11 AM 6 Jan 83
T came home depressed from the law library yesterday. He agreed to take Jan DeFres case suing Exxon but they will just keep the case open forever till he gives up. He feels he hasn’t “given NJ a try” yet. It seems we can’t “save” each other. Just trying to increase my own strength to the extent that I can give him some. Clear the decks of backlogged work like Mr. Bellwoar’s Mistress (HG Wells.) Re-read James’ Spoils of Poynton yesterday – he is so much greater than his critics. James writes about nothing less than Victorianism itself – its best & worst. Wonderful main character a conduit for evil who sees the self as a formed rather than forming entity leading to malformation of vision & moral sense. Fri 7 Jan 83 Feeling better – my cold improved – ordered $130 of clothes including red linen jacket and low backed voile dress. Now to the $130 of typing to pay for the clothes… 11 AM Mon 10 Jan 83 Reading Whoever Said Life was Fair by Sarah Cohen, she says ne of the most dangerous things a marriage partner can do is try to halt the other’s growth. T makes scenes & I survive them. Inviting him to “play” with my binder last night invites explosive screaming that I didn’t ask him to design the cover. (That’s when he’s not screaming about how overworked he is or how little I do.) I just stare at him and tell him to “lighten up” which invites more screaming. He seemed to be escalating in a desire to get me to scream back but I don’t think it’s good for S so I went for a long refreshing walk. When I got back he told me “never do that again” and I said I have to leave when he pollutes the house with his displays. I often wonder what he expects to achieve by his behavior but I think this is what his mother did (and still does) and he doesn’t know how else to get it out of his system. I’m sorry he doesn’t look at marriage as an “achievement arena.” Falsetto seems to be turning into the tale of a woman married to a monster! Why not make him the Lord of the Underworld? Must reread Devil on Lammas Night. Tues 11 Jan 83 This has been the most awful week. Mom operated on for breast cancer but parents playing it down as “no big deal.” They are doing everything medicine requires. Don’t really know how to respond when they dismiss it so fast. They want me to dismiss it too. How does Mom really feel? But she won’t talk to us with D. so we are all false & fake & reassuring. Everything’s fine! I’ve got to get out of the typing racket completely. Infuriating not to be able to get to my novel when it’s bubbling in my mind. I need a routine that BUILDS my STRENGTH not depletes it. Last Sun night dinner with Granma completely frustrating – she considers herself a “philanthropist” but seems unable to talk about serious things. Keeps offering us old furniture that would make escape even more unlikely. She is frustrated, feeling she’s “providing” and nobody’s thankful. She is renting a room in her house to a pair of Ethiopian princes attending Haverford and is irritated that they don’t seem to know how to lay fires – the students in her house have always cut & fetched wood and these are amazed to be asked to do anything. Didn’t know they were supposed to be grateful to her liberalism. She has decided to leave her house to Haverford as long as she can live in it and Haverford “takes care” of the outside. T. tells me privately they won’t do a thing – plus her lawyer’s on the Haverford board and it’s a clear conflict of interest to solicit gifts from his clients! My novel makes me grateful for the things T DOESN’T do to me! Infidelity & physical abuse are at least off the table! I think T’s rages don’t affect me as much as Daddy’s did. From 3-6 today I was so tired I felt DEAD. Irritating modern novels describe everything from the camera’s eye – no one thinking or feeling. “Blandizing.” 6 PM S finally asleep after yelling & yelling. When he doesn’t want to be held there’s nothing we can do. I type Peter Hone’s wretched vandalism thesis between bouts. I think about women coming up against brick walls – our reaction is to “remake” ourselves over and over. Katharine Mansfield was on her fourth incarnation when she was cut off, Sylvia Plath played Russian Roulette and lost, Alice James gave up entirely. Isak Dinesen and Katherine Anne Porter succeeded. The power of a long life. (OhMyGod that baby is making noise. I can’t believe it. It’s like Rasputin. It’s magical & remorseless but a toddler’s favorite word DOES become “no” just like the books tell you. S. sobbing “don’t say no to me…” All the disapproving voices say, “You’re not doing this RIGHT” T agrees with them unfortunately. Now is the moment for me to unlock my REAL creativity. One escape hatch: art. Like a toddler, T is the king of “no.” In the worst irony of my life I am waiting for him to get around to it, to study it, to complete it, to take the initiative, to follow through. Awful. Severest test I’ve ever had. Coming into this marriage I thought I was embracing more freedoms – but they all turned into restrictions. But I take heart from my rapid learning curve. The only way to educate my husband is to educate myself – even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Have to act free when I don’t feel it. Sat 15 Jan 83 Reading about problem drinking my anxiety level very high. Too easy to take the “magic sip?" That means suddenly we’re relaxing and having a good time. No more sitting in front of the news with a glass of wine talking to Dan Rather like he’s my friend. Worried abut drinking, dieting, eating, etc. Waiting for S to zonk so I can get this typing out of the way. 16 Jan 83 A very good day. Tamsin Sylvester called from London to give me $500 to furbish up her romance! Ghostwriting! There’s some creativity but I bet it’s more like editing knowing the way she goes on and on.
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Alysse Aallyn
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