10:05 AM Hot bath Wed 16 Apr 69
Bleach myself clean. The most important thing I need these days is reassurance and I am definitely not getting it. Making out with Skip makes him very talky. “I just want to make you happy” etc. Trying to keep these segments of my life separate is not working. Fantasize about a child with Devon. Seems to mean no sex with Skip. 10:40 PM Thurs 17 Apr 69 Hair in curlers, beasts fed (my job) but my room looks like Nagasaki. Osmiroid can have their wretched pen. It leaks. I am LITERALLY an ink stained scrivener. Listening to my fave, Ravel’s Pavane for a Dead Princess. Mom is having a deleterious effect on me, sad to say. She bends so completely to Daddy. Our house is totally patriarchal. She may be cultivating a very Christian attitude of total acceptance, but it’s coming out like mush. She tries to defend and be “tolerant” of the establishment but when you ask why she isn’t more tolerant of the Why Don’t We Do It In the Road group she stiffens up fiercely. I tried telling her the Catholic Church is hopeless. It’s dead. “Oh there’s a lot of good things going on in the church right now,” she says vaguely, her eyes scanning the exits. She thinks she’s a humanitarian but she’s not even a Liberal, really. Many times Daddy’s trampling on Mom without realizing it because she refuses to take a position and hides her feelings until she explodes in tears. I think they can’t fulfill their love because she withholds vital knowledge of herself from him. Mom has taught me many things but I am Daddy’s daughter and she knows it. That’s why she’s always hassling me about my stubbornness and selfishness and dirty room. I am Daddy’s daughter more than Genevieve is and that’s exactly why it’s difficult for me & Dad to get along. Look at the number Mom’s done on Genevieve & Merrill! They try to get their fulfillment from merging with their husbands. I think it might work briefly when you’re young but for creative people it’s ultimately a mistake. In Liberation Jerry Rubin discusses the oppression of women, even in radical movements. I wonder how shocked these “revolutionaries” would be if they could only see they’ve been brainwashed by a generation of John Wayne movies. We may not be as physically powerful as men but when it comes down to planning and scheming we think in twelve dimensions. Most women are afraid of not being supported and they are afraid of not being loved. These threats mean nothing to a Free Woman. I am grateful to Mom for teaching me about That of God in Every Man (and woman, presumably.) Dad doesn’t believe that (he sneers at people who do) He only pretends it to get ahead. 4:30 AM Sun 20 Apr 69 Poor Skip! Just finished Potter’s 3-Upmanship borrowed from him. Listening to Hair – a lot more nourishment there. “How can people be so heartless? How can people be so hard? Easy to be proud…” I think Skip may be he most amoral person I’ve ever met. Taken at his word, he doesn’t give a damn about people. We’re so opposed we can’t even communicate. He’s adding up points while I’m trying to talk. I presume on the universality of my soul. He says everyone is born to be Betrayed and Disillusioned. He says he’s got the system figured out and it’s One Against the World. Life is nothing but Eternal Loneliness followed by Oblivion. I smell the scorch of despair. He and his five roommates are all searching for meaning I can tell. I tell him, even in defeat one can be happy. Conviction is actual magic. Everyone recognizes it. 11:12 PM Tues 22 Apr 69 Very satisfying talk on the phone with Skip. I was in a good mood to argue because I just finished a series of letters in Newsweek about their “Sex in the Arts” writeup, and I watched an interesting program on TV about university crises called Confrontation. “I have a bone to pick with you,” he said. Apparently he’s supposed to be studying for finals and all he can think about its me. So we argued about everything. Sex, war, aggression. I am pleased to see he’s at least ready to question his assertion that everyone’s “one up” or “one down.” Who wants such a relationship? I assured him my most important ally is him. But I can’t tell whether he’s receptive to my ideas because he’s in love with me or he’s in love with me because he’s receptive to my ideas. One Newsweek lady worried that if sex becomes “as common as chewing gum” her children will never know how special it is. To my mind, sex is intrinsically wonderful and doesn’t require mystification & sanctimony. I wish I could believe this disgusted housewife actually thinks sex is all that wonderful. Sounds like a “once in a blue moon” dame to me. (Because that makes it more Special.) I worry about people who say something’s too beautiful to talk about or put into art. Uh oh is all I can say. Skip offers to teach me chess. I was delighted because when I asked him before, he refused. 3:00 AM Fr 25 Apr 69 Manic with nervousness: biting my nails and eating, eating, eating. When can I sleep? Tennis tomorrow with Avril and I will look like (and possibly play like) a revenant. I keep thinking about Devon. He’s so weird! Isn’t he TOO weird? Isn’t it a bad sign that I’m still in love with someone this weird? I keep waiting for him to do something because I just can’t believe he won’t. Obviously his parents have his address But I really want to see what the hell he will do. I keep promising this diary I won’t talk about him again. My letters to him are so outdated they can’t be sent. Pathetic that I thought we’d have an epistolary relationship! Persuaded M & D to buy me a camera – a Pentax just like Toss’. Peace!
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Alysse Aallyn
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