2:00 AM 26 Apr 69
So relieved my natural aloofness kept me from throwing myself into a relationship with Skip just to forget Devon. What a disaster that would have been! We are so at odds and he is so bossy I can’t resist torturing him. He so enjoyed defeating me at chess with “fool’s mate” he was rolling on the floor laughing. It would be very bad to be in in any relationship with him where he had the money. By great good luck we are both broke so our natural selves emerge. Bad phone call with him. He can’t help striving for “the upper hand.” I’m in danger of stagnating unless I find some people who’ve already accepted the principles I’m grappling with. Same principle as always playing tennis with someone slightly better than yourself. Mon 28 Ap 69 1:45 AM Just finished Eliz Jenkin’s bio of Jane Austen – probably as good as we are ever going to get. Read Pride & Prejudice last week – I’d started it before (Genevieve liked it) but her style was a bit too polished for the likes of me. Not that G was old enough for it. She was thrilled about getting married at sixteen. NOT Jane’s goal! G. has always been worked up abut youthful marriage – she used to say she’d beat Merrill to the altar. I now like Jane’s narrow medium. Compare her to the Russians. Or the Czech filmmakers of today – struggling with social “requirements”. I don’t think Jenkins needs to defend Jane from the “cold-heartedness” insult – how could anyone believe that? What people don’t like is women who “plan”. We’re supposed to be “swept away.” Why Planned Parenthood has such a bad name. I’ll start Sense & Sensibility tomorrow. Eliz also wasted a lot of time insisting Jan took no characters “from life.” Bizarre. There’s nowhere else to take them from! Of course they might well be so mixed up – like puzzle pieces – the original is unrecognizable. Now thinking Devon won’t ever write. Isn’t it obvious? Gives me a depressed feeling, though. He’s too mercurial to be in charge of himself so a letter wouldn’t even reflect him. I actually have – “Don’t forget me, Alysse. I won’t you” on paper. A goodbye I guess. Good phone conversation with Skip. He revealed some unhealed sores – explains a lot. Aynsley’s Dad died yesterday. I wrote her a horribly awkward letter. I just hope my sincerity comes through. Feeling clear-headed about Plumly. Well, I’ve got an audition to prepare. Midnight 28-29 Ap 69 Been to NYC twice – already I’m getting blasé. They asked for a “comic” speech so I’m doing Mrs. Smith from The Bald Soprano. My serious piece is still Solange. She moves me deeply. Spent the entire eve sewing except for 45 min phone call with Skip. Saw Wild Strawberries – one of the finest films ever made. Unfortunately butchered on TV with bad dubbing and interminable commercials. But you can sort of see something in there. What a corrupt culture we truly are. In fact I’ve been in a bitchy mood all evening. I invited Skip to the anti-war rally – since he’s pro-war I don’t really want him to go. It’s a gesture. It won’t do him a bit of good and I hope he realizes it and it’ll keep me from meeting anybody else. Damn. Short note from Tom Watson encloses bad poem. Timid souls in darkness. Every generation aggressively shaking off the obsessions of the previous generation. I feel like somebody’s grandmother around these people!!! Began S & S. From what Eliz said I expected to like Marianne better but I preferred Elinor from the first. Marianne is just awful. I’m her grandmother, too. We all acted like that once – back in the days of emotional dishonesty & moral lethargy (plus intellectual cunning in Miss Wormrest’s case. Mom eager about her “Bible class” the Cadbury lectures. It’s almost pathetic. Brave step for a house slave, however. I heard her chattering to Atheist Daddy about them. I thought “She’s telling him she’s leaving him.” But no. Even though she cried about the “young ones” sitting worshipfully at his feet at Peace Committee. Nobody sitting at her feet. Mine, neither. Maybe Tom Watson if I gave him the least encouragement which I never ever will. Most of the friction in the household is between Mom and me – all my fault, completely. She fears my callous independence and knows I sneer at her way of life but I, too, like “being comfortable.” She’s got me there! I’d like to be more comfortable than I am! Maybe I should invite her to Montreal to see my audition so we could talk about it. NYC – 1:10 PM – 29 Apr 69 Dining on clam cocktail at the St Moritz hotel. In 30 mins I’ll call Dr Herzog again. Glad he’s running late. Don’t know why I’m letting myself get wrought up about this damn audition – I can’t go there – they’ll be falling into the ocean next year along with the rest of S California. My feet hurt and I’m tense as hell. But I do fee beautiful and I do feel competent Decide to do Ms. Smith in a singsong. 6:50 on train so please forgive this spastic handwriting. Finished S & S – actually liked t better than P & P! Jane’s sacrifice of character to action gets annoying – had enough of Col Brandon & his prissy flannel waistcoats. Edward Ferrars is a nothing, a blob and Lucy Steele is a Wicked Stepsister. But Elinor, Marianne and their mother are very interesting, also Robt Ferrars and John & Fanny. The pace is good. Wish Dickens could match it. I don’t see the “fairytale ending” Eliz is defending against here. And I think she handles passion very well. The Regency period is pretty disgusting anyway – a lot of insane moneygrubbing (see Balzac.) Bewitching book of the kind that makes me want to hit my typewriter. My audition? Very successful. We were both impressed. (Almost at Trenton). Now I can actually imagine attending the school and I couldn’t imagine it before. South St Station – waiting to be picked up. Too broke to get home by myself! But hoping they’ll be happy about my audition.
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Alysse Aallyn
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