6 Oct 79
Brideshaping up well, a loose bag for anything I want to throw in (Woolf.) 6 chaps so far – think I can get 60,000 without too much trouble. Think I am jealous of this house –we painted 6 to 9. T runs himself too hard. Chase elected him to ANOTHER position as well as law school ed. Last night I made dinner – fillet of sole in sherry, sour cream & chives with broccoli & salad. Jan showed up for dinner – luckily there was plenty – both praised my cooking extravagantly. Wine flowed. Discussed celibacy of clergy. I blame greed – church wants to own everything, like Ma Bell. Jan wans to spend the night so he can watch Foreign Correspondent – offered to paint. Dinner – running – bath – reading – lovemaking – satisfying routine. Then today the wedding – can’t believe I survived it. Christina, Mindy & Cindy all there commenting on my lavender lace dress with burnt sienna leather jacket. (Couldn’t afford to buy anything new.) T said it looked like “an old lady dress” on the hanger but nice on. Waiting for ride drinking sherry T said my face with makeup was “over defined.” I began to feel alarmed but too late to do anything about it! He said I sometimes dressed and mad up as if I were 10 yrs older and had flaws to cover instead of “being a very beautiful woman but he was afraid to tell me about it because of my feelings about my parents (their criticism I guess.) He said “at least you don’t powder yourself any more like Marcel Marceau”! (Stage makeup is OBVIOUSLY different.) I said I was sorry he felt that way and particularly sorry he chose THAT moment to bring it up! I’m sure Mindy, Cindy & Christina were satisfied we were on the “outs”. Endlessly long super religious wedding. I was in a stew. I don’t even wear eyeliner! I wish he had given me some money but would I have used it on clothes & makeup? Probably not – I prefer writing and “staying alive”! So much emotionalism in the service I cried and he apologized. He said he was so proud of me and wanted everyone to feel the same. At the dull reception (bad jitterbug) he introduced me to Christina who was COMPLETELY different from what I expected – at least a foot taller than T and very elegant (no makeup, alas.) After I came out of the ladies T said Christina asked him to dance but he declined “She had her chance.” He could NEVER have married her – a Professional Virgin. Impossible. Had to go shopping at Kroger’s after wedding for food – we were feeling better but he couldn’t stop justifying himself. Something about how “physically perfect” I am but not “psychologically perfect” because of Mom and Dad! Made me sorry I’m honest with him – my parents are normal compared to his parents. I told him he’s lacking in charity. That shut him up. Sun. 14 Oct 1979 Toss seems entirely to understand my confusing depression: just found this note on the bed when I came up: “PAY TO THE ORDER OF ALYSSE AALLYN A WHOLE LOTTA LOVING, KISSING & HUGGING, AVALANCHE OF AFFECTION REDEEMED WHENEVR SHE FEELS INSECURE”. He’s downstairs right now with Julio. I don’t know what it is about my family that lays me so low. Is it that they never validate my perceptions? They want me to live in a world where either they’re mad or I am. It’s like trying to communicate through a wall and the more you love the people the more depressing it is. I just feel so ignored and denied. Unfortunately this ugly pointless pattern continues into my artistic life. Set up one framework after another, only to lose faith and discard them. Dreamed last night about Phil Jervaze of all people – that I was trying to get his phone no. 11 dec 79 Finished Life of Raymond Chandler. Reading about Ottoline Morrell and K Mansfield. Disgusted with poetry and taking a vacation. Bought T. he prettiest Pierre Cardin Diamond cufflinks. 5:30 PM 13 Dec 79 –Thurs A good day in spite of a weird pain between my breasts. Tension? Seems better when I move round. Reading Lady Sackville & drinking tea. Phone call from beloved after Commercial Paper exam. Having a haircut then home in ½ hr. I had news for him – our nephew born last night – a whopping 8 lbs – remind me never to eat when I’m pregnant. Mom called to tell me –apologized very nicely for sounding “disrespectful” about my work by dismissing it as “ghoulish” and “morbid.”. They can’t see the two different issues:
Finished Xmas cards today – 172 cards! T & I had beautiful long talk last night of course followed by spectacular lovemaking. Confiding fears for our relationship. T doesn’t se how this can last. I said I worry about hardening myself against him because it’s difficult to be so open. Out shopping today got a flat tire changed by the Kroger people! Would that happen in NE? Certainly not in DC. Very little sleep last night because of T’s studying – but I didn’t ant him to leave the bed. It’s getting dark now – beautiful light over St John’s church. Submitting altered version of The Spire(leaving out sexual poems.) 11:45 AM – Sun 16 Dec 79 In 15 mins my angel will have been at work for six hours. That’s more than a half day! When he gets here he still has his packing to do. He asked me what about pending summer in Princeton then back here for a year? He knows he can get a job here – his friends have been working on him. I said I’d hate it. Want to get established somewhere before I get pregnant. I have a far better chance of getting a job there than here. Greeting noises from dogs! StormFall Farm – Wed Dec 19 – 79 Unalloyed pleasure! Sitting at my desk in winter liv rm (table pushed up to window.) It’s been snowing since we woke up at 10. I saw my new house – Grovers’ Mill NJ – very low ceilinged antique farmhouse full of original furniture. Too outdated to rent but fine with me – a whole house of our own! We could have two kids there without being overcrowded! It has some unpleasant dark curtains we could just get rid of. T’s grandmother just went into nursing home for the second time. Looks like this is the last time. The only prob is it has no laundry room – perhaps adapt upstairs closet? (Very tiny closets too.) Pat, Andy & Toss have gone to town – I will walk dogs and then be ALONE. Gloriously ALONE. Very close to becoming complete recluse. Just finished N Mitford’s Voltaire in Love. T enormously enjoying Perry Mason whom I read to him on our long drives.
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17 Sept 79
Finished Part I, on to Part II. Looked everywhere for Generation of Millionaires– cant find it. Rats. I was sure I could use almost all of it. Letter from Merrill tells me I have to separate from M & D for my own emotional mental health. Can I do it AFTER wedding? Reading Women in Love. Think its wasted on me. 18 Sept 79 Up to p 145 but feel I am just beginning. I need to write another gothic – it would be easier. Dumped Women in favor of Hahn’s Lorenzowhich I can actually enjoy. Useless trying to clean our room - T has nowhere for his clothes! Longing for my own house. Yesterday such a magnificent dinner – chicken stew, wine, liqueur, pears, nuts & brie – we decided to skip dinner tonight. I love him so much but still feel like a wayfarer unrevealed. Sometime I wonder if 30 is too old to fall in love. M & D called – good conversation. To bed with Hist of Mod Poetry. 21 Sept 79 O’s sex scene carries me to 201. Completely wiped out. Trying to read Eleanor Clark’s The Ball. Really in the mood for Edgar Allan Poe. Dinner with friends last night after T’s successful presentation – drank too much but didn’t get crazy. Still, angry at my lack of self control. Gears shift so suddenly. The closer T gets the greater my terror. Well, we will lay new patterns down. Think T was proud of me – I was proud of him. Starting to feel voiceless like the people in my novel. 26 Sept 79– Hooks Lane chapter in crisis – not satisfied with it at all. But I have to leave it and go on. T said we have to go see his mother. She was so depressed she went to a therapist who said “You have no support system.” Left KY at 3 got to Phila 1:30. Drive thoroughly pleasurable. His mother in very bad shape. Dreading the weddings and her ex-husband’s family. We helped I think – T said he was very proud of me. Home to find Mary Ellen haunting the place – she can’t go back and Jan doesn’t understand. Tried Catholic priest nothing worked. Weasel’s rash worse and whole house a mess. I feel exhausted. Avril calls very depressed – “Mr. Honesty” Dave has been lying to her and seeing another girl. Why am I not surprised? Says she wants to move too. Maybe Maine to be closer to Mom & Dad? I say she needs to rise up & denounce these rotten creeps. My lack of $$ starting to sting. After IBM and car insur I have $150!!! Have to sell the car, no other way. T had nightmare he married Christy then saw me thru chainlink fence realized he’d made a terrible mistake! Much better eve than day. Ran a little, tomorrow we’ll do more. Shrimp chow mein, red pears, white wine. T got two letters from old girlfriends (93rdat my count) “checking in” to change his mind. He says, “Alysse, you saved me from second best.” 27 Sept 79 Tremendously depressed about Speechless. How does anything ever get written? I’d ask somebody’s opinion but who do I respect? Nobody unfortunately. The first 2 chaps Part III far too short. But I can’t “pad.” My house party at the Kimball’s now seems dumb. Phila trip screwed me up. Think I should just write gothic from scratch. Something crazy. Helluvan eye opener reading Chestnut Hill diaries: how did I survive? Maybe I didn’t! Can one EVER tell the truth? Keep going back to Wantage & Uncle Burt. Ugh. Aunt Nina let me read M & D’s letters but told me not to let them know “it would ruin their Christmas.” Uncle B lectured me about responsibility while copping a feel. Ulterior Motive ranch. Reading about my nosebleeds in May 63. Had to go to Dr. Completely forgotten. 29 Sept 79 Cheered up by finding complete synopsis of Bride I can use! A little manic but not as extreme say as The Big Sleep. Complete with Evil Psychiatrist. I’m dropping him – Ned’s all the evil I need. Mon 1 Oct 79 Thoroughly enjoyable day lounging about reading Lofts’ Queens of Eng. Made 15 chap plan – finish Bridein 2 weeks!! Wonderful dinner with Mcafees last night – dull food but they told me T WAY more physically affectionate with me than he ever was with other girlfriends! Hehehe. Milestone sex. Tues 2 Oct 79 Reading Cookson’s The Girl for gothic insights. Thos Hardy she is not. She is even more depressing than he is. Only got thru 10 p breaking my schedule as usual. Should I bring Kitten back from the dead? Can’t decide. Feel I am laying the foundation for the whole rest of my career. Shouldn’t be hard to earn $10,000 a year! Right? I feel better already. Good long run with T last night. Received 16 novels from Detec Bk Club. Thurs Oct 4, 79 Workday blown by farewell lunch party at Goldberg’s hotel. Tomorrow there’s a wedding at 2! Can’t believe 2 gl wine gave me this sour headache. Should read no more diaries. Think my parents skipped their own adolescence. EX Ferrars’ In at the Killa BIG disappointment. She should lose her membership in Detec club for that one!! Boresville. #2 was Lucky to be Aliveby Alice Cromie – a DUD! Makes Dorothy Eden look like Shakespeare. Uh oh. Is it just “detection” or is my taste fatally out of whack with the rest of the world? That’s scary. I like to think I’m writing a “thriller”. Wish I had jewels I could sell. Mon. 10 Sept 79– finished mad disturbing Miss Herbert then walk in dark with dogs. People’s complex rationalizations for the arcs, crests & troughs of their lives bear no actual relationship to them says Stead, I think I agree. Order & purpose come in a dream – then flash away again. Liked it even better than Dark Places of the Heart. Weird publishe.rs blurb says they themselves don’t understand this novel! Poor Stead!
War with novel struggles out snails’ pace 3 pages. Keep longing to write here like I’m on the verge of some great discovery. Want to read my old diaries – make notes – but that would be a massive undertaking. With NO effect on novel. In the meantime poor T and I continue our struggling course. On Fri. poor Mary Ellen was raped. I told T this was a bad neighborhood! I think I’d be scared if I didn’t have dogs. At least no sodomy or blowjobs. Jan Defres and Mary Ellen left on their vacation early. Told T they should come here when they get back – she should not have to live in that house again. Last night we lay naked face to face kissing and talking about the amazingness of our love. It is amazing. We’re riding a tiger and trying to tame it. SawMarquise of O– came home to delicious steak dinner – took a tour of restored houses. Poor T trying to “sell” me. I pine for our Pennsylvania house. So what is the answer? How does one give true weight to ideas & things? To conservatory to see plants – home for fabulous lovemaking. Good weekend. Tues. 11 Sept 79 – Every day its catalogue. Jan & Mary Ellen to dinner – she has black eye but otherwise seems no different. Does not disparage house. Mom sends separate letters to me & T. I feel she is on “his side” not mine. Obviously “living together” is at the heart of all our problems (secretly, she probably thinks its my exhibitionism. Me!) ReadingSelf-Starvationabout how children make enemies of their own bodies in reaction to growing up. Tremble with recognition. Feel so much hostility from Mom – she doesn’t know what we’re doing but surely I’m corrupting T with my awfulness. Mom said things in her letter she could only know from what I wrote to Genevieve. That outlet stopped. Feeling a rush of mature personal power – I’ve moved beyond them. Speechless is a bloody struggle. Writing about things too close to me. Wrote my first seriously bad scene – the adults all together. 3:50 PM– too upset after letter from Gen to write. She has been robbed of her honest feelings – she is just pumping up and down on the merry go round. They obviously think T will get sick of me soon but can’t decide if that is good or bad. My insistence on having a “real relationship” means I’ll never have one! Silly me. Need to do housework – or something – till I feel better. Shouldn’t try to write when feeling despondent. Midnight– Bath & Facial. T beautifully aroused – we made love TWICE. He says I am only girl he ever wanted to marry. Feel even our most terrible problems being slowly overcome. Routine & diet coming under control. Dream of the Rood unsuccessful. 12 Sept 79– Magnificent day only half over. Charting novel – seems “completeable.” Starting research for Demon. No bad mail – no guilt about housecleaning – send off Walt Whitman entry. Sylvia Plat poetic incentive – I can’t put her down. 14 Sept 79– Woke 4 am to tremendous whoosh – hackleberry tree coming in window spreading shimmering shivering glass across floor. Went downstairs – more broken windows –tree leaning against house. Seemed to come out of nowhere. Put on coffee called T at paper. He came home looking so handsome in wheat jeans & fishermen’s sweater with photog from newspaper to take pics. Started calling people 8 am. Insurance doesn’t want to pay so he called his insurance law professor. Trying to read Robt Penn Warren - finished me for novels. The whole thing, after many premature burials, killed stone dead p. 300. Even there it didn’t stop. Can’t blame him for publishing it. Its publishers fault. If this was a woman’s novel they would cream it. Never see the light of day. Retreat to Woolf’s diary where I plan to be for rest of week. 3 p on The Repudiated Journals of Yuna Roe-Smithwhich is a lot of fun. Reading my diaries emotionally draining. The whole Ryder thing is beyond depressing. I had forgotten Mom wanted me to marry Armon and cried over Mrs. S’s phone calls! Horrible Armon! What ashram would I be suffering in now? O, for a trustworthy literary executor instead of more family myth victims. T. and I discuss travel – Portugal, Ireland and the literary tour of Eng. He prepares frightening Goldberg presentation. We will celebrate with Graves couple to dinner – turkey? My piece de resistance of hot, garlicky potato salad. Sat 15 Sept 79 – Insurance will pay. Celebrate one of our many anniversaries with muffins for breakfast. Nice cool fall day – I can wear a sweater! T says after Goldberg he will set up his new study and old study can be our dressing room. Type 10 p without a break – T at library – do my exercises – hand laundry. Novel going uncommonly well except for constant awareness of what I cannot do. Tonight spaghetti & green salad. Didn’t realize I was clenching my jaw as I wrote. Sore. Sun 16 Sept 79– T hands me his mother’s file – tells me I can read it! Found exactly what I need for Alva. Tells kids she was allergic to husband’s sperm!! Ask if I can incorporate T’s letter to his father about StormFall into Speechless. Can’t read African diaries. Forgot I threatened to kill myself. Needed child psychologist in a major way. Were always staggering around blindfolded. No map ever suits the new terrain. 3:30 Thurs 30 Aug 79
Everything done. I’m in shock. Crawled into the bath with a vodka tonic and now I’m feeling better. Trying to figure out how to approach parents for money. Maybe they could give me my own stock as engagement present? Feel I won’t be able to disguise my rage. It’s “I’m All Right Jack” no matter WHAT – mighty convenient for them. I realize its any sense of helplessness that triggers all this rage NOT a good sign for T’s and my relationship. He can’t “make” me independent! I must not succumb, or Plath-ize. (She sacrificed herself to the gods of rage.) I’m doing this guy no favors handing him a woman on the edge of breakdown. 4:25PM– My darling just called! Relief! He borrowed a truck from somebody so although we’ll have to drive separately we won’t have movers or returns to cope with. He’s driving it out here so I can sleep as late as I like which I really need. Reading Robert Ludlum’s perfectly ludicrous Matarese Circle. In 100 yrs people will wonder how we stomached this stuff. A. and I going to Olney theatre to seeThe Battonight. Newport KY – Tues 4 Sept. 79 Reading old high school loveletters for something I can use in Blood Memorynow renamed Speechless. T. ebbs in and out of stranger-hood. He told his friends I used to be an exotic dancer – he won’t “lie” but I think it was a bad idea. One obscene phone call so far. Don’t like the way they stare at me. Last night we made love twice. I especially like to watch him sleeping – the perfection of his profile is heart-rending. But his angers are so weirdly arbitrary. Not with me so far I am divided on what to do – if I ignore it will it just get worse – be somehow programmed that I’ll be reasonable and he’s outrageous until there’s no going back? But if I don’t “let it slide” it’s non-stop arguments. Went to a famous restaurant to drink mint juleps last night and ended up in an argument about whether he has any misogynistic ideas or not. I proved he did (he thinks women “act stupid”) but that didn’t make him happy! He’s given me the entire third floor with glorious views over the city – I spend most of my time up here. Total furniture: a desk and a lounge chair. It somewhat makes up for the fact that he presented me with a new vacuum cleaner – obviously thinking I’m going to clean for him. Uh oh! Misogynistic idea #763. Mostly I am incredibly happy. At about 8 I’ll start the casserole & set the table. Newport, KY: 10:15 AM Wed 5 Sept 79 The electricians have been here for 2 hrs driving me insane. T ordered impossibly ugly furniture from Horchow catalog – luckily agreed to send it back. EnjoyingA Certain Slant of Light. Point of view not a problem for this writer. Next Drabble’s The Ice Age. Project: The Contemporary Novel. The irrevocableness of marriage. My children mutely regard my choice. The hopelessness of explaining myself t any of T’s friends. Rain. Any excuse not to take a walk (T lives in bad neighborhood.) Feel like a girl in a gothic novel except for the constant sex which makes it a different kind of novel. Break with the past. 6 Sept 79 – 2 PM Impossibly intense happiness. Peace & joy. Feel we have been standing in a dinghy trying to balance. Equilibrium is everything. Toss suffering recurring nightmares that I leave him to go back to DC Can’t reassure him as much as I’d like. Moves upset me to a terrifying degree. Let’s hope the next is last till kids are born. I recall when I got to Maine took me a full month to get my neuroses under control. 4 good pages on book. Molly Lefebrve’s book on Coleridge fascinating. T & I up at 8 to go shopping. Laid in a glorious supply food & drink – I gave him check for my ½. He is slightly alarmed I won’t open checking acct here. But he did offer me allowance which now he says he can’t afford. Too proud to complain. Must make money writing. Should take a walk right now – wake myself up. But light a little scorching – longing for fall. 12:50 PM Fri Sept 79 Long letter from Devon full of love and caring – his girlfriend sounds so wrong for him – prudish fundamentalist: what is he thinking? Must we marry our nightmares? Perilously close to a bad argument last night – somehow we got over it. Trying to treat his ideas with respect. Our family has a ban on displays of anger – his doesn’t! In Sheffield World the angriest person wins because they “care” the most. Or are just willing to behave badly, I suggest. It makes me angry when he postpones our wedding AGAIN like he thinks I can’t raise the money. He says “a piece of paper doesn’t marry us” BUT IT DOES. Why does “piece of paper” make him a lawyer? “That’s different – its for other people.” “Maybe next summer” does not sound good. No Thanksgiving (which would be the easy thing) so I suggest spring vacation – he says Sept a year from now! Wants to have a job. I think it is better to get wedding stuff out of the way. Now he’s trying to talk me into living near his mother in the city but I hate cities. Impasse. Seems I don’t need to cut very deeply to see pus. Can’t speed up the intimacy process much as I want to. Keep having to detangle Mom & Dad’s puritanical creepers out of my own mind!! They give me a headache. At least T is making dinner tonight. If it weren’t for alcohol I don’t know if we’d pull through. Loving Christina Stead’s Miss Herbert. 6:40 PMLong letters to Devon and Merrill, then when T came home I wept for an hour. Apologize. This is heavy work. T shocked me by suggesting we “spend the summer here” my shocked response showed how much I think I am “camping out.” |
Alysse Aallyn
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