mrs Henry Wood? Fri 28 Jan 83 The things I’m discovering!! Writers in Love by Benet. Comparing KM to Woolf. Woolf feels more “human” in spite of KM’s “sinning”. And - Exactly WHY is academia bad for writers? I found out! Discourages passion and individuality! Yesterday rice with vinegar for lunch. Mmmmmm… Then the worst happened – T home at 8:30 when he said 6 – I ate too much (alone) at 8. I will try harder like Queen Victoria. He’s not even coming to dinner tonight. So grapefruit & cream of wheat. Exercise? Turns out I LOATHE skipping rope. So take a walk after class like a good girl – once around the lake. Mon 31 Jan 83 Last night vast depression. Thinking about it in the car it’s my 3 lives – must bring them into some harmonious whole. No drinking – it wastes the evening. House is filthy & confused but I shirk the prospect of sorting it out. Blaming leads to more pain Driscoll arrives…class begins.
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11 AM 6 Jan 83
T came home depressed from the law library yesterday. He agreed to take Jan DeFres case suing Exxon but they will just keep the case open forever till he gives up. He feels he hasn’t “given NJ a try” yet. It seems we can’t “save” each other. Just trying to increase my own strength to the extent that I can give him some. Clear the decks of backlogged work like Mr. Bellwoar’s Mistress (HG Wells.) Re-read James’ Spoils of Poynton yesterday – he is so much greater than his critics. James writes about nothing less than Victorianism itself – its best & worst. Wonderful main character a conduit for evil who sees the self as a formed rather than forming entity leading to malformation of vision & moral sense. Fri 7 Jan 83 Feeling better – my cold improved – ordered $130 of clothes including red linen jacket and low backed voile dress. Now to the $130 of typing to pay for the clothes… 11 AM Mon 10 Jan 83 Reading Whoever Said Life was Fair by Sarah Cohen, she says ne of the most dangerous things a marriage partner can do is try to halt the other’s growth. T makes scenes & I survive them. Inviting him to “play” with my binder last night invites explosive screaming that I didn’t ask him to design the cover. (That’s when he’s not screaming about how overworked he is or how little I do.) I just stare at him and tell him to “lighten up” which invites more screaming. He seemed to be escalating in a desire to get me to scream back but I don’t think it’s good for S so I went for a long refreshing walk. When I got back he told me “never do that again” and I said I have to leave when he pollutes the house with his displays. I often wonder what he expects to achieve by his behavior but I think this is what his mother did (and still does) and he doesn’t know how else to get it out of his system. I’m sorry he doesn’t look at marriage as an “achievement arena.” Falsetto seems to be turning into the tale of a woman married to a monster! Why not make him the Lord of the Underworld? Must reread Devil on Lammas Night. Tues 11 Jan 83 This has been the most awful week. Mom operated on for breast cancer but parents playing it down as “no big deal.” They are doing everything medicine requires. Don’t really know how to respond when they dismiss it so fast. They want me to dismiss it too. How does Mom really feel? But she won’t talk to us with D. so we are all false & fake & reassuring. Everything’s fine! I’ve got to get out of the typing racket completely. Infuriating not to be able to get to my novel when it’s bubbling in my mind. I need a routine that BUILDS my STRENGTH not depletes it. Last Sun night dinner with Granma completely frustrating – she considers herself a “philanthropist” but seems unable to talk about serious things. Keeps offering us old furniture that would make escape even more unlikely. She is frustrated, feeling she’s “providing” and nobody’s thankful. She is renting a room in her house to a pair of Ethiopian princes attending Haverford and is irritated that they don’t seem to know how to lay fires – the students in her house have always cut & fetched wood and these are amazed to be asked to do anything. Didn’t know they were supposed to be grateful to her liberalism. She has decided to leave her house to Haverford as long as she can live in it and Haverford “takes care” of the outside. T. tells me privately they won’t do a thing – plus her lawyer’s on the Haverford board and it’s a clear conflict of interest to solicit gifts from his clients! My novel makes me grateful for the things T DOESN’T do to me! Infidelity & physical abuse are at least off the table! I think T’s rages don’t affect me as much as Daddy’s did. From 3-6 today I was so tired I felt DEAD. Irritating modern novels describe everything from the camera’s eye – no one thinking or feeling. “Blandizing.” 6 PM S finally asleep after yelling & yelling. When he doesn’t want to be held there’s nothing we can do. I type Peter Hone’s wretched vandalism thesis between bouts. I think about women coming up against brick walls – our reaction is to “remake” ourselves over and over. Katharine Mansfield was on her fourth incarnation when she was cut off, Sylvia Plath played Russian Roulette and lost, Alice James gave up entirely. Isak Dinesen and Katherine Anne Porter succeeded. The power of a long life. (OhMyGod that baby is making noise. I can’t believe it. It’s like Rasputin. It’s magical & remorseless but a toddler’s favorite word DOES become “no” just like the books tell you. S. sobbing “don’t say no to me…” All the disapproving voices say, “You’re not doing this RIGHT” T agrees with them unfortunately. Now is the moment for me to unlock my REAL creativity. One escape hatch: art. Like a toddler, T is the king of “no.” In the worst irony of my life I am waiting for him to get around to it, to study it, to complete it, to take the initiative, to follow through. Awful. Severest test I’ve ever had. Coming into this marriage I thought I was embracing more freedoms – but they all turned into restrictions. But I take heart from my rapid learning curve. The only way to educate my husband is to educate myself – even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Have to act free when I don’t feel it. Sat 15 Jan 83 Reading about problem drinking my anxiety level very high. Too easy to take the “magic sip?" That means suddenly we’re relaxing and having a good time. No more sitting in front of the news with a glass of wine talking to Dan Rather like he’s my friend. Worried abut drinking, dieting, eating, etc. Waiting for S to zonk so I can get this typing out of the way. 16 Jan 83 A very good day. Tamsin Sylvester called from London to give me $500 to furbish up her romance! Ghostwriting! There’s some creativity but I bet it’s more like editing knowing the way she goes on and on. 10:30 AM Sat 4 Dec 82
My 33rd birthday! Last night T “healed” me. He was his old self –flexible, warm, imaginative, generous so that every problem there had ever been between us just melted away. The BEST birthday gift. “You shall be one flesh” and presto! I told him I don’t understand MYSELF what I’m going through! He likes my poem. I’ going to pull through. Reread as far as I’ve gotten on Falsetto. It’s intriguing. I see lots of possibilities. 1 PM Dec 5 -82 The “healing” holds. Feel like I will never have to suffer that peculiar loneliness again. The next child’s babyhood will be dramatically different if only because Shane will be there. He was so much fun this morning, wanting to play with me rather than his toys, slobbering over my glasses and standing on my book. M & D sent Isak Dinesen biog for my birthday it is WONDERFUL! Reading it in a state of exaltation. She lost “everything” but gained “the world!” Of course she wasn’t “happy” THAT would DEFINITELY have been too much to ask. I am way ahead on all counts. Want to read everything else I can find about her. As soon as baby awakes we ride into town for tampons & baby oil – I hear him. 12:30 PM TUES 6 DEC 82 Feeling blue at my desk as I shift from “inner” to “outer” tasks – preparing an agency mailing. Ugh. St Theresa has to drag the sword out of her breast and go answer the door. Rough life for us introverts. Poor T says, “I’m sure when you get hooked up with an organization you’ll feel better!” We each KNOW it “should” be that way but we can’t get ourselves there. Taking S into Phila today – gives Me & T time to talk & something new for me & S to do – play by the river. Reading Wickes The Inner World of Childhood– it is a help. I got this book from Granma (who hadn’t read it. She’s too “busy”. No one reads but me.) I think my problem’s “cowardice”. T yelling trying to give me a sense of responsibility without any actual power. I have to confront that. His mother always tries to play “offense” – works for her. 1:10 PM – NOT going to Phila! Called L to say I was coming and she responded in such a flustered, hostile way I had to let her off the “hook” she seemed to put herself on! Similar to my response to her visits here! We all suffer from the same sickness I’m afraid. T. says he’ll come home early – I said that was fine! Thurs 9 Dec 82 Last night T wasn’t early but he was on time for dinner and that was good enough. We talked while dinner cooked, which meant his long litany of complaints about Why Developing Property isn’t easier (hint: Everyone’s Against You.). Under the hypnosis of L’s reasoning he doesn’t understand that resentment is the poison that kills. I got T to see we can’t talk this way around S – he has to see us SOLVING problems not COMPLAINING about them! Luckily this made sense to him – focus on how things aren’t what they “should” be is DISEMPOWERING. T said he hadn’t felt his parents’ hypocrisy till he was 17. Having been a witness I was able to disprove that and then he remembered. He saw his father skewered between his mother’s incinerating rage and her sulky silky manner. We sat down after dinner to work on our “life plan.” Mine is 2nd baby in ’84 (last if it’s a girl) part time job 85, Masters 86, full time in the “psychotherapy of poetry” in 1990. Meanwhile having fun with my press! T promised to finish his “life plan” tonight – wanted to take pix of me for Xmas card instead, I was drunk enough to comply. T’s “complaints” about me – Bad Mother, Beggar, Slob – seem to melt away when You Know Who isn’t around. Thinking of putting a rape in Falsetto. Dare I? Short & sharp. Have to accept that misery & terror can be conduit to God. I refuse to feel the worthlessness life seems to demand of me – God won’t allow me to feel it. Sun 2 Jan 83 A new diary! A new year! I interrupt the backbreaking labor of vacuuming pine needles out of the rug to make my first entry. I got a triple Perry Mason that has been getting me through, plus Christmas cash paying the most desperate bills. Grocery bill is the consistent biggie but T admits I’m very thrifty. Having to fight the urge to run upstairs & reread Dorothy Thompson’s life – anyone’s life but mine! Every dirty broken corner of this house makes me want to flee…Can’t spare any $ from the exchequer for remodeling a house we don’t own! Lois latest plan “in lieu of salary” is that we should take her old car so she can buy a new one; offended when T declined. Hey, she would recover the seats! No hot water last night - was afraid they’d tuned off the gas but it wasn’t that, fortunately. If I want a happy married life with my husband I’m going to have to take this craziness down a few pegs. T has taken to saying jokingly to me around other people: “Lighten up!” Yeah, I’M the problem! Ha ha ha! Not laughing hilariously enough! In private of course he’s completely different. “Raggedy man” beset by feminazis. “I could earn my own living without my mother when I was 23,” he says sadly. Not much to laugh about there! I stress our freedom: we can go anywhere! No. He says he is stuck. Cleaning up trash in my study found the Ballantine report – feeling a certain nostalgia for the hope that sustained me through the romance novels. In the mean time struggling with a rape scene that’s awful any way you parse it. 2:45PM 4 Jan Tues 83 This is the time of day I want to collapse and I’ve still got everything ahead of me. Unfortunately. Now is when I really feel the lack of a supportive person to confide in. Trying to get anything out of T produces bare cupboards & hostility. His ego is under too much assault to help me any. I’ve tried and tried to persuade him to see a marriage counselor – I’m convinced ANYONE would say you can’t keep doing what you HATE – which is what I say – but he says no. Marycliff College to look forward to. Took a long trip yesterday to Hopewell junk shop to buy china – soothing & relaxing but didn’t solve anything. Inspired by Published in Paris. |
Alysse Aallyn
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