12 July 82
Back from scattering my business cards around Princeton” “Preparation of Literary Mss a Specialty.” Asset or liability? We will see. Came back from an avalanche of bullshit from romantic publishers as would make a pig choke. Zebra called to say they would buy Dishonored Virginoutright for $500 – Tom, who insisted on listening in (“I’ll be quiet”) made a loud snort of disgust. I tried to negotiate for any improvement, they said, “That’s what we’re offering.” I told them no. Charlene sent me a depressing letter about what real Christians would write. I usually don’t drop people but I’m tempted. Over vacation I tried to turn my life into an Evelyn Waugh novel (to save the time of writing here) but it didn’t work. Turns out I need this book – it’s a side of me I just can’t show anyone else. Should at least record that Fri & Sat were days of Perfect Bliss – driving through Maine – attending T’s Uncle Josh’s wedding. Beautiful event – I wore my bridesmaid’s dress – beautiful countryside. I ate that countryside up – lived in it through my eyes – thinking it’s all worth it – being me – seeing this. Then 5 glorious hours at the pond, floating on inner tubes, sporting like seals, making love in the grass while Shane played and slept so happy in his pen. 14 July 82 T disenchanted with his RE scheme – can’t even make costs much less profit. His mother offered to pay him $12,000 a year but when he asked for it said “That’s your rent.” The last tenant of this house paid NOTHING because its accommodations are so primitive – the idea was to keep it from being vandalized or burnt down. But Lois sees a way to get money out of her son. I think T’s disillusion makes him likelier to listen to me – since NEITHER of us is a “success” maybe we can plan to burst out of our shells together. But I’m having trouble articulating my feelings to myself much less to him. Rereading Holmes’ wonderful Shelley. A real cheer up in its object lesson that life is never whatever you were planning. 17 July 82 T’s out working on the car. He loves car and barn and yard work, it soothes him. Reading Sheed’s Clare Boothe Luce–first half ground-breaking, second half bizarre. He’s forced to admit she’s really not that interesting! Cary’s wedding at 1 in the broiling heat – S breaking out with prickly heat everywhere. Threw my diet out the window. While my mouth was filled with cake a very cynical man asked me what I “did” – I tried to turn my typing service into a literary consultancy. I know you’re supposed to be able to acquire customers at these events but people seem insecure or hostile. I may be finished with parties! Spent most of my time talking to another mother about our babies. I’m so proud of Shane – wonderful to show him off. T calls him “the baby emperor”. T. misses journalism – applied for a job with Prentice-Hall but says being a lawyer counts against him! They haven’t contacted him for an interview – he’s sure they’re deluged with resumes. Told Dr I feel like the Black Dahlia – hanging upside down with all the blood falling out. He looked unimpressed. 11 pm Mon 19 July 82 Very successful day! Finished retype of novel in a burst of effort – 27 p! Then long walk with baby. Read Rendell’s Make Death Love Me– she is so gruesome. I like her. If I can’t get people hitched maybe I can murder them instead. Sending novel out for copies. 20 July 82 A Dr Jacobus called me up and demanded I spell “cholecystectomy.” I successfully sounded it out – then he drove on me and dumped a load of gibberish plus tapes to transcribe. He was pissed at $1 a page but accepted it. Be careful what you want…and now I can’t play with Shane! Charlene huffy that I seem to be booked for the rest of the summer. 21 July 82 Constant nagging hunger & feelings of extreme ugliness. Trying to teach Shane to eat – he prefers finger food. Look to T for support and get a boatload of depression – he made the wrong call – sole practice awful his mother a nightmare and now his money’s all tied up in developing a house for his Mom! She doesn’t care how miserable he is – in fact it makes her hum and twitch her nose with pleasure: “THAT will teach you.” Somehow she’s getting even with everyone who ever offended her through him. How can this sadistic monster always see herself as the victim? I thought our best bet was to live at 1738 in Phila as landlords – he won’t even entertain the idea. “What will happen to this place?” It’s not ours! His mother appears to have trapped him into taking care of it for no money – then laughing about how badly he’s doing. He discussed trying to find some sort of night job. I said if anyone should take a night job it should be me. If only I could stay on my diet maybe I could go back to dancing. Solves exercise and money in one fell swoop! Now I’ve got to figure out how to type Dr. Jacobus’ cholecystectomy charts. It’s TEN PM DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR LIFE IS??? Rereading the loveletters of HG Wells & Rebecca West. Would make a super novel. 27 July 82 Feeling so besieged when Granma calls I nearly strangle her through the wire. WHO CALLS AT 7:40 AM???? T being tortured by the stock market – we should have sold last Sept. My Dad wants it to go down to 400 to show how evil Reagan is – who cares if we’re all ruined in the process. Wish I wasn’t so shredded by it all. Wrote a short story and T who hasn’t read a short story in years, lectured me on “what readers expect.” We don’t see eye to eye on what constitutes a satisfying ending.
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Alysse Aallyn
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