11 Mar 77
Sent home 3:30 because B’Nai B’rith under siege by terrorists (3 blocks away). Police will tell us when to come back. Real estate agent leads inspector thru house. Bad letter from my agent telling me not to try to sell “old” stuff, write in “new” vein – but she means “like Devlyn”. No more historicals for me!!!! Got to get out of this stalemated “love” relationship – when I tax R with things he’s said, he claims he “doesn’t remember” so we never advance and I feel diminished. Had to tell him sex is over – I can see he doesn’t believe me. Must ask for his key back, that should do it. Dragged A protesting to Freaky Friday – it was worth it. Barbara Harris Chaplinesque. Told Broadcast I will work only one full day per week – must go back to dancing. Read Ellen Glasgow’s The Woman Within. Trying to rewrite Secaire in third person. Not working. Dreaming about houses with deep, cool porches but tax people giving me only $112. A crying over Mason’s “hideous brutality” but she won’t break up with him. Ugh. (Feel my relationship mirrored.) 13 Mar 77 Made love with R for what I hope was last time (he brought lubricant.) His body no longer a key to mine. Think I’m started on Secaire Final Draft. God I hope so. R will sulk for a while, then we’ll “talk”. Prayed for the first time, to the “life source”. Pray away panic and disorder, pray for clarity, purity, calm. Beautiful long walk. Heat like July. Storm burst 4:30. Coffee, orange slices, do my nails. Reread Great Gatsby, pitying Fitzgerald the while. Someone should write this novel from Daisy’s point of view. Exciting way to get back into Courtney – but I don’t want to put it in the ‘20’s. Told R I’m dating so had to invite Keith to All Night Strut – he was pleased. Says he’s not hung up on men paying for everything. 17 Mar 77 Everyone fussing about Scenes from a Marriage. It is excellent. Reading good bio Dorothy Thompson. Novel going swimmingly – suddenly feel fearless. Sex scene perfect. Why elaborate? Why elucidate? Need to be out of this house June 1 – can do, but should I return to dancing or take summer off? Undecided. Incorporeal now Mon. 21 Mar 77 Wish I hadn’t called Ryder but I did. He was very injured by my sex comments. I said I was very injured by the sex. (He says he fears me.) Goddamit feel like turning in my phone if this is how I am going to behave. Watched Upstairs Downstairs, Monty Python. Felt better. All Night Strut amusing – Keith invited me to Voyage of the Damned. (He pronounces it Dam – NED. In a class by himself after all?) Unfortunately not feeling the chemistry. Trying to take what pleasure I can in high heels and see through blouses. Could we just date? Secaire solid, beautiful, disturbing. Avril says its very exciting. Found a shack in Virginia for $200/month. But maybe I have to flee this state to eradicate R from my soul. 23 Mar 77 Voyage classically awful. Majestically, stupendously awful. Bad date. I talked too much. Goddamit dating’s awful. Like those endless “teas” we suffered through in Girl Scouts. Sex is less work (not that I indulged. He has a repellently gooey corpus.) He took me to Alfio’s for dinner! Scene of R’s & my first date! Couldn’t resist telling him I used to dance at Shalimar next door. Keith invited me to his house in Potomac. I said nix. Dumped on doorstep with closed mouth kiss. Shudders of relief. Walked in on Mason in a rage over my “betrayal” of Ryder!! I said he’s dating other people. Mason said but he loves you! I didn’t say his love is a septic condition. (Because Mason’s love is also a septic condition. Poor Avril.) Happily to bed with Becker’s Escape from Evil.
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Alysse Aallyn
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