Sat. 10 Oct 81
A much better day. New Hope with Miriam – lots of beautiful things to look at (embarrassed myself at the bonsai store: woman asked me if I needed help and I said, “I need a loan so I can buy some of this stuff.”) But was finally able to find a wonderful store selling inexpensive Indian clothes that are perfect for maternity wear and I can take in when the baby is born. I need to feel beautiful & confident again; not deprived. “I can do it.” Yesterday Lois came to our Lamaze class and acted if it was all a personal insult directed at her. I feel so sorry (and embarrassed) for her sometimes. She’s not very flexible, that’s for sure. She made fun of the concept of “enjoyable childbirth.” I tried to explain instead it’s a rite of passage – needs to have some meaning. The first question you ask about football is not “does it hurt?” Even though it often DOES hurt! Kills people sometimes (and there’s ways to prevent that.” She doesn’t follow analogies. Some change taking place in me – not sure what. Burst into tears over Jaffee’s Adult Education: thinking, “At last a woman’s point of view is emerging.” Inspired, managed 600 words on novel. Must beard Toss about $. He won’t like it but we’ll see. Women as “conservationists ONLY” has been culturally horrific. I need a cleaning lady even if I have to sell my Computervision. Bored by Alice Ellis’ Birds of the AirI paint fanciful Pennsylvania Dutch designs on baby’s furniture. 14 Oct 81 Should pregnancy be this traumatic? Midwife says baby is enormous, could be twins. My blood pressure is too far up – need to rest an hour a day and meditate 15 mins. T seems to forget I’m pregnant when he screams about house. I told him he has to stop calling me an inadequate wife at least till Dec. Maybe I WAS unwise to get pregnant this fast but for me the time was right. I am now ready to write 6 romantic novels a year if that’s what it takes. Hideous silence from agent – God knows what Silhouette thinks of my proposal. 10:10 PM 15 Oct 81 Day started taking a turn for the better at Womens Group where one of the women gave me an exercise GUARANTEED to bring my blood pressure down. Worth a try. Now I’m re-reading The Book of Hopeand it’s striking me anew. Attack of crying after the mail came – no word from Silhouette of course – I re-examine my depression and 2 factors emerge. #1 what a fighter I’ve been – I’m still unresigned and I don’t seem to care about encouragement and #2 if depression is justified is it really depression? I mean, things are rough! In spite of that I got a lot done – 3 poetry contests entered. All I can do is continue to gamble on myself. Wrote to Mom: since I decided against diaper serv, would she give me the same $ for cleaning woman? Sat 17 Oct 81 Letter from Guilders rejecting me as an “exceptional student!” I was surprised and Ezra said it was outrageous and he will fight for me, but I told him who wants them if they don’t want me? They’re entitled to their opinion – I’ll find someplace where I’m appreciated. When he’s been so helpful I couldn’t just tell him I don’t like the type of fiction they teach there anyway! I think it’s primarily a place to find mentors. Mom astounded me by saying I have one of the sweetest natures she knew of! I wanted to say, then how come you treat me with cruelty & hostility but my sweet nature wouldn’t let me! I mean if that isn’t a declaration of “Let’s start over” I can’t think of one! So maybe she’s right. “Get strong” I think is the lesson here. T had 4 wisdom teeth removed – kept saying he wasn’t in pain but seemed jumpy & bothered. Couldn’t eat – his sudden frailty made me realize how much I love him. He decided not to go to the farm (thank God – I can’t keep up with the housework HERE much less there) so we went to the movies instead. (So Fine. Forgettable.) Trying to come to terms with the uncooperative nature of art. Even when I’m “approved of” it brings no satisfaction. There’s only the work itself. Continue struggling with Tarnished Vows– making it “different.” Asked the obstetrician if you can take a 3 wk old baby to the Bahamas. Of course I was certain he’d say yes! HE SAID NO – airports are full of diseases! The hell with him! I’m going! Grover’s Mill, NJ – 4:30 PM Tues 8 June 82 God! Hate to begin another book thusly but yet another day off undifferentiated awfulness. Up 4 times in the night to change Shane’s bed (he’s going without dipes because of awful rash) then breakfast at 6 – T off at 7:15. Readng in bed till 8 – then prepare S for playgroup at 9. Agonizing embarrassment at playgroup – just me & hostess – her 4 month old not ready to play with anybody. He & Shane just stared at each other; nobody else showed up. I brought some sewing so at least I had something to do but wouldn’t you know it hostess turned out to be Experienced Seamstress who could make up for her embarrassment by telling me how wrongly I was doing everything. She also told me how much she paid for her awful rug and how to make fennel tea for the baby’s gas. I could not get out of there fast enough. Forced myself to shop on the way home even though dozy. Of course baby – who slept in car – insisted on having the last word. Wrestled with him till 1. To my utter incredulity who should show up but Seth & Susie – I think I looked as appalled as I felt. They just wanted to enumerate Lois’ “awful”isms – I let them get away with it when what I should have said is, “You’re no prize yourself, Seth.” Then he got on the subject of Toss: “Thinks I’m a needler.” “Well you ARE a needler.” (It’s not a power position.) “But he’s condescending.” See? It’s defense, not offense – he and his mother are snapping back at a world that’s out to get them. A perfect pair of paranoids. Got rid of them because Shane obviously needed a nap but I think my cover’s blown. Seth knows I’m not on his side – God knows what Susie thinks. Think I can just avoid them for the next 3 yrs. My new friend Daisy calls every day – trouble with her husband. Possibly leading to a divorce. Wants me to hide Mark’s letters in my diaper bag. Need a vacation to get away from HER. House looks like cyclone hit it. Correcting 10 P a day was a pipedream! I have given up on the idea of a car – just have to hope every day that the Chrysler is working.
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Alysse Aallyn
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