22 Nov 70
Stayed up late watching Raisin in the Sun – slept late. Armon wanted to make love – I didn’t but did it any way – naturally couldn’t come. Armon had to pull me out of my depression. Depressed by all this Hamsun (Growth of the Soil next.) Read Wodehouse and instantly cheered. Casey called – invited me skiing in Colorado without Armon. Maybe. Gordo Baird called – with Meg – girl named Tollie, Oliver dropped by to talk about Tues class. Do I want to be friends with all these people? Strange feeling. I’m supposed to want to but I don’t. Cleaning, washing, ironing all afternoon like an ancient housewife. My turn to make dinner – scalloped eggplant (big hit.) Allowed Armon read my writing – he said it was too “self-conscious and remembered.” He is probably right but he never likes anything of mine because it reminds him too much of me. Reading R West’s Train of Powder. For some reason I especially enjoy the reading that is NOT assigned. Why is that? Dance exercises till my legs were like rubber bands while Armon was at acting class – then poured myself into bath. Lynne came over – we served her eggnog while A made us read short Tennessee Wms plays. Good Property, bad Rain. 23 Nov 70 Car not working. Rode my bicycle in such a strong wind it would have been faster walking. Arrived at The Manor all red & puffing to talk to Farley Plage about directing The Maids. He doesn’t want to do it. I could see he wanted me to beg him. Offered me a yellow rose, very sly. He really is a dirty old man. He says he’s slept with Leonora, which is really sad. She must be desperate. I said, “I’ll direct it.” He said he can’t help me, I said I’ll figure it out. Tamsin’s class ran 1 hour over as usual. Everyone worked up about Tolkien except me, I talk James Barrie. Out of step as usual. “It is for you to discover for yourself, within yourself – within the silent green groves of an inner world where, alone and free, you may dream the possible dream that the wondrous is real, because you feel it to be. That is how you wish it to be and you will it into being…” Vogue 25 Nov 70 – Pewter Hill Depressing family Thanksgiving. Gen & Kent very snide and cynical about everyone & everything. I said their views are just as “tribal” – different tribe. Kent says animals don’t feel or think and any relation we think we’re having is a fantasy in our own heads. How can any human being be so unobservant? I pity him. He doesn’t actually believe it – he just parrots someone else’s view. Spent the eve searching the house for my defunct gothica, which I’m sure I destroyed. Armon says “don’t write it” which is enough to make me want to. I remember it was good. Armon says I’m looking for the “easy way out” but Tamsin says they’re getting contracts on the basis of a chapter or two. Armon wants me to be like Beckett. Reading Marek’s awful bio of Beethoven. Barbara Banniard coming over.
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Alysse Aallyn
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