11:10 PM Tues 25 Mar 69
Watson not so hard to resist. I recall Devon too well. He said Devon was “surrendering his claim.” I doubt it! Mom put him in Avril’s room and I was completely asleep when he crawled in with me! I just left and went to sleep downstairs only to hear Mom scream when walked in to see her daughter had a red beard. I explained but I’m not sure she believed me. Fortunately Watson left. I think it’s very discouraging when a woman married 25 yrs can have such a simplistic view of sex. God I have got to get out of this house. Unfortunately book is not going well. Concentration is the key. Chestnut & 16th Horn & Hardart 12:50 AM 26 Mar 69 Why do I keep this damn diary. It’s interfering with my personality. Getting mad at Marya Mannes and her Sophisticated Man but nowhere to write about it except here. Had to take a trolley to get our car out of repairs – SPTA strike. Going home to make brandy snaps. Certainly isn’t healthy for a 19 yr old girl to be so totally without sexual outlets. Horrible argument with Mom about “love”. I couldn’t have been in love with Toss because we’re not together now, she says snipily. I know too much to even bring up Devon. Sat 29 Mar 69 It may be the springtime of my life -- I’m avoiding it but mercilessly it pursues me. I run everywhere – schools, stores; write letters, take trains, but what am I left with. Devon is Love but what did it get me? One mediocre poem. Laura and Casey are The Past. I am left alone. Finally, with my imagination. Last night Summerfield slipped into my room and I was Lacey. I imagined it exactly but in the morning when I tried to write it melted away like smoke. Alysse, don’t betray me. I wonder if Devon really knows who I am – I almost think he does. 1 April 69 Good old H & H I descend into the materialistic world. Bought 2 scarves, sunglasses, barrettes and a dress. Where did I get all this money? I’m sure my bank would like to know. What does all this do for me? Simply makes me want more. People divide into at least two categories – am I crawling or walking? Casey is amazed that I don’t care more about my appearance. I do care, I just wan to be comfortable, that’s all. The “put-together look” she’s mistress of – curled eyelashes and silk ascot/leather gloves – falls apart in 20 minutes. I mean, inevitably. This is my first new dress since Sept. Plan to give the rest of my money to the AFSC & LaMama theatre – maybe save enough to buy a woods to run away to. Now that Casey’s gone our differences jump out at me. I didn’t say anything about her values but who am I to lecture? She says I am turning into the cliché of the “absent minded professor” NOT a compliment. Trying not to drift completely into the world of the cerebrum. Skip Kearns called – making five people who have called through that Match thing. He invited me to go kite-flying in Valley Forge. He has a 1967 Austin Healey, blond hair and a brother in the Green Berets. Lives with 5 other boys in a house on 47th St. Told him I’m an anti-war dancer who likes parties. He values logic and goes to UPenn for math – not abhorrent so far. Cancerous thing on my vagina? 11:38 PM Thurs 3 Apr 69 Dr. Braun says the thing on my vagina is a pimple! “Squeeze it in the bathtub!” I had all these other questions to ask him but I am so intimidated by those examination rooms – I think they do that on purpose to make it fast. There’s an old woman in the room and you’re dressed in paper. Spoke to Skip tonight – giving directions on how to find Pewter Hill. Slowly he truth about him emerges: he wears glasses and plays the trumpet. I didn’t have the nerve to ask if he’s fat. He reads science fiction! Not good. I’m very angry at myself for being hopeful about him. Shows an unpleasant level of desperation.
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Alysse Aallyn
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