Mon 11:30 AM – 18 Feb 80
Wonderful weekend in Horse Cave with our soon-to-be minister, T’s friend. Came home to discover T’s grandmother Louise (whose house we will be living in) had a stroke in her nursing home. They are looking for blood in spinal tap but it seems her speech is returning. (She is 88 and very frail.) Hope this doesn’t cast a pall over our cork-popping evening with friends. A cup of leek & spinach soup then walk to library. 20 Feb 80 Feeling crazy – in potentially the worst distress of my life. T says he can’t leave before Ap 15 – Granma changing the date of her party – I get the creepy notion T doesn’t care how I feel as long as I get my work done and shut up about it. Last night – after 2 nights of dinner parties – he invited people over – I said I’d be upstairs. Couldn’t see anyone. He suggested I was “manic depressive” which I consider insulting. He said he can’t work worrying if I’m “committing suicide.” That I’m “undermining” him by leaving him alone. He said he will do all the cooking and I could “do all the drinking”. I said No thanks. After they left our worst fight so far. He asked me threateningly if I REALLY want to know what he thought of my novel. I said yes. He said my novel is terrible – for emphasis he shook a floor lamp at me and when he set it down hard, it broke! Said the Erin part doesn’t work and I should read National Lampoon’s clever “takeoff” on a schoolgirls’ diary where she discovers she has a penis – they captured “girlish chatter” perfectly in a way I could learn from. I’ve got to get out of here before I become a basket case. As long as he insists my misery and fears are imaginary we are far, far apart. I shouldn’t have come here – should have stayed working in DC saving money till the wedding (and his MOVE.) 8PM Thu 21 Feb Last night we had it out – every last bit and he SAW. I worked hard all day rewriting the passages he objected to – it is too bumpy out of “nowhere.” I tried to get him to understand how INSULTING he is being – that he wouldn’t accept this behavior from me. First he denied he’d said the things he’d said, then he denied being hostile and angry – he was shaking a chair over my head at the time. He admitted it does make him want to smash something. I asked him if its true I’m this crazy awful person that he says I am why does he love me? NO NO he insisted – you’re wonderful! How? So he finally got tender and said, “You need a loveletter, don’t you?” And I said, more than a broken chair! He said what if things get worse this summer. I said they WON’T. You will have graduated and passed the bar! You’ll have the support of me and your family! We fell together, relieved. The Lovers Ionized we spin Stigmatized we swear Teeth bared we Kiss. Fri 22 Feb 80 6:45 PM Dinner ready for T – he’s late as usual so I have a moment to reflect. Up to p. 200 – one scene to go. Last night he asked about “the relentless floods of blood” in my work. I tackled the “suicide” comment. First he denied saying it – then eyes full of tears –admitted and apologized. He gets “so upset”. He reported an incident with a college psychiatrist – an intervention – he was accused of being the college heartbreaker and he was so surprised. I said I have the marks on my heart to prove it. He admits he’s jealous of my writing because I can “write anything I want.” Tough to defend against that! I do write anything I want! But people don’t have to like it. Parents offered to buy my card for a grand and give to Genevieve. But they would keep it in Mom’s name because insurance in Maine is cheaper! I can’t criticize a gift horse’s choppers. Found Monica Dickens’ Autobiog at library today – could hardly believe my luck. Reminds me of A. Christie’s – seems bit muted. No doubt best story is left out. 12:50 PM Sun – 24 Feb 80 Toss sighing and groaning over my book like a martyr. Sounds like he hates it. I finished it yesterday in 4 glorious hours. T angry because I won’t answer the phone when I’m working. We’re suffering from “Doll’s House Syndrome” – anything he wants to do is for US – anything I want to do is just selfishness. He’s 21 p from the end. He says I “sneer” at his suggestions but I’ve incorporated a lot of them. T. says it’s “corrupt”. Uh oh. He means the teacher scene. I reminded him of the Professor Emeritus at Plumly who wanted to talk eagerly with the boys about how to get erections, what they looked like and how long they could stay up. Not “corrupt”? T thought he was adorable. Better prepare myself for the tirade. He says I won’t get published if I “dismiss” his ideas and he might be right. He yells, I cry and we’re both wounded.
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Tues 12 Feb 80
Listening to Scarlatti. My tolerance for winter is definitely over. Feeling at the nadir of my stored-up strength – a bear forced to hibernate overtime. Greatly affected by inserting Erin into Summer. I think it works. It belongs there because of my parents self-protective insistence that I invented a false history of pain to get attention. Waiting for T to get there – he’s reading slowly. Another bad fight. When I made the comment that the Grovers’ Mill house could be made so nice he looked around his hell hole and snorted incredulously. How could that possibly be when I’m such a bad housekeeper? I reminded him how wonderful MY house in DC was (and is.) He made fun of my voice – high, thin, querulous and self absorbed. I asked him if I REALLY sounded like that – abashed, he admitted I didn’t. “Women”. Women are manipulative, demanding and illogical. Hard to blame him for thinking so if you’ve met his mother (and his girlfriends.) But he’s not willing to listen to criticism of his mother yet. She’s “losing” him to me. She’ll have to meet his father at graduation. (They were divorced six years ago and separated eight before that.) He’s in a misogynistic panic – I feel like I have all the duties of an old fashioned wife and he has only s many husbandly duties as he cares to assume. He thinks he’s just “hitting back” against my “slights” AKA the unfortunate honesty he claims to value. Oh well. I haven’t figured out how to explain my viewpoint without unleashing his hostility. I look forward to the day when we can talk honestly about this. But we will need some emotional security for that to happen and emotional security means financial security. Let’s just hope one of my book projects pays off. Meditation, exercise, bath, dinner with friends. 11:30 AM – Wed 13 Feb 80 T. brought me breakfast in bed. I have to make sure to brings his tomorrow with his card To My Husband. It’s Valentines Day. I have a hangover but last night was worth it – found out some interesting things about T. He was a half hour late, very angry because he’d scratched his car against a stone wall and not pleased when I said I didn’t think expensive bodywork was necessary on a 70,000 mile car. After the guests left he went for me the same way he did when I set up a dinner last year with one of my father’ s law associates and he felt embarrassed by having to “beg” for a job. (No one told him he had to “beg” for a job.) That I talk too much and no one else can talk because I’m cooped up all day and that makes me a liability at dinner parties. He said “I think it’s better to tell you now than say “Shut Up” in public.” I said you bet it’s better! If you say “Shut up” to me in public there won’t be a marriage! He says there you go again with the ultimatums. I asked him how he’d feel if I said “Shut up” to HIM in public! He hadn’t even considered such an awful thing. I said I didn’t think my perceptions were so totally askew – I hadn’t “dominated” the discussion or squelched other people’s ideas trying to get them to agree with me the WAY HE DOES. He apologized later and said he fears me being lionized at parties. How will he handle it? I said it doesn’t look like he has much to worry about yet. I need to muster every philosophical, theological and psychological aid I can come up with to deal with my stunning LACK of success. I said to T I thought the real problem is we are too much alike! Essentially I’ve made the decision to “live through” the next two months – T feels it and it upsets him. 11:30 PM– End of a long difficult day. I managed my 10 p. but novel is too short and I can’t think of anything more to say. Novella no good! Maybe T will have ideas. He came home depressed at getting a D+ in Corporations – I made him a BLT and a Bloody Mary –he ate the sandwich but had to lave the drink as he still had a Law Review meeting! At 7 PM! When he finally came back we made up entirely for our fight and I was once again thinking, This is the man for me. He said he was upset because I’d commented on how handsome Peter Martins is! I’ve never even met the man! I said I was jealous of the Playboy magazine in the top left desk drawer. Thoroughly talked over my “failure” to settle in here. Said I was subject to “strong loves and few” and it was time for me to love somewhere else. Made him an enormous dinner of hash browns & eggs and after 2 bourbons apiece we felt pretty good. 6:10 PM Valentine’s Day – 80 Great day. Wrote 13 p so I’m up to 156. T working at the paper till midnight. T gave me box of delicious candy & card. Reading Collegiate Women– depressing tale of how the doyennes of domesticity subverted female ed. 10:20 PM Fri 15 Feb 80 Wrote a whole chapter – got to stop or madness will result. Reading magnificent Man Who Cried (Cookson.) Morally quite sophisticated. Cast Harvey Cox’ Seduction of the Spirit away in disgust. Should be called “Harvey’s Closet – here – you clean it.” T came home to spinach lasagna and letter from ex (the one he really loved and who didn’t believe in monogamy) that he described as “a howl of agony.” Said she will never get married or have children – spoke slightingly of her own work – and signed herself “love.” I feel for her. T was upset, angry and relieved all at the same time. The crap she put him through! T asked if I would consider living “west of Phila.” I said Sure if it has city access. Hard to beat his old grandparents’ place at Grover’s Mill right between two major cities! (His father was a children’s publisher in the 30’s.) Trustees won’t let Lois sell the house till Mother Louise dies (she is in retirement home.) In the meantime they are letting everything go to hell while hiking their fees – Lois is suing them – needs T to help. Can’t talk about my life to Avril – she is naïve. If people say they love each other there shouldn’t be a problem is her theory. If there is, its not love. 5:30 Mon 21 Jan 80
Fight with T when he suggested I see gynecologist over “my” fungus – like I came up with it all by myself! I’m not the one using Jock Itch spray for FOREVER. I went upstairs and typed – he came up yelling angrily that “the silent treatment” was “cheap and unfair.” I’m not allowed to think privately, apparently. T doesn’t seem to know how he insults people. For example says when we move to NJ how does he know I won’t “take a whim” to go somewhere else? Cried myself to sleep. I thought I’d be happy just living with Toss and writing but I’m not. Worried sick about money and his love for this disintegrating housewife. 24 Jan 80 Problems.T. burst out last night, “I don’t believe in joint checking accounts.” Uh oh, since I have no money. I have to ask him for everything and go over the receipts. I believe my definition of marriage is total partnership. He also acts like his taste is God ordained; i.e. “Pink doesn’t look good with black” instead of “I don’t like pink with black.” I made notes of things I wanted to argue about (here’s the list: “parent-child relationship Hostility Carpenters/plumbers”) Which he refers to as my “list of non-negotiable demands.” No. It’s an argument is all. His overstatements quite exhausting. Painfully reminiscent of his mother’s ongoing battle with her other son – the sight of a manila folder of his letters sets her off, he’s got “documents against her.” So are these points even worth making? I wonder. Last night T said lovingly, “I think we’re over our problem.” He told me he was afraid he’d be too upset to study. Finished Aimee Liu’s devastating Solitaire. (Bad ending though.) But you have to forgive her for throwing her parents a sop at the end. They’re still alive! Reading about parent/child battles has lots of relevance to my ongoing battles with Toss. Finish the poem collection tonight It’s Later Than You Think. I make list of things to discuss with T. on a copy of Tom Montag’s Letters Home: Our Relationship
Maybe I should discuss my theory of development of love relationships? Being in love s “humiliating”, parent/ child relationships, etc. 3:10 PM – Feb 6 – 80 Trying to write a new novel plan with a migraine. My writing must never be pedestrian. Calculate I’ll be done Feb 17 so I can leave. 1 week ago I flew to DC to comfort Avril’s depression. Her therapy raises the problem that she feels “worthless”. That’s Quakerism for you was my comment – they don’t WANT you to feel worth anything! We are particularly Worthless Worms because we were born with So Many Privileges and we STILL refuse to give our lives in service. We need to sell the house so she’ll feel free we decided. (And so I get some much needed cash.) Every night I was gone T called. Moving from here will be the best thing that could happen to our relationship. 9PM– Bad bad BAD day. Did my exercises – took bath – nothing helps. I seem t have a fever but am afraid to tell T (he called my PARENTS about the pain in my chest! “Were getting it checked out.” Doc says “Beats me.”) Tried reading AWFUL Margery Allingham. That woman is excruciating. Turn to Austen with relief. Thu Feb 7 – 80 :9;40 PM Good day so far. Wrote 5 letters, cleaned study, reorganized MSS Ophelia Was A Man.Joined the Authors League even though I usually hate things like that. Cut my own hair saving myself at least $50. 10 PM– the worst happened. T upset that I ate dinner without him, upset that I want to diet “You didn’t get fat eating dinners with ME” upset that I don’t want to take care of his house “You think you’re too good for housework” and especially upset about the Feb 28 meeting he insists he did not know anything about. When he feels threatened he goes for the jugular. Denied knowledge of the Mar 3-23 plan although he DID KNOW. I’m not sure he’s heard me even now – he keeps talking about being “separated for a month” and I proved its two weeks to the day. His anger makes me shiver and shake all over. Plus cramps. (Period alas.) He feels all this is a “slap” at his love and care! I thought we weren’t supposed to “lie” but he gets too upset to be truthful to! Thank God my day as a good one or I don’t know how I would bear up. His anger makes me want to scream myself but my throat was locked long ago. “Go on and let him have it!” eggs on Psychology Today but I think it would be more likely to end a relationship that would be a good one if we could just get back to civilization. Jane Austen a lot more help than Psychology Today. 3:40 PM Sun 10 Feb 80 How true it is – if you want to get something you first have to figure out what it is. As these frenzied Newport Days draw to a close I give thanks they are not to be extended. At least Toss has agreed to sell this house (helps that I’m selling mine.) Traveling relatives of T’s (a pair of married doctors) looked us up and I could tell they were shocked by the frat house nature of the place as T proudly showed off holes he’d pounded through the walls with a sledgehammer (“real brick!”) The work in this house is nonstop and T “chooses” to assist occasionally in the little “flurry of interest” which I would prefer to be MY approach. If I have to take care of a house I’d want to LIKE the place first! I resent doing decorator work to someone else’s taste for no money in the wreck of a rooming house whose nearest neighbor is named “Booger” (I kid you not). Before the arrival of the dogs his kids broke in and stole constantly. The dogs slow them down a little but now I worry about the dogs’ safety. An old girlfriend of T’s (married) invited us to the Covington House last night – had a marvelous time. She said we look like brother and sister! What a compliment! He looked particularly beautiful last night (even better than in is tux on Halloween) a Greek idol. Sigh. Reading Better than Rubiesa wonderful book about womens’ education. Train from NYC 1:40 PM 27 Dec 79 –
Alarms & Diversions – T & I have just had 2 very intense fights. Guess I didn’t realize the anger than was building up in me. His mother is just so RUDE – I cried in front of her last night for a solid hour feeling sheer helplessness! She is so awful! After she left we managed to come together much chastened. Yesterday we went to NYC to see costumes at the Met – got in a traffic jam outside Tiffany’s and could see we weren’t going to make it – got out of the cab and T bought me a ring! Eternity band of diamonds – very sweet. They say if a diamond ever falls out they replace it! Celebrated at Sherry Netherland with manhattans and duck pate in lingonberry sauce. Wrote four poems but too exhausted to know if they’re good. 12:30 AM – Wed 9 Jan 80 Battling with Byatt’s Virgin in the Garden. I may be unable to persist. Makes me long for Agatha Christie. She has a Proustian compass but overwrites dreadfully. T due in ½ hr – at library studying as usual. We had a lovely dinner before he left – spinach soufflé, salad and wine. Took dogs for very pleasant walk. T says he loves me so much more every day he can scarcely comprehend it. He was so upset when I said I might not take his name – it was only because he’d been flippant about a previous girlfriend. We are both so sore. Trying to stay open and honest as the emotions blast through. 1 am Thurs 10 Jan 80 Got a crazy card from Devon saying “I love you madly”! Guess we all want what we can’t have. Also good letter from Maureen. Blackberry accepts My grandmother’s ghost! T. teases that the $9 I made is “putting him through law school” (it cost $10 so far.) My Grandmother’s Ghost My grandmother never cried Emmie you’re a stoic Everyone admired her. That’s why She haunts us; pressing her face accusingly Against the glass beneath the stairs. On windy nights she Threatens God, maligns His angels; for the little boy who died Of scarlet fever; without once Calling her name; and the collie dog run over And the storm that forever uprooted Her wedding tulips. Mother shakes her head, says, “Poor Gran Will never be done; she’s got Too much grief to catch up on.” I wish our families would JUST GO AWAY and leave us ALONE. Phone call from Avril – our house for sale - her life very undecided. Toss lecturing very unsympathetically about what she “should” do – I bit his head off. I don’t dismiss his mother’s problems with smug pronouncements! He apologized, asked if he should fly A out here – generous but we really can’t afford it. We’ll get through this. Making applesauce from dying apples. T’s friend had a paper that needed typing - managed to get it done in time. Itchy vagina/anus from reckless wild sex acting up. Made a delicious dinner – porkchops with home made applesauce, green salad & sweet potatoes. Lie flat with yogurt in my V reading Queen Victoria & Her daughters. Not bad. Granma called about family party in March – now T has been on phone with his Mom the past 2 hours. Heard T yelling and cursing at his mother – then he comes up to tell me we have to “head off” Granma’s engagement party because his Mom doesn’t want to go to any party Granma throws. And she expects T to show “solidarity” with her by being unpleasant, stupid and cruel like she is. I try to explain to him that if she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to! She can throw her own party! There’s something wrong with Rebecca West – something distasteful. I just can’t put my finger on it. 5:30 PM Fri 11 Jan 80 Difficult, inconclusive day. Thank God for my mysticism – so necessary for an artist. I can just disappear into myself. Writing away to NJ Catholic colleges looking for a study of the mystics I can take this summer. My parents declare themselves appalled. “Mysticism doesn’t exist”. 8 pages on novel. It is scaring me to death. Why can’t I relax? Be playful? Is it because of my mother’s anger over the father’s death? She really cant forgive me for it! I’m so panic stricken over the ending I’ve decided NOT to make a plan. Toss got weird postcard from ex girlfriend. Couldn’t even tell whether she’d received his card or what it meant. Standing outside my own jealousy, I could see. The game is to pretend not caring. Trying to accept his love as a precursor to our love. He was filled with compassion for me over Devon’s weirdness. We discussed our children and their allowances as we walked the dogs! Very sweet letter from Beales saying he remembered me more fondly than he remembered himself! Cheered up by a book called Womanpriest. Sat 12 Jan 80 – 3:30 PM Worked on poetry,(horrible metric problems) read the 12 pages I got on Summer Before Spring– no good. Deep depression. I need to expunge all “flowery” writing-class writing. Beginning to feel this bombed out cavity of a house is cursed and no project can be completed here. And he badmouths my lovely, finished 5 bedroom 3 bath gas piped house in Safe Suburbia! Bad scene with T when I told him I’d already spent the money he gave me. He doesn’t think $35 necessary for groceries! But OK if long distance phone bills with his family are astronomical. He would do everything differently – why can’t I learn? I am afraid the real problem is males have their temper tantrums encouraged while little girls’ are relentlessly quashed. Accused T of caring more whether I’ve cleaned & cooked than written. I was surprised when I said I don’t respect his intellect! I said I’m just upset about my writing. He said why not find mentor. Hmm. Here? Webb critical of Harriet Martineau’s gossip – seems to see it as exclusively female (shades of V Woolf.) Pope, Rogers and Jonson said the most awful things about EVERYBODY. Plowing into Tudor Women. Poor Dixie having trouble walking – needs x-rays! 11:50 PM – Wed 16 Jan 80 Just finished B Russell’s autobiog – bizarre document! His description of dinner with the Stanleys (each member of the family adhering to a different religion) sizes up Victorianism perfectly. Got a letter from Brooklyn College saying they would consider me for teaching fellowship in creative writing program is they could see a sample of my writing. Better that than my academic record! |
Alysse Aallyn
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