27 Oct 82– Meant to go bike riding but S suddenly falls asleep! Oh well. Can fit into yet a new pair of pants! The problem is I have lost all self-confidence. Cleaning our bedroom I was suddenly struck with a delicious thought: this can’t go on forever! T calls to say he’ll be late tonight – had to fix a gate where vandals broke in.
Baby and I read today – he seemed really interested! 28 Oct 82 So jubilant this AM not even rejections can interfere. Feel like all the troubles & traumas of the past few years have been inevitable. Necessary. It’s awful, but we are almost through. Trying to get back into a beauty regimen. T was very taken with the Kabuki aspects of my self-presentation but also started to sabotage them immediately like he can’t help himself. Suddenly wants me to turn into a vigorous outdoorsy LL Bean type. Applied for a Bamberger’s job – just to see. Four hours at a time close by, 20 hrs a week sounds interesting and doable but as I walked in wearing black jacket and skirt I saw myself in s many mirrors looking OLD OLD OLD. Pores huge. Now I’m having delusions that I wrote down the wrong phone no. Oh well. S muttering to himself in his bed but not calling. Yet. He keeps rising up like Dracula. T has date with ex-girlfriend Cindy who’s staying in the city! I THINK I can trust him. Gotta get my house in order. Sat 30 Oct 82 S cranky but not insisting on rescue. Yesterday S & I went to Phila with T just to have something to do. He pointed out ex-girlfriend’s hotel – she invited him up but he didn’t go – they stayed down in the bar. She was fishing for an affair but gave up when she saw he wasn’t interested. I thanked him, he said, “I hope you’d do the same for me.” I told him he can BANK ON IT. Lois’ house not baby-proofed in the least. T frustrated with his mothers constant (and idiotic) rejection of his ideas “That’s not appropriate.” Forced to guess what she might consider “appropriate.” Not a happy task. Takes it out on me as the one “flexible” element. I resolve to “stop struggling” and cultivate the “inner life”. Cheered up reading Conrads Life. He produced great work under worse torture than I have to contend with. Most women report coming close to “breakdown” over caring for first child – I’m just a statistic. Add that to the money situation, carer situation & T’s withdrawal and you get “unbearable.” If I can only make it to Jan… Be kind to myself. Accomplished:
5:50 PM – Mon 1 Nov 82 Bad perm. It’s not helping. Last night another bad party – I am getting to hate them. Thought I could cultivate friends but it turns out I really don’t like the “back and forth” (i.e. give and take.) Let’s say I’m in an “ungiving” stage of my life what with all the giving I do at home (which makes sense to me) while “yielding the floor gracefully at parties DOES NOT. T drove so stupidly on the way home we almost had a wreck. Why let anger take the wheel? Makes no sense to me – the road doesn’t care – you can’t “intimidate” it! Mr. “I’ll never lie to you” flat out said it is my job to pretend I’m happy so he can soldier on. Then they criticize us for being sly doublecrossing whores! NOT enjoying the similarity of my slow disillusion in Marriage #1. But I don’t see a way out, frankly. If I want to raise Shane the way I want to raise him I won’t be the breadwinner –that’s what the editors are telling me. Considerably heartened by Lewis’ Mere Christianity.
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Alysse Aallyn
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