12 July 82
Back from scattering my business cards around Princeton” “Preparation of Literary Mss a Specialty.” Asset or liability? We will see. Came back from an avalanche of bullshit from romantic publishers as would make a pig choke. Zebra called to say they would buy Dishonored Virginoutright for $500 – Tom, who insisted on listening in (“I’ll be quiet”) made a loud snort of disgust. I tried to negotiate for any improvement, they said, “That’s what we’re offering.” I told them no. Charlene sent me a depressing letter about what real Christians would write. I usually don’t drop people but I’m tempted. Over vacation I tried to turn my life into an Evelyn Waugh novel (to save the time of writing here) but it didn’t work. Turns out I need this book – it’s a side of me I just can’t show anyone else. Should at least record that Fri & Sat were days of Perfect Bliss – driving through Maine – attending T’s Uncle Josh’s wedding. Beautiful event – I wore my bridesmaid’s dress – beautiful countryside. I ate that countryside up – lived in it through my eyes – thinking it’s all worth it – being me – seeing this. Then 5 glorious hours at the pond, floating on inner tubes, sporting like seals, making love in the grass while Shane played and slept so happy in his pen. 14 July 82 T disenchanted with his RE scheme – can’t even make costs much less profit. His mother offered to pay him $12,000 a year but when he asked for it said “That’s your rent.” The last tenant of this house paid NOTHING because its accommodations are so primitive – the idea was to keep it from being vandalized or burnt down. But Lois sees a way to get money out of her son. I think T’s disillusion makes him likelier to listen to me – since NEITHER of us is a “success” maybe we can plan to burst out of our shells together. But I’m having trouble articulating my feelings to myself much less to him. Rereading Holmes’ wonderful Shelley. A real cheer up in its object lesson that life is never whatever you were planning. 17 July 82 T’s out working on the car. He loves car and barn and yard work, it soothes him. Reading Sheed’s Clare Boothe Luce–first half ground-breaking, second half bizarre. He’s forced to admit she’s really not that interesting! Cary’s wedding at 1 in the broiling heat – S breaking out with prickly heat everywhere. Threw my diet out the window. While my mouth was filled with cake a very cynical man asked me what I “did” – I tried to turn my typing service into a literary consultancy. I know you’re supposed to be able to acquire customers at these events but people seem insecure or hostile. I may be finished with parties! Spent most of my time talking to another mother about our babies. I’m so proud of Shane – wonderful to show him off. T calls him “the baby emperor”. T. misses journalism – applied for a job with Prentice-Hall but says being a lawyer counts against him! They haven’t contacted him for an interview – he’s sure they’re deluged with resumes. Told Dr I feel like the Black Dahlia – hanging upside down with all the blood falling out. He looked unimpressed. 11 pm Mon 19 July 82 Very successful day! Finished retype of novel in a burst of effort – 27 p! Then long walk with baby. Read Rendell’s Make Death Love Me– she is so gruesome. I like her. If I can’t get people hitched maybe I can murder them instead. Sending novel out for copies. 20 July 82 A Dr Jacobus called me up and demanded I spell “cholecystectomy.” I successfully sounded it out – then he drove on me and dumped a load of gibberish plus tapes to transcribe. He was pissed at $1 a page but accepted it. Be careful what you want…and now I can’t play with Shane! Charlene huffy that I seem to be booked for the rest of the summer. 21 July 82 Constant nagging hunger & feelings of extreme ugliness. Trying to teach Shane to eat – he prefers finger food. Look to T for support and get a boatload of depression – he made the wrong call – sole practice awful his mother a nightmare and now his money’s all tied up in developing a house for his Mom! She doesn’t care how miserable he is – in fact it makes her hum and twitch her nose with pleasure: “THAT will teach you.” Somehow she’s getting even with everyone who ever offended her through him. How can this sadistic monster always see herself as the victim? I thought our best bet was to live at 1738 in Phila as landlords – he won’t even entertain the idea. “What will happen to this place?” It’s not ours! His mother appears to have trapped him into taking care of it for no money – then laughing about how badly he’s doing. He discussed trying to find some sort of night job. I said if anyone should take a night job it should be me. If only I could stay on my diet maybe I could go back to dancing. Solves exercise and money in one fell swoop! Now I’ve got to figure out how to type Dr. Jacobus’ cholecystectomy charts. It’s TEN PM DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR LIFE IS??? Rereading the loveletters of HG Wells & Rebecca West. Would make a super novel. 27 July 82 Feeling so besieged when Granma calls I nearly strangle her through the wire. WHO CALLS AT 7:40 AM???? T being tortured by the stock market – we should have sold last Sept. My Dad wants it to go down to 400 to show how evil Reagan is – who cares if we’re all ruined in the process. Wish I wasn’t so shredded by it all. Wrote a short story and T who hasn’t read a short story in years, lectured me on “what readers expect.” We don’t see eye to eye on what constitutes a satisfying ending.
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Fri Jun 11 82
4 loads of laundry. Shane is easy when he’s easy but when he’s not he’s EXHAUSTING. I’m a mass of tensions. (He just closed his eyes. Glory!) The trouble is 20 mins is too short for writing but it’s PERFECT for wailing here. Let’s just hope it “releases” tension instead of making things worse. FORGET about writing even TWO of these novels a year! It’s too painful a stretch. I’m having fun doing it “my way” but I don’t ever want to do it again. And then Daisy had the nerve to come over yesterday and lecture me about my career – I need to “get serious” and “not write crap”. She’s going to come out of her divorce with nothing but the kids but she doesn’t care she’s got a big rich family (whom she’ll go back to MN to join) and a guaranteed job ANYWHERE in insurance $60,000 a year any time she asks for it. Since bragging isn’t my thing I’m totally silenced. I’m sure she would say I should learn to brag! Only way to get ahead! S awake and playing in his pen – I’m correcting novel by hand. Need a word processor. Query letters to Sapphire & Braceland. How I would “catch shopper’s eye” or “fit in with latest craze.” I should be reading the competition but unfortunately it IS crap. Makes it hard to argue with the Daisies of this world and yet why should bilge & romance be synonymous? Think I understand not just Woolf’s but Plath’s suicide. I refuse to give up. Not that maintaining “romance” is easy: T calls that he’s missed his train – I go off my diet & destroy my fingernails. I can’t BELIEVE I’m trapped in this parody of a fifties marriage. I would like to bring T in on all my literary plans but I’m afraid it would be like consulting my parents – I’d end up sobbing hopelessly. How DID my self-esteem get so defused? Maybe because T has literally NO IDEA how to be supportive – it isn’t even a concept in his family. He never offers to take the baby – whom he loves – and his “help” around the house is offering Negative advice: “That’s awful.” On Sundays he makes breakfast while I “sleep in” not a rewarding experience – messes up every pot in the house, takes hours to produce anything while the baby screams. S drops his carrot for 2,000 time now sucking on my nightgown. Theresa here to clean – thank God. Reading Helen Van Slyke’s Always Is Not Forever thinking, gee, it would fun to write this novel with real people in it. Mon 14 Jun 82 No point asking T for help – he instantly out-depresses ME! He says as soon as he’s out of money I’ll divorce him! It seems my role is to pour out endless encouragement & support to make his life bearable. Uh oh! I want T to take me seriously as a writer and it just keeps getting worse and worse. 10 PM– got S down, feeling better – called T. He’s in a terrible state – L playing ripflesh with him – they’re out of money, owe $8,000 it’s his fault. His pointing out she shouldn’t have used development loan money to buy her dream house doesn’t get him off the hook. He promised to make her dreams come true. Tues. 15 Jun 84 T. staying home today, since his mom’s acting up. He’s out mowing hedge – baby sleeping – I had breakthrough. You can’t be both “safe” and “unpredictable” – these novels are the former and I want them to be the latter. Got to follow this lead wherever it takes me – somebody has to blaze trail. I want to write the “Robin Grunden” whose name appears on the “how to write for us” sheets and say, Look honey. We’re all adults here. Let’s invent our own categories. Wed 16 June 82 Giving my hair a hot oil treatment. Yesterday modest watershed – got my characters arguing about the double standard! 4 p! T says why don’t I get a job in publishing? Then I’d know what they want. I say the problem isn’t that I don’t know what they want. Working for a printer would make better sense. I’d like to be home for 2 years with baby – he’s going to grow & change in such important ways – would make all the difference. Mail brings hilarious letter from Pinnacle: “Herewith return your novel Devlyn which does not suit our requirements.” Didn’t read my letter OR even look at title of my book! Obviously they need somebody literate who can READ as well as open and stuff envelopes! T. hates the very idea of a press – it’s all a financial loss as far as he’s concerned. In the meantime Cary Newton calls T to say “forget about will –I’m getting married!” I’m embarrassed by how long T delayed – but maybe Cary will give him new will job after wedding. Feeling better by going off my diet –not too terrible – but had lunch at quarter to eleven! Just couldn’t tolerate the emptiness & pain one more min! 18 Jun 82 Bad day – good day – bad day – never was so sick of a book in all my life and I only have 123 viable pages! I don’t think it’s worth writing anything if its this hard. By sheer stubbornness I think I will have enough in another week to circulate among editors. Last time I write slush for free. I would have figured this out years ago if I wasn’t such a thorny mass of personal hangups. If this doesn’t work I’ll go into the typing business. Having my mss typed proves to me there’s serious cash in them thar hills. Struggling with The Political Character of Adolescence. Can’t write – baby smiling & laughing at me! He’s right – why get depressed when you can scream with laughter? It’s all hilarious! T & L got their zoning today. 20 Jun 82 Pansy & Sutton on their wedding tour – I have to crawl in bed after & pull covers over my head. Pansy probing always for the weak point- in my case, this damn novel. How I wish I were Daisy with flashing eyes and gnashing teeth. In T’s case weak point was Sykes margin call but Sutton will loan T stock. My own father promises $6000 but it sells for $4500 – that’s stock for you! Can’t juggle everything – giving up Fordham. T. said he would love me if I never wrote another word. It was the wrong thing to say. S on marathon nap – 3 hrs!!! 22 Jun 82 The baby was so quiet I rushed in – he opened his eyes and looked at me with that gorgeous smile! I‘m in love! T talked to L about developing this project – she says not for five years. So he says why not install wood burning stove in library? I say fine – in place of the piano. I was ready to hand S to T the minute he showed up but Daisy appeared to take our divorce testimony. I have chewed my cuticles till my hands ache. Off to Shadow Is for 2 weeks! |
Alysse Aallyn
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