Mon 5 May 69 – Washington DC
Back in the hotel watching the news after a hard day’s vigilling. Channel 4 was true and almost sympathetic. I’ve got to admit we were an impressive bunch – well dressed youth as well as the wild ones & all ages. So far only one guy has been arrested (Ross Flanagan.) He wanted to be. Mom & Dad angry at him but that’s the only way he could handle his guilt. None of this is my bag, however. Longing for individual meditation, I eyeballed a fe passing Plumlyites. . Monster headache and the wind so dirty I had to take my contacts out. Just saw Daddy on Channel 9 saying it was biggest demo so far in Nixon administration. I feel we made a responsibly valid statement. Especially liked the march from Fla Ave Mtg to White House. Not much heckling. Avril’s trying to talk me into going back with her but I’m quite happy here reading & thinking about Kafka. Good hot bath: I’m lobster red. Now, about Skip. We saw I am Curious Yellow Thurs afternoon. Seemed witless. Sat afternoon we took off in the convertible (top down) eating strawberries in New Hope. Attacked by (very brief) and photogenic thunderstorm! I wanted to see the double feature at the Strand but neglected to discover the pictures had changed. Oh well. Ended up seeing The Knack and Marat/deSade made me much more passionate than Yellow ever could. I was the most tempted I’ve been. Of course I not only don’t love him, I couldn’t. Problem. We drove home after the movie all happy & tender. “I’ll make love if you want,” I said, thinking I was giving him a nice surprise. But noooooo. After making me repeat myself six r seven times, he refused me! Outrageous batting average I have. He said he doesn’t like time limits and he doesn’t want to do it outside. (But I wanted it right then!) He leaves in ten days and I don’t think we will ever be in the same mood at the same time. Next weekend my whole family goes sailing. JFK Mem Hwy, Maryland, 6 May 69 Beautiful part of MD not the usual poverty stricken side we drive thru on way to boat. Dad’s been having pains in his side that leave him breathless – had such an attack while meeting Kissinger. Uh oh. Dr. says he works too hard but he refuses any association of physical with mental stage. Says his “adrenals are swollen up like pumpkins.” Mom frets. Subject closed. I worry. Cancer? Heart? I made the mistake of offering to drive while he sat rigidly beside me yelling at other drivers and giving me orders until my “adrenals” were swollen up like pumpkins too and we were both panicked and sweaty. He says I drive like I think the road is going to end. I have no reason to believe it won’t. Where would I be without this book, inarticulate as it is? Crazy syntax a testament to the fact that I still feel & think as well as write & read. In the Bath Fri 9 May 69 – 11 AM Skip and I “attempted” something last night. Love? Sex? That’s what he called it but I wasn’t satisfied. He said he was tired so I let it ride but naturally I regret it. He goes about everything the wrong way. He’s so blond he has a lovely pale body but rounded thighs like a girl. He’s no Devon, but he is pretty. Makes me think of Jupiter statues – good body gone slightly to seed. Interview today at Circle in the Square. On the train – Rain. Edwardian dress, white stockings & glasses feeling ugly & hopeless. Picked up N Yorker at station to see what I was missing and decided to go on missing it. VERY depressing story about married life. Good article at least about Nicol Williamson’s Hamlet. He says he harder you try the worse you get. Woman sitting across from me has dead grass stuck on her shoes as though she dressed in the woods. Good image. Just coming into Newark. I’s really time to make a little MONEY. Man passing out religious pamphlets skips over me! Uh oh!
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2:00 AM 26 Apr 69
So relieved my natural aloofness kept me from throwing myself into a relationship with Skip just to forget Devon. What a disaster that would have been! We are so at odds and he is so bossy I can’t resist torturing him. He so enjoyed defeating me at chess with “fool’s mate” he was rolling on the floor laughing. It would be very bad to be in in any relationship with him where he had the money. By great good luck we are both broke so our natural selves emerge. Bad phone call with him. He can’t help striving for “the upper hand.” I’m in danger of stagnating unless I find some people who’ve already accepted the principles I’m grappling with. Same principle as always playing tennis with someone slightly better than yourself. Mon 28 Ap 69 1:45 AM Just finished Eliz Jenkin’s bio of Jane Austen – probably as good as we are ever going to get. Read Pride & Prejudice last week – I’d started it before (Genevieve liked it) but her style was a bit too polished for the likes of me. Not that G was old enough for it. She was thrilled about getting married at sixteen. NOT Jane’s goal! G. has always been worked up abut youthful marriage – she used to say she’d beat Merrill to the altar. I now like Jane’s narrow medium. Compare her to the Russians. Or the Czech filmmakers of today – struggling with social “requirements”. I don’t think Jenkins needs to defend Jane from the “cold-heartedness” insult – how could anyone believe that? What people don’t like is women who “plan”. We’re supposed to be “swept away.” Why Planned Parenthood has such a bad name. I’ll start Sense & Sensibility tomorrow. Eliz also wasted a lot of time insisting Jan took no characters “from life.” Bizarre. There’s nowhere else to take them from! Of course they might well be so mixed up – like puzzle pieces – the original is unrecognizable. Now thinking Devon won’t ever write. Isn’t it obvious? Gives me a depressed feeling, though. He’s too mercurial to be in charge of himself so a letter wouldn’t even reflect him. I actually have – “Don’t forget me, Alysse. I won’t you” on paper. A goodbye I guess. Good phone conversation with Skip. He revealed some unhealed sores – explains a lot. Aynsley’s Dad died yesterday. I wrote her a horribly awkward letter. I just hope my sincerity comes through. Feeling clear-headed about Plumly. Well, I’ve got an audition to prepare. Midnight 28-29 Ap 69 Been to NYC twice – already I’m getting blasé. They asked for a “comic” speech so I’m doing Mrs. Smith from The Bald Soprano. My serious piece is still Solange. She moves me deeply. Spent the entire eve sewing except for 45 min phone call with Skip. Saw Wild Strawberries – one of the finest films ever made. Unfortunately butchered on TV with bad dubbing and interminable commercials. But you can sort of see something in there. What a corrupt culture we truly are. In fact I’ve been in a bitchy mood all evening. I invited Skip to the anti-war rally – since he’s pro-war I don’t really want him to go. It’s a gesture. It won’t do him a bit of good and I hope he realizes it and it’ll keep me from meeting anybody else. Damn. Short note from Tom Watson encloses bad poem. Timid souls in darkness. Every generation aggressively shaking off the obsessions of the previous generation. I feel like somebody’s grandmother around these people!!! Began S & S. From what Eliz said I expected to like Marianne better but I preferred Elinor from the first. Marianne is just awful. I’m her grandmother, too. We all acted like that once – back in the days of emotional dishonesty & moral lethargy (plus intellectual cunning in Miss Wormrest’s case. Mom eager about her “Bible class” the Cadbury lectures. It’s almost pathetic. Brave step for a house slave, however. I heard her chattering to Atheist Daddy about them. I thought “She’s telling him she’s leaving him.” But no. Even though she cried about the “young ones” sitting worshipfully at his feet at Peace Committee. Nobody sitting at her feet. Mine, neither. Maybe Tom Watson if I gave him the least encouragement which I never ever will. Most of the friction in the household is between Mom and me – all my fault, completely. She fears my callous independence and knows I sneer at her way of life but I, too, like “being comfortable.” She’s got me there! I’d like to be more comfortable than I am! Maybe I should invite her to Montreal to see my audition so we could talk about it. NYC – 1:10 PM – 29 Apr 69 Dining on clam cocktail at the St Moritz hotel. In 30 mins I’ll call Dr Herzog again. Glad he’s running late. Don’t know why I’m letting myself get wrought up about this damn audition – I can’t go there – they’ll be falling into the ocean next year along with the rest of S California. My feet hurt and I’m tense as hell. But I do fee beautiful and I do feel competent Decide to do Ms. Smith in a singsong. 6:50 on train so please forgive this spastic handwriting. Finished S & S – actually liked t better than P & P! Jane’s sacrifice of character to action gets annoying – had enough of Col Brandon & his prissy flannel waistcoats. Edward Ferrars is a nothing, a blob and Lucy Steele is a Wicked Stepsister. But Elinor, Marianne and their mother are very interesting, also Robt Ferrars and John & Fanny. The pace is good. Wish Dickens could match it. I don’t see the “fairytale ending” Eliz is defending against here. And I think she handles passion very well. The Regency period is pretty disgusting anyway – a lot of insane moneygrubbing (see Balzac.) Bewitching book of the kind that makes me want to hit my typewriter. My audition? Very successful. We were both impressed. (Almost at Trenton). Now I can actually imagine attending the school and I couldn’t imagine it before. South St Station – waiting to be picked up. Too broke to get home by myself! But hoping they’ll be happy about my audition. 10:05 AM Hot bath Wed 16 Apr 69
Bleach myself clean. The most important thing I need these days is reassurance and I am definitely not getting it. Making out with Skip makes him very talky. “I just want to make you happy” etc. Trying to keep these segments of my life separate is not working. Fantasize about a child with Devon. Seems to mean no sex with Skip. 10:40 PM Thurs 17 Apr 69 Hair in curlers, beasts fed (my job) but my room looks like Nagasaki. Osmiroid can have their wretched pen. It leaks. I am LITERALLY an ink stained scrivener. Listening to my fave, Ravel’s Pavane for a Dead Princess. Mom is having a deleterious effect on me, sad to say. She bends so completely to Daddy. Our house is totally patriarchal. She may be cultivating a very Christian attitude of total acceptance, but it’s coming out like mush. She tries to defend and be “tolerant” of the establishment but when you ask why she isn’t more tolerant of the Why Don’t We Do It In the Road group she stiffens up fiercely. I tried telling her the Catholic Church is hopeless. It’s dead. “Oh there’s a lot of good things going on in the church right now,” she says vaguely, her eyes scanning the exits. She thinks she’s a humanitarian but she’s not even a Liberal, really. Many times Daddy’s trampling on Mom without realizing it because she refuses to take a position and hides her feelings until she explodes in tears. I think they can’t fulfill their love because she withholds vital knowledge of herself from him. Mom has taught me many things but I am Daddy’s daughter and she knows it. That’s why she’s always hassling me about my stubbornness and selfishness and dirty room. I am Daddy’s daughter more than Genevieve is and that’s exactly why it’s difficult for me & Dad to get along. Look at the number Mom’s done on Genevieve & Merrill! They try to get their fulfillment from merging with their husbands. I think it might work briefly when you’re young but for creative people it’s ultimately a mistake. In Liberation Jerry Rubin discusses the oppression of women, even in radical movements. I wonder how shocked these “revolutionaries” would be if they could only see they’ve been brainwashed by a generation of John Wayne movies. We may not be as physically powerful as men but when it comes down to planning and scheming we think in twelve dimensions. Most women are afraid of not being supported and they are afraid of not being loved. These threats mean nothing to a Free Woman. I am grateful to Mom for teaching me about That of God in Every Man (and woman, presumably.) Dad doesn’t believe that (he sneers at people who do) He only pretends it to get ahead. 4:30 AM Sun 20 Apr 69 Poor Skip! Just finished Potter’s 3-Upmanship borrowed from him. Listening to Hair – a lot more nourishment there. “How can people be so heartless? How can people be so hard? Easy to be proud…” I think Skip may be he most amoral person I’ve ever met. Taken at his word, he doesn’t give a damn about people. We’re so opposed we can’t even communicate. He’s adding up points while I’m trying to talk. I presume on the universality of my soul. He says everyone is born to be Betrayed and Disillusioned. He says he’s got the system figured out and it’s One Against the World. Life is nothing but Eternal Loneliness followed by Oblivion. I smell the scorch of despair. He and his five roommates are all searching for meaning I can tell. I tell him, even in defeat one can be happy. Conviction is actual magic. Everyone recognizes it. 11:12 PM Tues 22 Apr 69 Very satisfying talk on the phone with Skip. I was in a good mood to argue because I just finished a series of letters in Newsweek about their “Sex in the Arts” writeup, and I watched an interesting program on TV about university crises called Confrontation. “I have a bone to pick with you,” he said. Apparently he’s supposed to be studying for finals and all he can think about its me. So we argued about everything. Sex, war, aggression. I am pleased to see he’s at least ready to question his assertion that everyone’s “one up” or “one down.” Who wants such a relationship? I assured him my most important ally is him. But I can’t tell whether he’s receptive to my ideas because he’s in love with me or he’s in love with me because he’s receptive to my ideas. One Newsweek lady worried that if sex becomes “as common as chewing gum” her children will never know how special it is. To my mind, sex is intrinsically wonderful and doesn’t require mystification & sanctimony. I wish I could believe this disgusted housewife actually thinks sex is all that wonderful. Sounds like a “once in a blue moon” dame to me. (Because that makes it more Special.) I worry about people who say something’s too beautiful to talk about or put into art. Uh oh is all I can say. Skip offers to teach me chess. I was delighted because when I asked him before, he refused. 3:00 AM Fr 25 Apr 69 Manic with nervousness: biting my nails and eating, eating, eating. When can I sleep? Tennis tomorrow with Avril and I will look like (and possibly play like) a revenant. I keep thinking about Devon. He’s so weird! Isn’t he TOO weird? Isn’t it a bad sign that I’m still in love with someone this weird? I keep waiting for him to do something because I just can’t believe he won’t. Obviously his parents have his address But I really want to see what the hell he will do. I keep promising this diary I won’t talk about him again. My letters to him are so outdated they can’t be sent. Pathetic that I thought we’d have an epistolary relationship! Persuaded M & D to buy me a camera – a Pentax just like Toss’. Peace! 1:40 AM Thu 10 Apr 69
Merton is so right, but what does he DO about it? (Except when he said violence must be put down by force!) Skip called twice yesterday to apologize for getting mad at me Sun. Told him I understood. How can I go to sleep when I haven’t worked hard enough or thought hard enough? Must ask Avril to play tennis, or what’s the point of spring? 10 PM – Rained today. Almost didn’t get enough sleep and almost missed my train! Then Madame worked us to death till my feet are covered with blisters so I can barely walk. I SHOULD have missed my train! Audition I crutches. Otherwise I loved that class. Paranoid letter from a by at Franklin Marshall who got my name from Match. Tossup whether I should answer it. He says all talk of revolution is people trying to be hip. Should I take the bait? Also says fashion is “skin deep!” Really it’s not. But should I bother to tell him so? He’s a proponent of “tis too shall pass” which is true as far as it goes! Everything passes, all right! Except SOMETIMES the MAJOR effect we have on others! Avril says, “There are no absolutes.” We laugh! Hot bath for blisters. Sat 9 AM 12 Apr 69 Last night I felt real fondness for Skip. Why can’t I close my eyes and just PRETEND he’s Devon. He wouldn’t care if he didn’t know and he’d get really kissed! “I don’t love you,” Skip lectured bossily. So I couldn’t resist teasing him. Penn Sta NY 1:14 PM Horrible audition day. Butterflies. Desdemona then Solange. Then sing. Unless they want me to sing first in which case they will be sorry. Reading Bishop Pike in the train. Now I need to find the ladies’ room and just throw up quietly, thank you. I gave London a damn good audition and they hated me! Not think about that. Alas, poor Alysse. I knew her well. Mon: 3:10 PM – Chestnut & 16th – 14 Apr 69 Siting in the park being eyed by a young man with clipped brown hair, nice clothes and a face full of nervous twitches. Microbiology student? Or does he do unspeakable things to young girls in parks? I write busily & discouragingly. Wish I had a camera. Mother was very nice to Skip last night after weeks of referring to him as “that character.” But still her neck cords get all tight when she mentions him. I told her I was determined not to marry till I’m thirty. You’d think she’d like that but no. Avril says “I’m never getting married! I’m going to be a racecar driver!” Mom looked like she was going to burst into tears. I teased Skip about “converting” him from rocky Republicanism. He said he was afraid I’d “convert” him then “leave” him! Uh oh. No laughs there. Love doesn’t have to work out like a math problem. Skip asks me to visit him at Dartmouth this summer. Not likely. Finnegan’s Wake is literally unbearable. Struggling with a short story As I Weave My Winding Sheet. What this diary feels like! I do not bow to standards set by others. Picture Devon & Skip meeting at a party. More rain. Reading Yael Dayan’s Israel Journal but I can’t get to her through all the tanks and aerial maneuvers. Cucumbers and tea at 2 AM. Can’t seem to put these ink-stained fingers to sleep. I think it’s easier to be loved than people assume. One has only to love. This diary is full of boring things. |
Alysse Aallyn
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