Mon 11:30 AM – 18 Feb 80
Wonderful weekend in Horse Cave with our soon-to-be minister, T’s friend. Came home to discover T’s grandmother Louise (whose house we will be living in) had a stroke in her nursing home. They are looking for blood in spinal tap but it seems her speech is returning. (She is 88 and very frail.) Hope this doesn’t cast a pall over our cork-popping evening with friends. A cup of leek & spinach soup then walk to library. 20 Feb 80 Feeling crazy – in potentially the worst distress of my life. T says he can’t leave before Ap 15 – Granma changing the date of her party – I get the creepy notion T doesn’t care how I feel as long as I get my work done and shut up about it. Last night – after 2 nights of dinner parties – he invited people over – I said I’d be upstairs. Couldn’t see anyone. He suggested I was “manic depressive” which I consider insulting. He said he can’t work worrying if I’m “committing suicide.” That I’m “undermining” him by leaving him alone. He said he will do all the cooking and I could “do all the drinking”. I said No thanks. After they left our worst fight so far. He asked me threateningly if I REALLY want to know what he thought of my novel. I said yes. He said my novel is terrible – for emphasis he shook a floor lamp at me and when he set it down hard, it broke! Said the Erin part doesn’t work and I should read National Lampoon’s clever “takeoff” on a schoolgirls’ diary where she discovers she has a penis – they captured “girlish chatter” perfectly in a way I could learn from. I’ve got to get out of here before I become a basket case. As long as he insists my misery and fears are imaginary we are far, far apart. I shouldn’t have come here – should have stayed working in DC saving money till the wedding (and his MOVE.) 8PM Thu 21 Feb Last night we had it out – every last bit and he SAW. I worked hard all day rewriting the passages he objected to – it is too bumpy out of “nowhere.” I tried to get him to understand how INSULTING he is being – that he wouldn’t accept this behavior from me. First he denied he’d said the things he’d said, then he denied being hostile and angry – he was shaking a chair over my head at the time. He admitted it does make him want to smash something. I asked him if its true I’m this crazy awful person that he says I am why does he love me? NO NO he insisted – you’re wonderful! How? So he finally got tender and said, “You need a loveletter, don’t you?” And I said, more than a broken chair! He said what if things get worse this summer. I said they WON’T. You will have graduated and passed the bar! You’ll have the support of me and your family! We fell together, relieved. The Lovers Ionized we spin Stigmatized we swear Teeth bared we Kiss. Fri 22 Feb 80 6:45 PM Dinner ready for T – he’s late as usual so I have a moment to reflect. Up to p. 200 – one scene to go. Last night he asked about “the relentless floods of blood” in my work. I tackled the “suicide” comment. First he denied saying it – then eyes full of tears –admitted and apologized. He gets “so upset”. He reported an incident with a college psychiatrist – an intervention – he was accused of being the college heartbreaker and he was so surprised. I said I have the marks on my heart to prove it. He admits he’s jealous of my writing because I can “write anything I want.” Tough to defend against that! I do write anything I want! But people don’t have to like it. Parents offered to buy my card for a grand and give to Genevieve. But they would keep it in Mom’s name because insurance in Maine is cheaper! I can’t criticize a gift horse’s choppers. Found Monica Dickens’ Autobiog at library today – could hardly believe my luck. Reminds me of A. Christie’s – seems bit muted. No doubt best story is left out. 12:50 PM Sun – 24 Feb 80 Toss sighing and groaning over my book like a martyr. Sounds like he hates it. I finished it yesterday in 4 glorious hours. T angry because I won’t answer the phone when I’m working. We’re suffering from “Doll’s House Syndrome” – anything he wants to do is for US – anything I want to do is just selfishness. He’s 21 p from the end. He says I “sneer” at his suggestions but I’ve incorporated a lot of them. T. says it’s “corrupt”. Uh oh. He means the teacher scene. I reminded him of the Professor Emeritus at Plumly who wanted to talk eagerly with the boys about how to get erections, what they looked like and how long they could stay up. Not “corrupt”? T thought he was adorable. Better prepare myself for the tirade. He says I won’t get published if I “dismiss” his ideas and he might be right. He yells, I cry and we’re both wounded.
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Alysse Aallyn
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