5:30 Mon 21 Jan 80
Fight with T when he suggested I see gynecologist over “my” fungus – like I came up with it all by myself! I’m not the one using Jock Itch spray for FOREVER. I went upstairs and typed – he came up yelling angrily that “the silent treatment” was “cheap and unfair.” I’m not allowed to think privately, apparently. T doesn’t seem to know how he insults people. For example says when we move to NJ how does he know I won’t “take a whim” to go somewhere else? Cried myself to sleep. I thought I’d be happy just living with Toss and writing but I’m not. Worried sick about money and his love for this disintegrating housewife. 24 Jan 80 Problems.T. burst out last night, “I don’t believe in joint checking accounts.” Uh oh, since I have no money. I have to ask him for everything and go over the receipts. I believe my definition of marriage is total partnership. He also acts like his taste is God ordained; i.e. “Pink doesn’t look good with black” instead of “I don’t like pink with black.” I made notes of things I wanted to argue about (here’s the list: “parent-child relationship Hostility Carpenters/plumbers”) Which he refers to as my “list of non-negotiable demands.” No. It’s an argument is all. His overstatements quite exhausting. Painfully reminiscent of his mother’s ongoing battle with her other son – the sight of a manila folder of his letters sets her off, he’s got “documents against her.” So are these points even worth making? I wonder. Last night T said lovingly, “I think we’re over our problem.” He told me he was afraid he’d be too upset to study. Finished Aimee Liu’s devastating Solitaire. (Bad ending though.) But you have to forgive her for throwing her parents a sop at the end. They’re still alive! Reading about parent/child battles has lots of relevance to my ongoing battles with Toss. Finish the poem collection tonight It’s Later Than You Think. I make list of things to discuss with T. on a copy of Tom Montag’s Letters Home: Our Relationship
Maybe I should discuss my theory of development of love relationships? Being in love s “humiliating”, parent/ child relationships, etc. 3:10 PM – Feb 6 – 80 Trying to write a new novel plan with a migraine. My writing must never be pedestrian. Calculate I’ll be done Feb 17 so I can leave. 1 week ago I flew to DC to comfort Avril’s depression. Her therapy raises the problem that she feels “worthless”. That’s Quakerism for you was my comment – they don’t WANT you to feel worth anything! We are particularly Worthless Worms because we were born with So Many Privileges and we STILL refuse to give our lives in service. We need to sell the house so she’ll feel free we decided. (And so I get some much needed cash.) Every night I was gone T called. Moving from here will be the best thing that could happen to our relationship. 9PM– Bad bad BAD day. Did my exercises – took bath – nothing helps. I seem t have a fever but am afraid to tell T (he called my PARENTS about the pain in my chest! “Were getting it checked out.” Doc says “Beats me.”) Tried reading AWFUL Margery Allingham. That woman is excruciating. Turn to Austen with relief. Thu Feb 7 – 80 :9;40 PM Good day so far. Wrote 5 letters, cleaned study, reorganized MSS Ophelia Was A Man.Joined the Authors League even though I usually hate things like that. Cut my own hair saving myself at least $50. 10 PM– the worst happened. T upset that I ate dinner without him, upset that I want to diet “You didn’t get fat eating dinners with ME” upset that I don’t want to take care of his house “You think you’re too good for housework” and especially upset about the Feb 28 meeting he insists he did not know anything about. When he feels threatened he goes for the jugular. Denied knowledge of the Mar 3-23 plan although he DID KNOW. I’m not sure he’s heard me even now – he keeps talking about being “separated for a month” and I proved its two weeks to the day. His anger makes me shiver and shake all over. Plus cramps. (Period alas.) He feels all this is a “slap” at his love and care! I thought we weren’t supposed to “lie” but he gets too upset to be truthful to! Thank God my day as a good one or I don’t know how I would bear up. His anger makes me want to scream myself but my throat was locked long ago. “Go on and let him have it!” eggs on Psychology Today but I think it would be more likely to end a relationship that would be a good one if we could just get back to civilization. Jane Austen a lot more help than Psychology Today. 3:40 PM Sun 10 Feb 80 How true it is – if you want to get something you first have to figure out what it is. As these frenzied Newport Days draw to a close I give thanks they are not to be extended. At least Toss has agreed to sell this house (helps that I’m selling mine.) Traveling relatives of T’s (a pair of married doctors) looked us up and I could tell they were shocked by the frat house nature of the place as T proudly showed off holes he’d pounded through the walls with a sledgehammer (“real brick!”) The work in this house is nonstop and T “chooses” to assist occasionally in the little “flurry of interest” which I would prefer to be MY approach. If I have to take care of a house I’d want to LIKE the place first! I resent doing decorator work to someone else’s taste for no money in the wreck of a rooming house whose nearest neighbor is named “Booger” (I kid you not). Before the arrival of the dogs his kids broke in and stole constantly. The dogs slow them down a little but now I worry about the dogs’ safety. An old girlfriend of T’s (married) invited us to the Covington House last night – had a marvelous time. She said we look like brother and sister! What a compliment! He looked particularly beautiful last night (even better than in is tux on Halloween) a Greek idol. Sigh. Reading Better than Rubiesa wonderful book about womens’ education.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Alysse Aallyn
Archives
September 2022
Categories |