6 Oct 79
Brideshaping up well, a loose bag for anything I want to throw in (Woolf.) 6 chaps so far – think I can get 60,000 without too much trouble. Think I am jealous of this house –we painted 6 to 9. T runs himself too hard. Chase elected him to ANOTHER position as well as law school ed. Last night I made dinner – fillet of sole in sherry, sour cream & chives with broccoli & salad. Jan showed up for dinner – luckily there was plenty – both praised my cooking extravagantly. Wine flowed. Discussed celibacy of clergy. I blame greed – church wants to own everything, like Ma Bell. Jan wans to spend the night so he can watch Foreign Correspondent – offered to paint. Dinner – running – bath – reading – lovemaking – satisfying routine. Then today the wedding – can’t believe I survived it. Christina, Mindy & Cindy all there commenting on my lavender lace dress with burnt sienna leather jacket. (Couldn’t afford to buy anything new.) T said it looked like “an old lady dress” on the hanger but nice on. Waiting for ride drinking sherry T said my face with makeup was “over defined.” I began to feel alarmed but too late to do anything about it! He said I sometimes dressed and mad up as if I were 10 yrs older and had flaws to cover instead of “being a very beautiful woman but he was afraid to tell me about it because of my feelings about my parents (their criticism I guess.) He said “at least you don’t powder yourself any more like Marcel Marceau”! (Stage makeup is OBVIOUSLY different.) I said I was sorry he felt that way and particularly sorry he chose THAT moment to bring it up! I’m sure Mindy, Cindy & Christina were satisfied we were on the “outs”. Endlessly long super religious wedding. I was in a stew. I don’t even wear eyeliner! I wish he had given me some money but would I have used it on clothes & makeup? Probably not – I prefer writing and “staying alive”! So much emotionalism in the service I cried and he apologized. He said he was so proud of me and wanted everyone to feel the same. At the dull reception (bad jitterbug) he introduced me to Christina who was COMPLETELY different from what I expected – at least a foot taller than T and very elegant (no makeup, alas.) After I came out of the ladies T said Christina asked him to dance but he declined “She had her chance.” He could NEVER have married her – a Professional Virgin. Impossible. Had to go shopping at Kroger’s after wedding for food – we were feeling better but he couldn’t stop justifying himself. Something about how “physically perfect” I am but not “psychologically perfect” because of Mom and Dad! Made me sorry I’m honest with him – my parents are normal compared to his parents. I told him he’s lacking in charity. That shut him up. Sun. 14 Oct 1979 Toss seems entirely to understand my confusing depression: just found this note on the bed when I came up: “PAY TO THE ORDER OF ALYSSE AALLYN A WHOLE LOTTA LOVING, KISSING & HUGGING, AVALANCHE OF AFFECTION REDEEMED WHENEVR SHE FEELS INSECURE”. He’s downstairs right now with Julio. I don’t know what it is about my family that lays me so low. Is it that they never validate my perceptions? They want me to live in a world where either they’re mad or I am. It’s like trying to communicate through a wall and the more you love the people the more depressing it is. I just feel so ignored and denied. Unfortunately this ugly pointless pattern continues into my artistic life. Set up one framework after another, only to lose faith and discard them. Dreamed last night about Phil Jervaze of all people – that I was trying to get his phone no. 11 dec 79 Finished Life of Raymond Chandler. Reading about Ottoline Morrell and K Mansfield. Disgusted with poetry and taking a vacation. Bought T. he prettiest Pierre Cardin Diamond cufflinks. 5:30 PM 13 Dec 79 –Thurs A good day in spite of a weird pain between my breasts. Tension? Seems better when I move round. Reading Lady Sackville & drinking tea. Phone call from beloved after Commercial Paper exam. Having a haircut then home in ½ hr. I had news for him – our nephew born last night – a whopping 8 lbs – remind me never to eat when I’m pregnant. Mom called to tell me –apologized very nicely for sounding “disrespectful” about my work by dismissing it as “ghoulish” and “morbid.”. They can’t see the two different issues:
Finished Xmas cards today – 172 cards! T & I had beautiful long talk last night of course followed by spectacular lovemaking. Confiding fears for our relationship. T doesn’t se how this can last. I said I worry about hardening myself against him because it’s difficult to be so open. Out shopping today got a flat tire changed by the Kroger people! Would that happen in NE? Certainly not in DC. Very little sleep last night because of T’s studying – but I didn’t ant him to leave the bed. It’s getting dark now – beautiful light over St John’s church. Submitting altered version of The Spire(leaving out sexual poems.) 11:45 AM – Sun 16 Dec 79 In 15 mins my angel will have been at work for six hours. That’s more than a half day! When he gets here he still has his packing to do. He asked me what about pending summer in Princeton then back here for a year? He knows he can get a job here – his friends have been working on him. I said I’d hate it. Want to get established somewhere before I get pregnant. I have a far better chance of getting a job there than here. Greeting noises from dogs! StormFall Farm – Wed Dec 19 – 79 Unalloyed pleasure! Sitting at my desk in winter liv rm (table pushed up to window.) It’s been snowing since we woke up at 10. I saw my new house – Grovers’ Mill NJ – very low ceilinged antique farmhouse full of original furniture. Too outdated to rent but fine with me – a whole house of our own! We could have two kids there without being overcrowded! It has some unpleasant dark curtains we could just get rid of. T’s grandmother just went into nursing home for the second time. Looks like this is the last time. The only prob is it has no laundry room – perhaps adapt upstairs closet? (Very tiny closets too.) Pat, Andy & Toss have gone to town – I will walk dogs and then be ALONE. Gloriously ALONE. Very close to becoming complete recluse. Just finished N Mitford’s Voltaire in Love. T enormously enjoying Perry Mason whom I read to him on our long drives.
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Alysse Aallyn
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