Party Castle – 3 Feb 79 11:30 AM
We did it – moved in though nothing is organized yet. My study is the nicest room in the house – a whole wall of huge windows – sunlight always blazing in. I covered the walls with my pictures and they fit perfectly – leaving one wall empty for a big corkboard. Guess who showed up to help us move? Ryder! He brought his “girlfriend”, a huge bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a large bottle of Irish Mist. Girlfriend a shocker – little nursy mousebird of a woman! After all the hell he gave me, thisis who he ends up with. His sexual revolution is over – single shot fired. Went to see Corio play at Childe Harolde – he acted surprised to see me – introduced me to his date, Bev. I didn’t feel Bev is much of a threat – A says “She’s a hot water bottle.” I said, “I’m not giving up”. Zachary didn’t help move – so when he showed up for sex I sent him away. I was really annoyed – his excuse was he “wasn’t up to it.” Who is? Fortunately I have strong muscles. Carried a gold velvet sofa practically on my head. Mon 5 Feb 79 Moments of pure joy while painting my bedroom shelves. Soadoring Sylvia Plath. Closer Look at Ariel& Letters. Her letters burst with plans, lists & preparations – like this diary. That’s how it goes. Feeling capable, independent – maybe even rewrite Gift. There is pleasure to be had even at the start of a journey with no apparent end. Back on my Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner diet. Feel house will be ready Sunday. Party? 8 Feb 79 Plush Palace Surprise today - Usher Glayne came in to see me dance. Curtsied low and slow. I felt intimidated by him but he said he liked many poems I’d read. Struggling with Boston Adventure– Me no likey. I’m on p. 300 and if there’s a novel in this mess I can’t find it. 8PM Mon night 12 Feb 79 Snowed all night – didn’t feel guilty about calling the Plush Palace and saying I couldn’t make it. Used the time well – finished my study. It is perfect. Bedroom almost done – must unscramble my jewelry in order to put it away. Great having laundry in-house – I am washing all my costumes. I give up on Boston Adventure. To think a critic compared her to the Brontës. Well they did have unfunctioning ovaries and the English language in common. Marc called – he will be in town and wants to have lunch at the Capitol. Which I would love to do. Told him I took his advice and bought a house. Roll my eyes while he complains about his life. Maureen is never here so we hardly see her. And she’s very neat, so far sharing a bathroom is no problem. Recovering from my bout of restlessness, I managed two pages. But it was too hot to work up here last night (I can’t control the heat.) Tomorrow buy fan. Usher called. He wants to be “friends”. Queens Chapel Rd – Wed 14 Feb 79 At last a comment from an agent who likes Blood Memory. We now have one agent who likes it, one who didn’t, one close relative who likes it and two who didn’t, one lover who likes it (and two who didn’t.) I wish she would start a “sell job” with me but she’s just “dying to talk with me about it.” In other words, how crazy ARE you? Depends on the day of the week. A. just phoned – invited me downstairs for an omelet. I said no. Fasting today. (I like being somewhere the kitchen is not.) Later we’ll go out and try to find a pair of emerald pants for me to see my new agent in. This is one of the ways A and I make do with living together – we respect each other’s privacy. Yesterday at work who should be second dancer but Yvonne! We had so much fun catching up. She’s still dancing at Mother Joe’s, but needs all the work she can get. I feel a perverse satisfaction in the fact that even amazingly talented, flaming beauties can’t seem to make it out of life’s junk pile. Her ex, whom she quit dancing for, went out with an “all nude” dancer the night after they broke up! A friend of Ryder’s came into the bar – I pretended not to recognize him. I’m sure he’ll be running back with the story. Dreamed I had open lesions in my face and you could see right through them. Reading Greene’s The Human Factor. 2 PM 15 Feb 79 – Thurs Sleeting out.Feeling restless the way I do before I write a new book. Hauled out Bride & Wolvesfor a rewrite – tremendously impressed with my own talent! Development always was my problem (as in life). Greene’s Humanhas an odd, unfinished feel. Reviews did not prepare me for it in the least. I think they reviewed Greene rather than his book. More impressed by Margot Ruddock’s letter to Yeats in Ah, Sweet Dancer (which could be retitledUh Oh, Dirty Old Man.) She compares the “fickleness” of men to the fickleness of God! Can’t blame her if God insists on being male. Read Howatch’s Call In the Night as a purgative. Going to see Country Wifetonight at U. Of Md. Usher sent me strange Valentine collage of Playboy photos, couples kissing, etc. A says “I give up on him. It’ll be a miracle if he can ever say what he wants.”
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Tues 16 Jan 79
A call from the real estate agent – we can move into the Queens’ Chapel Road house Feb 1 if we want to because that’s when they’ll be out. We’d only have to pay them one-month rent. A and I looked at each other and immediately said “yes”! Woohoo! Rushed off to Wendy’s for celebration dinner – note we chose a cheapplace. It will be that way from now on. Called Mom and Dad in Trinidad to tell them. Dad sounded very dejected and gloomy like we are completely crazy and certain to be old maids on his tab forever now. Sunday Zachary and I went to Ellicott City. We were coming out of Cocoa Lane (he paid) when we met an old friend of Zachary’s - Corio - singer for the Bills Blues Band. Gorgeous. I stuttered and quivered like an infant. I may have to do something about this powerful attraction. He gave me his card. A listens to call-in shows all the time and she says women are sick of being penalized for making the first move. Men say they “want it” but usually that’s an absolute lie. So how can I make this guy think he’s making the first move? Puzzler. Z needed to score some dope so we parted company. Corio is playing Childe Harold’s next month so maybe I will see him there. Plush Palace 11:15 PM Two doubles in two days. My father’s right, I’m off my head. Can’t keep doing this to myself. Drive from one club to the other in full makeup wearing only a gold lamé cover-up in rush hour traffic. God knows what the drivers think I do for a living but I can imagine. Ronnie says J was in asking for me! Alvera dancing tonight – she says I’m her favorite person to dance with. Sigh. Feels like home. Famous poet – Usher Glayne - came in tonight – I recognized him from party at the Folger Shakespeare Library (we both read). Shyly introduced myself. He gave me his card told me to send him something. Who would expect to see a beautiful man like this in a sleazy trap like the Plush Palace? Reading Crazy Sundaysabout Fitzgerald in Hollywood. Ten days till we move into new house. Need sleep badly. Maybe buy Quaalude from Maureen. Castle – Fri Jan 26- 79 –5:30 PM Halfway through my double – pacing myself – still feel fine. Reading Published in Paris. Obnoxious guy in tonight calls himself Spewey Suckman – says he knows Zachary. No I do not wish to spend my evening chatting – but he does tip well. Discovered that my phone’s been unplugged for days so I fantasize about all these men - Jervaze, Usher Glayne, Zachary, Don trying to reach me. Maureen veryexcited about moving in with us – A and I each get 2 bedrooms (a bedroom and a study) and she gets one (but it’s a big one). She and I will have to share a bathroom (there’s two on the first floor) but we’ll survive. Just had the most fascinating conversation about sex with Roulette. If I hadn’t drunk two glasses of wine I’d understand it better, but if I hadn’t drunk two glasses of wine I wouldn’t be having it in the first place. She says her son’s penis is so huge she got embarrassed at his wrestling match. She also wants to discuss the clitorises of bisexual females – she’s convinced they’re bigger. I really couldn’t say. Jervaze is getting married – that’s the latest - his brother set it up – so he brought in the bottle of wine and we’re all taking swigs. That’s my excuse for drinking on the job. “Long time girlfriend from Alabama.” I suppose this is my fault for being so discouraging about him living with me. We are just at different stages, I guess. I wished him well. Cross him off my list (sigh.) Feel this leaves my sexual eggs bouncing around in a single basket – an unsafe place for them, in my experience. A and I toured the house. I hadn’t fully appreciated the yucky white paneling but the carpets are good and the place is spotlessly clean. Kitchen huge, yard very nice (gas grill and “workshop”.) Exciting! My bedroom and study painted lime and emerald green with matching shag carpet. I can work with that. Mon 29 Jan 79 Castle 7:30 PM J. came by. Kind of broke my heart he was so loving and tender with me. He said he wanted to come Wed and help us move. Nice of him. Zachary’s also coming. That could be fun. J. says his fiancée feels I’m “no threat to their relationship.” She must be from another planet. But possibly I can control myself. It’s always dangerous to tell me I can’t have something. Old home week for boyfriends. Marc Kramer called and said his “Official Girlfriend” found my valentine and “got upset”. In my recollection it wasn’t very incriminating. A and I trying to scrape together $120 to pay for oil in fuel tank –its always the bills you don’t expect that sink you. Tonight I’m working with Gaysha, Indonesian law student, and Phoebe. Don came in wearing a Bill Blass suit. Boring crowd. I’m wearing my feathers for fun – got one $40 tip. I think changing costumes helps keep the crowd awake. The really drunk ones think I am a different dancer they haven’t tipped yet. Tasha came in on her night off. Her boyfriend drives a dump truck. She wanted to show off her new flowing weave, rabbit coat and picture of her Eldorado. They are a pair. Boston to Rockland shuttle 11:45 AM Fri Dec 22
Thank God I brought this diary in my purse. Bad flight feels like Week 7 of the flu and I need something to take my mind off stomach. Love people-watching at the Downeast Gate – there’s a novel in that all by itself. This flight goes straight up the coast. A is sleeping in the co-pilot’s seat – let’s hope she doesn’t have to assume the controls. She is trying to get a march on the insomnia she always gets around parents. We just missed Genevieve and Brett – they put 2 planes on this flight and they must be on the other one. Christmas Day Enmeshed in a family that’s not even close to changing age old patterns. Listening to Christmas music by the Oberlin Choir and roasting chestnuts. As always, food preparations take a disproportionate amount of time – one might as well just surrender and become a restaurant prep chef. Family “scene” caused this time by me – I objected to Dad making the two older daughters executors – I guess that makes me and A “executees”? He says you can’t have four executors. A likely story. Well I felt I had to lodge a formal protest but of course it didn’t change a thing. Plush Palace – midnight – Fri 29 Dec 78 Merrill and Julian came to watch me dance. I think they were interested. Don The Lawyer came and sat at their table – he behaved himself. Good evening for tips. Don asked me out Wed – I explained I have a lot of demands on my time – just about to double my working schedule to buy this damn house – so it doesn’t look good. He passed that test by taking this news calmly. Catching up on dancers - Jerrilee’s pregnant, Fatima’s new boyfriend is obviously an ethnic gangster. (Armenian I’m guessing.) Jerrilee tried dancing at a club in DC where the girls “make lots of money” but just in tips– they have no salary. Rotten. I need extra hours but won’t audition there – prefer the protections offered by The Great Commonwealth of Virginia . Plush Palace – 7:30 PM Tues 2 Jan 79 Horrifying letter from Scott Meredith demanding money to read my novel. His form letter didn’t acknowledge mine in which I said I was already the author of one book but went on and on about “unpublished writers new to the business.” They obviously didn’t even read my letter. My father said, “Maybe he knows what he’s doing since he’s Norman Mailer’s agent” but I wrote back and said non merci. Auditioned at The Country Fair – they offered me $100 each three x a week. Call for my schedule. So that’s set. They have a good stage plus a barre and a pole. Haven’t seen a barre since Shalimar. Zachary unfortunately back from New York and in a mood to party. Claims to have provided drugs to SNL. Reads my novel and says it’s not commercial enough. I’m sure he’s right, which doesn’t cheer me up at all. Said it’s too brief - needs development which is also probably true. Trying to write a poem about funerals called Treading Pasture. Bad, bad, bad. Reading Tillie Olsen’s Silences and that’s not cheering me up either. Party Castle 11:15 AM Mon 8 Jan 79 I think I like this place better than Plush Palace or Country Fair. The dancers are totally uninterested in their jobs – they are all busy being college students, musicians and models – they rush in, rush out, spend their time studying and on the phone and offering me cash to finish their sets. Fine with me. It’s very restful not having to make friends. I called J’s brother – he’s due Thurs. Probably the worst thing about this place is the commute – I need to take Rock Creek Parkway and sometimes it goes one way and sometimes it goes the other way. An unwary person could end up in a head on collision. The stage is way better than Plush Palace but the dressing room way worse – a miniature chamber behind the potato bins – très très Colette. With me tonight are Phoebe, ex-stewardess with a degree in languages and Tasha, very silent black fashion model. She is gorgeous. Costumes are not big here – the idea is to wear one g-string all night – pasties small as possible. Contac really works – has totally drained my sinuses but also made me very thirsty – I am drinking gallons of water which I am afraid will make me visibly sweat. (Then pasties slide off and the woman from the Alcohol & Tobacco Task Force rushes forth with ticket.) Got my MS back from Scott Meredith. Zachary came to see me dance in the new club. We had a tender moment on how tough and insensitive the world is – he is having a bitching time with his new band – wants to go solo but feels that will never get anywhere. The truth is its tough to go it alone. Everybody thinks Gif tis “unfinished’ – which – horrors – means I have to do more. The dog to her vomit. Absolutely NOT fun. I want to start something totally, totally new. I suppose barfing and re-barfing is what separates the sheep from the goats – but which do I wantto be? There’s the fun of wandering around blindfold trying to imagine what you are touching or there is the disillusionment of taking it off and seeing you’re locked in the Same Old Basement. I think Buck has found another girlfriend. I am rather relieved to be let so painlessly off the hook – of course I miss the great parts of our relationship. But it was starting to get unmanageable along with everything else. At least with Zachary I can level with him about my life. Tonight’s reading: Margaret Millar whether I like her or not – and I don’t like her. Ordered a book on depression through the mail. Need all the help I can get. GiGi came in tonight – probably to gloat over my exhausted dancing. Even people who love it inevitably do too much. She’s enjoying being a trophy wife. She says. Thurs night – Plush Palace – Nov 9 -78
Working tonight with Roulette and Jerry – wonderfully hilarious old hands. We laugh until we fall over. “How Deep Is Your Love“ is throbbing through the walls, Maureen’s got me in a costume-trading whirl and Roulette is so heavily into the Jack Daniels she is showing everyone pictures of her dog. (A Doberman. Who looks exactly like every other Doberman I have ever seen.) Suddenly I’ve acquired a whole new dancing wardrobe. But will it make me a new person? That’s what I want to know. With a view to listening to Marc Kramer for once in my life because he’s rich and I’m not Avril and I went house-hunting. The trigger was a wonderful broken down old house in College Park (complete with white pillars) so I called to ask the price. Real estate agent sucked me effortlessly in, entering into our quest with gusto. I am almost 29 years old and although I don’t make much money – apparently I make enough. The house was hopeless. It needs $50,000 on the roof alone. But the agent has plenty othersto show us. Bizarro letter from Ryder. He said “after that visit I thought you’d never trust me again” and “I bow down to you.” Which visit? The one where I allowed him to give me a massage? I refuse to ask which is what he wants me to do. He is just needled that I have so obviously given up on him. Why am I attracted to these weirdos? I know the problem between us is that I want a mutualrelationship and he wants a pack animal. I want to be with the person I love and “love” makes him want to run away (because it makes him feel “out of control”). But where is the fun in telling him this? He couldn’t use the maze clue even if I gave it to him. So I write a short note telling him I’m busy with Zach and Buck. That should fix his jealous wagon. I didn’ttell him about the hours of sexual bliss Buck and I shared last night! Buck is warming up nicely – invited me to his parents house for the weekend – they will be away. Unfortunately he snores horribly – sounds like he’s strangling. A by-product of motorcycle racing. Needs that cartilage cleared out with a vacuum hose. Trying to read Rumer Godden’s Breath of Air. Boring and unctuous. Put it down for Dear Scott/Dear Max, which is of course delightful. Mon 13 Nov 78 Busted, wasted day. A called to borrow $90 so she can pick up el Diablo from Courtesy Motors – fortunately I had it so we went to bank, then car dealer. Then I tried to get an oil change but they don’t do Fiats. Took long enough to tell me they don’t have the right wrenches. Real estate agent phoned to say I qualify for special FHA loan. I had to call my landlord because apparently I don’t have heat. A is having lots of trouble with Brady who is alternately aggressive and suicidal. I think he is more trouble than he’s worth but admit he has verypretty, long, long thighs. He and Buck went to high school then trade school together – Buck exhibits a grisly picture of them at their prom with their dates. B’s date is his soon to be ex wife. Buck was also B’s best man but I was spared those photos. Zachary asked me out next Fri night but I’d rather be with Buck – but if he doesn’t ask me in time I’ll tell him I’m ”going out with the girls.” That’s what he tells mehe does; “goin’ out with the guys” - so presumably this is an OK excuse. If he says what girls I’m in a bit of a pickle. But I’m a writer – I‘ll invent some. It can’t be anyone he knows. Fortunately he has no idea what a hermit I really am. Still stuck in the childhood of my novel. Can’t wait for them to grow up. Re-read Le Ble en Herbewhich helped a lot. (Aaaahhhhh…Colette!) Off to Crown Books with A – then White Flint Mall for Christmas shopping – had coffee at The Perfect Cup. Nice outing. I bought wonderful rhinestone cat’s eye glasses. Saw Bergman’s Autumn Sonata– moving. Mon 27 Nov 1:35 PM Time to write in this neglected diary while waiting to have my snow tires mounted. This threatens to blow my entire day. They also had to replace a fuse that apparently blew in the middle of a rainstorm so that my wipers stopped working. Visit with Mom and Dad very touchy. (They are staying with Peter’s mother Rita and everyone’s slightly angry I’m not dating him and I can’t say its because he’s having a Secret Relationship.) Mom casually accepted an invitation for all of us to go out to dinner on a night I was going out with Zachary, so I said I would have to invite him and got a tirade on my thoughtlessness. Then I pointed out she was the thoughtless one assuming Ididn’t have any plans. She apologized, I apologized. It blew over. Then Avril had the nerve to ask Rita if she could smoke – Mom exploded just as if it were herhouse. (Rita said No. She’s trying to quit.) M & D piled on me - I’m insane to contemplate buying a house – even ifthe mortgage would only cost what rent already costs. Their real objection is that I might “choose wrong” – somehow encumber myself with a property that will make me even lessattractive (if thatwere possible) to A Decent Man. Not even dragging in Marc Kramer’s sacred name helped at all. Dad did come see a few houses with us. (We’ve seen 16 so far.) He had to admit it isn’t a bad deal as long as I can get that FHA loan. Zachary behaved very well around M and D – the “Official Boyfriend”– but of course he owed me. Fortunately the evening was over before they could find out too much about him (or he offered them drugs) so his cover wasn’t blown. Conversation at dinner very boring. Psychology 101. “Why don’t people say what they want?” “Why don’t people try to get what they want?” “Why do people lose interest in what they say they want?” (Rita’s going through her third divorce.) Since no one seems the least bit interested in the complexities of achieving Actual Gratification by attempting to mesh one’s constantly evolving desires with those of someone else I can only shake my head sagely and flee at the first opportunity. Mom and Dad actually tackled these questions and struggled with them like a pair of marriage counselors. The truth is Rita’s ex has found somebody else and she shouldn’t be so surprised – they were both married when she hove onto his horizon. Got a very stoned phone call from Zachary last night – he was over at Rod’s and “something” was making him horny. (I’ll bet I can guess.) Fortunately I managed to convince him he was in no state to drive – leaving him prey to Rod, probably. Well, we all have to take our chances in this life. Saturday night with Buck unsatisfying – he claimed his non-breathing nose is preventing him from going down on me. I let him know his account is in arrears and he will have to do something about it sooner or later. He chose later and fell immediately asleep. So I left. I’m not sure I will ever get to Stage 2 with this guy. He made a point of tracking me down at A’s apt, calling to apologize. A and I saw 3 more unacceptable houses – but the real estate agent says there areplentymore. Fun to be in a buyer’s market for a change. Plush Palace – Thurs 2 Nov 78 8:30 PM
GiGi’s last night onstage. She is very down. Charlie is making her quit because “no wife of mine blah-blah-blah.” Eddy says she’ll be back: can’t find these perks in any other job. I am dancing well. Apparently no one but me realizes how fat I’ve gotten. Both a good and a bad day today. Worked hard on Giftand Drown– sending out query letters – took pkgs to post office only to be told a MS has to be boundto go mss rate. I made them look it up in the manual so I won’t have to go through this again. They treated me like this must be personal – I’m trying to “catch” them in mistakes – forgetting I’mthe customer entitled to service who doesn’t want to pay extra for no reason at all. And the book spells out what services I get – in case they forget. Apology letter from Tory: his girlfriend “out of line” to be so jealous during our paella dinner. She did seem strange but since she’s an artist I didn’t question. I respond with a short note saying I think my questions were just too personal for her ears so I really cannot blame her. Reading Edmund Wilson’s life like watching a slow motion car wreck – horrible man. 3PM Sat 4 Nov 78 Trouble bouncing back from the most recent rejection of Gift. Wouldn’t be so bad if I felt they actually read it. My agent says I’m like Mallarmé – trouble is, no one likes Mallarmé. My bank has charged me $24 for being $1.70 short on a check. They did the same thing to A – since she has a $6,000 savings account, she figures she’s paying them to lend out her money at 18% interest. And whoever you talk to turns out to be a computer. Buck and I are having a very interesting relationship. I can hardly believe it’s happening. There’s no bickering over unmet needs – it’s very restful. Sex could be a potentially explosive problem area – can’t tell yet – I think he’s a learner claiming a lot more experience than he’s got. There are definitely problems associated with having sex with a person who is obsessed with speed. My period started today and it seems cruel to task a beginner with this issue. At least Buck goes down nobly like Jacques Cousteau. But he’s not much of a talker. The most amusing aspect is how we’ve settled down socially –we have a lot of fun around other people. I am contemplating writing a story called The Official Girlfriendwhich will treat this from a sociological perspective. Tomorrow we are meeting his parents at a restaurant – I hope its dark in there because they are bound to think I am too old for him. Naturally we are keeping my job a deep dark secret – I have to be a “hostess” which really blows. A week from tomorrow he has another race – we’ll take a picnic. I love these outings. Plus A’s really getting along with Buck’s buddy Brady – definite prospects of a dating foursome. Unfortunately Brady left his wife like two minutes ago and is not what you’d call “fully detached” as yet. Fortunately no kids. Sun 11:15 PMBuck amazed me by confessing that every time before he sees me he is “sick to his stomach” with worry that he won’t come up to my expectations. I am a “high status date” and all his friends are waiting for him to stumble. But then when we’re together he says he just relaxes and we have a great time. I was really touched by this. It is nice that in the car mechanic’s world dating an exotic dancer is high status. I prefer that to being the Shameful Secret which I think I was in Rod’s world. Next week I’m supposedly seeing Zachary twice – haven’t told Buck – why am I doing this? Insurance? I think I don’t like Zachary. Am I competitive – is it just thrilling to see him come off the stage and touch me intimately? (Everyone’s jealous – the men as much as the women. Rod wants Zachary more than he wants me I think.) But actually I don’t likeZachary. The trouble with canceling is then it would be just Buck and me. Me and Buck. Going steady. 12:30 PM Mon 6 Nov 78 Bizarrely warm day. Had a wonderful time yesterday at Shadonna’s wedding. Buck wore a marvelous blue suit with blue suede patches. It was indescribable – sort of like country singer peformancewear, and with his wispy moustaches and his motorcycle boots I’m telling you he was a sight to behold. I wore my “slit to there” diamanté rainbow dress and we danced for hours. Nobody paid us any attention. We didn’t stand out at all, I’m telling you. Plush Palace – Tues – 9:35 PM 7 Nov 78 A said to me this afternoon, “My life is completely out of control and I don’t care.” She has to drive Brady to his in-laws to pick up his clothes today because his wife took the car. There’s bound to be a glorious, satisfying, soap opera scene with a lot of screaming and object throwing – just like there was the time she helped him extract his clothes from his wife’s apartment. On top of this Brady is apparently extremely jealous – in spite of the fact that he’s technically married and she isn’t. She is seriously thinking of inviting him to Thanksgiving because he won’t believethat she’s not secretly meeting a beau – or six! However, he showers her with love, attention and sexual worship so she says it’s worth every minute of it. Went out last night with Zachary – we had a sandwich and drink at Booeymonger’s and saw Animal House. He was driving his mother’s car. He is assembling a band called Prairie Dustand he’s in some kind of power struggle with the lead singer who is female. He needs to be the prettiest person in any band. He says Rod – playing Daddy Big Bucks – foisted her on him. Because Rod works in radio and is paying for the tape mix he has Zachary right where he wants him. (She is a fantastic singer.) He might just get his wick dipped after all. Following the movie I finally met the parents – now that there’s no point in it. Got along like a house on fire with his Dad because I knew all the obscure Giraudoux plays he had framed posters of on his wall. I quote: “And the sewers will be fragrant with jasmine…” was my line in Madwoman of Chaillot. I could tell I was a considerable cut above the street people and space chicks Zachary usually drags home. They must be worried as hell that he’s gay – his room is full of what can only be described as pinup pictures of himself. Little do they know it’s worse than that – he’s into anything that would be into him. Bestiality would be honestly appraised on its merits. “Is it a good looking chicken?”) House full of unbelievably beautiful, unbelievably uncomfortable furniture – striped satin Empire sofas – stained glass windows – wrought iron candelabras – that sort of thing. His mother very wary – fiercelyCatholic – thin with a long blonde pony tail and a long horsey face – but actually quite intelligent and attractive. Zachary’s room is full of crosses and Gonzaga pennants – I should have realized this boy has all the earmarks of a man terminally mauled by priests. Parents frantic: when will he get a “real” job. College was such an unpleasant experience all shudder when it’s mentioned and no one’s willing to talk about it. I’m betting drugs were involved. Of course Zachary wanted to have sex in his narrow twin bed – right beneath the picture of “The Holy Father” (he doesn’t even have a lock on the door!) and I have to admit I found the Chabrol aspects of the situation arousing. He seemed to lose track of the fact that it was me– but his orgasms were more explosive than ever. So there I am again; “The Official Girlfriend.” Could I put an ad in the paper – some kind of specialized escort service? “Impress your friends –terrify your parents!” Buck doesn’t know about Zachary and since I don’t care who else Z does he must realize I’ve got a back burner – but the truth of it is that between the two of them they’re barely oneboyfriend. One is charming, affectionate, trustworthy and dumb as ditchwater; the other is upper class, complicated, interesting, artistic, totally untrustworthy (and most likely a male whore.) It’s a damn shame it has to get like this. I just don’t know how good at “keeping secrets” I can be. Need to go home and get some sleep. If have to go to Funkytown one more time tonight I won’t be answerable for the consequences. 1:45 PM Wed Nov 9 –78 I’m in need of a “carte d’identite” so I can look at it and figure out who I am. Read the first draft of The Speechlessand the accompanying comments of my college writing teacher. She bollixed it up. Her deconstructive destruction seems purposeful - I don’t believe she didn’t know how good it was. Can I save it? I know I should work on one thing at a time but apparently my mind doesn’t work that way. In the mail a letter from a publisher offering to read my poetry – for $50.00. Took me longer after that to sink to the necessary depth to get some writing done. And it still probably wasn’t any good. |
Alysse Aallyn
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