Mar 22 – 64
It’s hard to see your parents prefer another over yourself. It’s not their fault – you can’t help your likes and dislikes. All the love they give me is for being an Aallyn. For being Alysse, I get nothing. But having Mark Jonas should be enough. As long as I have him, I’m never alone. Mar 24 – Tues – 64 It’s hard to fall in love. Mark writes every day, worried that I don’t care. I do but I don’t see what more I can say. What if I lose him? And of course I will but it’s so difficult to face. I’m going to Plumly next year and that’s even farther away and it has boys. Genevieve says the dating is intense. Mark goes to an all-boys school and it’s making him crazy. I’ll never forget Mark – I won’t be able to. He told me I’ll never know how much he loves me. He sent me a fake diamond twinkling and shining – says he’ll get me a real one for my wedding ring! My wedding ring! Why couldn’t he go to Plumly? He says his parents would never agree. Why couldn’t I have met him when I’m 20? I feel so trapped. Has he faced this? Does he think he can overcome it? Genevieve is lucky having Jack at school with her. I wonder if she knows. I feel another night of insomnia coming on. April 1 - 64 Feeling gloomy today wondering what people will say after my death. I imagine them being interviewed by a shadowy reporter. “I don’t remember her.” “She wasn’t very pretty.” “She cried a lot in Africa. I thin she hated the French and the Arabs equally.” “She liked cats a great deal. Think she wanted to be a cat.” “She was dreamy and secretive.” See? Even if they ask Mark, it depends on whether he has somebody else and of course he will because he’s big and handsome. In Africa my parents thought I was insane. I don’t feel too stable now. The slightest mental pain brings me to tears. With Mark I am calm and loving but we can’t be together for years and years. April 5 – 1964 – 2:30 AM Can’t sleep. There you are. Guess who I’m thinking about? Billy Graham? No. Goulart in Brazil? No. His problems are even worse than mine. Last guess! Yes, it’s Mark Jonas. He is one big fat heartache. When I go to Plumly I will probably never see him again. This is one big fat torture. But you wouldn’t know, would you, diary? You’re disgustingly unemotional about it. “I love him, I love him, I love him and where he goes I’ll follow, I’ll follow, I’ll follow” That’s Little Peggy March for you. Can I wait one week? I have writer’s cramp so I think I’ll give ol’ Sandyland another try. April 11 – 64 – 10:30 AM M-Day! Yes, it’s Mark day – he’ll be here in about four hours. I tried to sleep till noon but woke up at six forty-five, just like a school day. Mark called Wed and sounded wonderful. I refuse to let my stupid subconscious play any more tricks on me. April 13 – 64 – 10:30 AM I know it won’t work. I’m not stupid or blind, I’m just a girl unlucky enough to fall in love with the wrong person. It hurts like hell hell hell. But I can’t give him up because I love him too much. I can’t even pretend to keep him for a friend. I think he’s pretending too. He talks so insistently about the future. When your heart freezes a little does it ever unfreeze? Wendy my friend says no. Mon. May 11, 64 Sometimes I hate my mother and I know hate is an emotional word. I ought to say that somewhere in my heart I know I love her but it isn’t true right now. God I hope she never sees these pages! She just doesn’t “feel” me any longer. She’s so uncooperative. We have finally become severed. Of course she’s mad at all of us. Merrill wanted to bring home a boy for the weekend and Mom accused her of “wanting to play house”. Dad said she was acting like a “prostitute”. Their uncomprehending words stab me like knives. I would scare Mark if he could see me right now! His roommate sent me an ugly sexed-up letter. Mark says he’s going to beat the poor little shrimp to a pulp. “My boyfriend’s back , he’s gonna save my reputation…” Wed. Jun 10 – 64 A great summer is ahead! I’m excited – home life’s been getting pretty tough. Can’t say whether that’s my fault or not. I have many ideas on the subject – you will probably be forced to hear them later. Mom tells me I am too independent; that I am constantly trying to be an island unto myself. Camp Stark is a YMCA camp attempting to Instill Christian Character. I don’t know how much Christian Character I already have – it all seems to be ebbing away. At the end of the summer I may have even less. But it sounds like a lovely place to go. Shastain, MI meets my requirement of Not Being In Ohio. We heard about it through the Landfields. My mouth started to water when I heard at Horsemanship Division you work with your own horse! Do you impart Christian Character to them or do they impart Horse Character to you? I can but wonder; unfortunately I first have to go through Freshman Division. I was on the waiting list – it was only a week ago that I was told I was in if want an all-girl Trailblazer trip back East! !! My friend Andrea is going, too! She is fun but thinks boys were made to be taken advantage of. Her trip to camp is not for a good reason – her two brothers were killed in a motorcycle accident (drunk driver.) Now it’s just her and her parents and apparently they need to be alone. What with buying and packing and marking my days are just filled up!!!
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Alysse Aallyn
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