Sun Jun 21 – 64 – YMCA Camp in Poughkeepsie, New York
Can’t believe we’ve been on this trip four days only! For such a motley crew of sixteen girls and two counselors we are very compatible. Two of the girls are childish which I actually don’t like. Shavonne is a sweet person. She is plain though with a very bad figure. She is certainly not distracting Steve from thinking about his girlfriend who he says we will all meet! Shavonne is reading The Agony and the Ecstasy, says its very good and will lend it to me when she’s finished. (It’s a big fat book and she seems to read onl8 4 pages at a time! She was impressed that I’ve seen the Sistine Chapel.) Michelangelo says: “the promises of this world are phantoms and to have faith in oneself and become something of worth and value is the best and safest course”. Steve is broadminded – I think Daddy would approve. But he does have fits of anger and bursts of gloom. He’s a Catholic and says we should all get a chance to attend mass! I found the sermon interesting and the hymns beautiful but the Latin is annoying. Andrea and I left early because we had signed up for horseback riding at eleven thirty and when we returned for lunch Steve was furious! Said we were rude! We offered to be waitresses to get back into his good graces. Andrea and I have a room to ourselves in the South Barn. Boys in the North Barn! The World’s Fair is no Disneyland but it was interesting. Andrea and I pretended to be French! I got an ID bracelet with a big A on it. (I got another for Avril’s birthday.) I love it and I never take it off. Andrea and I saw Peter and Gordon who were performing – all the girls screamed and we screamed right along with them. I hadn’t heard of them before but I like their Willow song. Also the Eggheads and the Esquires. We were separated from the performers by a pool and a lot of kids jumped in! Andrea and I danced instead while 3 men filmed us with movie cameras! The only performer whose autograph we got was Danny Taylor. He was very nice, says he’s been doing this since he was 13. Mon. Jun 22 - 64 Thinking strange powerful thoughts. I guess it is another mood coming. How can I think of Bookie and death in the same thought? Probably because I feel bad about Mark. I didn’t say the things he wanted and I didn’t want him to say the things I thought I wanted! Bookie is outgoing and clever but less scary somehow. Do I like being the one who cares more? I don’t think I want to be in this boat alone! I hate myself for complicating my life! Now, meeting so many new people I am having to worry whether people like me. Andrea called me “ugly” several times yesterday. She was trying to hit a tender spot but I think she was really feeling the opposite! So there goes that relationship! I would rather not be hideous. Dark Flower coming along pretty well. Mystic Seaport, CT – Tues June 23 – 64 Awful night! Laura stole my diary and read it! Made me so mad! And that’s not all. We were sitting around the camp fire singing songs and I saw Laura and Andrea planning something in the woods. Said they are sneaking out to meet four boys and did I want to come! I was all for it! Laura, Chris, Andrea and that awful Julie who keeps tagging along. Unfortunately the minute I saw the boys I wanted to leave! They looked like hoods to me, but I couldn’t talk anyone else into leaving. Andrea started making out with a complete stranger immediately! I talked to an ugly lug named Ralph, but when I told him about Bookie he kept his hands off. Then who should appear but Steve! He knew all about it! I told him nothing happened and he was very sweet. Said he gives me credit for a lot of common sense, says I am one of “the most intelligent fourteen year olds he’s ever met! Others not so much. This AM when I woke up my eyelids were swollen: gnats bit them almost shut! Really liked Mystic Seaport. We toured the beautifully restored ships. Here’s a picture of the Charles Morgan. Bought ships-in-a-bottle for all family members and sent postcards to everyone. Steve staged another of his “movies”. I was a barmaid! Mass & N. H – Fr. Jun 26 – 64 Having a ball! We are in Hanover NH at Dartmouth College. What a pity its not co-ed or I would go there. We went to Boston and rode the MTA – saw a lot of Harvard! Met Steve’s girlfriend who is a waitress at an ice cream store! They just stare at each other adoringly. Luckily she gave us free ice cream because now I have exactly seven cents to my name. Writing home desperately for money. I owe Vicky 5¢, Sally 10¢ and Chris 5¢. Steve goes to Dartmouth and he was eager to show it off. Not having seen boys for DAYS Andrea and I were principally interested in finding one or two or FOUR THOUSAND. It didn’t take long! The few girls we’ve seen are nothing much so the Trailblazers bus is getting a lot of attention! At Hopkins Hall we picked up seven eligible males, all of them cute who promised to visit our campsite and say hi. Steve is not too sure about this. A particularly cute boy named Tom Morris said, “We can’t help it if we sleepwalk, can we?” I was Head Cook that night and while stirring the ravioli was not too surprised to see the bushes rustling. When we sat down to eat they jumped out to say hi! Steve made them go away. They kept loitering around making it hard to go to the bathroom. When I climbed into my sleeping bag Morris scared me to death jumping out from behind a tree! We talked for hours, promising to write each other. We have a lot in common (He is 5’11’!) but I don’t see how we can be more than friends. Percé on the Gaspé – June 28 – 64 I seem to be in an awfully good mood right now! Probably because we’re on the move, singing our latest camp song to the tune of 500 Miles, “If you miss the bus we’re on, You will know where we have gone You will see the garçons trailing on behind…” Who would guess an all-girl trip would be so much fun! Poor Alain! He is a French boy from Montreal that I met here. He is cool. MARK, BOOKIE, MORRIS and now ALAIN. I’ve “got” them except I haven’t got any of them! It’s either sheer starvation or crowd control? You can see I really do have problems! The question is: which of them do I want? The $64,000 question! Quebec – Thurs – July 2 – 64 So much to write don’t know where I should start! Quebec is a beautiful city built by dreamers. From the grassy fortress of the citadel to the boardwalks of the wharf I have fallen in love wit it. I loved London, Florence, Paris and Rome and now I have to add Quebec! You could be fooled into thinking that it was a prosperous French seaport. Not just the money and signs are different, the people are different as well. We drove all night to get here and when I awoke from my uncomfortable position on the floor we were parked on the Green Plains of Abraham! A troop was sent to buy breakfast while the rest of us walked around. I stood on a bluff overlooking the harbor and then sat meditatively on a bench. How beautiful life is, what a precious thing to have! How can people look forward to eternal life when this is so good? Seems greedy to ask for more! After breakfast, put on my blue gingham sundress and off to the Chateau Frontenac to use the john. “You can’t miss it!’ said Steve, putting me in the lead because my garbled French has him fooled. He underestimated me. I clung to the belief that since Chateau Frontenac is old, big and made of stone, any old big stone building would do. I led my faithful few to a storehouse, a club and the Quebec Institute of Dramatic Art before we wound up at the Quebec Parliament where we wandered up and down the halls. After all that fun, Andrea and I were on our own, working on more creative ways of getting lost. A street artist did my portrait for $2. He made me too pretty but flattery will get you everywhere. I’ll give it to Mom in a last-ditch effort to give her some illusions about me. I ruled the sailors and hoods and old men who came after us Unacceptable! Poor Andrea in mourning for her brothers will take anybody but I won’t let her. She wanted a midshipman, I wanted a French beatnik. We found two charming French beatniks (short-ish- my height) who walked us to our bus. Learned a new French word: “ravigoter” to freshen. Two beatniks gave us two kisses each! Singing on the bus: Up in the Air, Junior Birdman, Up on the Air, Upside Down! And Down in the Sea, Junior Frogman! Made camp WAY outside Quebec and we were tortured all night by malevolent mosquitoes. Next morning I was so sleepy I didn’t think I could stand up. Fortunately I can sleep at the laundromat. I sent so many postcards!
0 Comments
Thurs. Jun 11 – 64
I knew sooner or later I’d have to acquaint you with family problems. Poor diary. My reputation around here is Slovenly Loaf who has never done a day’s work in her life. Most of the time I creep around the walls trying not to be seen but yesterday I swept the porch and washed twenty-eight screens – I call that hard work for a summer day when all my friends are at the pool. But I don’t get any thanks, it’s all “Poor you.” So why try? Today I’m supposed to clean the house! I hope they don’t come in here to check on me! Maybe mother can’t understand me but I understand her. And I forgive her. I will permit myself only to see the kindness that is there. Remind me to read this when I become angry and tearful. Daddy’s in the hospital with an infected kidney but it’s not serious. John Bookover invited me to the dance tonight! I don’t know why since he thinks Mary Ann Murphy likes him (she denies it.) It certainly is great to be a girl! The town dances are at the Fisher Food Pkg Lot! “Dancing in the Streets” blasts from a truck and all the teenagers come! I’m finding Mark a lot easier to forget than I thought. John is very skinny but he is willing to dance fast which is rare. All the boys want to dance as slow as possibly. A dance would look like a wake if it was up to them. Sun. Jun 14 - 64 Bookie (everyone calls John Bookie) invited me & Andrea out at night to join him & Chase. Andrea and I wore jeans and our father’s white shirts. Andrea told Genevieve which I knew was a mistake (she is very righteous) and we only got as far as the garage. “Tell your friends goodnight” said Mom through her teeth. Alysse the juvenile delinquent! Oh well! I don’t like foursies anyway. (Double dates.) Date to play tennis instead. Bookie definitely doesn’t care for me as much as I care for him. Thurs. Jun 18 – 64 You have to forgive my writing – it’s hard to write on a jiggling bus! I snuck out one more time before I left. Andrea and Chase threw candy at my window – Bookie was easier to rouse because he sleeps on his porch. Andrea’s parents were already gone so she opened their liquor cabinet and Chase got drunk. (He is a problem. He steals things from cars. I think this is why he was kicked out of Eastern. ) Bookie and I didn’t have anything – we just wanted to slow dance. We kissed! He promised he will write! Andrea and Chase were making out like mad but Bookie walked me home. 4:30 AM! Up at quarter to seven – too late to have breakfast – off to Toledo! We are getting to know everyone on the Trailblazers bus. I am working on a Trailblazers song to the tune of “Oh It Was Sad When the Great Ship Went Down”. Steve & Shavonne are the leaders. They are nice – especially Steve. He wanted a few kids who could speak French and Andrea volunteered me! Let’s hope I can understand enough to manage. I slept all morning; we stopped at 1 to each lunch (tinned food) in a motel parking lot. Maybe I can lose some poundage. Looked at a map and selected a park to stay in, (Gettysburg) in Pennsylvania. We slept in sleeping bags on the ground! It was hard as cement. I slept in my cute pink nightshirt. Walking around the park all day looking at monuments. Every now and then you get a whiff of history. Names like “Valley of Death” and “Bloody Run.” Steve posed us dying over a fence for a picture! Left Gettysburg driving too fast, the trailer broke free and we had to go to town to get a part. We need to travel tonight to get to the World’s Fair on Saturday. Fri Jun 19 – 64 I’ve decided to work on a third person account of my life. (Everybody wonders why I am writing all the time.) Look at myself from the outside in. Obviously I have to change all the names – for me, chose the name Melantha Clenn. The title is “Dark Flower” which is what Melantha means. Whew! That was enough work for one day! My poor brain is exhausted! Last night we reached Valley Forge very late and decided to sleep there. There was nowhere to camp but thought it would not be too much to sleep by the side of the road. We no sooner had out sleeping bags out then up comes a fuzz car! (Steve referred to him later as Officer Remedial.) No amount of pleading would work; he ordered us to “follow” him. I guess he thought he was on Dragnet or something. We weren’t even told where we were going! Straight to the Valley Forge Police Station! Shavonne and Steve were led inside and the rest of us just sat there arguing about whether our camp counselors would be arrested for contributing to the delinquency of minors! But when they came out they said we would be allowed to sleep on some rocks behind the fire station! I do miss Bookie but for some reason think mostly of Mark! I’ll send him a postcard from Gettysburg: North Carolina memorial is a good one. Mar 22 – 64
It’s hard to see your parents prefer another over yourself. It’s not their fault – you can’t help your likes and dislikes. All the love they give me is for being an Aallyn. For being Alysse, I get nothing. But having Mark Jonas should be enough. As long as I have him, I’m never alone. Mar 24 – Tues – 64 It’s hard to fall in love. Mark writes every day, worried that I don’t care. I do but I don’t see what more I can say. What if I lose him? And of course I will but it’s so difficult to face. I’m going to Plumly next year and that’s even farther away and it has boys. Genevieve says the dating is intense. Mark goes to an all-boys school and it’s making him crazy. I’ll never forget Mark – I won’t be able to. He told me I’ll never know how much he loves me. He sent me a fake diamond twinkling and shining – says he’ll get me a real one for my wedding ring! My wedding ring! Why couldn’t he go to Plumly? He says his parents would never agree. Why couldn’t I have met him when I’m 20? I feel so trapped. Has he faced this? Does he think he can overcome it? Genevieve is lucky having Jack at school with her. I wonder if she knows. I feel another night of insomnia coming on. April 1 - 64 Feeling gloomy today wondering what people will say after my death. I imagine them being interviewed by a shadowy reporter. “I don’t remember her.” “She wasn’t very pretty.” “She cried a lot in Africa. I thin she hated the French and the Arabs equally.” “She liked cats a great deal. Think she wanted to be a cat.” “She was dreamy and secretive.” See? Even if they ask Mark, it depends on whether he has somebody else and of course he will because he’s big and handsome. In Africa my parents thought I was insane. I don’t feel too stable now. The slightest mental pain brings me to tears. With Mark I am calm and loving but we can’t be together for years and years. April 5 – 1964 – 2:30 AM Can’t sleep. There you are. Guess who I’m thinking about? Billy Graham? No. Goulart in Brazil? No. His problems are even worse than mine. Last guess! Yes, it’s Mark Jonas. He is one big fat heartache. When I go to Plumly I will probably never see him again. This is one big fat torture. But you wouldn’t know, would you, diary? You’re disgustingly unemotional about it. “I love him, I love him, I love him and where he goes I’ll follow, I’ll follow, I’ll follow” That’s Little Peggy March for you. Can I wait one week? I have writer’s cramp so I think I’ll give ol’ Sandyland another try. April 11 – 64 – 10:30 AM M-Day! Yes, it’s Mark day – he’ll be here in about four hours. I tried to sleep till noon but woke up at six forty-five, just like a school day. Mark called Wed and sounded wonderful. I refuse to let my stupid subconscious play any more tricks on me. April 13 – 64 – 10:30 AM I know it won’t work. I’m not stupid or blind, I’m just a girl unlucky enough to fall in love with the wrong person. It hurts like hell hell hell. But I can’t give him up because I love him too much. I can’t even pretend to keep him for a friend. I think he’s pretending too. He talks so insistently about the future. When your heart freezes a little does it ever unfreeze? Wendy my friend says no. Mon. May 11, 64 Sometimes I hate my mother and I know hate is an emotional word. I ought to say that somewhere in my heart I know I love her but it isn’t true right now. God I hope she never sees these pages! She just doesn’t “feel” me any longer. She’s so uncooperative. We have finally become severed. Of course she’s mad at all of us. Merrill wanted to bring home a boy for the weekend and Mom accused her of “wanting to play house”. Dad said she was acting like a “prostitute”. Their uncomprehending words stab me like knives. I would scare Mark if he could see me right now! His roommate sent me an ugly sexed-up letter. Mark says he’s going to beat the poor little shrimp to a pulp. “My boyfriend’s back , he’s gonna save my reputation…” Wed. Jun 10 – 64 A great summer is ahead! I’m excited – home life’s been getting pretty tough. Can’t say whether that’s my fault or not. I have many ideas on the subject – you will probably be forced to hear them later. Mom tells me I am too independent; that I am constantly trying to be an island unto myself. Camp Stark is a YMCA camp attempting to Instill Christian Character. I don’t know how much Christian Character I already have – it all seems to be ebbing away. At the end of the summer I may have even less. But it sounds like a lovely place to go. Shastain, MI meets my requirement of Not Being In Ohio. We heard about it through the Landfields. My mouth started to water when I heard at Horsemanship Division you work with your own horse! Do you impart Christian Character to them or do they impart Horse Character to you? I can but wonder; unfortunately I first have to go through Freshman Division. I was on the waiting list – it was only a week ago that I was told I was in if want an all-girl Trailblazer trip back East! !! My friend Andrea is going, too! She is fun but thinks boys were made to be taken advantage of. Her trip to camp is not for a good reason – her two brothers were killed in a motorcycle accident (drunk driver.) Now it’s just her and her parents and apparently they need to be alone. What with buying and packing and marking my days are just filled up!!! Feb 1 – 64
Fun sock hop! Danced with Dave and D’Angelo. (Close but not bearhug.) Feb 2 – 64 Dreamy mood, listening to my radio, thinking about Chris Loflin. Feb 17 – 64 thirteen mins to eleven Been doing a great deal of thinking lately – don’t ask me about what. Lawrence of Arabia has started me analyzing myself again. Anne Frank and I turn our eyes inward and develop our inner selves. Where she had God, I have none. It is horribly depressing sometimes. Dad suggests psychiatry. That gets my goat. Now I shall rage and rage for hours. Sun Feb 23 – 64 Saw D’Angelo again – he is a hood. Maybe I want Tim Landfield? That passed quickly. He spends most of his time imitating a vulture (and doing an excellent job.) Doorbell rang and it was Mark! Taking me to the Scott’s party! I did not know he was home! (His favorite song is I Saw Her Standing There. He says it is about me and my legs.) He is cute and has gorgeous big shoulders. He really liked my Greek dress and took a picture to take back to school. He kissed me and I kissed him. He invited me to his military school dance! Mom and Dad will say yes because they have chaperones for the girls to stay with. Mar 8 – 64 What a wonderful dance. I felt very grown up. I wore light green satin charmeuse – a long dress with short sleeves and brocade at the neck – with my hair up looked just like a blonde Jackie Kennedy said Mrs Hahn. (I wanted a French toll but got a bun.) She is the chaperone. We stayed at her house and she was surprised at my appetite. She said she was also at her most beautiful – and thinnest –when she was in love! Mrs. Hahn married an Eastern man – – but she doesn’t seem to think as fondly of her marriage as she does of these dances! So Jane Austen! She “draws a veil.” I asked for roses and that’s what Mark gave me – very small and tight. They should last awhile. The men looked very handsome in their uniforms (I don’t like Mark’s roommate who is a leering little squirt) – the school is imposing but barracks like with rust stains running down the outer walls. (It does have a nice chapel where Mark found a quiet corner for making out. He kissed me forty trillion times! Love!) He writes me every day. When I come home from school Mom puts his envelope on the king’s head, right by the door. I can tell she is impressed by his determination. Makes me happy just thinking about it. Genevieve wrote to say she doesn’t like the Beatles! She must be mad! I play their album a lot. Worrying (Mom would say ridiculously) about acting as a career. How do you keep from getting stereotyped? And who wants to do the same thing over and over? Maybe I need to be a movie star where you can try new things. Mar 21 - 64 I love Mark! It isn’t just a flash love because it’s active even when he’s gone. Nice to have someone loving me and thinking of me every day. We’re steeped in each other. If you can’t trust the one you love then you don’t love them. You’d think because I was in love I’d be nicer to my family but I’m crabby as ever. It’s not my fault. I’m lost in the peck order. Dec 3 - 63
Tomorrow I will be 14! Tempus fugits! Thirteen is a child, but fourteen is almost fifteen! I asked for a radio and a photograph album and a month at a good camp. Anywhere but the wilds of Ohio. I get one present at breakfast, one at lunch and one at dinner. Sun. Dec 7 - 1963 Delightful birthday. Radio in a brown leather case, green photograph album, and Roget’s Thesaurus. No camp. Oh well. Dec. 10 – 63 I’m in a horribly bad play. How can I ever be a good actress when I’m cast in this dreck? “There are no small parts only small actors” Dry up! Bleccch! In my own plays I always visualize the action perfectly and give positive instructions. I need a stage name suggesting beauty and a fiery temper. Dec 23 - 63 Face it, Alysse. You have not known one moment of true happiness in over a year. Maybe once in the Massachusetts woods with Marilyn – walloping each other as we defended separate boondocks. We were kindred spirits. I thought we were immortal. People live and die without knowing true happiness (Aunt Nina.) Have I hit my lowest point? Before the age of 15? I hope I’m not a pessimist. If only I could cry. It would melt the knot in my forehead. Jan 1 – 64 Will I ever get used to writing this date? Resolution: be a better ME. Uglier and stupider girls than me have boyfriends. Jan 2 – 64 I suppose I’m selfish. No one else thinks about me so I have to. I LIVE in me! People at school tell me I’m beautiful till I doubt the evidence of my own eyes. I run to the mirror and my heart drops. (The Waverleys did a good job on me.) I work hard to build up a good feeling so I can be kind. “I’m young and I love to be young I’m free and I love to be free” (Lesley Gore.) Jan 30 - 64 Just saw Lawrence of Arabia. (Mom covered Avril’s eyes through most of the movie, Avril asking, “Is it murder of is it mush?”) It was of the highest quality. I forgive the director his Hollywood: Peter O’Toole is the finest actor I have ever seen. Lawrence had unfashionably high ideals (that’s what separates us from cows, pigs & fish.) Reading Anne Frank’s diary (for the ninety-eighth time.) Mon Nov 25 – 63
Woke up in a wonderful mood in spite of the president’s funeral but when I see Mom & Dad – poof. 3 girls invited me to the Kohut house but no I must scrub the bathroom floor! Miserable again. A dirtier, more disgustingly humiliating task cannot be imagined. You need a knife to scrape the goo. Even at the Waverleys we didn’t have to do that! Believe me when I was down on my knees I made a resolution never to have to do this when I’m grown up. (Does Avril have to scrub her floor? No!) Wish we could watch the President’s funeral on TV but my parents are too highbrow to own a set! Nov. 26 – 63 Another disgusting day at school struggling with Pythagorean theorems I don’t understand. I was not meant for this but I think I’ll live. Called my pen pal Mark at military school today about the party Sat – I tingle just thinking about him. Hope he kisses me and puts his arms around me! My best friend Polly doesn’t understand it at all. It’s as if she has no pleasure in being a girl. Wed Nov 27 – 63 Holidays at last! Genevieve came home with Jack. She is cool as ever with preppy glamour but has put on weight. Jack is neat and very handsome even if his skin is bad.. As soon as they find how dead Brockton really is they’ll be out of here. Thurs Nov 28 - 63 Best Thanksgiving ever! Very informal. Relatives laughed at all my jokes. Genevieve and Jack exchanging subtle smiles as if they have secrets no one knows. Perhaps they have. After dinner dancing and ice skating (Jack & Genevieve went to the movies.) Came home & watched slides of our European sail. Perfect day! Reading Creeps by Night. (Shiver) Sun Dec 1 63 Sat dressing carefully for the party when the phone rang. It was Mark! He has such a manly voice. I told him to meet me at the Field House. It was a keen party but I don’t think he had fun. No kissing. Hope he invites me to the Christmas party! School Tomorrow – ugh. Jay and Jack have gone. |
Alysse Aallyn
Archives
September 2022
Categories |