1:40 AM Thu 10 Apr 69
Merton is so right, but what does he DO about it? (Except when he said violence must be put down by force!) Skip called twice yesterday to apologize for getting mad at me Sun. Told him I understood. How can I go to sleep when I haven’t worked hard enough or thought hard enough? Must ask Avril to play tennis, or what’s the point of spring? 10 PM – Rained today. Almost didn’t get enough sleep and almost missed my train! Then Madame worked us to death till my feet are covered with blisters so I can barely walk. I SHOULD have missed my train! Audition I crutches. Otherwise I loved that class. Paranoid letter from a by at Franklin Marshall who got my name from Match. Tossup whether I should answer it. He says all talk of revolution is people trying to be hip. Should I take the bait? Also says fashion is “skin deep!” Really it’s not. But should I bother to tell him so? He’s a proponent of “tis too shall pass” which is true as far as it goes! Everything passes, all right! Except SOMETIMES the MAJOR effect we have on others! Avril says, “There are no absolutes.” We laugh! Hot bath for blisters. Sat 9 AM 12 Apr 69 Last night I felt real fondness for Skip. Why can’t I close my eyes and just PRETEND he’s Devon. He wouldn’t care if he didn’t know and he’d get really kissed! “I don’t love you,” Skip lectured bossily. So I couldn’t resist teasing him. Penn Sta NY 1:14 PM Horrible audition day. Butterflies. Desdemona then Solange. Then sing. Unless they want me to sing first in which case they will be sorry. Reading Bishop Pike in the train. Now I need to find the ladies’ room and just throw up quietly, thank you. I gave London a damn good audition and they hated me! Not think about that. Alas, poor Alysse. I knew her well. Mon: 3:10 PM – Chestnut & 16th – 14 Apr 69 Siting in the park being eyed by a young man with clipped brown hair, nice clothes and a face full of nervous twitches. Microbiology student? Or does he do unspeakable things to young girls in parks? I write busily & discouragingly. Wish I had a camera. Mother was very nice to Skip last night after weeks of referring to him as “that character.” But still her neck cords get all tight when she mentions him. I told her I was determined not to marry till I’m thirty. You’d think she’d like that but no. Avril says “I’m never getting married! I’m going to be a racecar driver!” Mom looked like she was going to burst into tears. I teased Skip about “converting” him from rocky Republicanism. He said he was afraid I’d “convert” him then “leave” him! Uh oh. No laughs there. Love doesn’t have to work out like a math problem. Skip asks me to visit him at Dartmouth this summer. Not likely. Finnegan’s Wake is literally unbearable. Struggling with a short story As I Weave My Winding Sheet. What this diary feels like! I do not bow to standards set by others. Picture Devon & Skip meeting at a party. More rain. Reading Yael Dayan’s Israel Journal but I can’t get to her through all the tanks and aerial maneuvers. Cucumbers and tea at 2 AM. Can’t seem to put these ink-stained fingers to sleep. I think it’s easier to be loved than people assume. One has only to love. This diary is full of boring things.
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Alysse Aallyn
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