17 Sept 79
Finished Part I, on to Part II. Looked everywhere for Generation of Millionaires– cant find it. Rats. I was sure I could use almost all of it. Letter from Merrill tells me I have to separate from M & D for my own emotional mental health. Can I do it AFTER wedding? Reading Women in Love. Think its wasted on me. 18 Sept 79 Up to p 145 but feel I am just beginning. I need to write another gothic – it would be easier. Dumped Women in favor of Hahn’s Lorenzowhich I can actually enjoy. Useless trying to clean our room - T has nowhere for his clothes! Longing for my own house. Yesterday such a magnificent dinner – chicken stew, wine, liqueur, pears, nuts & brie – we decided to skip dinner tonight. I love him so much but still feel like a wayfarer unrevealed. Sometime I wonder if 30 is too old to fall in love. M & D called – good conversation. To bed with Hist of Mod Poetry. 21 Sept 79 O’s sex scene carries me to 201. Completely wiped out. Trying to read Eleanor Clark’s The Ball. Really in the mood for Edgar Allan Poe. Dinner with friends last night after T’s successful presentation – drank too much but didn’t get crazy. Still, angry at my lack of self control. Gears shift so suddenly. The closer T gets the greater my terror. Well, we will lay new patterns down. Think T was proud of me – I was proud of him. Starting to feel voiceless like the people in my novel. 26 Sept 79– Hooks Lane chapter in crisis – not satisfied with it at all. But I have to leave it and go on. T said we have to go see his mother. She was so depressed she went to a therapist who said “You have no support system.” Left KY at 3 got to Phila 1:30. Drive thoroughly pleasurable. His mother in very bad shape. Dreading the weddings and her ex-husband’s family. We helped I think – T said he was very proud of me. Home to find Mary Ellen haunting the place – she can’t go back and Jan doesn’t understand. Tried Catholic priest nothing worked. Weasel’s rash worse and whole house a mess. I feel exhausted. Avril calls very depressed – “Mr. Honesty” Dave has been lying to her and seeing another girl. Why am I not surprised? Says she wants to move too. Maybe Maine to be closer to Mom & Dad? I say she needs to rise up & denounce these rotten creeps. My lack of $$ starting to sting. After IBM and car insur I have $150!!! Have to sell the car, no other way. T had nightmare he married Christy then saw me thru chainlink fence realized he’d made a terrible mistake! Much better eve than day. Ran a little, tomorrow we’ll do more. Shrimp chow mein, red pears, white wine. T got two letters from old girlfriends (93rdat my count) “checking in” to change his mind. He says, “Alysse, you saved me from second best.” 27 Sept 79 Tremendously depressed about Speechless. How does anything ever get written? I’d ask somebody’s opinion but who do I respect? Nobody unfortunately. The first 2 chaps Part III far too short. But I can’t “pad.” My house party at the Kimball’s now seems dumb. Phila trip screwed me up. Think I should just write gothic from scratch. Something crazy. Helluvan eye opener reading Chestnut Hill diaries: how did I survive? Maybe I didn’t! Can one EVER tell the truth? Keep going back to Wantage & Uncle Burt. Ugh. Aunt Nina let me read M & D’s letters but told me not to let them know “it would ruin their Christmas.” Uncle B lectured me about responsibility while copping a feel. Ulterior Motive ranch. Reading about my nosebleeds in May 63. Had to go to Dr. Completely forgotten. 29 Sept 79 Cheered up by finding complete synopsis of Bride I can use! A little manic but not as extreme say as The Big Sleep. Complete with Evil Psychiatrist. I’m dropping him – Ned’s all the evil I need. Mon 1 Oct 79 Thoroughly enjoyable day lounging about reading Lofts’ Queens of Eng. Made 15 chap plan – finish Bridein 2 weeks!! Wonderful dinner with Mcafees last night – dull food but they told me T WAY more physically affectionate with me than he ever was with other girlfriends! Hehehe. Milestone sex. Tues 2 Oct 79 Reading Cookson’s The Girl for gothic insights. Thos Hardy she is not. She is even more depressing than he is. Only got thru 10 p breaking my schedule as usual. Should I bring Kitten back from the dead? Can’t decide. Feel I am laying the foundation for the whole rest of my career. Shouldn’t be hard to earn $10,000 a year! Right? I feel better already. Good long run with T last night. Received 16 novels from Detec Bk Club. Thurs Oct 4, 79 Workday blown by farewell lunch party at Goldberg’s hotel. Tomorrow there’s a wedding at 2! Can’t believe 2 gl wine gave me this sour headache. Should read no more diaries. Think my parents skipped their own adolescence. EX Ferrars’ In at the Killa BIG disappointment. She should lose her membership in Detec club for that one!! Boresville. #2 was Lucky to be Aliveby Alice Cromie – a DUD! Makes Dorothy Eden look like Shakespeare. Uh oh. Is it just “detection” or is my taste fatally out of whack with the rest of the world? That’s scary. I like to think I’m writing a “thriller”. Wish I had jewels I could sell.
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Alysse Aallyn
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