Mon 17 Jan 83
Irritated resentful & crabby. Everything at Marycliff boded well at first – Philosophy class looks rewarding – Intro to Psych slow & dull but there’s no way around if this is my major. Have to listen to ridiculousness about letting people express their anger – when has reinforcing hostility ever worked It isn’t working for poor Ricardo who needs to tell Lois off. She’s especially savage because he won’t fight back. Chased out of the laundry room by a crabby old nun – went to the senior dorm and talked the door watcher into letting me do a load. What can it hurt? Stood in line at the bookstore but had to leave without my book because time to pick up the Bug. He insisted on stories in the car - 1:30 PM when we got home and he wouldn’t nap. My Beloved Angel home at 3:30 so I had an adult to talk to ! Bug went to sleep 5:30 PM. Reading a HORRIBLE book called Mind Over Weight that says if you just relax and accept yourself you’ll become thin! What sense does THAT make? I guess we were all “meant” to be the same size and we keep interfering with that by being “different." All we have to do is stop! How about problems with the whole idea of “perfection” which seems to be a constantly moving goalpost anyway. How about thinking of oneself being “enviably thin” as incredibly threatening? Sacrifice and giving up your freedom ALWAYS hurts, period. If I just relaxed and accepted myself I’d have TWO glasses of wine with Dan Rather (maybe 3.) Frustration makes me hungry. Makes me gnash my teeth. Have discovered the most delicious zucchini pizza. For the most part things between me & T are better than ever. Save my arguments for my philosophy prof who shudders when he sees me coming. Tues 18 Jan 83 Tackling my last typing job – yet another client who lied to me about how much work was required. Out of sequence – confusingly written – had to type one page twice. Took phone off hook – hot bath – lunch at 10:30 AM! Then took a nap! Who the hell cares what time it is? T critical of my poetry book operation every chance he gets – he’s only limited by his disorganization and procrastination. I feel I am VERY MUCH on the path toward being the person I want to be. At least I have what I most value in life: contemplative privacy. Imagine if I’d gotten that Bamberger’s job!! Bibliography then I’m done. Fri 21 Jan 83 Sitting up in my study abuzz with joy & love of life. Yes it happened – DONE with typing! Car conflicts this am so I regretfully cut Phil class which I will NEVER do again unless weather excruciating. Amnesty day = HEAVEN – drove Bug to the sitter then bath while finishing Glendinning’s Edith Sitwell. Superb. Next: Wallace Stevens. 1,000 words – great fun – on Tamsin’s novel The Color of Love all of which takes place in Ireland which I know NOTHING about! Only quit so early because I want to wallow in T’s presence. 22 Jan 83 Still hypnotized by the spell of Dorothy Eden’s Afternoon Walk. You have to admire someone who gets her effects so simply. This template could be applied to endless other stories. Pity there’s no such excitement in Color, only the usual jealousy and miscommunication. Ho hum. Weird day with mysterious churning beneath the surface. Inability to diet. 3 bowls of veg soup at lunch hardly a binge but very strange. Contraindicated. Baby trying to nap because he’ll be up late tonight at dinner party. Muttered sang & threw his bottle. Now he’s silent & so am I. Wed 26 Jan 83 Goddamit had to stop my food journal. Too anxiety-producing. Does this have something to do with Color? I think it might. A lot of eating in that book. And in my life pizza, wine, tuna casserole. Crackers. Ugh. Cooking should not be part of my life right now. How to arrange for a smooth & constant flow of power? Enjoyed Brownstein’s On Becoming a Heroine but it’s a big vague. How do these things gt published? Can’t help but assume she’s the editor’s friend. Her choices too arbitrary. Where’s Trollope, Yonge, Mrs Henry Wood? Fri 28 Jan 83 The things I’m discovering!! Writers in Love by Benet. Comparing KM to Woolf. Woolf feels more “human” in spite of KM’s “sinning”. And - Exactly WHY is academia bad for writers? I found out! Discourages passion and individuality! Yesterday rice with vinegar for lunch. Mmmmmm… Then the worst happened – T home at 8:30 when he said 6 – I ate too much (alone) at 8. I will try harder like Queen Victoria. He’s not even coming to dinner tonight. So grapefruit & cream of wheat. Exercise? Turns out I LOATHE skipping rope. So take a walk after class like a good girl – once around the lake. Mon 31 Jan 83 Last night vast depression. Thinking about it in the car it’s my 3 lives – must bring them into some harmonious whole. No drinking – it wastes the evening. House is filthy & confused but I shirk the prospect of sorting it out. Blaming leads to more pain Driscoll arrives…class begins.
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Alysse Aallyn
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