Tues 12 Feb 80
Listening to Scarlatti. My tolerance for winter is definitely over. Feeling at the nadir of my stored-up strength – a bear forced to hibernate overtime. Greatly affected by inserting Erin into Summer. I think it works. It belongs there because of my parents self-protective insistence that I invented a false history of pain to get attention. Waiting for T to get there – he’s reading slowly. Another bad fight. When I made the comment that the Grovers’ Mill house could be made so nice he looked around his hell hole and snorted incredulously. How could that possibly be when I’m such a bad housekeeper? I reminded him how wonderful MY house in DC was (and is.) He made fun of my voice – high, thin, querulous and self absorbed. I asked him if I REALLY sounded like that – abashed, he admitted I didn’t. “Women”. Women are manipulative, demanding and illogical. Hard to blame him for thinking so if you’ve met his mother (and his girlfriends.) But he’s not willing to listen to criticism of his mother yet. She’s “losing” him to me. She’ll have to meet his father at graduation. (They were divorced six years ago and separated eight before that.) He’s in a misogynistic panic – I feel like I have all the duties of an old fashioned wife and he has only s many husbandly duties as he cares to assume. He thinks he’s just “hitting back” against my “slights” AKA the unfortunate honesty he claims to value. Oh well. I haven’t figured out how to explain my viewpoint without unleashing his hostility. I look forward to the day when we can talk honestly about this. But we will need some emotional security for that to happen and emotional security means financial security. Let’s just hope one of my book projects pays off. Meditation, exercise, bath, dinner with friends. 11:30 AM – Wed 13 Feb 80 T. brought me breakfast in bed. I have to make sure to brings his tomorrow with his card To My Husband. It’s Valentines Day. I have a hangover but last night was worth it – found out some interesting things about T. He was a half hour late, very angry because he’d scratched his car against a stone wall and not pleased when I said I didn’t think expensive bodywork was necessary on a 70,000 mile car. After the guests left he went for me the same way he did when I set up a dinner last year with one of my father’ s law associates and he felt embarrassed by having to “beg” for a job. (No one told him he had to “beg” for a job.) That I talk too much and no one else can talk because I’m cooped up all day and that makes me a liability at dinner parties. He said “I think it’s better to tell you now than say “Shut Up” in public.” I said you bet it’s better! If you say “Shut up” to me in public there won’t be a marriage! He says there you go again with the ultimatums. I asked him how he’d feel if I said “Shut up” to HIM in public! He hadn’t even considered such an awful thing. I said I didn’t think my perceptions were so totally askew – I hadn’t “dominated” the discussion or squelched other people’s ideas trying to get them to agree with me the WAY HE DOES. He apologized later and said he fears me being lionized at parties. How will he handle it? I said it doesn’t look like he has much to worry about yet. I need to muster every philosophical, theological and psychological aid I can come up with to deal with my stunning LACK of success. I said to T I thought the real problem is we are too much alike! Essentially I’ve made the decision to “live through” the next two months – T feels it and it upsets him. 11:30 PM– End of a long difficult day. I managed my 10 p. but novel is too short and I can’t think of anything more to say. Novella no good! Maybe T will have ideas. He came home depressed at getting a D+ in Corporations – I made him a BLT and a Bloody Mary –he ate the sandwich but had to lave the drink as he still had a Law Review meeting! At 7 PM! When he finally came back we made up entirely for our fight and I was once again thinking, This is the man for me. He said he was upset because I’d commented on how handsome Peter Martins is! I’ve never even met the man! I said I was jealous of the Playboy magazine in the top left desk drawer. Thoroughly talked over my “failure” to settle in here. Said I was subject to “strong loves and few” and it was time for me to love somewhere else. Made him an enormous dinner of hash browns & eggs and after 2 bourbons apiece we felt pretty good. 6:10 PM Valentine’s Day – 80 Great day. Wrote 13 p so I’m up to 156. T working at the paper till midnight. T gave me box of delicious candy & card. Reading Collegiate Women– depressing tale of how the doyennes of domesticity subverted female ed. 10:20 PM Fri 15 Feb 80 Wrote a whole chapter – got to stop or madness will result. Reading magnificent Man Who Cried (Cookson.) Morally quite sophisticated. Cast Harvey Cox’ Seduction of the Spirit away in disgust. Should be called “Harvey’s Closet – here – you clean it.” T came home to spinach lasagna and letter from ex (the one he really loved and who didn’t believe in monogamy) that he described as “a howl of agony.” Said she will never get married or have children – spoke slightingly of her own work – and signed herself “love.” I feel for her. T was upset, angry and relieved all at the same time. The crap she put him through! T asked if I would consider living “west of Phila.” I said Sure if it has city access. Hard to beat his old grandparents’ place at Grover’s Mill right between two major cities! (His father was a children’s publisher in the 30’s.) Trustees won’t let Lois sell the house till Mother Louise dies (she is in retirement home.) In the meantime they are letting everything go to hell while hiking their fees – Lois is suing them – needs T to help. Can’t talk about my life to Avril – she is naïve. If people say they love each other there shouldn’t be a problem is her theory. If there is, its not love.
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Alysse Aallyn
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