28 Sept 81
Couldn’t get to Bradley class (I’m hedging my bets) last night because car broke down in Cranbury. Had to call a wrecker. Then the Chrysler wouldn’t start either. Had it towed to Reed’s. Faced with $150 gas bill and $180 elec bill – doesn’t seem possible. Plus the house is a mess and I have sciatica. T. walked to the station this am – luckily only a 20 min walk. Reading about Harold Nicolson’s “jobless” phase when no one liked him – I can identify. Working on poetry submissions for WatermarkI hear dogs bark – I stagger to the door in my torn caftan to see Miriam from women’s church group; baby on hip. She drinks coffee and tells me your private and marital lives are completely destroyed by children. Thanks! Also new way to clean kitchen floors. We set up a new date to go strolling in New Hope – she won’t have her kid and I won’t look like Godzilla goes to Oz. 5 Oct 81 Bad phone call with Mm – she acted like seeing a therapist is an admission that “something’s wrong with me.” Asked why – I made up a coherent reason – my crying jags. Realized after I should have said pregnancy. Every conversation seems to slam a door. Wolf’s wedding present was a black cat in severe need of some kind of vet treatment (eczema?) Taking him to vet then home to make dinner. T promised to stay home Thurs to help me clean. Feeling better abut our midwife. I’m sure I made the right decision even though Lois is trying to scare me about “lack of anesthesia.” 7 Oct 81 This depressing red book! Bad session with Dr. James yesterday. She says numbing oneself to the pain leaves one in a drugged state without energy to break the deadlock. And yet I have to keep going. Dr. J thinks I deliberately chose writing because being ignored and rejected is just the way my parents treat me! “What am I trying to prove?” My natural optimism asserts itself – I don’t think I’m trying to prove anything! I’m not that involved with other people but with myself and my own capabilities. You can imagine what Dr.J says about that! According to her the world only exists to bring us to life. T. outside mowing. Housework is my #1 complaint right now. If I could jut get this place tolerable the next few weeks will be more bearable. 8 Oct 81 Forced myself to attend Womens’ Group after only 5 hrs sleep – I really enjoyed it. Miriam then asks me, “What are you doing next?” Stupidly I said, “Nothing” and she said, “Me, too, let’s do it together.” We visited the Lamplighter where I bought a couple of CS Lewis paperbacks and a book on the Inklings. I invented an after lunch apt so the whole day wouldn’t be blown but I find myself disliking her. She’s exhaustingly competitive. She wants to complain about her husband and she wants me to complain about my husband. I have plenty of complaints about T – he probably has just as many about me – but why repeat them? It just solidifies them when I feel the whole situation could change over night. She was pretty shocked that we don’t have insurance. The midwife is $500 but what about complications if I have to go to the hosp? Not my favorite subject for discussion. (She says a Caesarean is $4000!.) Came home and immediately fell into a deep sleep – woke up just in time to get T and now I’ve set him to making a soufflé. He had bad news on his day – he and L had lunch with Pres of the local civic assoc who is going to fight them on parking. He wants to force them to build fewer units. T. also upset about L’s close-mouthedness about her financial status – she had two margin calls last month! He’s been up front with her about his. Now she wants to use the architect as a straw man to buy two more buildings but T wants to develop the one they’ve got. Conflict. He suspects her of “borrowing” Mother Louise’s money which she’s technically not supposed to do. 10:30 PM– Devastated. Over dinner (my salad and his very respectable soufflé) T. very critical of how poorly I keep this place – how little I do. I tried talking about the danger to our love of these kinds of fights – got nowhere. Now he’s driven off to Hightstown. I don’t recover from these things as fast as he does. I have tremendous faith in our future. Maybe I should try to get him in to see Dr. James. Or she could suggest someone who’s a stranger to us both. Fri 9 Oct 81 Terrible nightmare because of our fight – T throwing all our furniture out of the house, me fleeing to a motel. Got lost, came home and crawled in through the garage window to find the place burgled. Loneliness, confusion, desperation. He apologized thoroughly and sincerely. I really need the 11thhr cavalry – good news about my career – but I’ve forgotten what it feels like. If I finished MFA could teach writing.
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Alysse Aallyn
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