Thurs. 13 June 68 – JFK International Airport
Plane late, but meal vouchers also delayed, so forced to buy myself cheeseburger & Danish with my coffee. Now that vouchers have arrived I’m not hungry so might as well waste it on bourbon & ginger ale! In spite of the glares of the white suited headwaiter. I have an excellent view of the takeoff fields. So where had I got to? Steak with T & parents on their lawn? They look to me for clues to the Toss they’ve never me. But the more T’s dad likes me & tries to please the more onerous the Mom finds my presence! An exactly matched pair of counterweights! She seems to know that my love of men is sexual (I have no brothers.) Will I look across a lawn someday at the girl who steals my son’s love from me? I am very much aware that I was only given food & a place to sleep because I’m Current Choice of the Eldest Son. (There’s another one I haven’t met.) Strange how people’s lives intertwine and they upset each other’s timetables. Alysse wants to go to Europe. Toss wants to go to Oregon. Cruel twist of fate – everyone gets the thing they don’t want any more. We are governed by the shadows of our former selves. Hungry after all – Vichyssoise & cherrystone clams. (Excellent clams.) T. took me home to Pewter Hill by train because he doesn’t have his license. We went out for Chinese food with Genevieve and her husband (it was his 21st birthday) and G’s Plumly roommate Julie. I would prefer to be alone with Toss – when we are around other people I always start to fear I’m making the whole thing up. Toss missed the train (thank God) and spent the night. Played “sardines” – PH a very good house for that. I am the all time winner. Dad woke me & I woke Toss & ironed his shirt (pretty inefficiently I’m afraid.) Chinese eggs, (Dad calls it “slumgullion”) orange juice & coffee. Toss rode on the train as far as he could go before he had to take a different connection. We kissed goodbye with people staring – I was suddenly shy. The American work campers are all cigarette smoking college types. I stood out like a sore thumb with my matching red luggage. The doctors refused to give my smallpox shot because of “oozing lesions” (poison ivy) wrote all over my passport instead. Attend lectures, chose a job. I chose “Gardening” my mother would be so proud – worked in the leek garden until my knees were black. Washed dishes after lunch, then washed my hair. After the last conference of the evening, Toss called. It was a living pain to hear his voice. I said “The hell with this – when’s the next train out of here?” He said, “I’m coming.” We ran through backyards and over fences to his parents’ house. I said I’d like to quit the American Virginity Rat race. Went to the cabana (he says his mother is sick) and played John Wesley Hardin. Met his 15 yr old brother - taller but not as handsome. Toss admitted he’s a virgin too, but “we’re not protected.” Is mutual masturbation making love? I don’t know how to make it satisfying – I am not there yet. He admitted I was there to his father who drove me back. Awoke early to pack, grabbed a sandwich for breakfast. Our Icelandic flight cancelled (bomb threat) so we are flying Iberian. Used graduation money to call Toss at 3:30. He is such a darling. Truly and magnificently humble (unjustly scorned word.) Wrote him a 10-page letter.
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Alysse Aallyn
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