Sat 19 July 80
Housework not finished – unfortunately. We have a guest interrupting my dreaming hours – Ghislaine -elderly cousin of T’s whom I politely asked to be my matron of honor takes it as an invitation to move in. Fortunately she sleeps late. Horror stories about how her husband beats her – she used to flee her home to sleep in the church. They’re divorced thank God. Have to wash Weasel AGAIN – she tangled with a skunk and is stiff and pink from tomato juice. Toss leaves Mon for 5 days in KY studying with Boone Macafee. In 5 days alone can’t I get 75 pages? We’ll see. 9:15 PM – 21 July 80 Light spatter of rain can’t break the heat – still in the high 90’s though it’s dark outside. Perfect half-moon burns a hole though the cloud cover. Strange gunpowder noises could be thunder or carnival a mile away. Dixie very worked up. Inside myself I grapple. Reading theology a help. I feel people come into the world not blank but as coded entities. Trying to figure out the code. Reading Rosamond Lehmann – Swan in the Eve & short stories sends me into a Woolf frenzy. My psyche knows the vitamin it needs. Can’t write so I address wedding announcements – it’s like a dinner party – the more you can do in advance the better. 9:30 PM – 23 July 80 Excellent days I’ve had. Wise waiting to write till things fall into place inside. Thoroughly enjoyed (and mostly agreed with) Garr Wills’ Bare Ruined Choirs. Shouted & cheered my way thru the sex chapters. He was good, too on the Jesus freaks. It hit me – here’s my Secaire. It’s my religious novel. I was dumb, I was slow but feel I’ve got it. Up most of the night reading Greeley’s Making of the Pope 1978– NOT an edifying story. We are all made in each other’s image. Housework. Avril’s train 10:30. Barnacle – Shadow Is ME – 11:30 AM – Mon 28 July 80 Argument with Avril – can M & D change She is hostile to the idea: don’t EVEN TRY!!! But last night at dinner I pointed out how Mom interrupts – won’t let us get a word out – she was flabbergasted!! Completely unaware of it. And it goes against her philosophy etc. So there’s a change. Genevieve did give me some support. Agreed Plumly made a mockery of religion for the students (which M & D did NOT want to hear). Merrill very threatening and formidable – will not allow her schedule with Baby Barney to be interrupted. PERIOD. Whew! When I asked what time I could come to the Periwinkle and make coffee she said NEVER. Barnacle needs hotplate! Merrill NOT a good ad for pregnancy – her body looks collapsed like a beanbag chair. I have to remind myself – this is were all the gins & tons are tending. Genevieve on the other hand looking particularly gorgeous – very challenging about my desire to go to Fordham; says “It’s CATHOLIC” the way you’d say “It’s fascist.” Wish I could have explained my emotional feeling that mysticism is “beyond all that.” Barnacle – midnight July 30-31 – 80 Talked to my sweetie and he read me some mail. Cindy thanks me for my note but “can’t face” the wedding. What did I say? Can’t remember. He had a good day on his exams - felt excited and competent. Feeling utterly unprepared for tomorrow’s NJ exam. Finished Jean Love’s VW – Sources of Madness & Art which I adored – can’t wait for the next vol. Esp interesting to read it “in the bosom of family” so to speak. Love points out family members development is complementary to all others’ (family mem) development. Mom & Dad less “challenging” this time – they must be starting to think this wedding will really come off.
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Sat 12 July 80 – Grover’s Mill
A week since Val’s funeral. Toss made me buy horrible clothes – I thought since it was all his and his family’s affair I’d give him his head – results shocking. Khaki, stripes, constricting belts: Yuck! So much for his “You have no taste Alysse.” Now we know what he thinks taste is: BEIGE. Comfort not only NOT a consideration, It’s an affront - to the universe apparently. Never again. Saw Val in her coffin – touched her rock-hard chest, her frozen face. Nothing more shocking than a dead person – it’s like any object. God. Finished wedding invites, immediately invaded by terror. Why? Wish the wedding was tomorrow – wish I was pregnant – Is it because now I have to write? Probably. Other people don’t seek out electric jolts. Invaded by hunger which I tried to ignore by biking to PO. While I rode, I thought. Sun 13 July 80 5:35 Finished sewing pearls on my wedding veil. A peaceful activity. Yesterday Seth (T’s bro) and fiancé Sue to dinner. Talk about Lois who is struggling to write a “You deserve it” letter to Sutton. Found pix to show of Sutton & Lois’ courting phase. Even when he’s smiling down at her (1949) he’s holding his body in an attitude of withdrawal. They married 2 months before Toss’ birth! But Lois looks happy. When he failed to respond up to what she considered his romantic potential she began the punishments, the denigration, and when he turned away she acted so shocked! Her power, her charm, her luck – rushed out of her like air from a punctured balloon. What did she expect! “He’s so awful he doesn’t deserve to leave me?” Where’s THAT work? Doesn’t even work with kids! They flee at the first opportunity! She received all God’s gifts – except…the one everybody wants. It’s more like a curse. 16 July 80 – 11:30 PM Retire with the rum, hot milk & honey I promised myself – this will do more for my headache than aspirin. Been stupid all day. Wrote a few pages on Prisoner– hope it goes better when I get to Labarraz. Tried unsuccessfully to read Straub’s Ghost Story. How can something so coarse-fibred be so praised? Someday we’ll look back on him the way we look back on Ms Humphrey Ward. Clueless in Paradise. Avril called – Daddy gets a million and a quarter from Corning or $55,000 year for the next 30 years. Says he hopes we won’t mind if he “squanders” it. Inzar kids get a million each. I admit it –I’m jealous. What would I do with it? Philos degree from Fordham? 11:AM – 3 July 80- StormFall Farm
Toss’s father Sutton’s third wife Val died suddenly yesterday morning at 2:30 AM. T. was on the phone with his father about 11 PM when Sutton suddenly said – “there’s something wrong with Val.” And dropped the phone. When he came back on he said they were calling Rescue. Toss and I jumped into the car and drove up arriving at the hospital where they said, “She expired.” Like a library card! Couldn’t understand at first. She was 46! Back at Sutton’s house he was cold and grey still in a state of shock; “They couldn’t start her heart.” No one knew she had anything wrong with her heart! I don’t know who suggested birth control pills as the culprit - or smoking? She had decided to break her diet for a dish of ice cream and that was it. T Is with his father, I should be washing my hair; instead I write a poem I can’t share but like better than anything since Alyssum. At this rate I’ll have a vol in 20 yrs! I woke to die From the darkness Into which we’re poured I woke; To die; like Gravebait screamed About in dreams; Soul’s sheath scorned Me, threw me Off Strangling in the cough The lava ran from groin to brain My very bones were rearranged. On my heart’s arc They carve their names The clones enraged By Passion’s claim; Tunneling up My sinews unashamed. Scars remain For philosophical discussion: Life? Or simulacrum? For still I live; condition unknown Owed not to chemistry; Nor to moan. Whose corpse is this? Am I not she? Her grimace Not a bit like me. In darkness see the Mirror people move Left to right And speak their love. But why exchange My glitter for their grief? Assent; Ascend; My mercury’s released. Sutton’s Place Everybody crying, Sutton on the phone with his sister Cressida, Granma’s plane just landing, Dom will be here within the hour. Minister came over to lead prayer service –did quite well –we discussed immortality & warmed to each other – I was stupid enough to say I’d written a poem – he said I could read it at the service Uh oh. Better come up with something. 4pm 4 July 80 I most mind the separation from Toss; our “togetherness” and “affront” to his father’s loss. But it gives me more time for writing. I come up with this: She Died Young The whirlwind starts Without me – I am sucked I am scuttled like a leaf. I loose your hands My words come fire the Blood bursts forth Push push push Into that darkness From which we all were poured comes What? What Fierce sonnets? What unicorn, what Madrigal? God commands us push and Push and Then relax. In the torpor the Bees bud into butterflies The trees devour Their own roots. My lips Become ceremonies My hips Are burial grounds. We push and Silence rushes in to bear me up Collapse my burdens in A house of cards I soar; I flirt My strength is limitless My life my soul An infinite Caress Today was the worst day – no, yesterday was pretty bad too. Long ordeal of preparing food and sitting around waiting for somebody to eat it. Awful. Toss keeps trying to take away jobs his poor father really wants to do – everyone wants the man to sit there stunned and feel his loss. Subtle struggle for power between Lew’s brother Avery & Toss. Toss wants to do everything and he’s physically angry with other people’s efforts; locking his jaw, snapping his head and waving his fists. This makes ME angry! Current thinking is its “good” to let your anger out but since anger is infectious this is a stupid idea. I’m sure Toss is angry because he was raised by a really angry woman. Reminds me of my father’s anger – my mother’s response was to drift away, humming. It’s impossible to love a really angry person – anger is a rejection. Granma doesn’t help – tries to goad people into activities; sorting, cleaning fussing projects; busywork. Really annoying. We contemplatives get short shrift around her. |
Alysse Aallyn
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