3:30 Thurs 30 Aug 79
Everything done. I’m in shock. Crawled into the bath with a vodka tonic and now I’m feeling better. Trying to figure out how to approach parents for money. Maybe they could give me my own stock as engagement present? Feel I won’t be able to disguise my rage. It’s “I’m All Right Jack” no matter WHAT – mighty convenient for them. I realize its any sense of helplessness that triggers all this rage NOT a good sign for T’s and my relationship. He can’t “make” me independent! I must not succumb, or Plath-ize. (She sacrificed herself to the gods of rage.) I’m doing this guy no favors handing him a woman on the edge of breakdown. 4:25PM– My darling just called! Relief! He borrowed a truck from somebody so although we’ll have to drive separately we won’t have movers or returns to cope with. He’s driving it out here so I can sleep as late as I like which I really need. Reading Robert Ludlum’s perfectly ludicrous Matarese Circle. In 100 yrs people will wonder how we stomached this stuff. A. and I going to Olney theatre to seeThe Battonight. Newport KY – Tues 4 Sept. 79 Reading old high school loveletters for something I can use in Blood Memorynow renamed Speechless. T. ebbs in and out of stranger-hood. He told his friends I used to be an exotic dancer – he won’t “lie” but I think it was a bad idea. One obscene phone call so far. Don’t like the way they stare at me. Last night we made love twice. I especially like to watch him sleeping – the perfection of his profile is heart-rending. But his angers are so weirdly arbitrary. Not with me so far I am divided on what to do – if I ignore it will it just get worse – be somehow programmed that I’ll be reasonable and he’s outrageous until there’s no going back? But if I don’t “let it slide” it’s non-stop arguments. Went to a famous restaurant to drink mint juleps last night and ended up in an argument about whether he has any misogynistic ideas or not. I proved he did (he thinks women “act stupid”) but that didn’t make him happy! He’s given me the entire third floor with glorious views over the city – I spend most of my time up here. Total furniture: a desk and a lounge chair. It somewhat makes up for the fact that he presented me with a new vacuum cleaner – obviously thinking I’m going to clean for him. Uh oh! Misogynistic idea #763. Mostly I am incredibly happy. At about 8 I’ll start the casserole & set the table. Newport, KY: 10:15 AM Wed 5 Sept 79 The electricians have been here for 2 hrs driving me insane. T ordered impossibly ugly furniture from Horchow catalog – luckily agreed to send it back. EnjoyingA Certain Slant of Light. Point of view not a problem for this writer. Next Drabble’s The Ice Age. Project: The Contemporary Novel. The irrevocableness of marriage. My children mutely regard my choice. The hopelessness of explaining myself t any of T’s friends. Rain. Any excuse not to take a walk (T lives in bad neighborhood.) Feel like a girl in a gothic novel except for the constant sex which makes it a different kind of novel. Break with the past. 6 Sept 79 – 2 PM Impossibly intense happiness. Peace & joy. Feel we have been standing in a dinghy trying to balance. Equilibrium is everything. Toss suffering recurring nightmares that I leave him to go back to DC Can’t reassure him as much as I’d like. Moves upset me to a terrifying degree. Let’s hope the next is last till kids are born. I recall when I got to Maine took me a full month to get my neuroses under control. 4 good pages on book. Molly Lefebrve’s book on Coleridge fascinating. T & I up at 8 to go shopping. Laid in a glorious supply food & drink – I gave him check for my ½. He is slightly alarmed I won’t open checking acct here. But he did offer me allowance which now he says he can’t afford. Too proud to complain. Must make money writing. Should take a walk right now – wake myself up. But light a little scorching – longing for fall. 12:50 PM Fri Sept 79 Long letter from Devon full of love and caring – his girlfriend sounds so wrong for him – prudish fundamentalist: what is he thinking? Must we marry our nightmares? Perilously close to a bad argument last night – somehow we got over it. Trying to treat his ideas with respect. Our family has a ban on displays of anger – his doesn’t! In Sheffield World the angriest person wins because they “care” the most. Or are just willing to behave badly, I suggest. It makes me angry when he postpones our wedding AGAIN like he thinks I can’t raise the money. He says “a piece of paper doesn’t marry us” BUT IT DOES. Why does “piece of paper” make him a lawyer? “That’s different – its for other people.” “Maybe next summer” does not sound good. No Thanksgiving (which would be the easy thing) so I suggest spring vacation – he says Sept a year from now! Wants to have a job. I think it is better to get wedding stuff out of the way. Now he’s trying to talk me into living near his mother in the city but I hate cities. Impasse. Seems I don’t need to cut very deeply to see pus. Can’t speed up the intimacy process much as I want to. Keep having to detangle Mom & Dad’s puritanical creepers out of my own mind!! They give me a headache. At least T is making dinner tonight. If it weren’t for alcohol I don’t know if we’d pull through. Loving Christina Stead’s Miss Herbert. 6:40 PMLong letters to Devon and Merrill, then when T came home I wept for an hour. Apologize. This is heavy work. T shocked me by suggesting we “spend the summer here” my shocked response showed how much I think I am “camping out.”
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Alysse Aallyn
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