Sat. 10 Oct 81
A much better day. New Hope with Miriam – lots of beautiful things to look at (embarrassed myself at the bonsai store: woman asked me if I needed help and I said, “I need a loan so I can buy some of this stuff.”) But was finally able to find a wonderful store selling inexpensive Indian clothes that are perfect for maternity wear and I can take in when the baby is born. I need to feel beautiful & confident again; not deprived. “I can do it.” Yesterday Lois came to our Lamaze class and acted if it was all a personal insult directed at her. I feel so sorry (and embarrassed) for her sometimes. She’s not very flexible, that’s for sure. She made fun of the concept of “enjoyable childbirth.” I tried to explain instead it’s a rite of passage – needs to have some meaning. The first question you ask about football is not “does it hurt?” Even though it often DOES hurt! Kills people sometimes (and there’s ways to prevent that.” She doesn’t follow analogies. Some change taking place in me – not sure what. Burst into tears over Jaffee’s Adult Education: thinking, “At last a woman’s point of view is emerging.” Inspired, managed 600 words on novel. Must beard Toss about $. He won’t like it but we’ll see. Women as “conservationists ONLY” has been culturally horrific. I need a cleaning lady even if I have to sell my Computervision. Bored by Alice Ellis’ Birds of the AirI paint fanciful Pennsylvania Dutch designs on baby’s furniture. 14 Oct 81 Should pregnancy be this traumatic? Midwife says baby is enormous, could be twins. My blood pressure is too far up – need to rest an hour a day and meditate 15 mins. T seems to forget I’m pregnant when he screams about house. I told him he has to stop calling me an inadequate wife at least till Dec. Maybe I WAS unwise to get pregnant this fast but for me the time was right. I am now ready to write 6 romantic novels a year if that’s what it takes. Hideous silence from agent – God knows what Silhouette thinks of my proposal. 10:10 PM 15 Oct 81 Day started taking a turn for the better at Womens Group where one of the women gave me an exercise GUARANTEED to bring my blood pressure down. Worth a try. Now I’m re-reading The Book of Hopeand it’s striking me anew. Attack of crying after the mail came – no word from Silhouette of course – I re-examine my depression and 2 factors emerge. #1 what a fighter I’ve been – I’m still unresigned and I don’t seem to care about encouragement and #2 if depression is justified is it really depression? I mean, things are rough! In spite of that I got a lot done – 3 poetry contests entered. All I can do is continue to gamble on myself. Wrote to Mom: since I decided against diaper serv, would she give me the same $ for cleaning woman? Sat 17 Oct 81 Letter from Guilders rejecting me as an “exceptional student!” I was surprised and Ezra said it was outrageous and he will fight for me, but I told him who wants them if they don’t want me? They’re entitled to their opinion – I’ll find someplace where I’m appreciated. When he’s been so helpful I couldn’t just tell him I don’t like the type of fiction they teach there anyway! I think it’s primarily a place to find mentors. Mom astounded me by saying I have one of the sweetest natures she knew of! I wanted to say, then how come you treat me with cruelty & hostility but my sweet nature wouldn’t let me! I mean if that isn’t a declaration of “Let’s start over” I can’t think of one! So maybe she’s right. “Get strong” I think is the lesson here. T had 4 wisdom teeth removed – kept saying he wasn’t in pain but seemed jumpy & bothered. Couldn’t eat – his sudden frailty made me realize how much I love him. He decided not to go to the farm (thank God – I can’t keep up with the housework HERE much less there) so we went to the movies instead. (So Fine. Forgettable.) Trying to come to terms with the uncooperative nature of art. Even when I’m “approved of” it brings no satisfaction. There’s only the work itself. Continue struggling with Tarnished Vows– making it “different.” Asked the obstetrician if you can take a 3 wk old baby to the Bahamas. Of course I was certain he’d say yes! HE SAID NO – airports are full of diseases! The hell with him! I’m going! Grover’s Mill, NJ – 4:30 PM Tues 8 June 82 God! Hate to begin another book thusly but yet another day off undifferentiated awfulness. Up 4 times in the night to change Shane’s bed (he’s going without dipes because of awful rash) then breakfast at 6 – T off at 7:15. Readng in bed till 8 – then prepare S for playgroup at 9. Agonizing embarrassment at playgroup – just me & hostess – her 4 month old not ready to play with anybody. He & Shane just stared at each other; nobody else showed up. I brought some sewing so at least I had something to do but wouldn’t you know it hostess turned out to be Experienced Seamstress who could make up for her embarrassment by telling me how wrongly I was doing everything. She also told me how much she paid for her awful rug and how to make fennel tea for the baby’s gas. I could not get out of there fast enough. Forced myself to shop on the way home even though dozy. Of course baby – who slept in car – insisted on having the last word. Wrestled with him till 1. To my utter incredulity who should show up but Seth & Susie – I think I looked as appalled as I felt. They just wanted to enumerate Lois’ “awful”isms – I let them get away with it when what I should have said is, “You’re no prize yourself, Seth.” Then he got on the subject of Toss: “Thinks I’m a needler.” “Well you ARE a needler.” (It’s not a power position.) “But he’s condescending.” See? It’s defense, not offense – he and his mother are snapping back at a world that’s out to get them. A perfect pair of paranoids. Got rid of them because Shane obviously needed a nap but I think my cover’s blown. Seth knows I’m not on his side – God knows what Susie thinks. Think I can just avoid them for the next 3 yrs. My new friend Daisy calls every day – trouble with her husband. Possibly leading to a divorce. Wants me to hide Mark’s letters in my diaper bag. Need a vacation to get away from HER. House looks like cyclone hit it. Correcting 10 P a day was a pipedream! I have given up on the idea of a car – just have to hope every day that the Chrysler is working.
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28 Sept 81
Couldn’t get to Bradley class (I’m hedging my bets) last night because car broke down in Cranbury. Had to call a wrecker. Then the Chrysler wouldn’t start either. Had it towed to Reed’s. Faced with $150 gas bill and $180 elec bill – doesn’t seem possible. Plus the house is a mess and I have sciatica. T. walked to the station this am – luckily only a 20 min walk. Reading about Harold Nicolson’s “jobless” phase when no one liked him – I can identify. Working on poetry submissions for WatermarkI hear dogs bark – I stagger to the door in my torn caftan to see Miriam from women’s church group; baby on hip. She drinks coffee and tells me your private and marital lives are completely destroyed by children. Thanks! Also new way to clean kitchen floors. We set up a new date to go strolling in New Hope – she won’t have her kid and I won’t look like Godzilla goes to Oz. 5 Oct 81 Bad phone call with Mm – she acted like seeing a therapist is an admission that “something’s wrong with me.” Asked why – I made up a coherent reason – my crying jags. Realized after I should have said pregnancy. Every conversation seems to slam a door. Wolf’s wedding present was a black cat in severe need of some kind of vet treatment (eczema?) Taking him to vet then home to make dinner. T promised to stay home Thurs to help me clean. Feeling better abut our midwife. I’m sure I made the right decision even though Lois is trying to scare me about “lack of anesthesia.” 7 Oct 81 This depressing red book! Bad session with Dr. James yesterday. She says numbing oneself to the pain leaves one in a drugged state without energy to break the deadlock. And yet I have to keep going. Dr. J thinks I deliberately chose writing because being ignored and rejected is just the way my parents treat me! “What am I trying to prove?” My natural optimism asserts itself – I don’t think I’m trying to prove anything! I’m not that involved with other people but with myself and my own capabilities. You can imagine what Dr.J says about that! According to her the world only exists to bring us to life. T. outside mowing. Housework is my #1 complaint right now. If I could jut get this place tolerable the next few weeks will be more bearable. 8 Oct 81 Forced myself to attend Womens’ Group after only 5 hrs sleep – I really enjoyed it. Miriam then asks me, “What are you doing next?” Stupidly I said, “Nothing” and she said, “Me, too, let’s do it together.” We visited the Lamplighter where I bought a couple of CS Lewis paperbacks and a book on the Inklings. I invented an after lunch apt so the whole day wouldn’t be blown but I find myself disliking her. She’s exhaustingly competitive. She wants to complain about her husband and she wants me to complain about my husband. I have plenty of complaints about T – he probably has just as many about me – but why repeat them? It just solidifies them when I feel the whole situation could change over night. She was pretty shocked that we don’t have insurance. The midwife is $500 but what about complications if I have to go to the hosp? Not my favorite subject for discussion. (She says a Caesarean is $4000!.) Came home and immediately fell into a deep sleep – woke up just in time to get T and now I’ve set him to making a soufflé. He had bad news on his day – he and L had lunch with Pres of the local civic assoc who is going to fight them on parking. He wants to force them to build fewer units. T. also upset about L’s close-mouthedness about her financial status – she had two margin calls last month! He’s been up front with her about his. Now she wants to use the architect as a straw man to buy two more buildings but T wants to develop the one they’ve got. Conflict. He suspects her of “borrowing” Mother Louise’s money which she’s technically not supposed to do. 10:30 PM– Devastated. Over dinner (my salad and his very respectable soufflé) T. very critical of how poorly I keep this place – how little I do. I tried talking about the danger to our love of these kinds of fights – got nowhere. Now he’s driven off to Hightstown. I don’t recover from these things as fast as he does. I have tremendous faith in our future. Maybe I should try to get him in to see Dr. James. Or she could suggest someone who’s a stranger to us both. Fri 9 Oct 81 Terrible nightmare because of our fight – T throwing all our furniture out of the house, me fleeing to a motel. Got lost, came home and crawled in through the garage window to find the place burgled. Loneliness, confusion, desperation. He apologized thoroughly and sincerely. I really need the 11thhr cavalry – good news about my career – but I’ve forgotten what it feels like. If I finished MFA could teach writing. 12:50 AM Sun 20 Sept 81
Hard day in NYC with Mom & Dad – when they heard my agent wants me to write a romantic novel they immediately began arguing on her side!!! If I had said I was GOING to do it they would have attacked me! “How long would it take?” “Wouldn’t it be worth it to get out from under?” Then it was T’s turn to be grilled about his & Lois’ newly incorporated Faircross: “it can’t work.” Our unborn baby referred to as “another mouth in line for the swag.” Then they invited us to the Bahamas. T. was polite but handled it well. I could see he was offended. Afterwards he told me he didn’t WANT to go to the Bahamas but I DO. What other chance will I get? MY SISTERS ARE GOING! T wants me to promise him never to ask my Dad for money again. (That would suit my Dad!) But there’s a problem. At least SOME OF IT is my money – they keep laying it aside in my name “for tax reasons” but they don’t give it to me to manage because I would spend it. (Which I would.) Toss gets to manage his own money and Faircross is what he’s doing with it. Deciding how to spend it is the whole point. Till then it’s Poor Little Rich Girl. According to their own statements they have 2 months to give me $4000. 1:10 PM– T leaves with our housework half done – has to go to Phila to tell Iphigenia she can’t be part of Faircross. She has the track record but not the cash. I’m going to finish and then hit my new, entirely cynical romance Tarnished Vows. I’ve got a whole series planned in my head called The Double Standard elucidating – guess what? If I wrote 5 of them I could make $40,000. Can always use a pseudonym. Last night’s Lamaze made me feel ebullient – confident – ready to go at any moment. Wash Weasel & brush Dixie. 22 Sept 81 Black depression. Hasn’t been this bad since summer – maybe I should schedule an apt with Dr James. Silhouette & Harlequin sending me such bad books and unrealistic editorial demands I can’t make myself go to the mailbox. Paradise Postponed made every mistake there is and they are offering it up as a model. So – anybody rather than them. Can’t wait to be my own publisher! The hell with all of them! T missed the 6:30 and isn’t coming till 9 PM and I need the comfort of his presence. Suffering through the letters of Hemingway won’t help. I need Trollope to cheer me up. StormFall Farm, Fri 25 Sept 81 Sitting before a sluggish fire – T off on a tractor buying expedition with his Dad. Gives him a feeling of belonging. Sutton not accepting the Faircross idea – thinks T should go with a firm. Calls Lois a “terrorist.” Let’s hope she’s that way only with her husband. Finished Symons’sPoeand tackling M Gordon’s Final Payments. Uncle Avery drunk dialed T twice last night – kept calling Sutton “Your brother.” “No, he’s your brother.” “Well, who am I?” Who indeed? Bad Ionesco play. He tortures himself both for having inherited money and for being too poor! There’s more than one double standard. T expects to feel completely different when he’s a father himself. Got a new poem Heloise & Abelard: from the Flame to the Flame. From the Flame to the Flame Heloise to Abelard Master my Brother; Father Confessor; my all You see before you a nun An abbess in fact Silent antiphon of grace that closing Octaves of silence. I had rather be your whore. Slut, jade, poule What sweets! Relish those words as I relished Blows you struck like kisses. Five, like Christ I counted them. You sir, my midwife failed To cut the cord yet You delivered me. Satan wormed your root; left Me whole but empty. Today I’m cinque-cut You’re a smooth stockade. I took the veil Mistook it Impetuous as you took me Masquerading like the time We stole from uncle’s house In holy guise. Took the veil as Jason’s wife donned A wedding dress She never could remove; it burned Her flesh as cerements cremate me. You denied me thrice, False Peter Though I would crawl to Bethany to earn A word. The grave Is not so silent as you are. Yes, I’ve chatted up the dead These many times. Master, cousin, lover Slave – we are bound. Closer to you than that holy tattoo you wear As if it became you. When you die I’m the blood that courses From your veins The centime on your eyes The empty scabbard left Between your thighs The last escaping sigh I. I was struggling with Miss Foulke and came across an earlier version. Suddenly it all came together. A great reason to never throw anything out. |
Alysse Aallyn
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