12:30 PM – 13 Oct 82
Lying in bed frustrated enraged and sick. Dammit! Good morning shopping for wood stoves with T – buying 7 of them – 5 for the apts & 2 for here – coming up with a future vision of myself poor but chic and swathed in sweaters. Too fluey – came home and had a bowl of hot cereal & went to bed. Had a good idea for a Graham Greenian mystery with feminine twist but I can write it! Mixed identities. Discouraged by genre. Learn to keep that excitement going… 10:45 PM 14 Oct 82 Spent the AM quarrelling with myself until I’m completely exhausted. I know why schizophrenic parents happen – parent invaded by own childhood. (See Life of Robt Lowell.) Feeling faint hope however from talking to a psychologist who offered me work. I hate lack of power combined with increased responsibility. Seth calls to say the bottom has dropped out of Sykes. I just hope when the smoke clears, assets equal debts. We’ve had a good run – we’ll be better off out of the market. What would it mean to put ourselves in God’s hands? Every day a new start. T comes home immediately starts criticizing me for wearing his shirt. I called him on it – he said OK the place looks good too. I’m a little worried about his adoption of his Mom’s theory that an “acceptable” façade is BETTER than the real thing. He doesn’t like that I don’t care what strangers think of me. Shouldn’t even write here – but no matter how much sleep I get it isn’t enough. (S making noises – he sleeps at Nancy’s!) Good dinner with Dom but I drank too much anisette after. Meals go on too long for dieters and that’s for sure. I get bored. At least yesterday I was able to fit into my old jeans & feel sexy again. We discussed – as usual – the Family. Granma’s crazy situation, etc. I think about m novel turning into something else – the mask of horror keeps peeking out. Should I put Bettina away and write the other one or let this one evolve? The hell with forever: I’m going to live my life now and if it means shutting out the world then “I should” waits upon “I must.” I think one needs to “conscientiously dare.” Resolve to confine cleaning to 1-2 hrs a day because IT ISN’T THAT IMPORTANT. 10:15 PM – Fri 15 Oct 82 Fire walking. Paradoxically reading Tamsin’s Olwyn The Witch is making my spirits soar even though everything about it is wrong. I happen t know she has been working on this book for 12 years – definitive proof that sweat alone won’t make things grow. Makes me feel a little less of a nothing. Time is on my side if I can just hold out… Trying to phase out the typing biz. No point making gas money and exhausting my creativity in the process! When I try to transition into editing my advice is rejected. Need to keep looking. I love starting COMPLETELY OVER! Best feeling in the world! Jacobus came this M to give me work and I was too distraught to face him so left a note and took off on my bike. Shane’s yelling…he wouldn’t eat and now he won’t sleep. Too fried to make T dinner and feared his punishing rage but he calmly made himself a sandwich and suggested we don’t pay his insurance so we can afford Christmas cards! Bad idea, I said. There is a “talk gap.” He still talks about getting rich (“buy everything from Brookstone, S will go to private school”) but it seems we have to skimp on the basics. Starting to feel we don’t have the same American dream. Sun 17 Oct 82 Long days with Shane very hard to get through. Yearn for Mon when he’s at playschool in the AM. Shane socked me in the face so hard (by accident) I feared for my vision but it seems to be clearing up. Has also loosened a few of my teeth with his strong skull. Take a couple aspirin and keep going. Asked T if apts will be ready in spring he says no but Lois won’t let us move there anyway. Seems we HAVE to stay here while she makes clear her displeasure about out inadequate tenancy. Weird double bind. I would welcome a fire if it would free us of this murk. Meditation, bowl of soup. Nap. Woman in Lansdale –friend of a friend – sent my MSS back. To others my advice would be: don’t write anything that isn’t 100% of yourself.
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Alysse Aallyn
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