Sat 12 July 80 – Grover’s Mill
A week since Val’s funeral. Toss made me buy horrible clothes – I thought since it was all his and his family’s affair I’d give him his head – results shocking. Khaki, stripes, constricting belts: Yuck! So much for his “You have no taste Alysse.” Now we know what he thinks taste is: BEIGE. Comfort not only NOT a consideration, It’s an affront - to the universe apparently. Never again. Saw Val in her coffin – touched her rock-hard chest, her frozen face. Nothing more shocking than a dead person – it’s like any object. God. Finished wedding invites, immediately invaded by terror. Why? Wish the wedding was tomorrow – wish I was pregnant – Is it because now I have to write? Probably. Other people don’t seek out electric jolts. Invaded by hunger which I tried to ignore by biking to PO. While I rode, I thought. Sun 13 July 80 5:35 Finished sewing pearls on my wedding veil. A peaceful activity. Yesterday Seth (T’s bro) and fiancé Sue to dinner. Talk about Lois who is struggling to write a “You deserve it” letter to Sutton. Found pix to show of Sutton & Lois’ courting phase. Even when he’s smiling down at her (1949) he’s holding his body in an attitude of withdrawal. They married 2 months before Toss’ birth! But Lois looks happy. When he failed to respond up to what she considered his romantic potential she began the punishments, the denigration, and when he turned away she acted so shocked! Her power, her charm, her luck – rushed out of her like air from a punctured balloon. What did she expect! “He’s so awful he doesn’t deserve to leave me?” Where’s THAT work? Doesn’t even work with kids! They flee at the first opportunity! She received all God’s gifts – except…the one everybody wants. It’s more like a curse. 16 July 80 – 11:30 PM Retire with the rum, hot milk & honey I promised myself – this will do more for my headache than aspirin. Been stupid all day. Wrote a few pages on Prisoner– hope it goes better when I get to Labarraz. Tried unsuccessfully to read Straub’s Ghost Story. How can something so coarse-fibred be so praised? Someday we’ll look back on him the way we look back on Ms Humphrey Ward. Clueless in Paradise. Avril called – Daddy gets a million and a quarter from Corning or $55,000 year for the next 30 years. Says he hopes we won’t mind if he “squanders” it. Inzar kids get a million each. I admit it –I’m jealous. What would I do with it? Philos degree from Fordham?
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Alysse Aallyn
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