Fri Jun 11 82
4 loads of laundry. Shane is easy when he’s easy but when he’s not he’s EXHAUSTING. I’m a mass of tensions. (He just closed his eyes. Glory!) The trouble is 20 mins is too short for writing but it’s PERFECT for wailing here. Let’s just hope it “releases” tension instead of making things worse. FORGET about writing even TWO of these novels a year! It’s too painful a stretch. I’m having fun doing it “my way” but I don’t ever want to do it again. And then Daisy had the nerve to come over yesterday and lecture me about my career – I need to “get serious” and “not write crap”. She’s going to come out of her divorce with nothing but the kids but she doesn’t care she’s got a big rich family (whom she’ll go back to MN to join) and a guaranteed job ANYWHERE in insurance $60,000 a year any time she asks for it. Since bragging isn’t my thing I’m totally silenced. I’m sure she would say I should learn to brag! Only way to get ahead! S awake and playing in his pen – I’m correcting novel by hand. Need a word processor. Query letters to Sapphire & Braceland. How I would “catch shopper’s eye” or “fit in with latest craze.” I should be reading the competition but unfortunately it IS crap. Makes it hard to argue with the Daisies of this world and yet why should bilge & romance be synonymous? Think I understand not just Woolf’s but Plath’s suicide. I refuse to give up. Not that maintaining “romance” is easy: T calls that he’s missed his train – I go off my diet & destroy my fingernails. I can’t BELIEVE I’m trapped in this parody of a fifties marriage. I would like to bring T in on all my literary plans but I’m afraid it would be like consulting my parents – I’d end up sobbing hopelessly. How DID my self-esteem get so defused? Maybe because T has literally NO IDEA how to be supportive – it isn’t even a concept in his family. He never offers to take the baby – whom he loves – and his “help” around the house is offering Negative advice: “That’s awful.” On Sundays he makes breakfast while I “sleep in” not a rewarding experience – messes up every pot in the house, takes hours to produce anything while the baby screams. S drops his carrot for 2,000 time now sucking on my nightgown. Theresa here to clean – thank God. Reading Helen Van Slyke’s Always Is Not Forever thinking, gee, it would fun to write this novel with real people in it. Mon 14 Jun 82 No point asking T for help – he instantly out-depresses ME! He says as soon as he’s out of money I’ll divorce him! It seems my role is to pour out endless encouragement & support to make his life bearable. Uh oh! I want T to take me seriously as a writer and it just keeps getting worse and worse. 10 PM– got S down, feeling better – called T. He’s in a terrible state – L playing ripflesh with him – they’re out of money, owe $8,000 it’s his fault. His pointing out she shouldn’t have used development loan money to buy her dream house doesn’t get him off the hook. He promised to make her dreams come true. Tues. 15 Jun 84 T. staying home today, since his mom’s acting up. He’s out mowing hedge – baby sleeping – I had breakthrough. You can’t be both “safe” and “unpredictable” – these novels are the former and I want them to be the latter. Got to follow this lead wherever it takes me – somebody has to blaze trail. I want to write the “Robin Grunden” whose name appears on the “how to write for us” sheets and say, Look honey. We’re all adults here. Let’s invent our own categories. Wed 16 June 82 Giving my hair a hot oil treatment. Yesterday modest watershed – got my characters arguing about the double standard! 4 p! T says why don’t I get a job in publishing? Then I’d know what they want. I say the problem isn’t that I don’t know what they want. Working for a printer would make better sense. I’d like to be home for 2 years with baby – he’s going to grow & change in such important ways – would make all the difference. Mail brings hilarious letter from Pinnacle: “Herewith return your novel Devlyn which does not suit our requirements.” Didn’t read my letter OR even look at title of my book! Obviously they need somebody literate who can READ as well as open and stuff envelopes! T. hates the very idea of a press – it’s all a financial loss as far as he’s concerned. In the meantime Cary Newton calls T to say “forget about will –I’m getting married!” I’m embarrassed by how long T delayed – but maybe Cary will give him new will job after wedding. Feeling better by going off my diet –not too terrible – but had lunch at quarter to eleven! Just couldn’t tolerate the emptiness & pain one more min! 18 Jun 82 Bad day – good day – bad day – never was so sick of a book in all my life and I only have 123 viable pages! I don’t think it’s worth writing anything if its this hard. By sheer stubbornness I think I will have enough in another week to circulate among editors. Last time I write slush for free. I would have figured this out years ago if I wasn’t such a thorny mass of personal hangups. If this doesn’t work I’ll go into the typing business. Having my mss typed proves to me there’s serious cash in them thar hills. Struggling with The Political Character of Adolescence. Can’t write – baby smiling & laughing at me! He’s right – why get depressed when you can scream with laughter? It’s all hilarious! T & L got their zoning today. 20 Jun 82 Pansy & Sutton on their wedding tour – I have to crawl in bed after & pull covers over my head. Pansy probing always for the weak point- in my case, this damn novel. How I wish I were Daisy with flashing eyes and gnashing teeth. In T’s case weak point was Sykes margin call but Sutton will loan T stock. My own father promises $6000 but it sells for $4500 – that’s stock for you! Can’t juggle everything – giving up Fordham. T. said he would love me if I never wrote another word. It was the wrong thing to say. S on marathon nap – 3 hrs!!! 22 Jun 82 The baby was so quiet I rushed in – he opened his eyes and looked at me with that gorgeous smile! I‘m in love! T talked to L about developing this project – she says not for five years. So he says why not install wood burning stove in library? I say fine – in place of the piano. I was ready to hand S to T the minute he showed up but Daisy appeared to take our divorce testimony. I have chewed my cuticles till my hands ache. Off to Shadow Is for 2 weeks!
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Alysse Aallyn
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