Fri 14 June 68
Chaleco salvavidas debajo de a parte anterior de su asiento, my friend. Or, your life vest is under your seat. This plane was built for Royal Pygmy Air. No hope of sleep tonight. Potatoes, meat & peas all taste alike – burnt. Dream of Toss…”If I give in too thee am I not lost? Divided, doubled, thrown quite off my track?” Doubling doesn’t sound too bad. And I am “track suspicious” by nature… Seems like the dumbest group of Spanish girls become stewardesses. Reading Alec Waugh’s not very good Island in the Sun. He’s not the Tolstoy he thinks he is. “You’re mine, mine, all mine” I’m embarrassed for you, Mr. Waugh. Could any actor bring that line to life? Rewrite! Now landing in Madrid. Mansfield Youth Hostel, Luxembourg. 15 June 68 Try to read…Wonder, where I was a week ago? Look up from my book and gasp! Incredible loneliness! Or is it nausea? Gawp openmouthed like fish as I dream of Toss. Didn’t he say we could spend August at his place in the Berkshires? When w lay on my bed (the most comfortable bed I n the world) he said he subscribed to the Theory of Compensation because the universe brought him Me. Does that mean something terrible must follow, like my sudden fury to Detach, Escape? Hope I’m not hell for him as I’ve been heaven. Nothing to see at the Madrid airport. But the bus ride through Germany and Luxembourg was exhilarating! Imagine me & Toss rattletrapping the Autobahn. (He speaks German & spent a summer there, picking cherries.) Adorable French colonial architecture reminds me of Morocco. Absence makes the heart FORGET! But Toss told me he never would. One cannot fear such things – to fear is to begin to die. Here to Paris on Mon; Paris to London Thurs, off 27th (or thereabouts) for Stockholm. Will I be the loving or the unloving Alysse ruled by what dead or living shadow? On the Wrong Train headed for Treves, Luxembourg, Sun 16 June 1968 In the spirit of my new motto, “En cas de doute, essayez le” (sorry St Augustine) jumped aboard this train and learned the following Important Lesson: when you get on a train ask where the hell it’s going. Just because it’s at the right place at the right time doesn’t mean a thing. I seem to have stumbled onto the French equivalent of the Chestnut Hill Local. The conductor is letting me ride back and forth for nothing. My luggage is on the right train (to Metz.) Oh goody. Because of the Paris postal strike Dad’s Paris co probably doesn’t know I’m even coming. I suppose I’ll have to call them from Luxembourg. God only knows how much THAT will cost. If they don’t care about me or my father it’ll be youth hostelling again. Let’s hope they care about my welfare. I hate having to break into my traveler’s checks. Charming countryside. And I have all the time in the world.
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Thurs. 13 June 68 – JFK International Airport
Plane late, but meal vouchers also delayed, so forced to buy myself cheeseburger & Danish with my coffee. Now that vouchers have arrived I’m not hungry so might as well waste it on bourbon & ginger ale! In spite of the glares of the white suited headwaiter. I have an excellent view of the takeoff fields. So where had I got to? Steak with T & parents on their lawn? They look to me for clues to the Toss they’ve never me. But the more T’s dad likes me & tries to please the more onerous the Mom finds my presence! An exactly matched pair of counterweights! She seems to know that my love of men is sexual (I have no brothers.) Will I look across a lawn someday at the girl who steals my son’s love from me? I am very much aware that I was only given food & a place to sleep because I’m Current Choice of the Eldest Son. (There’s another one I haven’t met.) Strange how people’s lives intertwine and they upset each other’s timetables. Alysse wants to go to Europe. Toss wants to go to Oregon. Cruel twist of fate – everyone gets the thing they don’t want any more. We are governed by the shadows of our former selves. Hungry after all – Vichyssoise & cherrystone clams. (Excellent clams.) T. took me home to Pewter Hill by train because he doesn’t have his license. We went out for Chinese food with Genevieve and her husband (it was his 21st birthday) and G’s Plumly roommate Julie. I would prefer to be alone with Toss – when we are around other people I always start to fear I’m making the whole thing up. Toss missed the train (thank God) and spent the night. Played “sardines” – PH a very good house for that. I am the all time winner. Dad woke me & I woke Toss & ironed his shirt (pretty inefficiently I’m afraid.) Chinese eggs, (Dad calls it “slumgullion”) orange juice & coffee. Toss rode on the train as far as he could go before he had to take a different connection. We kissed goodbye with people staring – I was suddenly shy. The American work campers are all cigarette smoking college types. I stood out like a sore thumb with my matching red luggage. The doctors refused to give my smallpox shot because of “oozing lesions” (poison ivy) wrote all over my passport instead. Attend lectures, chose a job. I chose “Gardening” my mother would be so proud – worked in the leek garden until my knees were black. Washed dishes after lunch, then washed my hair. After the last conference of the evening, Toss called. It was a living pain to hear his voice. I said “The hell with this – when’s the next train out of here?” He said, “I’m coming.” We ran through backyards and over fences to his parents’ house. I said I’d like to quit the American Virginity Rat race. Went to the cabana (he says his mother is sick) and played John Wesley Hardin. Met his 15 yr old brother - taller but not as handsome. Toss admitted he’s a virgin too, but “we’re not protected.” Is mutual masturbation making love? I don’t know how to make it satisfying – I am not there yet. He admitted I was there to his father who drove me back. Awoke early to pack, grabbed a sandwich for breakfast. Our Icelandic flight cancelled (bomb threat) so we are flying Iberian. Used graduation money to call Toss at 3:30. He is such a darling. Truly and magnificently humble (unjustly scorned word.) Wrote him a 10-page letter. Thurs 6 June 68
Robt Kennedy shot. That makes three. Mom at airport on her way to Greece. T took physics exam, then we lay in grass and he asked me what I value most in life. I said thought. It isn’t a good day unless you KNOW it is. He told me it was my left thigh he valued. He used to look so forward to carrying it when I was Dead Gertrude in Hamlet (he also played The Ghost so we were actually married.) Sat 8 June 68 Grad day! We made it! (That was a close one.) I walked the Granolithic wearing my white dress and carrying my rose by the skin of my teeth. Partner was Blair Manteo the Always-Sweet, but I was wretched with poison ivy and pink with calamine lotion. (Damn barley!) Fri I didn’t see much of Toss (pool party at the Meaney’s where I could inaugurate my new bikini. ) But today he called under my window at three thirty AM…We watched the sunrise from the orchard. Into breakfast 7:30 AM. Glowing. “You’ll be even more beautiful when you are old” he told me. Lined up at Walker House, girls in white, boys in blue. Lunch a bore. Parents brought Auntie Beulah. Over with fast because there was no commencement speaker. Weather gorgeous! Sun 9 June 68 T really saved my senior year! I owe him so much! Casey & I rushed through our room like whirlwinds, packing! I dragged Avril in for “moral support”. Poor party at the Cocks’. “I thought you didn’t like parties,” I said to T. He said, “I want to be where you are.” Changed into a dancing dress with huge flowing sleeves. 2 kinds of salad, French bread, fried chicken, chocolate cake saying CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 68. Security guard insisted T wear a tie – he put his belt around his neck. We lay in the same lounge chair. Paradise. This life is enough for me! Immortality would KILL me all over again! We danced & danced. I have enough. I am enough. Tues 11 June 68 Sprawled out in the Meditation section of the Sylvan Manor Library. “The Little Flower of St. Francis” meets “The Big Cheese of Plumly!” Thank Zeus I am a healthy pagan! “Senescence Manor” is an obligatory “way station” on the way to Europe. Training in how NOT to be Ugly Americans. I’m supposed to be “meditating” so here goes. Last night was so perfect. One of the happiest nights of my life. After dinner Francie Parks, Stukey S., Toss & I drive in Someone’s Father’s Car to coat & tie affair at the Bellamy’s. Everyone but Toss & me seek a quiet corner to smoke dope. Why waste this glorious evening? Plumly Survivors, Unite. Is this a boat in which we haphazardly drift together or a trap we fell short-sightedly into? The latter, I guess because T & I flee as soon as possible to explore the grounds while a very good cover band plays “Shotgun” & “Hitchhike”. I wore my blue gauze skirt and Very Tight Satin Vest that Doesn’t Need a Shirt (but Miss Wormrest would say IT DID.) T. skirting control SEVERAL TIMES sobbing with apology & passion while the male bullfrogs shrieked, groaned & screamed. Toss liberated a whole quart of vanilla ice cream from the Bellamy freezer, which we polished off between us; then Eggs Benedict & sticky buns were served! We danced it off. T’s parents arrived – I said goodbye to Casey who seemed happy enough with John M. Tad Lafontaine agreed to ride with us to the Sheffield party. T’s parents seem very young – Ms Sheffield showing off her lime green shoes. Crowded into the back Toss strokes my stomach tenderly, whispers, “I love Alysse Aallyn” into my ear. Toss’ house is a railroad magnate’s nooky little Bavarian castle set into the Pennsylvania countryside. Paintings everywhere by Toss’ father – who’s an undercover artist posing as an investment advisor. Fauve paintings - some very good. Ms. Sheffield showed me to my puffily pink-quilted room – sharing with the absent Francie – but I wasn’t ready to sleep, especially since they had a pool. Swim! Holding each other under water so exciting. We dried each other off and he gave me the tour, including the basements (which go on and on) where he has his darkroom and ending up at the Recently Acquired Matisse. That was where we took off our bathing suits and collapsed in a pile of cushions, wet hair and hot towels…just as Stukey S and Francie P came in! Both acted like this is an everyday occurrence – we are graduates after all! What can they do to us now? Finally staggered off to bed. Toss woke me at ten for breakfast (said he couldn’t wait any more) and I met his brother David (13). Toss’ mother seemed annoyed about something like she had forgotten we were there. T & I walked Tad to the leafy little train station. I kissed him goodbye – (who knows when I’ll see him again?) and Toss mentioned that – by the way the senior boys had unanimously voted me Girl Most Likely to Get Married First. Compliment? I think it is if you realize it REALLY means “Girl Most Likely to be Proposed To.” T. didn’t know it but this poured balm on my still bubbling wounds inflicted by the Rumor Mill. Wrote my first letter to Casey. |
Alysse Aallyn
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